Life Hard @ MindSay

So another sleepless night for me. I have work tomorrow morning, and should be sleeping. But it seems like my mind would much rather run a mile a minute than give itself a break. Theres so much going through my head. Its impossible to get anything out right now. All of my thoughts are bouncing back and forth. Theres some things i cant seem to follow through with no matter how hard I try. And somehow my life always ends up revolving around my job. Im stuck between three people right now, and have absolutely no idea what to do. Number 1 has my heart, but doesnt deserve it. Number 2 is amazing, but I feel like I wont ever be able to give him what he deserves out of a relationship. And number 3 is such an amazing friend, and I somehow always end up back at his doorstep regardless of what happens. This shit is getting hard to tolerate, i run so hot and cold with different people. I always seem to find something I dont like about a person regardless of how amazing he is. Maybe Im just the one that has problems and is broken. I would like to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes its so hard to believe. Its kinda ironic how everything works out. At least in my life. Id just like to say Im falling apart and give up on it all. Everyone knows me as the strong girl, but in reality its hard to keep it all together when all you want to do is break down. I dont get a chance to break down because Im the support for so many other people. I just want to throw myself into work, at least that way I dont have any time for a break down. Im just like a car running out of gas..eventually im just gonna have to stop. I need to take control over my whole weight situation, its really the only thing Im capable of controlling right now. And hey you gotta take what you can get right?...This shows how fucked my brain actually is. i may as well start fucking smoking pot again, my brains working the same right now as it did when I smoked..except I would actually be able to pass out now. But on the other hand, i know I need to stay away from drugs, and especially alcohol. I have a little angle on one shoulder and a little devil on the other. But for what ever reason all I seem to be hearing lately is the devil. Fuckin shit my mind is so unbelievably fucked. I honestly feel bad for anyone that stumbles across this shit. Im gonna make another sad attempt at hittin the sack for the night. I hope Im actually able to pass out this time...

Billy sees the wall holes
the gatorade pile goes
up to the ceiling
it's hard to see what he's feeling
when the screen screams yahoo
to fantasize a tie ball
game in the tradeoff
throw up another firewall

who am I?
just pie in the sky?

I gotta email apology
and open up the scar wound
and ask for introspection
from disco stu
into lyrical sanity
tangled up in the beisner blue

Freedom mails back vague
traces of a broken leg
wash me with a dirty rag
and watch the puppy tail wag
excited in the dog house
Freedom in a clean blouse
says I need a head douse
straight from the horse's mouth

who am I?
just another guy?

I gotta end my old life
practice with a blunt knife
the black girl asks me with strife
"is that woman your wife?"
and try to end your old life
when you take away my blunt knife
and give it back so you can go
and try and find some more night

think hard think soft
way to turn your brain off
just when I think you've had enough
you try to make me turn and cough
ride the bus get cussed
don't touch my knee
can't ya leave well finally
why can't ya do it quietly

who am I?
not my inner thigh!?!

but farm girl violence
it seeps through the armed world
there is no silence
she acts like she likes me
when she wants to fight me
escape to the highlands
and try to close my eyelids
just shut out this crazy kid

and hard rain slow pain
deep lax no pax income tax
no air high fare
don't try to really care
melt ice melt snow slush cone
can't scream can't moan
why all you people
just leave the snowman alone

who am I?
am I just living a lie?

I'm lost inside the guidemap
climb upon her wide lap
and try to take my nap
combination cry/slap
I guess I better leave
I won't dry tears on your sleeve
it's just I cannot take
all these fly traps in the mind crap