Karen @ MindSay

I have another blog on the InterTubes and I posted this last year.  And I thought I'd post it here, too.  Because I hope to meet him before I die.  And there are aunts and uncles and cousins who want to meet him, too.

If you were adopted and born on 8/17/73, in Hinsdale, Illinois, you can get your original birth certificate from the state.  And if, on that birth certificate, you see these names, Trojanowski or Trzos, then you can email me at <thebratland@yahoo.com>.  I hope you find this site.  I hope you email me.  I'll be watching.

[The Boy, by the way, is a guy I met and lived with from 1998 to 2007.]

~August 17, 1973~

I am a mother. 

OK... I'm a mother times TWO.

And maybe today is the day to talk about my first child.  Because I have never hidden the fact that I had a child that I gave up for adoption.

When I first started talking to The Boy via Instant Messages, I told him about the fact that I had given a child [a boy] up for adoption when I was just a [wee] lassie.

Because when you've 'done that' you learn that some people think you are some kind of freak.  I kid you not.

And before I became really good friends with The Boy I wanted to know right away if he thought I was some kind of freak.

He didn't.

So, we became friends.

You see, I never kept it a secret because I always wanted the child I gave birth to to be able to find me.  And I foresaw the danger of keeping his existence a secret.

How would I have explained it to people otherwise?

That's not how I am.

If you want me, you take my baggage, too.

And I've been extremely blessed in that regard.  I truly have not had one man walk out on me because of it.  Either they are wonderful men, or [I'm rather more inclined to believe] I am an extraordinary woman.

Oh, yes I am.

But I digress.

Almost six years after giving birth to a boy, I gave birth to a daughter.  And when she was old enough to really understand things, I let her know that I had given birth to a child with a different man and I had 'given him away' to people who could take care of him and give him things that I could not.

I must have done a superb job because my daughter never felt in danger of being 'given away' or abandoned, or any of that other shit that people tell you will happen to your kids.

My daughter is, at this writing, 28 years old.  And if the boy I gave birth to knocked on my door tomorrow, no one in my life would say, "OH MY GOD YOU NEVER TOLD ME."

And The Boy would let him in and treat him like his own, or at least one of my family, and he would never raise an eyebrow.

And he would be happy for me.

Not that I lose sleep over this, folks.  I don't.

While that baby was growing in my belly I kept telling myself that I was growing him for someone else because I KNEW that there was no way that I could give that child a decent life AT THE TIME.

And I knew, thanks to someone close to me [who shall remain nameless, although she knows who she is] that an adopted child is as loved as a child who is flesh and blood to the people adopting.

No, it wasn't an 'open adoption' although I knew the names of the people who adopted my child.  [Notice I do not say 'my son'?  I'll get back to that.]

When I got pregnant, I was a junior in high school.  And BACK THEN, pregnant girls were not allowed to stay in school.  So I didn't graduate high school.

Years later, when my daughter was a sophomore in high school, she was talking about dropping out of school, and I told her she couldn't.

And she said to me, "YOU DID!"

And although there were extenuating circumstances for me dropping out of school, I realized I had no excuse anymore.

So I got my G.E.D.

Then I got this crazy idea that maybe, just maybe, I COULD GO TO COLLEGE!

And I did.

Now, I'm not gonna get into college life except to say this:  It got me onto the Interwebs.  And I thought maybe, just maybe, I could put my info OUT THERE and make it easier for the child I had put up for adoption to find me.

And I've done that.

The bad part is that the really popular sites for adoptees looking for their birth parents are sites that make you pay a [hefty] yearly fee to keep your info on the site, and I've never been wealthy enough to be able to do that.

But I have found plenty of other sites and have 'registered' with them. 

I just want to give him a chance if he is trying to find me.

Because there are, I'm sure, reasons to find me.  Like the health history of his birth family.

But I don't call him My Son for a couple of reasons.

And some of those reasons are:

A mother is someone who changes your shitty diapers.

A mother is someone who sits up with you when you are sick and changes the sheets you puked on in the middle of the night.

A mother goes through the chicken pox with you.

A mother teaches you to tie your shoes.

A mother finds ways to teach you how to eat and like vegetables, even peas.

A mother cries when she sends you off to kindergarten.

A mother teaches you how to say "Daddy" when she would much rather you said "Mommy".

A mother delights in watching you roll over for the first time.

A mother lets you touch bugs.

A mother lets you taste dirt.

A mother gives you pots to bang on with spoons and thinks you make beautiful music.

A mother teaches you not to pull on the kitty's tail or bite the puppy's ears.

A mother holds you when you are hurt and kisses your boo-boos.

A mother looks at a crayon drawing and declares it is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen as she puts it on the refrigerator.

A mother exclaims that you are growing "like a weed".

A mother thinks dandelions are the most beautiful flowers EVER.

A mother sees you through graduations and proms and driving lessons and weird haircuts and pierced ears and wet dreams and periods and friends who are being mean to you.

A mother buries pets in the back yard with you and gives you ice cream afterwards.

I was never a Mother to the child I gave away.

I never did any of these things with the child who went away from me after I made sure he had all his fingers and toes and was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

And I may never meet him this side of Heaven, and I'm resigned to that.  I don't get maudlin and get drunk over it.

But I will admit that sometimes, like tonight, I stop and say a prayer for him, wherever he is, and I say to God, "Oh, please, just let him be HAPPY."

Because when it comes down to it, isn't that all we want for our kids?  All we want for those that we love?

I think it is.

And for that Someone who is Somewhere Out There, here's a birthday song for you:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSyRFLlYnWI

Because I Know You're Out There Somewhere.

Happy 34th birthday.  I hope it's a great one for you.
.

So, part of Tuesday involved me going and hanging out with Karen a bit. Karen's been something of a mentor to me all through high school, she's probably known me since my family first started going to this church. I'd thought of her for my spiritual mentor reference for my summer plans, and went to talk to her at her office.

Cool things about Karen - she's had kids, and knows how to talk to them. Her husband is totally awesome. She's been a part of our youth ministry for years. She really does care about people. She's trustworthy.

We were talking about just some general things in my life - what's been happening with my family, what am I doing for school, etc. I'm still coming to grips with this newfound freedom - I can talk about God now. I can't explain why I couldn't before - it was as though I'd placed myself under some kind of weight that kept me pinned. Now it's gone, and I'm often caught between knowing that I can talk freely, and old habits. But with Karen, there's no question of being able to discuss what matters most.

It goes back to that trustworthy thing, and knowing that she really does care. If she didn't, it wouldn't matter what mattered most. But I can talk to her about what I'm trying to do, what I'm struggling with, what's been cool, how much my sisters matter to me, how awesome it is to see my younger sister growing in her faith.

At some point, she asked me the usual question between people in my church, "So, what's God been doing in your life lately?"

At that point, she said a little later, the whole room lit up. I didn't realize it, but I remember being so eager to answer, to tell her everything that he's changed, to describe all of this transformation. This is incredible to me, absolutely wonderful. There was so much I wanted to say, and that was definitely the question I'd been burning to answer (though I hadn't realized it before).

One other thing about Karen - a lot of adults will tell you that you shouldn't do something because the Bible says so, or because God says so. I have to be honest - there are a lot of parts of the Bible that I question, because I think that they applied to the people then, not the people now. I mean, random example: If a child embarassed his parents, he/she was to be stoned. You are not to touch the skin of a pig (there goes American Football). You're not to eat flying insects that swarm (John the Baptist was known for his diet of locusts and honey). Etc, etc. For me, I know I should trust God as a child, but I'm always the child who goes, "But whyyyyy?" Once I have a solid, logical reason for why God would want this, I understand, but until then, I have a hard time following.

Karen doesn't just tell you something because God says so. It's a common issue that I'm dating a nonChristian. In the case of the only friend who discusses marriage with me (and this comes up with every guy I date, so if Knuter finds this and he's freaking, chill), the explanation I've concluded with is that I'd want him asking my dad before he asked me. I look up to my dad as a strong Christian, though he never describes himself that way. And he's, as they say, been around the block a few more times. Whatever my dad says on the matter is what I will abide by - if he believes it's too much of a strain for a marriage between me and a nonChristian, or for whatever reason he doesn't want me to marry him, then I won't. If he thinks there's something good here and wishes us the best, then I will. My desires meet my will, and in this case, my will chooses to submit to someone else's experience.

But that was the answer I had then. The entire issue stems from the notion that the only purpose to dating is to find your future spouse - I'm well-aware that not everyone subscribes to this, and I'm not asking you to right now. We've just decided that this makes more logical sense to us. And it's why we're not supposed to date non-Christians, as far as we knew - because dating is supposed to lead to marriage and you're not supposed to marry someone who doesn't trust God.

But Karen didn't move that far ahead, she addressed the here-and-now, and among the other points she made, this one really grabbed me. We're in two different places, in two different relationships. My relationship with God really doesn't mean anything to him - it can't, because it's not something you can understand from the outside. I'll be completely excited and animated, as I was with Karen, describing this new change, but the most he can do is care because I clearly care. He can be happy for me, but he doesn't really understand what it's about.

There are a lot of points like that, where I'm elated about something with my family, but because he doesn't have a little sister, he doesn't quite get it. But this goes beyond that. This is more important than my family, than him, than my entire life. This is me and God. And he has no idea what that's like, any more than I know what the K-Bros Triathlon is like for him.

She doesn't tell me to break up with him - Karen doesn't often command anything. She might tell you what you should do, but the choice is still yours, and often, the conclusion is something you come to, not something she presents. In this case, she simply advised me to be careful - I'm in a rather dangerous place.

We talked more, about my plans for college, what I wanted to do, how I'd come to this decision. I still made it to work on time, but I was definitely happy for how much we'd discussed together. Karen's very cool like that.

I realized, walking out, and at work, that what I had been afraid of was coming true. I'd lost the fire, at least in part.

One area I have trouble with is rather hypocritical. I had some real issues with one of my exes and his porn habit (I should say, addiction). But I had a similar one - mine was writing erotica. I've only ever shared it once, but it was rather recent, and it threw ashes on the fire that had been burning in that particular area. I guess you could quote that bit about new desires. After that transformation, I didn't want the things I had before. Sharing that had been something in the direction of what I wanted before, and it drew me back to the same direction, same desire.

I have to wonder, if we were both Christians, would we both hold each other to the what mattered, or would we be more likely to make the same mistakes, justifying that since the other was a Christian, they surely wouldn't go down the wrong path on this or that issue.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met Knuter. It sounds wrong, but you have to understand. Before I met him, I had the idea that someone like that was a dream, an impossibility. He's everything I didn't know I wanted. I've never met anyone who completed me nearly so well. Before I met him, I didn't know that this was a possibility. Now I'm afraid that I've found the only person like him, the only one who fits me like this. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't be believing that there was someone out there like this, I'd still think it was just a fantasy.

God tested Abraham. He'd been longing for a son for his entire life, and when he finally had him, God asked for the boy back. Abraham passed the test, willing to give up his son for God. The story ends that God only wanted Abraham to prove himself, and did not demand that he lose the boy.

I can't help seeing the parallel. This is the one area of my life I'm not willing to give up. Everything else is being pruned, growing towards the sun, growing towards God. But there's a section in the garden that's nearly dead, just making a feeble growth because the rest of the garden is thriving so well. And unfortunately, it's something that winds through everything else. I'm afraid to tear it out because I might hurt the rest of the garden, and its lack of growth keeps the rest of the garden from thriving, because it touches everything.

The difference here is that I don't think I'll get him back.

Karen's blog isn't that old, but it looks to be shaping into a good one. She likes to talk about music and food, and she is really talented with a needle and thread. She gives her opinion and keeps it real. That's my kind of blogger! Go and give her some love while she builds her blog-pire. 

Fucking Karen (Preppy neighbor) walked to my window this morning and cralwed in. Usually i don't mind but i was drunk last night. Hangovers aren't very nice.. Anwyas. I was asleep and she staretd to shake me.

"Wake up sleepy head!" that's all she said for ten minutes. I got dress. Black pants, dark gray button down shirt, black sweater. I went to the bathrrom and brushed my hair. After that i sat down at my bed and asked her what she wanted. she said that i had promised to take her to the skate park so she could mjeet Scott to kick her ass. It's a long story but i have time.Scott and i have been friends since 6th grade. In 7th we got in a fight and beat each other up badly. Karen was my 'friend' and decided she would kill Scott. Well after me and Scott made up i told Karen. I thought she would be happy but no. So now she still wants to kill Scott. And Karen never see's Scott because Scott doesn't have any classes with us. She's in higher classes. So anyways, back to my first story, so we go to the skate park and Karen is wearing the slutiest thing so every guy is all over her. Scott happenes not to be there but her boyfreind, Billy, decides to flirt. For around three hours were not doing anything. Scott comes and finds Karen and her boyfriend on a bench making out. Scott is like a macho girl. She's kick a little kid's ass just so she can get happy. so Karen see's Scott and Scott just grabs her by the arm and throws her to the ground. I grab Karen and run off with her back to my house. So far Karen just got  bloody nose. Scott is pretty mad. I don't want to be around Karne right now. She's really mad fro not, 'letting me kick that fag's skinny ass!' yeah.