Kylie @ MindSay

I totally skipped the month of May. A lot has been going on in my neck of the woods. I have been able to pop on a few times here and there to check out what my peoples have been up to, but really have not had the time to do an actual entry. Here is my usual little bulleted summary of stuff in no particular order of happenings.

• Ben and I broke up. We are still great friends and see each other everyday. He is probably moving to Arizona because he can make nearly almost triple what he does here.
• helendaysauce had her baby!
• My cell phone is on the verge of dying. Evidently a lot of moisture got into it and fucked it up hardcore. I didn't know what to do, so Ben and I went to the Alltel in Merrill seeing as there are no Alltels in Wausau. The dick working asked me "Are you sure this is an Alltel phone?". Uh, yeah...I wouldn't be bringing it to you if it wasn't. It is now working, but hit and miss. Of course, I don't have insurance on it and I have over a year left in my contract.
• It is Woodchuck season again!
• I finally went to the doctor for my anxiety and depression. The doctor put me on Fluoxetine and I am to call him in two weeks to let him know how it is going. So far I am not feeling any different except I am now sleeping through the night.
• Going on two months of overtime at work and people are really getting sick of it; not the pay, but working the long hours and not getting a thank you. Four ten hour days for sure; an occassional fifth ten hour day or a half day is thrown in there.
• My brother graduated from college.
• I have been looking for different fulltime employment since about Thanksgiving and haven't had much luck. Not really expecting much out there now with the current state of the economy.
• I was off of work at the video store for medical reasons and went back in the begining of May to let the manager know I was able to come back to work. He told me that because he didn't know when I was going to be coming back, he hired a bunch of people and now he didn't even have the hours to give them. Is it that hard to give me a call and be like, "Hey Sara, this is Shaun. I was wondering if you had a possible timeline for when you would be coming back. I am looking to be hiring more people and wanted to make sure you were coming back before I started interviewing."
• My brother's band Flash Back has been playing at a bar in Rapids on a regular basis and now is going to be playing there every third Saturday of the month.
• Will be seeing Seether and REO Speedwagon this summer at the fair.
• Had pink-eye. I was really hoping it was just allergies, but of course it couldn't be. Plus, I have never had goopy eyes with allergies, so I knew it was a long shot. The whole week prior to my pink-eye, five out of the seven kids in my classroom had the whole pink-eye like symptoms; none of their doctors would confirm it, but they were treating it with drops just to be on the safe side. Yeah, try to tell me none of them had pink-eye and I ended up with it -- in BOTH eyes.
• I really want to see NKOTB when they tour this summer.
• Brought my bike up from my parents' place. I haven't ridden it much yet. I really need to ride from the apartment to work to see how long it is going to take me to ride to work.
• Might be heading back to the Twin Cities this summer and head back to IKEA and go to the Hard Rock Cafe. I will call ahead and make sure that they have the Lillberg couch before I go.

I was reading some of the top blogs that were for mother's day....and it really got me thinking.

My cousins Megan and Kylie lost their mom Terry to cancer.....I wonder what it was like this year for them. I know last year Kylie made a mothers day card for her dad and said that he's the best "mom" she could ask for now and that she loved him.

At first, when Terry died, for the first year, whenever Megan would not want to do something...she would say, "Mommy said I don't have to," and when we'd tell her thta her mommy wasn't there right now, she'd say, "Yeah, but she's coming back from Heaven soon," as if Terry lived in a town called 'Heaven.' Every fucking time she said that, I wished I could make her understand somehow that her mommy was never coming back to her, but there was nothing I could do but leave the room to let the tears slowly run down my cheeks because I didn't want her to see and ask questions about why my eyes were raining (as she would've said back then).

I'll never forget how hard it was to watch them (and how hard it still is), go on without a mother there for them. There are just things a girl needs her mother for, especially in the teenage years.....and I never thought I'd admit that, but I just did. It's so hard...and so easy to see that they really do need a mother, and this may sound selfish, but I really don't think there is anyone that could EVER even come close to Terry.

I miss her. I know everyone does....especially her husband and two little girls. ...I wonder what they did for Mother's day...

I know the girls don't want a new mommy, but I know Keith is lonely (even though my sister is going to be staying there for another year). He never shows it, but I know he is....it's not that hard to figure out when you can read people's ezpressions sometimes. I feel bad....

Well that's all for now. I had a lot more in my head but I'm half-asleep. Literally.

Goodnight everyone!

<3 Nicole

Last night I had the worst dream.  My baby is twenty years old now and she ain't getting any younger.  I do not know when her time will come but I hope to God that it is not now.  The dream I had last night just confirmed that I am not ready.  I have three horses.  One who I love above all is Kylie.  She's my first horse and she is my love.  She's perfect in every single way even with her faults.  I had a dream that she died.

In my dream I went out to the barn one morning, it had been quite cold the night before and she froze, though the other two were fine.  This is from me fighting an uphill battle with getting 300lbs put back on her.  She was standing up and just would not move, she felt freezing to the touch.  I started wheeping.  Then I realized that I didn't like the new horse I got, and my filly I can't ride, I love her, but she's not Kylie.  They are not Kylie.  I cried even more.

I grabbed ahold of her cold neck, the neck I have hugged for six years and the tears just streamed down her now lifeless shoulder.  I wanted so bad to die just so I could see her in Heaven... I would be stupid to think that my Lord and Savior would not have my most precious love not there waiting for me.  In Heaven, God has a house built just for you with everything I could desire and he knows how much I love Kylie...Of course she's there. 

Then in my dream I got so involved with the church and I felt such an inner peace about having God in my life.  But all the while, the thing that kept me going was that when the world ends, I would fly up on angel's wings and see my baby again.  I know if she died, it didn't matter if I was eighteen or eighty, I would cry into my pillow every night for the loss of my love.  My baby.  I am not ready.

fin.