Issue @ MindSay

WARNING: CRUDE STUFF AHEAD.

What You Don’t Get

You knock on the door,
Pissed because something didn’t go your way;
Marching in, with bloody knuckles and tousled hair,
I’m feeling pretty down, so let’s make this short, okay?

Your girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck,
And your friends weren’t up to getting drunk tonight;
Got kicked out of the bar,
Because some little dickhead wanted to pick a fight.

Yeah, sure, I’m pretty fucked up,
But, then again, you’re pretty damn fucked up, too;
I ain’t got no sweet-tasting remedy,
For your eternal case of the blues.

If you ain’t gonna listen,
You might as well just go back home;
I’m no miracle worker,
So stop shouting at me for wanting to be alone.

You never realized,
How narrow-minded you actually are;
I can’t help you,
Mend your wounds and stitch your scars.

Stop hatin’ on the world,
It gets us nowhere;
Stop holding grudges on the innocent,
When you really should be blamin’ you and your own affairs.

I care too much,
When you can’t give a fuck;
Empathy is in my nature,
Well, I guess ignorance is in yours.

I tried to help you once, twice, a third,
I can say that I tried;
Well, dear, the problem ain’t me,
The issue is that your heart withered and died.

Stop complaining that I sound like a bitch,
I’m being open and honest, I’m gonna tell the truth;
You came to me, so that’s how it’s gonna be,
Hey, I’m not the only one who’s acting uncouth.

I know, friend, I sound like I’m smart,
It’s past experiences that have made me that way;
But I’ve offered all I can,
And now there’s nothing left to give.

Now, get out of my face,
With your skin toned red, and breath of stale cigarettes;
Turn around, close the door on your way out,
We both know this ain’t over yet.

Yeah, seeya fuckin’ next time…

I can’t really complain,
It happens often, every now and again;
People knockin’ hard upon my door,
Wanting me to take away the pain.

They don’t know how lucky they have it,
What they don’t seem to understand, what isn't clear;
Is that it takes everything in me,
Just to make myself believe that I can feel.

---

Emily G. Fieldus
March 16th, 2009

In my county of Northern California, 29.2% of all the houses for sale in the last year were in foreclosure.

In all of California, the rate was 38.4% of all homes for sale in the last year that were in foreclosure.

I have noticed something about not only folks on Mindsay, but other folks around me in life.

Most ppl can say anything they want, in any manner they want and nobody thinks any different then them.

Certain folks like myself, we say the exact same things in the same exact manner, and we are considered overbearing, bitchy, an asshole, irritating, and rude.

Most ppl say they don't kiss anyone's ass and then turn around and kiss someone's ass all the time.

Certain folks like myself, say we don't kiss anyone's ass and don't.  We may be poliet but we kiss no one's ass.  And we are considered un social.

Most ppl say it is good to be oneself and then turn around and do exactly what someone else is doing.

Certain folks like myself, say it is good to be ourselves and do something with our own lil twist on it and we are not following the social norm and therefore we are to be ostricized!

Most ppl write about what is happing in their lives, talk about what is happening in their lives, talk about the ppl in their lives to other ppl, and give their opinions on the issues and ppl; and these ppl are considered the best ppl in the world.

Certain folks like myself, do the same things and we are considered rude, crude, and loud mouthed and shouldn't say shit about our opinions.

Most ppl will talk mad shit about how someone close to them makes them feel and how they are going to kick their asses or give them a peice of their mind.  And everyone goes, ohhhhhhhh don't piss them off they are going to hurt you or say somethign to you.  And then they dont' do shit but kiss the other person's ass that they were pist off at.

Certain folks like myself not only will talk mad shit about someone but have no problem telling the person we are talking mad shit about what we have said, why we said it and why we dont' like them and if they come near us our opinions and actions are taken at their own risk.  Then others will say oh they are a bitch or an asshole and if they are your so called friends don't speak up for you.

Most folks when they say they are someone's friend and will back you up, be there for you and have been in your life in one manner or another for a lot of years; will end up back stabbing you with their "new" friend or the friend that back stabbed them and another friend.

Certain folks like myself, say we are someone's friend will back their friends up and the only time they will do shit against a good friend is when that friend is being a dumb ass, we tell them, and then keep our mouths closed unless we are venting in a non harmful manner about them and we get blammed for their lives.  They go running to a new friend and leave their friend that will actually back them up and has done everything from loan them money, let them cry on your shoulder, and give them advice, listen, and be a great friend hanging and say we are the bad friend because we won't go out of our way to kiss their ass when they are being selfish towards us.

Most folks who are constantly worshipped by adoring friends are the ones that are the biggest moochers and have no clear idea what it is like to be an actual friend.  They expect their true friends to sit on the back burner and wait for them to need their true friend.  They make it a point to point out every lil thing that their "new" friend had done for htem but never thanked or even pointed out what their true friend has done for them in the past or how that true friend is always therefore them when they are bitching moaning, ranting, raving, crying and going through a shitty period in life.  And then make it a point to talk mad shit about their true friend and how their true friend doesn't know shit about anything and how irritating they are and ignore them until they need that friend.  Doesnt' matter if that true friend just knows when something is wrong and calls for the hell of it or calls all the time because they miss you that don't care.

Certain folks like me who are usually hated by most ppl only have a few friends, don't ask for anything from their friends even when they need to.  Expect their true friends to actually care about what is going on in not only their lives but their hearts.  Not only listen to us rant rave bitch moan cry and such but also go hey are you okay, we haven't heard from you in a while.    We make a point about if we rant and rave in also saying we are venting and that we do love our friends and if we aren't paying enough attention we are sorry for being such a terrible friend.  And we are the ones that end up calling everyone we care about instead of our friends calling us because we care even if they don't.

Yes, I am a little irriate tonight after starting out in a really good mood.  Not exactly sure why.  It might be because I recieved some news today or parital at least about my brother and his skanky lil wife, it could be because I have all these IRL and NET friends and nobody really cares to call me and say hey how are you.  I have to ask them if they are busy and if they aren't can they call me.  And even knowing that I dont' have unlimited LD like before at the moemnt and they do they go call me instead.  Or they don't even bother with emailing me.  And then when I do get a hold of them I am just so happy to have someone besides a kid to talk to I ramble and ramble and ramble.  You know sort of like I am now.  Sure Icould email them and sure I could call them.....but why when for the most part they keep me out of the loop on everything they deem important anymore because they have "new" friends or friends they are to busy kissing ass too or they are to busy having a life which in the fucking area I am unable to.  Which I don't begrudge them that because it sucks staying home and living in an area that you have not one person not even your husband to talk to about things that are of importance to you. 

I noticed that this was not as big of an issue for me when we were in our home area because I had a lot of things I could do, places to go, and friends to get out and about with.  But when I am stuck in bumbfuck nowhere and your so called friends could give a rats ass about you and pretty much tell you in various actions and behavors that you mean shit to them it becomes an issue.  Especially when you don't fall into the "social" norm in your new area!

Sometimes I just fucking hate life!

 So here i am. Bored outta my mind. Sitting infront of my computer. Thinking.

I read Brandybear's entry on commitment phobic and commitmentholic ppl, and I have a rebuttle.

(Please dont take this to heart brandybear I thought what you said was great but, as someone more on the otherside of the line, I want to express my views.)

 The world around me has changed considerably in the last few months and i'm left wondering what it is all about.You see im in love with this girl. She's smart, funny, exeptionaly talented, and of course breathtaking. I know she loves me, although im not sure to what extent on most occasions. The real issue here is her phobia of commitment and my need/want for a committed relationship or at least I think thats the issue. I'm hoping its not just all the times I left the doggy gate open...  hmmm... nah.

My view on this, using a similar model to Brandybear's, loosely places most people into these two catagories:

        #1 - Those who fear (or generaly don't want) commitment.

        #2 - Those who enjoy (or do want) commitment.

Pretty much the same as what brandybear said so far. However since im not a commitmentphobic person I'm often left wondering about the other side. I am generaly in the belief that any relationship with a strong enough love can work given time, so if I know I love someone today chances are i'll love them decades from now. This theory really only applies to my life since I know from my personal experience. But what about the otherside... what is going on in thier head, are they waiting for perfection are they seeking something that isnt there or are they just unhappy with relationships and don't want to really be in one. I can't understand fear of commitment anybetter than I can understand Chinese (ok bad example I know some Chinese but you get the idea) I cant understand it because I've never felt it. So to me it's like it doesnt exist (eventhough I know it does).  

I guess this turned out to be a question for the denizens of mindsay. Why are commitmentphobes commitmentphobes? What makes you afraid or withdrawn?

 whoa that was the poorest rebuttle ive written lol.

I think im confused and since I'm rambling again don't take it personaly.