Life Changing @ MindSay 
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Last night, I was sitting at the dinner table alone with my mom - who was on her laptop. I was trying to converse with her, and I kept overhearing for the past week or so that dad keeps talking about this "new job" he wants to apply for. My dad was on the phone, and my mom was helping my dad fill out an online resume. It disturbed me. I finally let out all my built up frustration about them not spending any time with me anymore, or even conversing with me like they usually used to do a long time ago. I told her for the past half a year or so, all they've ever been talking about is their work and how stressed my father is due to issues and conflicts with his employees. I told her how much it bothered me how I would always come downstairs from my room, and they would instantly silence themselves and look at me and would wait for me to go downstairs so they could resume conversation.
They haven't had a conversation about anything OTHER than work.
I was watching The Bachelor with my mom and younger brother, Jacob. I don't usually tune into TV too much, although I'm unsure why. But my mom and dad were still talking about my dad's resume. My mom confessed to my dad how much I missed him, and he subconsciously said "Things will get better". Wow, dad, wow. Even I can tell how untrue that sounded.
Anyway, enough about my parents. Now...
A basic runthrough of my day.
Math
The boy with the accent that sat beside me on the first day was absent today, for whatever reason. Randy, this boy who was in my Math class last year who everyone else finds obnoxious put his bag down in the seats in front of me. I asked him if he wanted to sit with me. I advised him that I could help him with reading, and he agreed. Randy sits beside me now, and I tell ya, he's quite a chatterbox. I'm more of a listening type of gal, but as long as he has someone to converse with.
English
I don't know. I want to say today was better, but at the same time something is stopping me from doing so. I discovered yesterday that we WILL be studying Romeo and Juliet eventually throughout the course (and yup, I've become semi-obsessed with it AGAIN!) so I'm going to start doing more research on it again, and scanning through the 'No Fear Shakespeare' copy that I have in my bookshelf.
...Oh. And I've also grown a fond liking to the character Tybalt. I'm not sure why you should know that, but I just thought I would through that out there.
Apparently, we're doing to start our 'Novel Unit' tomorrow. 'Fahrenheit 451' is what we'll be reading. (Anybody read that book...?) and from what I've heard, it's a Sci-Fi novel. Gag me with a spoon. Ugh. I'm not the BIGGEST fan of Sci-Fi, and it's a subject I tend to avoid. But who knows, it could be a good book...
Oh, and those things we did that was about ourselves? Turns out that we're presenting them. Whoopie. Somebody just stick that spoon in my throat again.
As of right now, I'd never thought I'd say this, but... I hate English. I know, it's even a surprise for me since it's been my favourite subject for so long. Maybe that's me being stupid, and too judgemental WAY too early.
History
My History teacher gets really offended when anybody calls the subject 'dumb', or 'stupid, or 'retarded', or 'gay'. Anything insulting the subject, she'll get offended. She's really defensive when it comes to History.
We aren't really doing much right now, but I'll keep you posted.
Computers
We're learning to operate Microsoft Excel. I was really confused at first when she was reviewing the tools and stuff, and it had to do with Math that I never even learned, so I knew I was doomed - but as soon as we started experimenting and practising with it, it was super fun (well for me, anyway). I guess I shouldn't judge on first glance.
Tomorrow's another day. I can't say whether or not I'm looking forward to it.
I got four new E-Mails in my Inbox, today. Two were from Facebook, this new mother messaged me wanting to know about CP and how mild mine is because her CP-afflicted daughter is two and she is yet to walk. I told her not to worry too much, as learning always varies among person to person and I said her daughter is certainly a gem that is not to be given up on by those around her. She will impact people around her one day, and she will do something great.
I hope it's the same for me. I really desire to impact thousands of people with something, even if it's my life story. I hope, through my words and creative nature, that those around me will find something different within me.
Indeed, that little girl will do something special one day. I can just feel it. But, please keep this mother and daughter in your thoughts as I am - I can imagine how much of a struggle it must be.
Don't ask me why I may seem so confident about this little girl whom I don't even know. I just have a strong sense of hope for those who may not.
So I went to bed last night thinking how one word could change my life. If I say yes and go with my boyfriend then I am taking a huge step. I am changing more then just my address. I am changing my relationship. He would be so excited and expect so much more. I don't think I am ready for that. Being here with my family and my friends makes it all ok.....makes the relationship (for lack of better words) easy. Changing and moving away from my comforts makes it all more difficult.....less worth it.
Why would he want to move me away? He has a lot of great opportunites in front of him in this move....but he is asking me to choose him and a job over my life. Im not sure Im ready.
Danger Will Robinson, Danger! Life changing plans ahead!
The need to change is now and this time I've had enough. I'm going to do the things I've wanted/been needing to do this summer. There are so many things I've left undone before I turn 21. I am quickly running out of time to complete them and my life is already 20 years begun. Starting 06-27-2007 everything will be different. I've created a bulletin board with pictures of all the things I want to accomplish as well as little reminders of inspiration to help me do it.
I don't want to look back in another 10 years in my life and regret everything I never did to better myself. Hopefully this try will get me further than previous attempts. Here's to change!
Tschuess!
I was ready to leave, not knowing exactly where I was going, but just that I wanted to go. Just then my mom mentioned that she wished we had some creamer for her coffee. I told her to give me some money and I'd go to the store and buy it for her. She gave the money and it was off to the grocery store I went.
I thought I wanted to go on a walk to think, but instead... I just had a blank mind the whole time and came home feeling somewhat better, even though I didn't work anything out in my head. Maybe what I worked out was that there is nothing to work out. This is just the way I am. Maybe this is just how I experience the world and I can't really change that. If I try to, I will just end up driving myself crazy like what happened last night. I broke down last night. I feel okay today, although it sucked to come back home, come into my room and close the door behind me, back into this old reality. Maybe I need to just create a new reality. I like this, but it is so dead sometimes. I need to be more alive. Maybe I will walk more. Just walk everywhere. It was nice.
I don't really know what to do now. I'm obviously still blogging. I still don't want to listen to music. Or watch any film. I just need to see things differently, from a different place. I think that is another reason I wanted to go on the walk. Just to be out of my normal every day shithole.
I've done a lot of things for many years. It started when I was about 13 years old, and it has been all I've known ever since. It's how I live my life, but now, all of the sudden, out of nowhere... I feel like I don't want that anymore. I don't want to talk to myself anymore, I don't want to pretend anymore, I don't want to project anymore... and it's not like I wanted to in the first place. I just did. It's just what I did, how I was. But now I want something different, and it's hard to change that. Part of the wanting is somethign that I wish I could change but can't seem to, another part of it is just the fact that I am done, like the pretending. The literal pretending, not the pretending in my mind. The pretending in my mind is what I can't stop, the literal pretending is what I seem to be done with. I seem to be. Right now.
I'm hoping this will all fall away like my lying did. I used to lie a lot. I still come up with them, in my mind, but I don't put them out for other people anymore. Instead they stay in my mind, and that's what the problem is. I create them and they just stay there, never getting out.
Maybe I could write them. Write them down as fiction stories. I think I need to get them out somehow. Maybe that will be the answer to how to stop what is going on in my head. It is worth a try.
It's like daydreaming. Pretty much all of us daydream, but it is different with me.
Ok, well no. Maybe it is not like daydreaming.
Here is what happens:
Say I am on the bus. I cannot experience being on the bus unless I imagine someone cares that I am on the bus at that particular moment and that the moment is being saved in time and they will know some time in the future that I was on the bus and what happened and they can see and they will care. I can't experience being on the bus unless I experience from this fantasy view.
Walking. I was just walking, right? And I had a few thoughts finally going through my head as I got closer to my apartment and I couldn't think the thoughts unless I thought them as if I was writing them, either in first person or third person perspective. Like this: "She liked walking on the sidewalk and listening to the birds. It made her angry, though, that the roaring cars on the road were making the birds sound so faint. She didn't like the cards. She stepped off the curb and walked across the parking lot. Some woman in a window watched her. She didn't like the woman either." You get the point. I can't experience a moment in my life unless it is in this form either. Sometimes it is in first person, but it is still as though I am writing it, I'm not all there, "I liked the coat, but it was not long enough to cover my arms. I liked the feel it gave me though. A feeling of independence. So I wore it." I will think these sorts of things AS I AM DOING IT. I thought that, for example, as I was looking at myself in the mirror and putting on my scarf, getting ready to go. I couldn't think about how I felt about the coat or what I thought about it or experience the coat unless I put it in this form, as if I was writing it and the moment I was living in was a moment of the past.
To put it simply, I feel like I am living in a novel or film most of the time. And there is always the reader or the viewer, and the novel or film wouldn't exist without the reader or viewer... and that is why I am never alone.
What I'm scared of is what will be left once all of this is gone (if it ever is). This is ALL THERE IS for me. What will I have then? What will it be replaced with? What is life like for you? How does the world look to you? How do you feel inside when you are experiencing the world? Does your mind steal from you all of your experiences, too? I can't imagine... what it would be like... to not be like this.
There's no answer right now. I just don't know what to do. All I want to do, honestly, is write. I have no desire to do anything else. I guess I could read. Reading actually sounds nice.
-Liv-
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