Letting Go @ MindSay 
love
ABOUT A MONTH AGO THIS LITTLE GIRL WENT INTO HER DORM ROOM AT HER HIGH SCHOOL AND WENT TO THE CLOSET SHE OPENED THE DOORS AND GRABED HOLD OF THE WIRE THAT SHE HAD STRUNG. SHE PULLED IT TIGHTLY AROUND HER NECK AND STEPPED OFF THE CHAIR. I WISH THAT SHE HADENT DONE WHAT SHE DID BUT ITS TO LATE TO STOP HER. SHE IS GONE FOREVER AND SHE WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE LOVED AND CARED FOR HER. IF YOU HAVE A HEART YOU WILL VISIT HER BLOG AND SEE WHO SHE WAS. SHE WAS A VERY BRIGHT GIRL THAT WAS GOING PLACES WHO JUST GREW UP IN THE WRONG PLACE. quugalria SHE WILL BE MISSED SO MUCH
HERE ARE SOME OF HER OWN WORDS:
“Rachelle,” she said angrily, “What are you doing up?” Of course, what’s a teen to do when it’s eleven o’clock at night trying to go to bed when there is a ruckus downstairs? “I can’t go to bed,” I said with a whine. “You guys are too loud.” As I slowly walk up the stairs with my head facing down, I headed for my room wishing the noise could go away. “Shut up!” my mother yelled, standing at the bottom of the stairs, slurring her words screaming at my step-dad. “Stupid son of a bitch,” she screamed while her face turns red as she raises her voice.
Hearing the screaming and fighting of my mother’s anger toward my dad was just one thing I hated about living at home. But there was something else I hated even more than anything else: the drinking. I remember when my parents would leave for a few days at a time to go somewhere else but later on I found out they just wanted to drink.
Being left at home wasn’t a huge problem. I shopped for food and I cleaned the house hoping that when they came back they will be proud of me. I was always alone. It scared me. The biggest fear I have is to be alone. Having a big house, yet empty and trashed wasn’t so comforting. Since my parents weren’t around, I realized that I had no boundaries. Nothing would keep me from doing what I wanted to do. I always had my friends over when I was alone. “Hey do you want to sleep over?” I asked one of my friends. “I am not sure but I can ask mom.” replied Cheryl. Unfortunately, it was a school night so she wasn’t able to. I spent about a half and hour trying to find one of my friends to sleep over but no one wasn’t able to. Sadly, I had to sleep alone that night. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night scared. It was so dark that the only light I saw was the streetlight coming from outside the window. The shadows in the living room frightened me. They looked like they were about to get me. As scared as I was, all I did was lay there, hoping that I could fall asleep quickly without thinking about what’s going to happen if someone tries to break inside.
The memories of my past permanently scarred me forever. My childhood wasn’t the happiest time of my life. My mother had me when she was only seventeen years old. She wasn’t ready to have a child. I don’t even think she planned on having me either. She wasn’t really there for me when I was a baby. So I lived with my grandmother most of the time. But there were times when she tried to get me. My mother scared me. There was a time when she came into grandmother’s house yelling, looking for me like she wanted to just beat the shit out of me. Immediately, my grandma Mary told me to hide under the blankets and not say anything.
“Where’s Rachelle,” she said yelling at her mother, who is my grandma, as she searches inside the house.
“Tara, can you see,” my grandmother said, “The way you are treating her is wrong” she asked my mother.
“I don’t care,” my mother yelled. She told my grandmother she didn’t give a rat’s ass what she was doing. She just told her to stay out of her business. I was crying loudly so obviously she found me. My mother yanked the blankets off, pulled me by my arm trying to take me out of my grandma’s house. But, luckily my Uppa Fred came in and kicked her out of the house.
When I was at home, it was a nightmare. Being left alone with her meant tortI remember her picking me up by my hair and throwing me around like rag doll. For what reason? Why? What did I do? All of these I do not know. For hours I spent crying hoping that it will end. Sooner or later she had to take a cigarette break. Knowing that I would call the police she told me not to use the phone. As soon as she left the house, I quickly went to call my grandmother’s house. Too late. She had already caught me. She grabbed the phone and hid it. When was this going to end? I asked myself.
Finally, my Aunty Buzzy came inside the house, with shock, to check on my mom and found me crying hysterically. Right when I saw her I ran toward her to safety. Then she immediately took me out of the house until the next day. “It’s okay Rachelle,” my Aunty Buzzy said in sympathy, “She doesn’t know what she’s doing because she’s drunk.” Yet, the painful experiences I have faced helped made me become a strong-hearted person.
My father’s snow-machine accident caused my mother’s alcohol problems to worsen. I felt like my life was a living hell. Everyday my mother was either drinking or hung over. After five years of taking care of my dad she gave up. My dad wasn’t how he used to be. He stole money from my mom and always ran away. It wasn’t until she found a boyfriend named Shawn. How did she meet him? In jail. Why was she in jail? Because she threw me down the stairs of our house. This happened during the winter. Then, I walked to my grandma’s house with no coat or any type of winter clothing and told my grandma what happened. Then she decided to press charges. Once my mother and Shawn got out of jail they started seeing each other. The first time I met him I automatically did not like him. It was only after she met him that I didn’t matter anymore. The drinking was still an issue.
After time passed, they had already started a family. We moved to his parents’ house and it was only a matter of time until we became a problem. His family hated my mother because of her rude attitude and her alcohol problem. So, we all moved out and moved into a small old house that smelt like gas because of the heating monitor. Shortly after, their drinking became an everyday habit. The police came three days in a row because of their disturbance towards the neighbors. Finally, we were taken away. Then everything changed. My brother Cory, a year old, was the only person I lived for. I knew that I was never to see him again. My second brother Shawn, who was only a few months old at the time, didn’t know what was going on. The last born, Kobe was not born yet so he didn’t have a big effect on me at the time. Because of this, I was never ever to see my family again. It is only once a year I am able to see them. Once is not enough.
Now that I am out of my family’s house, I do not have to deal with the fighting and abuse ever again. Ever since I was taken away, I have been angry at my mother for choosing to make all the wrong decisions. I choose not to become anything like her. She is a role-model of what I wish not to become. Today, I am a drug free student of Mount Edgecumbe High School, receiving the best education to become a person of success and happiness wishing to live life, and accomplish my dream to become a law school student. Although, I do not get to live my life with the people I love. I still believe that the day my brothers and I were taken away was the turning point of our lives. At least they do not have to go through the pain and abuse that I was given from my alcoholic mother. What I have experienced has helped me realize that no one can hurt me more than I have already been hurt. I am proud to know that I have broken the family cycle. Today, I stand as a proud survivor of an alcohol based home. Being drug-free and sober is the most honorable pride I have as a child that lived through domestic violence.
Life is amazing, isn't it...
How inept we are at directing the course of our emotions,
and yet, we try,
as tho' we have power to control each and every impulse at it's source.
Among all life's lessons,
I've learned the sheer lunacy of thinking in terms of 'possessing' anything or anyone.
Neither am I inundated with the spirit of grief, jealousy, envy or greed.
My grasp is loose and gentle and I let go with ease,
relishing the joy
of having touched
at all.
lovespirit
James A. Baldwin
then of course, i started wondering if albert had been with her because he didn't come by at all yesterday, or at least not as of like 10:00pm. he told me when i saw him on monday that he only comes by here when cyn is not around, which i do appreciate, and its hard for him to read it when he is alone because their friend chris from back in fresno is living with them now. he did tell me, tho, that chris really doesn't care, (when chris first came up here albert said he didn't want to get involved in anyway), n yes, i know albert also has other things to do with his time, such as homework, but he's NEVER been very studious and really i think the reason why it gets to me n i somewhat obsess over it, (i surprisingly have been able to block it out fairly well for now), is because the fact that its no big deal to him that he didn't come by for a day is no big deal to him, because it shows me that he's a lot more over this than i am and that he doesn't care about me as much as i care about him. then again, he also just might be better at blocking that shit out, but i guess it would be a little easier if i still had friends n a partner, too, even if my partner was a little cunt n i said i'd never forgive her for letting me get close to someone the way she let him get close to me only to force me to break up with them only to jump back in bed with them not even a full month later.
but anyway, mike is watching something w/ two of his friends downstairs n they have the volume up so loud that is shaking the floor, so i'm gonna tell them to turn it down n relax. i've been sick all day. :(
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