Just Breathe @ MindSay

I can hardly breathe without you

Bottle me up till I explode
pissing all over my comode
the indecipherable urge will goad
me on to peel off the flattened toad
from the burning asphalt of the road
which will crack from the weight of the load
and I don't care if you ask me to leave
'cause I'm not really here if I don't breathe

kill the pain and shatter the glass
future erase, eradicate the past
blow out your brains, participate in class
till an icy rush and a cold blast
fills the room with faces aghast
as there stomachs turn into noxious gas
they say it's pointless, all these nightmares that I weave
'cause I'll live on and continue to breathe

see the man with the glass eyes
he walks around the graveyard and cries
and touches a tombstone where a body lies
with sticky fingers as the buzzing flies
fill his mind with dreams of half-truths and lies
were you once a person after you die?
and they tell the zygote after they've conceived
you're not really here if you don't breathe

all is vanity we say
as death brings the cholera today
at the funeral of the human play
the rainbow bridge burns into grey
and we delicately dispose of the remains
and we long for something lasting to stay
and I'm clinging for dear life to what I believe
'cause I don't have much time just to sit here and breathe

So apparently I got drunk last night, in case you didn't get the memo.
I have so much to write about,
it's not going in here though.

I work at 6. I really don't want to. I think it'll be fine once I get there.
This morning when I woke up, I fell right back down.

Things I remember about last night:
-- Throwing up in the bath tub.
-- Beerbongs. Beerbongs. Beerbongs.
-- Smoking in the house.
-- Putting on underwear before I got drunk.
-- Calling Xtian at 4AM and waking him up.
-- Calling Amy Mac right before that (I do not remember what was said).
-- Ring stuck on Tyesa's finger. Shampoo surgery ("Breathe in... breathe out, 1, 2, 3! I got it!")
-- Laying angrily on the plastic bench, flicking cigarettes.
-- Talking to a kid from Slickville (he knew the Puzaks'. Who doesn't?)
-- Itching my nose and losing my nose stud.

I'm done typing now I think.

remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe remember to breathe

 

i will be ok, things will be ok. its not too late, i just need to study more, do more work. need to remember to take my quizes and do things in advance. Need to go to office hours cuz you know it helps. Need to remember that things are different now. You're a different person and you've made it this far on your own. You're free. You're free from him even though you have ptsd, you're free because it wasn't your choice, it was never your choice, and you're free because you don't dwell on it like you used to. You're free because even tho J got a gf in July, you still haven't cut/scratched since then, you still haven't cut/scratched since that time u guys had sex on ur period in June n he wasn't single again until about three or four weeks ago. You will be ok. You just need to focus now. Its still September. You don't have internet yet so you don't have the distraction. Get good grades, get into grad school, live your life and be happy. Even if you're single forever, you still have cats. Cats are nice.

 

ok. i think i can make it through my day now. the only hard part is going to be putting all of that into practice...

  I had a very rough day Thursday. I'm not going to go into it all online. I just wanted everyone to understand why I'm posting this. This is exactly how I felt after having a conversation I never expected to have. I thought of all the people I knew family would be the ones I was safe with. In the end they were the ones to hurt me the most.

   This song is for Jennifer. All she will ever see when she looks at me is the Noelle that lives in the mirror.

 

 

Breathe No More

by

Evanescence

 

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.