Lesbians @ MindSay

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This is horrible.
I've had a perfectly reasonable day - yet I've had a moment of destructive lapse and now I feel like slitting my wrists as per usual.
 
Fair enough, I've felt pretty shitty recently. I'm unsure why. The slightest little thing has been making me depressed and suicidal for hours, days even weeks on end. I felt reasonable yesterday and I've felt reasonable for practically all of today - it was just from 9PM onwards. I don't even know what triggered me. I can't even see this trigger. Normally I can recognise them.
 
About today, anyway...
Shelly said she was coming earlier so we could express our love for each other colourfully, as we do. But she came well later than she'd said, so we only got to have a little quickie. It was alright, I suppose. I'd have liked longer, but if that's all I could have had, I wouldn't have been THAT bothered - because along with my shitty mood recently, I've also had a massive loss in sex drive. It sucks. I neither want it or want to give it. I make myself give it, because I don't want to upset Shelly. I don't enjoy it as much as I normally would, but I don't despise it either, so... :(
 
Ash came at about quarter past 12 and we kicked off our day with some Nintendo 64 action.
I don't know what it is with Ash, but if she knows I have new games, she doesn't like me to leave them until I've finished other ones. She likes me to try out all my new games as soon as she's there, or as soon as I can.
 
Thus, she requested that I play Turok: Rage Wars.
My first disappointment came when I realised I couldn't actually save my progress because I don't have a controller pak. But I disregarded this and carried on to the single-player mode.
Now this is where my entire failure at first-person-shooter games became apparent. I can't aim to save my life. I'd miss the first few shots before I actually got to kill the bastard dinosaurs.
 
I also didn't like the controls. The control stick was for AIMING. The C BUTTONS were for MOVING.
I was just like WTF.... The C buttons are usually fairly useless on most N64 games. They're just for camera control or special moves.
 
I suppose if I was a lover of shooting games, this would be a pretty good game. But the fact I despise the entire genre has indeed put a negative slant on my opinion. At least I can recognise this. I can make valid points when I express reasons why I do and don't like games. (I'm not a stubborn biased little cow like Shelly is - although this opinion is about to be proven wrong towards the end of this blog. :P)

This irony of my terrible aim then became apparent when I tried to squirt my magic ink at Ash's shirt. I aimed about 4 inches too high and instead of getting her chest - I got her in the face. Totally missed my target... Her face was pretty hilarious, but then I felt really guilty about it. I still do. :(
 
Not giving up on the N64 though - I played through the first hour or so of Conker's Bad Fur Day. I had to make sure I included the boss fight with The Great Mighty Poo and the cutscene with the prune juice and the cows.
Ash and Shelly are a right pair of miserable gits - when Adam and I played CBFD together, we were in absolute fits, but they didn't find it half as amusing as we did. :(

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The next few hours were taken up by sharing round my jar of fruit rock and playing through the band career on Guitar Hero: Metallica.
Dixie played lead, Shelly played bass and Ash played drums. We were a reasonable set and we bagged a fair few 4 and 5 star rankings. Shelly and I continued on for a few songs afterwards when Ash got bored.
I want to finish off the band career - namely so I can mark it down as BEATEN on my Backloggery. :P

I made us turkey drummers and waffles for tea.
When dad was upstairs on the PC, I must've started to get the sugar rush effect from the fruit rock. I went into this weird mood.

I was sort of describing a hot sex fantasy to Shelly over the table. I knew I was half-serious - the look on her face was fucking hilarious and Ash was absolutley pissing herself. I can remember most of it, lmao. Let us document it here so I can look back and get aroused over it. :P

"We could go into the kitchen together... You wearing your chef whites and your hat... And you can make me a cake. You can sit me on the worktop while I watch you mix up the batter for me... Then you'd let me lick the bowl... You'd ask me if I wanted extra chocolate chips and I'd be all like (sexual voice) 'OH YES CHEF...' And perhaps I'd beat you on the bum with a fish slice..."

- And it sort of carried on like that for about 10 minutes. I'm fucking epic at making up things on the spot. I didn't even stumble or falter - it just kept on coming for quite a while before I ran out of ideas. :)

Shelly was like: "YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS AREN'T YOU?"
And I'm like: "...I MIGHT BE!"

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Dad letting me have a pint of fruit cider did absolutley nothing to calm this hyper mood down either.
I was doing a weird combination of laughs - ones I'd never even heard before. Ash kept giving me the look then pissing herself at me.

The two of us got Shelly to play Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker.
We both thought she wouldn't even try it - but she got up the the pirate ship hold. Fair enough she's a bit dozy and we had to lead her about first - but she even proved how quick she understands games. When she got to the Outset Forest, I said "right then, you know what to do, you can do this bit by yourself" - and she was purposely running round in circles, but she knew EXACTLY the way you had to go.
Fucking slag. :P

Ash went home at around ten to nine - and Shelly got her wicked way with me.
I still felt reluctant at first, as I have done for weeks, but we finally got somewhere.
I didn't do her for very long, so I told her not to do me for long either - but within 10 minutes, she'd got me to do that which I hadn't been able to do for so long. It felt fucking amazing - but then I cried.

And from crying, lead to sort of bawling.
It was the usual crying I do after climax, but then it sort of turned into upset crying - and I wasn't even sure why I got upset. Shelly and I didn't get much time to sort it afterwards either, because dad took her home at 10. I dried my eyes and went with her in the car home - but when I got back, I cut myself.
If only I knew WHY I'd gotten so upset... Perhaps I could have sorted it myself and stopped myself from hurting myself, but...

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Today has been rather odd.
I was waiting for Shelly to come - laid downstairs on the sofa. She'd told me she was coming at 12, but she didn't come until almost 1.
It was weird, it's one of the rare occurances where I sit there and proper think about her and how much I love her - naturally I do, I just don't sit and think about it a lot because I'm usually too depressed to - but when she ended up coming, I proper threw myself at her. I hugged for ages then dragged her upstairs and I had my clothes off in like ten minutes flat. Proper weird.

I could tell it was making her excited though - I was in a bit of a weird mood.
After we'd had our special time together, I took the money mam had left us - and I went to ASDA. She told me to get bread and something for us both to eat. We hadn't eaten dinner, and I wasn't even that hungry, so we just bought a jar of hotdogs and some buns for our tea.

Then I got some Pepsi, cheese Doritos, Milkybar yoghurts and a bag of whirly bites. I wanted some nibbles for us to munch on while we were playing games.
We ate the hotdogs when we came back and watched Outtakes TV. We nibbled on the whirly bites and shared out the Milkyway yoghurts. It's been so long since I've had one - they're so sweet and creamy. Really moreish as well, you proper want more than just the one.

We went back upstairs and for some reason, we ended up falling asleep.
Dad woke us both up about an hour or two later - we were both cuddled up on my bed proper asleep. I don't even know why, I wasn't even tired.
I was in a weird mood after that, but Shelly did persuade me to play Guitar Hero with her.

She asked me to give her tutorials. She's struggling on level 7 of GH3 - so I went onto practice mode and loaded up the songs she was struggling with - showed her how you do it, talked her through my techniques and some hints she could use.

Oddly enough, I then was looking through my old scores for the Expert career - and I wasn't happy with some of them.
I haven't played on Expert for ages, so it was weird suddenly jumping back into it - but I managed to upgrade a 3-star ranking song to a 4-star and I upgraded a different 4-star rating to a 5-star - with 98%, no less. :D
Shelly was pleased with me.

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I'm currently playing four games, attempting to get somewhere close to finishing them off:

- Shadow The Hedgehog (GC)
- Banjo-Kazooie (N64)
- Super Paper Mario (Wii)
- Pokémon Ranger: Shadows Of Almia (DS)

Pokémon Ranger is oddly addicting...
Super Paper Mario is a pile of shite, I just want to get it finished off. I'm going for a mastered run - 100% entire. It shall be torture, but it'll look nice on my Backloggery. The two-star rating for the game will look weird amongst the 4-star rated ones though.


Sigh, Dixie is not looking forward to tomorrow.
The only good thing is that I don't have shitty English.
Seriously, when I had decent teachers, I liked it - but as soon as I got to college, I started fucking it all up. :(

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Summer Accomplishments:

- Completed Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban - 100% completion (GC)

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Two of my games came today. I'm now only waiting for two more - three if you count the one that Shelly ordered for me today. :)

Today dawned the arrival of Herdy Gerdy and Alter Echo - the 98p bargain find. :)
And this amused me. Alter Echo was sent in a plain brown envelope with handwriting on it, not a typed sticker like all the others had done. It had three 1st class stamps on it.

Three 1st class stamps equal about 99p.
And seeing as how the delivery was free for me - I bought the game for 98p, and it's cost them more to send it than it has for me to buy it. :D

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Shelly came today at about half 3.
I got her to inspect my discs. Seeing as how they're mainly preowned, she used her keen PS2-disc-eye to tell me if they were playable. None of them are even badly scratched. One or two have a few surface marks, but that's all.
Orphen looks practically brand-new.

Some of the cases were slightly discoloured - probably because the owners had smoked, so I wiped them down with a wet sock. :)
(It was the closest thing to me at the time.)

Then I proceeded to pin Shelly to the bed and smear it all over her face. :)
It was rather amusing.

Then I gave Shelly £10 and she used her card to order Jackass: The Game from Play.com for me.
It looks quite similar to Bully. The way everything's rendered. Perhaps it'll play the same, mission-based and the like.

We ate hotdogs and mini-milks and played Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits.
Shelly played bass, I played lead. She'd even bought me a bag of Milky Way Magic Stars - so we ate these together too. :)

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After she'd gone home, I finished off Harry Potter 3.
Of the three games I own, it's the first one I've gotten the full 100%.
There's no dodgy minecart or gnome-throwing mini-games rendering me with a few cards missing from the book...

Oh, and there's no Quidditch either. Rock the fuck on - Quidditch did my bloody head in. :)

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I've spent a good day with Shelly today. :)
We were alone for a good portion of it - so all was fun... Tee hee.

When we were being good, we drank Pepsi and blackcurrant, listened to King Diamond and played with my modelling clay.
I made Sonic today - because Shelly likes him.
I think it's pretty good:





Shelly didn't want her photo taken today. :)

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Shelly had said that she was going to help me to get writing DATWBSVOH today.
We talked about it for a while but it ended up depressing me, so I sat in the space between my drawers and my bed and cried for a while. Shelly got upset too.

Mam came in, being a nosey cunt and asked what was happening and I said it was nothing she could help me with.
As soon as Shelly had gone - mam had a fit and kicked off, the stupid cunt - calling me a martyr and all this bollocks. Hmmm yes - that's the best way to speak to someone who has continual and frequent thoughts of self-harm and suicide isn't it?

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I spent a big portion of the morning playing on Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits.
Despite my mam being in the room on the PC - I still went on vocals.
I'm unsure why - maybe it was an odd burst of confidence.
Yesterday was one of my better vocals days - I seemed to be getting a lot more 100%s than usual.

Shelly finished work early in the afternoon, so she came round again to see me.
Today wasn't my best of days.
My mood and Shelly's mood were the most conflicting and contrasting they've ever been.

One thing though, I'm glad we didn't argue with each other.
I felt that shit, I'd have just slashed my wrists infront of her and not cared.

I wasn't even bothered to do anything, so I was just laid on my bed most of the time, staring into space, or at the ceiling.
Fair enough, I cuddled up to Shelly - because hugs keep me from getting a lot worse. I had random bursts of tears - at one point where I needed my inhaler, but I wouldn't take it.

But Shelly wanted lots of kisses, and I didn't want to be kissed. I wasn't in the mood.
I'm sure she could tell - because when she kissed me, I didn't kiss her back very much.

She was also in a rather randy mood - and I seriously wasn't interested.
I felt like just curling up in a ball and dying - so the last thing I wanted was to be intimate with her.
Normally I would jump at the chance, or at least, be slightly enthusiastic about it.
Today just wasn't the same.

I regretted letting her touch me - because I felt even worse afterwards.
Didn't feel like I'd deserved it - and it hadn't felt anywhere near as good as it normally does. I had too many things in my head I had to think about, I couldn't concentrate either.

I didn't have any energy either - even though I gave Shelly attention a few times - my arm gave up really easily, so she didn't get very lengthy sessions. And I couldn't even do what I normally do to get feeling back in my wrist - I just gave up in the end.

Shelly was getting upset, thinking I didn't love her anymore or wasn't interested in her anymore.
This was pathetic - surely she could see I'd lost fucking interest in EVERYTHING, not just her.
I was actually surprised I'd been arsed to have a shower and brush my teeth - because when I lapse this badly, I don't even feel like doing that.

Despite wanting to just go and slit my throat, I still cuddled Shelly and held her in my arms when she started crying. Obviously, I wouldn't just ignore her. She wouldn't do it to me, so.

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Today and Tuesday, we've had nothing in that Shelly actually drinks - so she'd brought along a little bottle of Schweppes dilutable concentrated blackcurrant.
It smells proper lush and it tastes alright too.

I had a pint of it, when Shelly decided to share it - and I got an odd hyper burst for about 10 minutes.
I was skipping up and down the kitchen and doing the comedic sneak-walk up the stairs.
Then I ate a sausage roll - but before I bit into it, I tried to see how much I could stick down my throat before I gagged - then I took it out of my mouth again and slapped Shelly about the face with it.
Soggy pastry. :D

Then naturally, as soon as the hyperness went away, I felt about five times shitter than I did before.

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Claire was talking on and off to me on MSN.
She found a photo of our old secondary school's headmaster - and she was using Photoshop to stick his head onto peoples' bodies. She started with a Bad Taste Bear, then I suggested she put him on Marylin Monroe's body - and that one was proper hilarious.

Then I suggested a hunk or a body builder, and she sent me this:



Lmfaooooooo. :D

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Ash apppeared online shortly after - and she said she'd snaffled Jordan's laptop.
Which, has decent connection and a built-in webcam and microphone. :D

So we had a video conversation.
Well, my webcam's finally decided to die - so she only got audio from us.
Shelly tried to keep quiet, oddly not wanting Ash to know she was here - until we made her piss herself laughing and she PROPER echoed round the room.
I'm surprised everyone in Ash's bungalow didn't hear her. :)

And naturally, Ash is a bit of a knob on a webcam.
Prime print-screened example:



"HIYAAAAARRR..."