Jealousy @ MindSay

this is stupid. i'm stupid. i have this amazing fantastic perfect boyfriend who i will marry in a few years, and all i can do is be the selfish bitch girlfriend who doesn't want him to spend time with anyone else besides me.
he's just going to go watch a movie with his best friend and won't be back til like 12:30. and i'm working anyway, it's not like we could go out instead or even go with his best friend because i'm stuck watching this old lady. but it's not really the fact that he's going to go watch a chick flick with another girl that bugs me. it's the fact that as long as we've been dating he's had this super strict curfew. seriously, getting to hang out with him until 11 is a miracle. his mom has these ridiculous rules even though he's 18 and graduated and i can't do a damn thing about it. and we're almost out of time, you know? the fairy tale is about to come to a screeching halt in about 5 days. school starts and then nothing will be the same. he'll be too busy for me or i'll be the same and we won't have this kind of time anymore. the entire summer my mom has been telling me to go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts but i won't be able to anymore. i've felt this whole time like his mom doesn't trust me or support us being together and i feel like tonight just confirmed it. if kris wanted to take me to a movie at 10 at night there's no way his mom would ever be ok with it but he's allowed, no, encouraged to stay out with her until 12:30 or later? how am i supposed to feel? i'm not even worried about who it's with, not at all really. i know they're just friends, but it hurts that they can spend this kind of time with eachother and i can't. it's like he never even wants to. anytime we go somewhere he's always in this huge rush to get me home even when my mom says we can stay out late. and his mom wants to know where he is 24/7. and we can't stay out late once school starts so it's something he can do with someone else but not me.
and i know i'm being stupid and selfish and unfair but that doesn't help this feeling go away. i thought i was done being jealous but i think it's just that i'm scared of running out of time. i love him so much and i'm tired of opportunities being taken away from us.
i wish i could be better for him.

i am the luckiest girl in the world. no joke. he's so perfect. but that's what scares me.

i honestly have no idea why he would choose me, out of all people. i really don't get it. he's gorgeous, funny, sweet, fun to be around. and eighteen.

that's probably the hardest thing for me to get over. why he would be with a young looking sixteen year-old, when he could be dating someone his age or even older, is so beyond me.

i hate being reminded that i can't be what he deserves. he should be dating someone he can marry and start a family with, because i know that's what he wants more than anything in the world. but i can't be that for him. i legally can't become his wife for 2 years, and i have no idea when i will be ready to start a family. if he really wants to wait for his honeymoon to lose his virginity, which i know he does, and if he really wants to wait for me, which i hope and pray for with all my heart that he will, then he'll likely be 21 before that is even a possibility. he shouldn't have to wait for me, and being reminded of that seems like a shortcoming in my ability to make him happy.

 

i hear it all the time, from him, my friends, my family. but i don't see myself in the way that everyone else does. i think i am pretty. i like my face, i am glad i don't have to put on a lot of makeup every day to be happy with how i look. my body is ok, lean and thin, but it's not so that guys actually look. i have little to no curves and the body of a distance runner. i think i'm average, definitely not ugly, but i don't turn heads. i've spent too much of my lifetime living in obscurity to think otherwise. i'm ok with that... it just doesn't help my case.

 

and i'm soooo jealous of his ex, taylor. like ridiculously jealous. just hearing him bring her up will cause my mood to nosedive. but i can't help asking about her. like it's not always on purpose, i'll ask him a question about relationships, like have you ever given a ring to a girl, and of course it's her. it's always her. but it just makes me wilt a little bit inside, you know? like he loved her. she saved him from making a huge mistake. she was there for him in ways i never got to be. she and him dated for 8 months... that's so long to me. i'm scared to death of her deciding losing him was a mistake and him wanting her back. i know how unlikely that is, but i still just feel inadequate when he talks about her. i wonder if he talks about me the same way, about how often he thinks of her and contacts her. i wonder who he'd actually choose, you know? if she hadn't made the mistakes she did and it was just her compared to me. she's like that loose tooth, you can't help but wiggle it. i can't help but ask about their relationship even though it kills me. because he still cares about her, you can never forget something like that, and she was his first love. stuff like that doesn't go away.

 

You know when you run into a random person, and sooner than later, you soon find yourself growing up with them? What about those moments, where you've had to sit there with your mouth taped shut and listen to them talk about all the things that they have, that you never got to have?

How about... Those people, who rub things in your face, but don't realize it? Do you speak up about it, or drag your eyes away and remain silent?

Vickilyn Elizabeth says:
yeah omg, bert just asked me out
Emily says:
...You told me yesterday.
Vickilyn Elizabeth says:
no he did just now
Emily says:
But I thought.
Nevermind.
So are you going to dump Nick now?
I mean, after your ex, Matt - you just started dating your friend Nick about a week later.
Give or take.
Vickilyn Elizabeth says:
idk
Emily says:
To be honest, Vicki, I think you should have given yourself a bit more time...
Vickilyn Elizabeth says:
yeah i know but i starting to love bert
Emily says:
Well that's a problem then, isn't it?
Looks like you've got a decision to make.

She doesn't listen to me. Dear God, she pisses me off sometimes. She changes her partners like she changes her clothes. She's one of those social butterflies who consistantly wants more friends, and even when I'm having a conversation with somebody and getting to know somebody (which is REALLY difficult for me to do, words cannot describe) - she skips along, as happy as a child who was given an endless supply of candy, and introduces herself and interrupts the conversation that this stranger and I were holding. That's when I retreat and walk away. There attention has been stolen from me, and has been attracted to a more worthwhile and interesting person. Peachy.

People are too lazy to look beyond the surface of people and try to look deeper. They really don't know what they're missing, half the time. Guess a challenge arrives with meeting me and befriending me, which many don't want to face.

I'm one of those quiet people, but, typically, in these sorts of situations - I start pointing out the things and features that the other person has (in this case, Vicki) that seem to attract people that I don't have. Breasts, for example. Yes, I have them - but I'm a size A, when she's already a C cup. I'm so flat, it's completley embarassing. She's social and very talkative. I'm the complete opposite.
I start pointing out the things I can't improve. She really don't know how good she has it. Compared to me, she worries about really pathetic things that I just shake my head in pity at and laugh at them. They are light-weighted worries. Things that aren't even worrying over, compared to what I've cried endlessly over and fretted about.

Now, bear in mind, this is coming from the point of view from somebody who's never had a boyfriend - and I'm referring and talking about/to a person I've grown up with, and had to watch her get together with every boy that she's been together.
She's already had about five ex's, or something. I've never even had my first kiss yet. And I'm not going to be kissed just for the sheer hell of it to say "Oh yeah, I've been kissed". A first kiss is a memory that's going to be stuck with me for the rest of my life, and I'm not going to just do it just to say I did. I'm not like Vicki. Hell no. I'm nothing like her.

She's not worth my time. I'm not going to waste my time talking to her, because she won't like what I have to say.
But, you know, like they say... Whatever gets you by, right?

Whatever.

I`m not in a good mood today. I can`t really explain why.

But, you know how in my earlier blogs, I was mentioning about how I was wondering about why I never have a best friend who I hang around constantly?

I found out why, by myself - as per usual. It`s because I`m too clingy. I never give somebody space, and I never give them room to breathe. (Well, not literally, but you get what I mean.)
I want to spend all the time I can with this "best friend", but as soon as somebody else steps in and wants to befriend them, I suddenly turn "overprotective" (or you may call it suffocation, whatever) and immensely envious to the point where it seems like I'm somebody totally different. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm "being replaced".

When this "best friend", who once spent all (and I MEAN all) their time with me, "gets a life" and starts hanging around new people (even including me, sometimes) - I get really jealous. I can`t adapt to change well, and maybe that`s a factor. It's not like I can help the way I am.

I started feeling that way with my abuser. Maybe that`s why I continue to feel that way. I have a desire to talk with somebody for (literally) hours upon end about whatever. Sometimes nothing. I guess I grew so attached, addicted, and obsessed with that that I'm not really adapting to the loneliness.

Now I`ve sufficiently discovered why I don`t have a "best friend". Dammit. Sometimes I wish I was just a totally different fucking person.
You know, now I'm wondering what the point is, for me, in "making friends" - most of the time, they never stay or they change, become totally different people, and stab me in the friggin' back.

Fuck!

So...I kind of did something that might make it seem that I don't love Nick with all of my heart...which I do. Oh, by the by...Nick and I are back together. We were only really truly apart for about 2 weeks. And then I was staying over all the time because of crappy living situations. And we were sleeping in his bed together. And we realized that being apart hurts for both of us. A lot. More than it should if it's the right thing. ANYWAY. Beside the point.

I guess I need to introduce my good friend and Nick's arch nemesis, Fetske. Fetske is...the only thing that's ever made either me or Nick question our relationship even a little bit. Fetske has always been a bit...into me. And he always gets weird when he's around me and Nick together. And when it's just me and Fetske, he makes me wish I were single just so I can play on the same level as him. That and he's insanely attractive. I dunno...he's good looking, but it's more than that.

Fetske...(here's where I lapse into comparison that by no means is to suggest that I considered breaking up with Nick for Fetske or that I--until last night--ever would have done anything with Fetske, just on principle. Fetske made me understand why people cheat on people they love and made me all the more determined never to do it...end aside) Fetske's the kind of guy that you meet in some shady diner, take home, have mind-boggling, guilt-free sex with for the next 48 hours, and never mention a thing to anyone. Nick's the guy you date for only a short time before having sex with but still feel okay to bring home for dinner. And spend the rest of your life with.

ANYWAY. Fetske found out that Nick and I broke up and weren't TECHNICALLY together on Halloween. And started making moves. Now, granted...he was extremely drunk and more than a little bit high. And I was the only girl he knew at the party besides Rachel. But that's where that whole "Aren't you dating Nick? No, not anymore."-as-Nick-sneaks-up-behind-me-wraps-his-arms-around-me-and-kisses-my-forehead situation comes into play and you realize "Yeah, technically they're not together, but there's obviously a bit of a relationship there and I probably shouldn't fuck that up". Am I crazy? I think not. That's why Matt and Kayla got into trouble with Kyle. Don't ask. But basically the same situation. ANYWAY. Nick threw one of his weird fits where he doesn't yell, he just throws something out there pretty calmly and expects you to explain yourself. And I explained what I thought was going through Fetske's mind--that he wanted me and if technically Nick wasn't claiming me, then Bro Code be damned, he wanted me and he was making his freakin' move. And Nick really didn't like that.

So I try to avoid setting Nick off, but I also won't be told who I can and can't hang out with. Nick knows he can trust me, and even if he can't trust Fetske, he knows that I wouldn't let him do anything. So I went to the movies with Fetske while he was up in town, and Nattie and I went down to Sacramento to see his show (he does improv with ComedySportz) last week, and I haven't told Nick that. It's not his business, and it would just upset him. But...yesterday, Nick kind of pissed me off about Fetske. He suggested that had it not been for Nick, I would have gone for Fetske. And while that's...partly true, that's not what happened, so it's a moot point. Nick was there, and I didn't go for Fetske.

So when Fetske asked if I wanted to go down and see him and party, I didn't even think. I just...went. Got drunk...lost my inhibitions, and didn't say no when Fetske started making moves. And those moves went...further than they should have. Basically...I proved Nick's point. Did the thing that would confirm all his worst fears about Fetske. That I am attracted to him (or was--after last night...you know how you have Grocery Outlet brand or Safeway brand mac and cheese, and it's just...pale in comparison with Kraft? Yeah...Fetske's Grocery Outlet mac and cheese. Nick's Kraft. You catch my drift) and do/did want to jump his bones.

But this morning, I realized the mac and cheese bit of it, and realized everything else that goes with Nick and with being with Nick. And as horrible as it was of me to do what I did, I came to terms with my feelings for Fetske and moved past them. They won't affect me anymore. Now, that's not to say that all is solved with the Fetske/Nick rivalry, but at least Nick can know that he wins. Hands down. And maybe back off it a bit. Let Fetske think he has the upper hand, knowing full well that he doesn't. I'm not going to tell Nick what happened, per se. But Nick will know that he's the only guy I think about at all in that regard. He is the guy for me.

Look how sweet he is!!! Took this before I left on Wednesday morning. I had to go to work, and he told me to wake him up, but he was too sweet for me to disrupt that. So I took the picture, sent it to him, and told him why I didn't wake him up. He is without a doubt the sweetest thing I know. Even when he's petty and childishly jealous.