It Hurts Bad @ MindSay

Do you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out, put through a paper shredder, and have pretty much no one even notice because they are so caught up in their wonderful lives?

Do you have any idea how bad it hurts?

Do you know how it feels to have the ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE EVER REALLYY CARED ABOUT be 40/50-ish miles away and know that you may not be able to see them for AT LEAST TWO YEARS?!

Do you know how it feels to have all your dreams shattered with one sentence? Everything you've ever hoped and prayed for taken away from you before you even had a chance.

I'm sure there are a few people out there that know how I feel, but I doubt that anyone I will ever talk to could understand how bad this hurts.

All because of one mistake, one amazing night gone horribly wrong, and an overprotective controlling mother, I most likely won't be able to see the MOST COMPLETELY AMAZING PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD again until I'm _{AT LEAST} 17.

I'm 15. So what? You think that just because I'm 15 I can't possibly ACTUALLY LOVE him??? Well, you're wrong. I know how I feel. I love him and NOTHING ANYONE SAYS IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE THAT.

And ... I'd end up pregnant??? Are you serious? That is so stupid. "Guys that age only want one thing." BULLSHIT! That is definately not true. Ugh I have soooo many ways to argue against that point, but a few of them would end up making me seem slightly slutty, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.

"People shouldn't date until they are at least 17." Okay, I'm sorry, we do not live in the '60s. There are 6th graders, 7th graders, 8th graders with boyfriends/girlfriends. Now, I guess I agree that that is a little young, but 15 and 16 year olds should be old enough and mature enough to handle it. It's just really stupid. My mom treats me like I'm in 6th grade or something.

My mom obviously doesn't know what she's talking about. If she honestly thinks that I don't really love him, she obviously doesn't pay attention at all. But the thing is, I think she does know that I really love him, It just scares her. Typical mother. Just, she is overprotective and very controlling, so since it scares her, she does everything she can to destroy it.

She has even said she would go so far as to call the cops on me if i tried to leave town and go see him. She says that whoever takes me will have the cops called on them for "kidnaping" me. Typical psycho.

So hopefully I'm not the only one that thinks my mom has gone beyond the typical mother being protective and went straight to this horrible i-am-going-to-destroy-everything-good-in-your-life mother. I absolutely HATEE it. I would do ANYTHING to get out of this house. Out of this town. Away from this life I thought i knew. Away from all these people with their fake emotions, their fake personalities, their i-am-always-happy-nothing-bad-has-ever-happened-to-me fake attitudes. It's sickening. People here aren't worth staying for. I hate everything baout this town. And I'm afraid that if I don't get out of here soon, I'll end up being sucked in and stuck here for the rest of my life.

A couple of my friends are hurting real bad right now and everytime I look at them it makes me sad. I don't know how to make it better and that hurts me. I want to make it better for them, but I can't...:( I don't know what to do or say about this it just makes me sad.

Last night made me happy though. I went to the choir concert. Sounded great. I still think Eric looks a little funny when he sings, but whatever helps him is cool. It was great. I got to hang out with Eric a little bit before during and after...Vicki made fun of me cuz we were kissing. It was funny. Gawd I love him. He is so freaking amazing!!! No one has no freaking idea. He looks cute with his haircut...his ears stick out more, but that is ok. He has cute ears!

I currently have Eric's ipod. I have been listening to it like all morning. I am sure he probably wants it back...but I like listening to his music...Secretly though. Don't tell him that..lol...all is cool!

Blah I am so bored right now. I have nothing to do...well Ih ave to go to my next class in like 15 minutes, but yeah other than that I have nothing to do...so blah.. I am listening to Come Sail Away by Styx. I like that song. It is good to listen to and to play. It is chill to listen to Jorje play it on his trumpet! He is such a great freaking trumpet player! Yeah...

Uh...so I am going to go now...uh...BYE ^_^

oh god make it stop!!!!!!!

the commercial for the Casino was on TV just now....and i just burst out bawling.....it hurts so bad....

everything reminds me of her i cant escape her

rachel i love you soooo much.....why..whywhhyy

please god make it stop....make me stop loving her so much....make me like lee so i can just not fucking care what i do or who it hurts....make me like rya able to just change my mind on dime and stop loving someone....make me die....anything to stop hurting....

What the hell is wrong with me? My soul hurts so bad and I don't know why. I smile and laugh, but my heart is torn apart inside. I couldn't tell anyone why I hurt so bad, but I know it's not gonna go away any time soon. Why is everyone so happy around me, why can't I be happy? AWwWWWW Www I can't think or breath sometimes... I can't stop crying. I just want to fall in to a place where I can be held tight, so I can't get away, in the place I'm in now I feel like I'm lost and wondering, nowhere to be, nowhere I'm needed. No place. I can feel my heart so much and it hurts, oh it hurts so much. I can't breath. I just want to wake up. I need help, someone help me please...