Life Is Crazy @ MindSay 
Couldn't find the real video to this since universal is being kind of a douche about it, it 's not like we make money off of you tube you know. But anyways mom's already making things worse don't know what her problem is, I've been taking care of myself just once when I don't have a job she gives me all this bullsh*t. And it's not like I haven't been without a job before, things are just a bit tighter because of school, not like she cares though already trying to get me to get another job, that's what I'm trying to avoid. Jumping into that crap again and working myself to death. She only pays attention to herself from what I've seen only cooks for herself only thinks only of herself. So I have this crap list to do tomorrow and I still have to go to the school tomorrow and demand to know everything and why it's taking so long. And dad's not back in town still in Jamaica so no money funds anywhere so I'll have to look up grants for the first time. Of course mom suggested this, because she never wants to use her own money. Oh and I'm the one who's paid for ALL my college, dad only paid the first while I haven't borrowed a single dime from him for school. So I don't she what she's complaining about nothing she's never done. Just cause you letting me stay in this house, still owe me more than half my childhood of being divorced and only coming to two event of my entire school career. Wasn't there when me and dad werre helping Brian get through college so I have no idea what she's thinking. I'm starting not to really care, if I'm that worthless I'll just live on the street and die there's almost no point in moaning over it. If things don't want to go the right way then must mean it wasn't suppose to in the first place. Here's my craptacular song writing with music by the Roots.
Life when things fall apart
from even the very start,
stabbing out my own heart.
As it goes drops off charts.
Was I even ever smart?
Mom keeps leaving feelings of nasty remarks.
Seeing that my car stays parked.
Has me seriously crazy marked
Being blown apart
As she lets out her badass bark
How has everything gotten so dark?
It's not even night
Please hurry up get bright
Everything is becoming so trite
Losing every single drop of might
Even going crazy in my mind
Being left behind
Trying running with all my life
So honestly, I don't know anymore.
My life is beyond crazy at the moment.
Between, struggling to keep my grades above a C
and trying to keep myself from falling apart again,
I have no time left for maintaining my sanity.
Teachers --
Seems like the more everyone in class is ready to wrap things up and get ready for summer,
the more the teachers want to force us to study and do 6 hours of homework.
two words: not kewl. =/
At Home --
Parents.
Enough said, right?
Yeah.
I try to do everything right,
say all the right things to them
hoping it'll get them to leave me alone,
even doing chores and any other random shit they want done,
but still, I'm not good enough.
I'm not the daughter they'd been hoping for.
I know that for the 15 years I've been alive,
they've secretly been hoping that I would eventually become this wonderfully amazing child
The one they'd always dreamed of.
Guess I'm just a huge disappointment.
I'll never be good enough for them.
I'm just hoping that one day I can just get over that
and try not to think about how I've disappointed everyone.
Friends --
Hmmm.. what is there to say?
well, okay, so recently, I've found out things about a few of my friends that i almost wish i didnt know.
Smoking.
Drinking.
Self-Piercing.
And god only knows what else.
I mean, yeah, it may not seem that bad,
but i just think of how long this could have been going on and kept as a secret from me.
can i trust these people?
I dont know. I guess.
And at the same time, I'm actually closer to my friends than I ever have been before.
It's Me Against The World [and the world is winning] --
That basically sums up the last week.
First the shit between me and Becca.
Yeah, I was having a HORRIBLE day.
i took it out on her by saying "fucking fantastic" when she was going on and on about how happy she was.
yeah, i probably shouldnt have,
but havent we ALL done that before??
yeah. we have.
but instead of her just saying "well, somebody is bitchy today. . ."
and being done with it,
she goes on to say that Chris deserves better than me [true, but not her place to say that]
then she says some more shit like that.
the next day ends up being pretty much the same.
then yesterday (Day 3) I end up saying she's fake [it's true]
she gets her [asshole] of a boyfriend involved.
(yeah, dnt lie to me bitch, i know you went whineing to him and made him "fix it")
so i get a message from him saying "becca's fake"
(pssst.. yeah she is) but instead i say " let het bitch fight her own battles, this has nothing to do with you"
it should have ended there.
it didnt
he goes on to say "why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy"
(basically the convo goes like this, blue is him, the other is me)
why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy
umm.. no, sry, it dnt exactly work like that. :/
darn
why do you grasp to fals hope of ing happy with him?
being*
your just fooling yourself and slowly killing him
. . . well, 1- your wrong, & 2- is this supposed to make me feel terrible or sumthin? not working. maybe if it was coming from anyone else, but coming from u, it means nothing. :/
it doesnt?
how many times have you seen him in person
why do you care? mind your own fucking business
no Chris is like my best friend
and he has turned against me cuz your making his life misreble
i know, how can i be his best friend and trign to break hime and his gf up?
he cant see what best for him
hes only gonna get worse
it wont be the same person ever again if this keeps up
well, sry, but it's not up to you.
i know
its up to you and your killing
him
w/e
not my life or bf
hes gnna be diffrent forever
and cant you understand that you can never be with him?
your so far away and only met him once...
it dosent work
i've tried it before
and i almost ended up killing myself
is that what you want for him or you?
you cant say fer sure that is what would happen. you dont know. mmk. not everyone is like you. :/
its doomed to fail
and Chis is soo much like i se to be its not funny
And thats where it ended.
Yeah, what i was saying was pathetic, I know.
But if you've ever been put in a situation where you have someone like this asshole sayin shit,
a crazy fake delusional bitch saying shit,
both of your parents goin at you,
and you're trying to keep yourself from crying,
you'd understand that it's damn near impossible to come up with any convincing things to say.
and thats what sucks.
but it's kewl.
I dont need people like that in my life.
So yeah, I guess thats all I gotz to say =/
i 
Chris
Crazy, I'm crazy for feelin' so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feelin' so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday, you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry
Wonderin', what in the world did I do.
Oh crazy, for thinkin that my love could hold you,
I'm crazy for tryin and crazy for cryin,
And I'm crazy for lovin you
Crazy, for thinkin that my love could hold you,
I'm crazy for tryin and crazy for cryin,
And I'm crazy for lovin you.
***ok, so we all know who this is geared towards (well at least out of my regular readers). It seems only fitting that my 100th blog be a blog letting go of something that has been the focal point of many of these. Here I am turning over a new leaf, or tearing right through it :-). I am done feeling crazy, done wondering, and done loving that specific someone. Well, we all know love doesn't fly away that quickly but this is an active step in letting go and not allowing myself to ruminate over things that happened in the past.
Geoff: since you have successfully avoided any face to face communication, when all I wanted to do was ask you why we stopped talking in the first place (because if I remember correctly you were the one accusing me of things you heard from Katy-cause she’s a reliable source *sketchy face*). I want to wish you happiness in your new relationship. I have strong memories of you wanting to date her for a really long time. I’m glad it finally worked out for you.
Becca: if you ever read this, know that even though we have not always seen eye to eye, or for that matter had opposing positions in certain things that happened in high school, I was never mad at you for any of it even though people claimed I was. I was madder at my own decisions. (ok, so that doesn’t really matter at all because I’m sure you are doing just fine without my two sense worth, I just want to get this off my chest) I hope you and Geoff are happy together and let this be a record that I am not going to be a crazy ex-girlfriend trying to get him back. He is all yours, so be good to one another.
This concludes blog number 100. I am slowly falling out of love, even though I was "in" love with this person what seems to be forever ago. I am also learning to love again, and am exceedingly happy with where life is leading! Isn’t life glorious? It is amazing how wonderful one can feel when you simply walk around with a smile on your face! I hope you all find the love in your life, whether it is from family, friends, pets, or that special someone. And "May God bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you and be gracious, may He always be with you and grant you PEACE!" (And all God's people said, "Ameeeen" and the devil said, "Bummer, dude" and the holy spirit said, *heavy breathing noise*) ****
