Jimmy @ MindSay 
awesome sex
Ich bin gespannt, ob ich es schaffe ein paar davon zu ergattern, denn ich denke mal, dass viele andere auch da seinen werden und meine Chancen damit ein wenig schlechter stehen. Aber was solls es ist ein Samstag und ich werde es einfach versuchen.
http://break.com/index/angry-jimmy-dean-sausage-customer.html
i talked to jimmy again- raver jimmy, the jimmy that used to be my fuck buddy that is. i was gonna post the conversation on here but of course before i could aim shut down randomly by itself and i lost the conversation. go fucking figure; every little thing seems to have been going wrong recently. the convo wasn't bad- we didn't talk about "us" or n e of that unpleasantness at all. the closest we got to that was me saying that things falling apart had stretched from the bay into humboldt as opposed to last summer n i said i was more dreading going back than looking forward to it.
we almost did talk of all those things, tho.
at first i said hi n he didn't respond which was no surprise. i figured worse case scenario he'd block me n i could live with that. about 10 minutes later he said hi, then said it was the wrong window. i responded that i was surprised he'd left that one (meaning the one i said hi to him in) open. i thought about it for a bit n then i asked him if he knew n e one that could fix computers n i waited. i don't remember how long it took him to respond, 5 to 10 minutes, but if he hadn't when he did, he would have seen the response that i'd been working on typing out which basically stated that it was sad that he was so god damned pussy-whipped by someone he wasn't even dating n e more that he couldn't even do a favor for me n then it went on a bit after that...but when he responded i got rid of it n the convo just went from there.
we talked about how my computer is broken n i can't afford to fix it, (it was on my bed n i opened the disk drive. then i leaned over to get the sims off my floor n my laptop slipped off my bed, fell to the floor n the disk drive broke off completely), then we talked about my cats, (puma is staying here this week n then i'm going back up to humboldt this saturday w/ him; needless to say leela is pissed n i talked about that n how wonderful puma is) n then i kinda talked about the mixed feelings i'm having regarding going back. i realized as i was talking to him that all the reasons i had for staying here have fallen apart, (sleeping w/ jimmy, raving, having a job n making $), so even tho some things had fallen apart up at school i still had slightly more going for me there. i appologized after saying this because after thinking about it i knew that i hadn't really wanted to tell him that n i know he doesn't care n i told him that i was just thinking outloud n that i've been doing so a lot lately, which is true. i also realized that this was the second summer in a row that i was going back the last weekend in july n inside my heart was breaking with this fact because deep in my soul there's still the faint hope that if i was here just a little longer that all those things could come thro for me, even tho i really know better than that. i didn't have the chance to get that last bit out, tho, cuz he said he had to go n i just said later n that it was nice talking to him again.
at first i was a little hurt that he didn't say n e thing back to that or say n e thing about my *cough cough wink wink* comments, but then i also hadn't expected n e thing n i got over it quickly. i'm really surprised that he not only talked to me at all, but that he talked to me as long and as casually as he did. he even managed to cheer me up a little bit, the damn bastard...haha. i guess now i feel content w/ this conversation because its the closest thing to closure i'm going to get n i know it now. he knows i'm leaving saturday so if he wants to make n e moves he has a timeline, but i don't honestly think n e thing is going to happen. only one of two things will now: he'll either fuck me one last time, or he won't. simple as that, n i know that he won't. n if hell froze over n pigs began to fly on their own and he did ask me, i don't know if i'd say yes. but then again i know that if not tonight then sometime this week i'm going to start having those dreams again where we fuck and its good and he's mine n things are good again between us n there's no complications because of gabby or n e thing else n no drama n no heartache of n e kind between us, and i sure as hell know that i'm sure as hell going to start wanting all of that all over again the moment i see his bare skin n cum with him between my legs in that fake little world even tho he's a bastard in reality n all the voices in my head keep chanting the words, "i told you so, they all told you so."
"but its just the price i pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes cuz i'm Mr. Brightside."
You know...
I don't know..
I don't know if Jimmy likes me like that. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know if it's just a line..but if it is, then why would he tell Josie, why would he keep calling, ect., ect., ect., there's so much I could (and am) think about, but why? Where is it going to get me? I mean..I am thinking about it, I think about it a lot, but why? It's not going to change how he feels. It's not going to change the future or what's going to happen..so..yeah..He said that he's too scared that he's going to mess it up right now..that he doesn't believe in himself enough right now..But he was the one that told me not to be afraid..if it's what your heart wants, do it..there's so many questions unanswered......
I don't know what's going on. To tell you the truth, I don't even know if I like him like that..
Ok, that's an eggageration. I DO like him like that..but I'm okay without him for now.
I've decided not to push him. Maybe he's telling the truth-maybe he does really like me and he really doesn't want to be with me now...and yes, maybe he's lying..but either way..I'm just going to live with it. I'm going to just have a crush on him. I think that I will be ok seeing him with other girls. I'll do my best to try to put our past behind me and just pretend he doesn't know I like him..And either I'll get over him, or we'll start dating...Part of my problem is that sometimes I'm too open...(actually, a lot of the time I'm not open enough) I'm not scared to tell boys when I like them. Sometimes I need to just chill out and let things take care of themselves..For now, maybe it would just be best for Jimmy and I to be friends, because now there's going to be that awkward tension if one of us gets a significant other or if the other is hanging out with a member of the opposite sex..FOR NOW I just want to be best friends (with secret crushes)....like Joey and I were...but all of that is ruined...if he gets a girlfriend, I'm going to be history..at least for a while..and I don't like that.
Ryan came here tonight because UNI played ISU and I had a really good time..I won't lie..I had a blast..We were sitting in Nickie and Kellie's room watching OTH and I was just sitting there thinking..wow, I really can see Ryan and I doing this forever...But I'm just not sure enough of myself to be with him right now. He knows I love him, and I know he loves me, and right now, that's all that matters. I don't need to be with him right now..I don't think it's killing him..Everything (so far) is good...
This "just dating" thing is working really good. I'm getting the best of both worlds...And I don't know..maybe "I like you but I don't want to be with you right now" won't last long. I don't know when he'll want to be with me-I'm not waiting..But maybe that "right now" will be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Who knows, it might be next year, or the year after that. Maybe there never will be a "right now" for Jimmy and me...I don't know..
There's so much that I don't know about the future. I just printed off applications to both DMACC and Hawkeye---for nursing. I'm 98% SURE that's what I want to do. I just don't know what else there is for me. I won't lie, I'm scared. I don't know where I'm going in this world. I don't know who's got my back. I don't know where I'm going to be next year, or next semester, or even tomorrow...I'm not used to this. I hate change, and I'm trying hard to cope.
I just..can't let this Jimmy thing get me down..Maybe the whole point of me meeting him was to let me know that there ARE more fish in the sea..Maybe he's someone I'm supposed to be in a relationship with..I don't know right now..And if he wants to go out and have a good time and not be "tied down" (my words, not his) then that's his own business. This IS college, and a lot of people think that way. And really, nothing is changing. We're still Jimmy and Chelsea, we can still hang out..It's going to be what it always was.
I'm going to be in New Orleans allllllll summer..for Camp Adventure..I'm nervous, I'm excited...I'm a little of everything.
Life is crazy right now..I can't wait to see what happens..Even a glimpse to next week will be something new, exciting, and probably unexpected...:)
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