Lies @ MindSay 
love
“I’ve lost my faith in god,” she said.
Hmm.
The next night almost the very same thing—
“I don’t want to wake up anymore.”
Hmm.
In the morning my wife and I agreed that I should find a job so she could quit hers and do something else. I read the ads in the Sunday World-Herald and applied for four—ombudsman for an Indian reservation in South Dakota, deputy director for city development in my home town of Shenandoah, counselor in a halfway house for troubled teenagers in Ames where I had earned my bachelor’s degree fifteen years earlier, and instructor of English at the west campus of a nearby community college. I was invited to interview for all four positions. At the conclusion of the second interview I was offered the job on the spot. On January 2 of 1980 I began teaching English in Omaha.
Whew—
Not so fast!
I’d arrived just as the annual evaluations of faculty by their supervisors—and supervisors by their superiors—were taking place. My new colleagues tried immediately to enlist me in their causes. In confidence I was told by four or five different colleagues whom they believed ought to be fired and whom not.
“Marcella ought to be fired,” Grace told me.
“Grace is burned out—all used up,” Marcella told me. “She ought to be fired.”
“Fish ought to be fired,” Julie told me.
Fish was my new boss, the man who had just hired me, the supervisor of developmental studies and the only person of color at the west campus of the college. Though I had been on the job for only three weeks an annual evaluation of me was required nevertheless so to the office of Mr. Fish I reported as appointed. Fish was encouraging and friendly and our conversation was both informal and brief. At its conclusion he asked me if I had encountered any problems in my new position so far.
Fool that I was—trying still as best I could to be honest and to tell the truth all the time—I told my supervisor that I was troubled, uncomfortable, and confused by the ugly academic politics in the office.
Grace thinks Marcella should be fired, I explained, Marcella thinks Grace should be fired and, I added, neither Grace nor Marcella seems to approve of the job that Julie is doing. I didn’t even really know these people. I had just met them. To me they all seemed normal, cooperative, competent.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Julie has had a few problems,” Fish responded.
“Julie thinks you should be fired!” I laughed—at the absurdity of it all.
Fish smiled and shrugged.
A week later Julie met with Mr. Fish for her own annual evaluation. They conferred in his office for over an hour and when Julie finally emerged she was furious, livid, cursing under her breath, and as she strode through our common office area she made a beeline straight for my desk.
“Did you tell Fish I thought he should be fired?” she demanded.
“No,” I lied.
It was the first outright lie I had told in five years.
My twins were only two years old, my oldest daughter was living with me and Ruth, I was still paying child support each month for my oldest son, who lived with his mother and her husband in Shenandoah, and my wife Ruth, totally exhausted by her job in junior high, planned to quit in May. I needed my new job. I felt desperate.
Trapped.
It was two months before I could bring myself to confess to Julie that indeed I had told Fish what she had told me. I apologized and started to explain.
Julie interrupted me.
“Forget it,” she said.
She simply dismissed the matter with a wave and never mentioned it again—for which I was much relieved and still feel grateful. It had been a much bigger matter to me than it had been to Julie.
Because of our study and practice of religion for two years together in Fayette, I felt obliged to tell my friends Paul, Billy, and John of this incident. Each reacted to it in the same way.
“Pressure.”
They understood.
Rarely did I speak of my vow to be honest. On one occasion my three nephews inquired about the religious experience to which I and others in the family sometimes alluded. I told some stories and boasted of my years of honesty. After my brother and his three teenage sons had gone home my wife corrected me.
“You smoked pot for years,” she said. “That was a lie.”
Yes.
From many people I’d kept that secret for a long time and I had not quit completely until five months after my first grandchild had been born. I told my nephews what Ruth had said the next time I saw them.
Once I realized how foolish I had been in labeling my year in heaven my enlightenment I hardly spoke of it again ever except perhaps obliquely by a word or two just in passing.
Basically I just kept quiet about it.
Do you ever wonder where the billions of dollars the government spends on Iraq and Afghanistan every week go? Well, much of it goes into the pockets of the corporations that manufacture the weapons the US military uses to obliterate farming communities and wedding parties and to pay private contractors to organize and manage imperialism on the ground and torture human beings. That's right, every week, billions of dollars of your money goes into the pockets of capitalists - war profiteers - who main, kill, and destroy people and their property.
The money Bush has spent so far in Iraq alone would have ended poverty in the US, provided everybody with decent housing, universalized health care, and launched Apollo projects in energy and education, with plenty left over to reduce the national debt and keep interest rates low and the economy stable. Instead, that money - your money - was transferred from the US treasury into the hands of families who live a life of leisure in gated communities at the expense of people around the world who are barely eking out an existence. The wealthy pigs have the most money, the most expensive houses, the most terrific health care, and access to the most excellent educational institutions because you don't. They feed on you.
If you could know only one fact about the United States that would tell you who runs the country and who doesn't, it's the brutal truth that the US government takes your money and gives it to people who kill other people and destroy their property.
So how long are you going to keep slopping the hogs?
Yes, boys and girls it's really really official now.
We are a banana republic!
Top leaders get involved in oil for food scandals, depriving the poor hungry Iraqi women and children of valuable resources which could be used for the purchase of food and medication. But at the same time pretending to be so holy and pious back home. Holy hypocrisy!
Top leaders get involved in sex and murders scandals and shamelessly deny the link, when all the evidence is pointing a particular way. "I don't know who she is..but I only met her in P---s for dinner"....."and she likes to do what I have falsely accused my political opponent of doing". Wink Wink
Normal protests by the general public is put down with unprovoked violence by the police; going for a walk on Sunday morning in a group of more than 5 is illegal in this country. It's an "illegal gathering."
Print and broadcast media is stifled and told to toe the govt line, villifying all opponents of the govt. Bloggers, who due to the inherently free nature of the internet, are able to give the public the truth they crave, are targetted for one silly reason or the other. Read : Sedition charge against our Yang Mulia.
Online newspapers have their offices raided. No news is credible other than that which we get on the internet through the efforts of a few brave individuals. May they prosper and may their numbers grow. My special salute to Malaysiakini at www.malaysiakini.com for their courage in keeping to the noble aims of journalism, i.e. the reporting of the unembellished truth, even in these difficult and dangerous times.
People are more afraid of the law enforces than they are of the thieves because, as they say, they have a licence to plunder and pillage unrestrained, whereas the thieves have to do it under the cover of darkness and with their faces covered. Govt-sponsored armed forces are are being formed, independent of the police or the military, and being armed and given the authority to enter any premise without a warrant. Allegedly to look for illegal foreign workers. Know who I'm talking about? So what's the role of the immigration and the police? Oh, so they're understaffed eh? Well here a hint! Why not employ more police and immigration officers rather than forming what efectively amounts to a paramilitary force? Good!!! As we slide further down the scale of a civiled country ...to Banana Republic status!
The public is put in fear of attending public gatherings by the threat that the army will be brought in to control the "mobs" and patrol the streets. Army patrolling the streets? Are we in Palestine or Zimbabwe or Myanmar? Loss of faith in the police, knowing that even the "underlings of the govt" cannot now stomach the corruption and deception practised by the top leaders.
Poltical opponents are arrested or charged with trumped up charges for a crime which would be an impossibility to commit. A frail five-footer with a spine problem manages to overpower a strapping 23 year-old six-footer, flips him over and gives him the old shebang? Stretching the limits of credibility, init?
People fighting for justice in their homeland are imprisoned under preventive detentions laws, denied medical treatment and just left to die, all because they were of a different clour and they prayed to a different God. And he (you know who) would have died if the new PR govt had not made a big fuss over it. The immense loss of support the Bloody Nasty govt would face if he died sobered them up. A little....
A cry for fair elections is a crime in this banana republic. Again be prepared to face the wrath of the water canons, gleefully bought with our tax money ( with a massive commission thrown in, of course), to be gleefully used against us. Against women, children and old people who ask for nothing more than a right to air their views and grievances. I guess they forgot : WE'RE A BANANA REPUBLIC.
All we need to complete the picture is our dear dear "anak lelaki Sik----r Kutty" going around the country preaching the preservation of the purity of the race. Which race?...has he forgotten that he's a South Asian and only a first generation Malaysian? So which race is it that he's fighting to preserve the purity of ... and which bloody party was so stupid to allow the bloody south asian to lead them thinking he was one of them. Many a time this South Asian Keralite's son must have laughed to himself , thinking how he managed to gain control of a race-based party when he wasn't even a member of that particular race. And now he goes around stirring up racial propaganda all around the country..."no jail time for me, no matter that bloody drunk indian lawyer said". Get the picture?
The Inspector General of Police and the Attorney General having been accused of covering up evidence at a criminal trial. And the police are going to investigate!!! Kind of like asking the fox to count the chickens!!!
First World public transportation system in our country exists in the unilateral wet dream of some govt politician, drooling over the money to made from the award of contracts to their cronies.
Politians treating their development funds as their very own piggy banks. Wonderful!!
Now the top dog says there is no problem, everthing is okay, country is peaceful. But bring on the army, just in case!!!!
Where did I leave off last time? Right, I was trying to get (re)laid by a co-worker. I tried once more after that without success, so I backed off. For whatever reason, it's not happening and that's cool. I like this guy so I'd like to remain friends with him. I'm working on getting him out for a drink so we can catch up and relax and just hang out. If something happens, so be it, but that's not my angle for going out with him. He's a genuinely nice guy and I'd like to keep him in my life however I can.
However, there's still drama.
I'll admit it. I'm a flirt, and even though I'm way too old for a phrase like this, I'm a bit boy-crazy. I like to like people. I loved being in love, and know I will always love my ex. Without a doubt, he is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never completely recover from losing him. However, I admit I am lonely and feeling attraction for other people helps me through the times when I miss him the most.
Enter co-worker number two, also a nice guy. We've been pretty friendly for several months now, and I've felt things progressing. We talked about it, and acknowledged the attraction and flirting. (I've discovered that since my last relationship, I prefer putting my cards on the table and knowing where things stand. That way, if I'm wrong and it's not mutual, I can accept it and move on before it becomes embarrassing.)
About two weeks ago, we were talking a bit at the office and I mentioned something about working a little late that night. To my surprise, he called me later in the evening while I was still at work. We talked and joked for a bit, and he asked if I was doing anything later. I wasn't, so we agreed to get together. I asked if he wanted me to come out to where he is (we both live in different suburbs of the city we work in) and he said he was already out so he'd come my way. We said goodbye, I ran home and changed and we got together for a drink.
A couple hours later, I brought him home. (Let me say I honestly don't like blogging it like that. I know I run the risk of protesting too much, but I am conscious that how cavalierly I seem to bring people home makes me look like a slut, and I'm honestly not. I can name every person I've slept with, and it's really not that many. But back to the story.)
So I brought him home. We kissed, we fooled around, there was sex. Hot, sweaty, great sex. And he even stayed around afterwards to talk a bit.
We talked about small stuff, and then of course we talked about a little heavier stuff. He asked a few personal questions like why was he there with me at that moment. I answered his questions best I could, and then asked what his story was. He was evasive, which immediately gave me a sick feeling.
He insisted I knew what his story was. I told him I didn't, and he told me I knew but was blocking it out. After playing this shit for a few minutes, I told him that I didn't want a fucking riddle, I wanted a straightforward answer. Finally, he reminded me. Seems I met his wife three months ago.
Yup, wife. He's married. M.A.R.R.I.E.D.
I told the asshole to get the fuck out of my house, and then stripped my bed and took a shower. I know I'm not to blame, because I truly didn't know. I work in a very public-oriented job and I meet a LOT of people. His wife is one of literally thousands of people I've met in the year I've worked for this company, and it was for all of 15 seconds. I really didn't remember, because if I'd known he was married I wouldn't have even flirted with him. I've been cheated on and I absolutely refuse to have any part in making a woman worry about what her man is doing. It's a line I just won't cross. Still, it made me feel disgustingly dirty to know what I'd done, even if I didn't know I was doing it at the time.
So here's what I'd say to the asshole if the sight of him didn't make me nauseous:
You wants to cheat on your wife? Fine, that's your business. I think it's slimy and disgusting, but that's your right to be slimy and disgusting. If that's how you want to live your life, that's up to you, but don't you dare make me part of this, and don't you fucking dare try to tell me that I knew. Don't you try and tell me "it just happened". It's been building up to this for awhile and you know it. Both before and after sex, you told me you'd like to do this again. You were intending to start an affair. While I didn't come right out earlier in the evening and directly ask if you were single, I asked where your son was. I asked why you had multiple cars. I asked about coming out to your place. If you truly believed I knew you were married, you would have said your kid was with your wife. You would have mentioned one of the cars belonging to your wife. You would have told me I couldn't come to your place because YOUR WIFE WAS HOME SLEEPING! You gave me evasive answers because you realized I didn't remember her and you took advantage of that.
Don't you dare come to me at work and ask if we're still friends. You can't truly be that stupid, can you? Calling you disgusting and yelling at you to get the fuck out of my house didn't give you a clue?
Oh, and it was a real classy move to bring your wife and baby daughter by work yesterday. You're lucky I didn't walk up to her and tell her what a sleazy shitbag you are. After all, I can describe exactly how you fuck. I know your "move". You have one hell of a set of balls waving this all in front of my face and trying to place the blame on me because "I knew about it". You're a real fucking piece of work, you know that?
That's ok. Whether it be God, Karma, or something else, this will come back to get you one day. It'll come back to me too, and I accept that, but at least I acknowledge what I did and feel remorse for the innocent people that stand to be hurt if they find out what we did. You don't feel anything except interested in taking the responsibility off yourself........
Recognising Narcissism - Observing them at work
Behaviours and attitudes of the narcissist
See if you recognise any of the following:
* When he is good, he is wonderful. When he is bad he is a waking nightmare.
* He is always right and everyone else is always wrong.
* He will not accept criticism of any sort.
* His public image and how he is perceived is extremely important to him. Far more important than genuine interactions and relationships.
* He can get angry in an instant - often for things he has imagined or for no apparent or reasonably valid cause.
* When he is angry for something that he has imagined or misunderstood, you can try to prove the facts to him, drag in a hundred witnesses - he will still not change his mind.
* He twists facts to suit himself and sometimes "rewrites history" to match what he wants to believe.
* He has a natural tendency to believe the worst about people.
* He is an extremist and fickle. He can be absolutely loyal to someone, sing their praises and defend them to the death - then at the slightest disappointment, turn on them completely and in an instant.
* When not engaged in criticism and gossip, his conversation revolves around himself: his thoughts, his life, his feelings, his attitudes, his woes, his ailments, his achievements, his cleverness. Me, I and My.
* He will ask you how you are, then carry on speaking before you can answer, or cut you short and speak over you.
* If you speak loud enough and he is forced to listen (or because someone else who doesn't know the real him is around), you can see that he is not listening at all. He is distracted, possibly looking around and shuffling, or nodding his head too vigorously to speed you up. Perhaps he has simply gone glassy-eyed. You get the distinct feeling that he just wants you to shut up so that he can speak again.
* When he responds to something you have said, it is often either just a kind of grunt -- or it seems over the top.
* On the few occassions that he does praise you or acknowledge something you have done, it will normally be condescending, grudging, sarcastic or as a back-handed compliment.
* What he says and what he does seem like two opposite worlds.
* When he is with outsiders he is such a charming, friendly man. People tend to like him and admire him and you are amazed at how rational he is with them.
* He is very possibly a pillar of society and looked up to by those who deal with him but are not close. He may be in a position of leadership.
* He goes on at length and with quite some passion about things that he himself does. For example, loudly complaining about men who abusing or cheating on their wives and speaking about what harsh punishments they should be subjected to - then going home and abusing & cheating on his own wife.
* He knows how to do everything better. He could do that job better, run the organization better, run the country better…..
* He knows the answer to all of the worlds biggest problems... if only someone would listen to him/ finance him/ whatever.
* He is a victim of everyone and everything: those in authority over him, his family, his circumstances, his health, his past. He is a victim and a martyr, period. What other people accept as part of life, he takes as a personal affront, if not attack.
* When someone close to him achieves something noteworthy, he makes it about himself and in some way will take the credit for it, ensuring that he is in the limelight, not the person who actually deserves it.
* He inflicts pain on others and actually enjoys doing it.
* He strategically plans how to break people down and hurt them.
* He is a control freak.
* If he knows something is important to you, he will use it to punish or control you.
* If he knows something is important to you, he will in some way try to deprive you of it or make you jump through hoops for it.
* He is the worst possible gift giver, seldom if ever giving you what you really want. Most times you will get something that you really don't want or an extremely inferior version of what you want and then woe betide you if you are not overcome with gratitude for it.
* He gives you his discards and expects you to be really grateful. After all, even his junk has more value than anything new that you could buy or own.
* He does you favours that bear a high price. Everything he does for you requires your eternal gratitude and any "debts" to this person are never paid off, no matter what you do.
SOURCE
Showing 1 - 5. [ Next ]