Junior Year @ MindSay

My Goals

1. Pass Class

2. Run Fast

 

Seriously. That's it. I want to really concentrate on school and go somewhere with running. I don't have to worry about boy drama, that will be huge I'm sure. I have the only man in my life that I need and there's no one else who has any sort of effect over me anymore. Friend are still important, but frankly, I don't have a lot of super close ones anymore. Besides Ronnie and Chelsea, they're the best. I know they'll stick around through just about anything. Chelsea has no classes with me though, which is really a bummer. But between those two and Kris, I'll be fine. I want to do a great job in everything I set out to do. Quality, not quantity this year. This summer was completely amazing and I wish it never had to end, but I made the best of it and the upcoming year is really important to my future, so I'll try my best. Wish me luck!

Ok, my statistics paper is finished and submitted. 6 hours before it's due! And I actually think it turned out really well. I had a rough low point yesterday, but now that I have only one paper left between me and summer my life seems a bit more manageable.

However, it's definitely not over yet. I still have a 20-page paper to write for my Work and Culture seminar that's due 4pm Thursday... and it's 60% of my grade. That's a big chunk... Jeez. I have a topic, but I haven't done any research or formulated a thesis.

Just two more days, though. Then I'm DONE. And I'll be a college senior... Woah. I'm not really ready to think about that yet. Not just yet.

It seems like all things are under control now. Most of my work is done and I only have one final to worry about now. No more homework. Free class periods. The end of the school year is finally in view and I can just feel it now. :) Ohhhh, I am so happy and relieved to have all of this off my chest!

Yesterday I was up all night finishing my junior project, which I presented today. I got about five hours of sleep, and because of that, I should be asleep by now, but I'm on the computer instead. :) I'm just so happy that my junior project is done and finished. It was such a huge burden. Everything else seems so little now in comparison... I just need to study for the one last final I have next week and finish up some photography prints.



My weekend was busy, but Hell or High Water was a blast.
I really need to marry this guy.

i haven't really blogged much lately. My life is boring. I've settled into a junior year routine that i absolutely hate. I really miss steph and carolyne. I can't wait for acquire the fire next weekend, but sadly...i'm not looking foward to the actual acquire the fire part of it at all. I just want to see steph. Don't ask me why i'm not looking foward to it, ATF is usually my favorite part of the year. To be honest, i haven't looked foward to anything lately. I'm kind of just a dead robot like thing. The things i once enjoyed, like speech contests, jazzband, show choir, mock trial, basketball games, JAO, even hanging out with my friends...none of them seem entertaining anymore. The only person i feel like i can relate to anymore is katie, and she's really really busy so we dont hang out much. Mock trial has become the same thing for the past 6 years. I've just stopped trying. I don't know why i dont like basketball games this year, our team is amazing. Number 2 in the state even. So why have i not hopped on the carroll high spirit train like i have in every year past? For some reason i've decided i dont like being around people. People make things complicated. They make you have to think and be involved, where if i'm home i can just sit in my little own world and dont have to think or make the effort to communicate with people. It's not really being lazy, i just dont feel like i want to take the effort to go somewhere and pretend to have fun, put on a fake smile and entertain the people who call themselves my friends when really i'm just bored out of my freaking mind. Maybe I will become a hermit. That's right, i'm an antisocial freak and i dont even care. My friends are all really irritating me, i'm not naming names because that was bad the last time i did that. Except sam, i will name sam. I can't stand him right now.

Unfortunately, i'm missing the same person i'm always missing. You know who it is, i dont need to say it. They are the reason i smile during the day. Literally, usually like the only time i smile throughout a day. It's coming up on a year, exactly one year ago at ATF was when i met this person last year. And i can't even think how much has changed since then.

 

I want the summer back. I want the summer natalie back, the one who was happy all the time, and figured out exactly who she was and what she wanted to be. Somewhere between swim team and speech season i lost all of that.

 

You know what's ironic? About the only thing i look foward to is the boys swim meets. And i dont even know them all that well. Maybe that's it, they intrigue me. They are new people, people i haven't spent every weekend with the past 3 years. I think i'm just sick of doing the same thing over and over every single week. I need something new and exciting. Because right now, i'm so bored it makes me want to cry.

 

Plus 44: No It Isn't Lyrics:

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you
This is where the road
crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
and now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces will choose to ignore

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation, leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

I listen to you cry
I cry for less attention
but both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk
but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
from trying not to speak
so search for an excuse
And someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms
I'm empty with the need to

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation, leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation, is leaving me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you

 

 

it just shows you how quickly anything can happen. boys i see everyday at school in the halls, next to my locker between classes...who have been in my grade since i moved here...just gone. it's too crazy to even try and think about. I was sad when joe died, but i hadn't seen him in a few years. Billy and Brad i see every single day. They have the locker next to eric's. I used to talk to billy all the time. I don't know why things like this happen, but i guess there is a reason. I just hope matt is ok. R.I.P. boys...class of 2007 will always remember you.

 

"Sonny"

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
A crowd of people around you
Telling you it's okay
And everything happens for a reason

When you lose a part of your self
To somebody you know
It takes a lot to let go
Every breath that you remember
Pictures fade away but memory is forever

An empty chair at all the tables
And I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down
But it's better where you're going anyway

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
It's really hard to get through
Tough times and long days
But it really just depends on the season

For now we'll say goodbye
We know it's not the last time
I've lost the best part of my day
But it's better where you're going anyway

This is the last thing
I will remember
It's better where you're going anyway