King Lear @ MindSay 
Wow! It's been 5 months since I’ve posted here!!!
Well... What's happened? In chronological order:
- My Dad got married and my parents-in-law came over to attend the wedding.
- We got two new kittens, Zeppelin and Kashemere, they are adorable. Zeppizoo is very mischievious, hehe...
- I graded A-Level this year.
- I've started on a new baby quilt but it's not ready yet and I’m too busy to finish it as of now.
- I spent summer studying for aggregation which I’ll be taking next January.
- We went to Rock en Seine to see the concert of Rage Against The Machine and it was great!
- I got sent to work the whole year in Amplepuis, which is 2 and a half hours of train to go and the same back. I wonder how I’ll survive the year... really...
- I've started to attend courses for agregation, some of them are interesting, other not so much... I must say that Richard Ford's writing is not my favourite. However, we also have to study Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre, and Shakespeare's King Lear, and those are good... so...
I'm not sure I thought of everything, but it's quite a sum up already... I'll try to keep this up as well as I can...
I hate it when things in my life are just mediocre. What is the point in the events at all if they aren't going to mean anything of any great significance to me? Why just go through the motions of living without any real meaning and purpose behind all of it?
This week has been interesting… kind of bad, but I've learned, at least, and it ended well.
School was pretty rough. That's what you get, I supposed, when you have a week off and then you come back. I had to actually do work in Calculus before our test on Wednesday, which I was definitely freaking out about (but I felt much better after taking it), and then there was the problem set in Chemistry that nearly beat me up (over three hours from three good brains were put into it Thursday night).
Then there was my personal life. Not such a great week, I guess. Things were going very, very well (in my opinion, anyway) before the break. Then it was rough when I went back to school. Nothing felt right, it was all weird, and I felt helpless because I wanted to fix it but didn't know how. Luckily, that's all over now… thanks to a very nice phone call I received Friday afternoon =D.
But I was definitely bummed most of the week. Everything just felt out of sync. Like the Elizabethans believed... top down.. the universe was just out of order, causing massive catastrophe every where. And then there was the Machiavellian deal… The Prince. Hell yes. Oh yeah, we're studying King Lear in English. Shakespeare is absolutely a genius. I have enjoyed it so far, which is unusual for me because it's meant that I've done homework.
Psychology class has been spent discussing sex for the majority of the week. That's been, um… interesting.
Then I had all-county, and the Veteran's Day parade. The parade, I believe, violated my 8th amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment. My ankle was killing me. I supposed that's what happens when you aggravate previously torn tendons and sprained ligaments… one downfall to gymnastics.
I got a lesson in humility this weekend, too… yup, I had to stand at the door of Reynolds Auditorium with a basket, asking people to donate money to the band program to make up for the debt from the Dallas Brass clinic/concert. At least I was able to get a 20 from my dad, and another one from Mr. Green as well. I just realized the irony of his last name and the fact that I was just talking about him contributing money (think greenbacks… maybe I was the only one to make that connection).
Anyway, I was kind of restless last night… was a bit worried about something. This morning, I went to church, then I've spent the majority of the afternoon cleaning and doing homework, my two favorite things to do. Oh yeah, and I made brownies, for the antioxidants, of course.
I'm pretty tired, but I've still got lots to do this evening. I wonder how much of it I will actually get around to. Whoever thought that a two day school week could possibly be productive was obviously an old person who was so senile he'd forgotten what it was like to be a high school.
The Steelers, I am proud to announce, won their game today! Sure, it was only against Cleveland, but a win's a win, and it was a come-from-behind win, too. Ben played the second half almost like he hadn't driven that motorcycle into a truck.
* * * * *
Anyway, I guess I'm not sure where I want to go in my life. I'm kind of just feeling out my options right now, in a good way, I think. I realized a lot this week. I realized that some things are more important to me than I was previously willing to admit. I realized where my priorities lie. I realized that there are some things I know I want to keep around in my life.
I wish could still feel that first "I love you"…. "forever, for all of eternity… our souls are intertwined"… is it still true? If I could ask you now, would you still mean it? 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is a load of bullshit. I learned that this year in psychology, and I learned it again this week. It's been a long time since we've spoken. Pilot Mountain. Yeah, that was the last fucking time I heard your live voice. I just couldn't stop the tears that day. What got me the most was hearing that your fleece pullover had been lost in the fire… and you had wanted to give it to me. God, I could be so stupid back then. I feel like my literal heart went up in flames when I learned the fate of "The World of Courtney." I knew long before you ever said it, but when you told me, it started a fresh wave of tears. Intuition guided me, I guess. I don't give myself enough credit sometimes, I believe, because I don't want to believe what I already know.
Is it good that I still miss you? In some ways, I am furious with you. I have such an intense anger inside of me that it's nearly turned to hatred. Yet I think my emotions are only so strong because of just how much I believed in you. I believed in you, and you were my entire world. I'd have done anything for you. Did you let me down? Or did it all fall apart? Or was it all simply fate and beyond either of our controls? I don't know that the answer matters, but trying to find some type of closure tears me apart every time such thoughts surface.
I don't want what we once had. That's over for me. It has to be over for me. It was beautiful to me, and I love you. I still love you. And I think I want to see you again. But not like you may wish for. Too much has transpired. I will never stopping caring for all that you are, but I'm never going back to what we once had. You can't change my mind anymore. At one time, you probably could have, but not lately. Not since I watched a classic movie or spent a freezing evening wondering what made a building glow red. That is what we lacked, that fundamental, indescribably element of compatibility that so many people would kill for. I felt at home with you, but maybe not really at home.
I'm not slighting what we shared. I'm simply saying that I'm going to leave it in the past.
You know, it's ironic to me now how much you dreamed of space… the moon, stars, planets, other galaxies… space shuttles could captivate your attention for weeks. Yet it was a dream you could never achieve. Always elusive for you. I dreamed, too. Yet it was real for me, and I think that scared you. Maybe my ways have changed now, but the funny thing is that I know someone it could be real for. And I care about him a lot. I felt like giving up on my dream because it was so connected to everything we'd shared. But it's real for me again. It's not instilled in my brain and heart the same way it once was. I think the fire and the passion are pretty dim. But it's lingering, and that's what matters.
I think I want to major in philosophy… and possibly religion. They fascinate me.
But I'd love to be a lawyer.
"Sweet dreams and flyin' machines in pieces on the ground
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain."
James Taylor is fabulous.
"Is man no more than this?"
--from King Lear by William Shakespeare
We've been studying the play in English. It's actually pretty good. Keeping in mind that I really don't enjoy school reading assignments, this is high praise. That line is spoken by Lear amidst his insanity, yet this particular line is of profound depth and clarity.
Anyway, this week has been semi-rough. Jazz band Monday through Wednesday. The concert last night. College crap. The fact that I had a test in every class period 1-4 on Monday morning. My parents. Ms. Allen still hasn't graded the test our class took two weeks ago. That awful presentation I gave on aggression. Someone I thought was my friend but now I'm not so sure what I want anymore. The fact that I'm now so drained I'm only writing fragments.
There were good moments, too... Wendy's. Standing in the middle of the street. Ashley came home (a complete sentence, just for you).
Alright, so I was just looking at a few people's myspace profiles, and I was reminded of something that bugs the hell out of me…
But first, another something that bugs me to no end… when people in math class use the words minus and times like they are verbs…. Here's an example: "You have to times it by two." Actually, no, you stand to be corrected… you have to multiply it by two. That's just one of those little things that drive me nuts. But we did learn the fundamental theorem of the calculus in class today, so that was pretty exciting (this is sarcastic).
Anyway, back to the previous paragraph. People tell other people "never change." I've heard it a lot. Is that your idea of some kind of term of endearment? I mean I can kind of understand that you're telling someone you like who they are right then, but how dare you ask him or her not to change? Only with change can you have evolution, growth and progress. And you really want to stop someone from all of that? I want to believe you're just confused… it's a social script for you (psychology term), and you think it's something nice to say. I find it downright insulting. Now I recognize that other people don't see it this way, so I try not to be offended when I hear it. But it bothers me. A lot. It's like asking someone to be stagnant. Why not just put them into deep freeze for a while and take them out again later so they're exactly who you remember them to be. A part of what makes life so beautiful is that we can change. We can change. Sure, some things are hard to change – I'm not trying to deny that. But people change, and they should change. It's a part of our deepest characteristics as humans.
Here's a song to demonstrate what I mean. Big thanks to Kenny Chesney…
"Here's to the strong, thanks to the brave
Don't give up hope, some people change
Against all odds, against the grain
Love finds a way, some people change"
In the context of the song, it's not exactly what I'm trying to get across, but it's a good song.
If we didn't change, we would be very, very boring. You should embrace the mystery that each day brings new life to all of us. Respect others enough to remember not to tell them not to change (I don't care that that's a double negative).
Alright, enough of that…
I miss my friend. Or someone who I thought was my friend. I don't know if I really miss him, but I miss the idea of him, or at least the way he used to treat me. It hasn't always been this way between us. Maybe we're just changing and growing apart, but that makes me sad. He's been a jerk to me lately, and I really don't know what to think of him. But that's life I suppose. I just wish he would realize that he really does hurt me, and I wish he would treat me a little better from time to time.
But we can't all get what we wish for.
Holy shit. Yesterday was December 14, and I didn't even realize it until just now. I don't even know what to think. Yesterday, I had a very nice end (or a few hours before the end) to what would have otherwise been not such a good day. I thank Matt for that. He's great.
I can't believe I forgot the date. I don't know what I should think of myself or my mind for that. I suppose that it's good in some ways that I didn't remember. Enough of that...
Here's to a Steeler victory this weekend!!!!
I just found this little news article while looking up reasons why Shakespeare is being banned in some schools. I expected some reasons to be the fact that his plays involve a lot of things that my old Shakespeare prof would refer to as the "naughty bits" or the fact that his plays are very political at times. The following are the reasons why some plays were banned in Johannesburg:
(My repsonse to the reasons will be in the pink colour)
Hamlet Not optimistic or uplifting. Characters not appealing to modern pupils as royalty is no longer fashionable (Okay, there is a reason why it's called a tragedy. And about the comment on it not being uplifting? Well, have they actually ever READ the play? It's freakin' hilarious. You just have to look carefully. For example:
KING CLAUDIUS:Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?
HAMLET: At supper.
KING CLAUDIUS:At supper! where?
HAMLET:Not where he eats, but where he is eaten: a certain
convocation of politic worms are e'en at him. Your
worm is your only emperor for diet: we fat all
creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for
maggots: your fat king and your lean beggar is but
variable service, two dishes, but to one table:
that's the end.
KING CLAUDIUS:Alas, alas!
HAMLET:A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a
king, and cat of the fish that hath fed of that worm.
KING CLAUDIUS:What dost you mean by this?
HAMLET:Nothing but to show you how a king may go a
progress through the guts of a beggar.
KING CLAUDIUS:Where is Polonius?
HAMLET:In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger
find him not there, seek him i' the other place
yourself. But indeed, if you find him not within
this month, you shall nose him as you go up the
stairs into the lobby.
KING CLAUDIUS;Go seek him there.[To some Attendants]
HAMLET:He will stay till ye come.
[Exeunt Attendants]
(IV.iii. 16-40)
And of course we can all remember the hilarious attributes of Act 2, scene 2, in which Hamlet mocks Polonius and the latter has no clue what is happening. After all, Hamlet calls him a "fishmonger" (II.ii.174) and he doesn't get it!
I just don't understand the way some people think.)
King Lear Not exciting. Full of violence and despair. Ridiculous and unlikely plot. (Okay, so I hated this play, but it is still worth a read. I can't believe that it was labelled as "not exciting". When you have a character named "Edmund the Bastard", I expect a fun play. Plus there is always the necessary disguise trick used. It's interesting. It's worth the opportunity to study it. And of course it's about violence and despair. IT'S A TRAGEDY! Plus, there is a WAR going on. Also, this play has a really interesting torture scene in which Gloucester gets his beard plucked and his eyes ripped out. You can read more in depth about this in Act 3, scene 7.)
Julius Caesar Sexist because it elevates men (Wow. A play that takes place during the Roman Empire elevating men? It's a part of the history of the world. Get over it.)
Antony and Cleopatra Racist and undemocratic (Now this just makes me giggle. Okay, so they call her a gypsy (I.i.10), but still. This isn't a hugely racsist play. For the most part, they just call Cleopatra a whore. It's funny. Oh, and about the fact that it's undemocratic, she was the Queen. She made the decisions. As for triumvirs, in all honesty they really weren't worth their weight in gold. None of them did anything. They weren't all powerful. Mark Antony gave in because of a woman. How sad is that. It's no reason to ban the play though.)
Othello Racist and sexist. A bleak and pessimistic tone (And back to the fact that it's a tragedy. It's depressing for a reason. And racist because of the fact that it was wrong for a black man and a white woman to be together at the time that it was written. It's all in the context people. It's called using your brain.
Here is the link that I found this information at: http://books.guardian.co.uk/news/articles/0,6109,474398,00.html
People make me so mad sometimes. I just wish that people could understand Shakespeare. It isn't that it's bad or boring. It's just that people that don't take the time to look at it carefully and find the joy in it. You can look at all the comedies in the world to find that joy, but when you find it in the bleakest moment of a play, it's even more special. When you need that laugh to break the tension, you know that you are watching/reading something real. And it's so cool to be a part of that experience. Moreso than just reading the frilly plays that leave everyone all happy at the end. And I'm not saying that anything is wrong with people liking the comedies. I love comedies. But I love my Hamlet. And no one can mess with that. The real magic of Shakespeare is being able to find that passage in The First Part of King Henry the Fourth that makes you laugh. It's in Falstaff's crude behaviour that you find the funniest lines of the most boring of plays. That's the important thing to look for. Look for the good.
And now to finish up, my Shakespeare prof would kill me if I didn't do this. Here is my "Works Cited":
Bevington, David. The Complete Works of Shakespeare (fifth edition). Pearson Longman. New York, NY: 2004
(I think that I did the right. I didn't have my other text in front of me to tell me if I fudged it up or not. I probably did. I don't think I ever did one correctly for the good Dr.)
