Lament @ MindSay 
Superstars -- they are not like us.
One of the greatest superstars has died. Michael Jackson was a popular culture icon from his pre-teen years until his death, and his legend will continue to grow. He was no mere PT Barnum; Michael was the real thing: a world-historical figure whose fame overshadows sultans, kings, and presidents. He sold three-fourths of a billion albums, but this is secondary. He was, in John Lennon's famous phrasing, "Bigger than Jesus." And as with our image-making of the legend of Jesus, our every hope, desire, revulsion became projected onto his image, his character.
Thus he walked with a burden no one else can know. Michael died too young, and I am so saddened by his death. Others have suggested comparisons to other pop stars, but they can only fall pathetically short. Michael Jackson became like an angel when he performed. In his private world, he was chased by devils. He lived outside himself, never comfortable in his own skin.
Michael does not leave much for us to analyze; his art was not the content of the music or the dance, but the performance itself. Watching TV in 1985, I saw an audience-member cry, "Oh my God, I just saw Michael Jackson!" The man himself was in the distance, glittering in gold and silver.
He was not larger than life -- life was too small for him. Our cultural epoch is in love with fame, tragic drama, and spectacle. As Mick Jagger sang in the Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil":
In the end, we know that Michael Jackson was not better than us. The man may well have been a pederast and nonviolent sociopath. He very nearly went to jail for years; he was charged with 14 counts of child molestation. But let it be known -- our culture has no gods save the idea of "Michael Jacksons" and those like him. In an era of digital reproduction, "reality" has slid into melodrama. Well-fed and decadent, we hunger for figures unimaginable. A hero with gigantic talents and perhaps even larger character flaws has gone gentle into that good night, and we are all the worse for it.
I shouted out,
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
One thing that has changed over the last three years or so is my motivation. I'm really pushing myself now, I have goals. I know it makes me sound crazy but I want to change the world. I want to show people the power of the individual, what one person can do, and inspire in them what great things, together, we may become. I'm constantly working to meet my definition of "great", and I'm planning a book that, in depth, covers it. My goal is to become larger than life, to make this world as amazing as I possibly can, and I have to martyr myself to it relentlessly.
It took me a long time to realize that doing so was the only thing that would make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day, and this only came to me when I had a graduating class looking up to me. I think that did change me more than anything else, but there were more gradual things, too. I try not to let petty things bother me anymore. I do my best to lament nothing, I got so sick of sitting around brooding over things I couldn't do anything about. Life is really short, and I have much better ways to spend my time.
I've given my life's path a lot of thought...I've studied Buddhism, various sects of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Nihilism, and quite a few other beliefs. What really set me on my course was when I was arguing against Nihilism, I was arguing that this world, that everything, does matter, because what "matters" is only relative to the individual perceiving it, and not solely the Nihilist. I decided that the only thing that matters to me is this world, that this is where I want to be, and that my only concerns past my own security and happiness were the present and future of this world.
I went a step farther some time ago; my grandfather was like a second father to me, and was very important to my childhood, and I learned his last words, "I need something to hold onto." I can't let that happen to me, I have to know that I did something, that I did everything possible. That, on my death bed, I can know for a fact that I had martyred myself to what really did matter to me. Is that noble? To cast away any chance at redemption whether you believe in it or not, and do as I think I should? Or have I just lost my mind?
It's not a question of logic, though. It's a morality question. In a society when the norm is only self-gratification, is it insane to sacrifice one's self for something else? Is it honorable? And is it honorable still if the only reason one is doing so is for their own self-gratification or validation?
Well it finally happened. My dad went down to see pa again and called us up last night to say he was glad I didnt come cause pa was so sick. But he also said that he said to pa that us kids sent our love and pa opened his eyes, looked at dad and said thanks. So that last bit got through to him. He died last night.
RIP Lloyd Keith Clark
Your family loves you,
You'll stay forever strong in our hearts
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
Since I have nothing else to say other than my normal laments, here is another thing i wrote on Saturday after Shadow died, and obviously, if you look at the time, after the entry i posted yesterday.
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 2:41pm
A few times now I've thought about going into the living room to play with Shadow, and then I remember that he's not there and never will be again. It hits me and stings for a moment, and then I go right back to pretending that he's just outside right now or some stupid shit like that. I wish I could be blogging, but my brother is playing Counter Strike and even though I need the moral support right now, I know he'll still be a fucking cunt about giving it up. It really sux not having moral support, too. Nam told me that when Shadow died he'd be there for me. Of course, that was before he became an echo of the faggot, rapist asshole I left for him. I can't believe how Nam went from loving me and still wanting to be friends to a complete asshole that signs on to AIM and goes invisible if I'm on. He thinx I'm as stupid as every other guy I've ever been involved with "intametly" does. The last time he pulled that shit I sent him a message telling him that Shadow's time was near, and he gave me his synthetic condolences. After I get back to campus and send him the stuff of his that I have I'm deleting him from all my buddy lists and my e-mail. There's no fucking point. He gave me this bullshit about how he doesn't call when he's awake late because he doesn't know who's up. Motherfucker! I told him and he KNOWS I never sleep before midnight! He just got quiet. Honestly, he knows about the shit Daniel and Phoenix have put me through, and because he doesn't talk to me anymore he doesn't even know about Phoenix's most recent string of lies. Why did Nam think I would't see straight through his? Do I come off retarded?
Hmmm, how odd that this turned into something about Nam. I guess it's better to be pissed as hell about that instead of being depressed and mourning Shadow's death, huh? I wonder if my brain is doing this on purpose or if it's any traces of the Effexor that are keeping me from completely losting it. The thing is, I haven't had the Effexor for almost three weeks now, and when I was taking it regularly it only worked every now and then. This also reminds me that I need more birth control. I thought I was set for another three months, but I was wrong. Hopefully Kaiser won't fuck that up like they fucked up with my Effexor, because unlike the Effexor which I'm doing ok without, I'm fucked withough my birth control. I started it originally to help gain control of my periods because those were so bad. It wasn't uncommon that I'd bleed for 13 or 14 days, and the cramps got worse and worse. They weren't off to the sides where my ovaries are, but would be in my uterus while I was on my actual period. I'd burst out crying because it hurt so bad, and at times I could hardly even stand. While the Naproxin helps with the pain, the birth control does most of the work. It's made them relatively regular, too. Every now and then they start a day or two early or late and every now and then it will end a day or two before or after it's supposed to, but that's it. Before my periods came whenever they felt like it. Sometimes my period would come only two weeks after the last one ended, and sometiems it would be a month. When I can get Brian off the computer and the internet is still working, I'll- that won't work because I don't have the perscription number with me. Fuck.
Ha, what an odd entry. I might call Anna and talk to her about this, but maybe I'm just not ready to do that either. Damn, I thought about playing with Shadow again.
3:11pm
It's funny that the people who were telling me that Shadow wasn't a real family member haven't apologized yet. I seriously doubt they even cared to read my past entry at all. Thank you to those of you who did, btw. No one ever reads my long meaningful entries, so it's kinda nice that people finally did.
