Introspection @ MindSay

Although, there is genuine loneliness that comes with straight, dark freedom.

After reading a few blogs bemoaning the victimized fate  of the honest person I just can’t keep quiet. I think the argument being made that being open leads to hurt and exploitation is a rationalization because  people are afraid to continue - or maybe even begin - being open in a complex world.

 

 

My opinion has  evolved after many years of also feelings misused and exploited,  but I maintain that heartfelt honesty continues to be the best policy. Honesty is not the same as being a door mat of a walking victim with a kick me sign. Nor is it giving vent to every impulse good or bad that pops into ones head. Heartfelt  Honesty takes reflection, inspection and timing. I believe that honest and kindly assertion is always useful and helps one and others live more comfortably in the world.

 

Yes, I admit there are toxic people and situations we should avoid but sometimes we can soften the toxicity  by speaking  up in a kind calm and “here is how we can correct it way”. I will be happy to give examples or even role play a situation with some who challenges my opinion. Fight or Flight are not the only ways to treat a bad situation, That’s a very black and white way of looking at our world and even the people who tax us the most deserve more credit than that.  

 

I don’t live in a fool's paradise or a bell jar. I deal with companies and work men  who fail to deliver, and clients who forget to pay, friends who mindlessly disappoint, family that can be selfish and unthinking and a husband who has different attitudes than I have. Yet I am able in all those situations to speak up and address issues without exploding or being bitten. If you have been reading my blog you will know that I have the neighbors from hell and while I don't talk to them because they won’t talk to me,  I have learned to stop fretting their existence , relax  and co-exist. 

 

We humans don’t come with instruction manuals or little off/on /reset buttons and so one of the hardest – oh maybe THE hardest task - is to find a way to walk the path without becoming what you hate. Honesty is always worth it and will bring you peace.

I must start looking at myself. I have avoided myself for decades. I am caught in a vicious circle of inertia--and I have put myself here.

 

I am overweight.

I am out of shape.

I am sad.

I don't feel worthy of feeling well.

 

Some of this is conditioning, most of this is choice. I have chosen to be conditioned. I have copped out on myself. Until now.... or what passes for now.

 

I need to change. I need to be more healthy. I need to lose weight. I need to exercise. No brainers, right? They're no-brainers if you're already there. They are giant obstacles if you're standing in my shoes. Those three things are my Mount Everests. I am at war with myself and I am losing miserably.

 

I can't stand to look at myself in any mirror and avoid them at all costs. I won't have my picture taken. I avoid social situations because I am chock-full of self-loathing. This has GOT to change! This is not ME! I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent, have a fairly good sense of humor, and am not butt-ugly (underneath all this... this... me).

 

What's stopping me, you ask? Fear.

I fear what I'd be like were I smaller. I fear how people will react to me being smaller. I know how I feel now. I know I am miserable, but what am I going to be like in that proverbial "after" picture? Will I lose myself- my internal self? It's about the only piece of me I like!

 

I am stuck in the "better the devil you know" state of inertia.

 

Today I begin my Grand Metamorphosis.

Today I will exercise.

Today I will begin eating better.

Today I will begin the journey of ten thousand calories.

 

Today I weigh 270#

Today I am 5'6" tall

Today I am in my mid-forties.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Well, despite my best intentions (yeah, yeah; the road to hell and all of that), this blog has been anything but a repository for random accounts from my life.  I'll make the defense that not much of consequence actually occurs that's worth documenting, but that can really only take me so far as I've definitely had enough to happen over the last few months to make at least an entry or two :-P.  But ultimately, it come down to a sense of purpose, or more precisely, the lack thereof.  I've never been the type to write a journal for my own devices, and putting something up of the interweb, it's hard to pretend I'm not doing it for other people to see.  So while I don't really need or expect (or want) an audience, it does make updating thing seem rather pointless without one.  That being said, I've felt a little guilty at various points for not making at least a cursory effort with the thing, and a combination of a few factors (a sudden nostalgic return to some old forum haunts; catching up with an old friend; a fight with my girlfriend) have put me in enough of a reflective mood to make a return, however brief, to this little corner of mine.

 

So what have I to say?  Well, I'm not entirely sure.  There's plenty of things I could say.  Even a few things I kind of want to say.  But thinking something and putting on display for the vast populace of the internet are two different things...and perhaps I'm stalling now.  First, while I certainly have enjoyed the freedom obtained by cutting loose my ties to that horrid den of soul-sucking misery that was my job, and while I have no regrets or qualms with having done so, being jobless, for any significant amount of time blows.  Especially when you're making an honest attempt to return to the working force, and that attempt fails, repeatedly.  I know, I know.  Each time I apply, the dice roll anew, and there's just as good a chance of hitting the jackpot as there was with roll number 1, but when you go a few dozen rounds, and still come up with snake eyes, it's hard to shake those dice with the same level of enthusiasm (and I wonder if there's something subconscious about using a gambling reference to relate to being broke O_-).  I haven't given up, of course, but I am getting pretty sick of bringing in no income, and I don't think I'll hold out for much longer before trudging back toward the dark world of retail.  It won't be longer than a year or two, at any rate, since we'll be moving to Seattle by then, so it helps make the idea of giving up my dignity again to know I'll get it back before too long.  But either way, I'm getting damned near desperate to see my girlfriend, and that can't be done without money, so my priorities are pretty much lined out there.

 

Which brings me to issue number 2.  It's been quite the ride returning to the relationship realm after so many years.  I want to say it's all clouds and bubbles, and to be sure, there's been plenty of that, but there's been some rough spots, too.  Rougher than perhaps I want to admit; either to myself, or her.  To be fair, almost everything that has been of any consequence has been pretty much squarely on my side of things, and related to my neurotic tics.  For her part, she seems as stable as the earth's orbit, and nothing I've done seems to have had the least bit negative impact on her, or her perception of us.  She's fantastic, is what I mean to say, and in some ways that's made things all the harder for me.  There's been too many little things, mostly silly and ridiculous, to really document them all here, but the most recent of them was also the most severe, and it was the first time I really, genuinely felt like there was a good chance we weren't cut out for each other.  There's been a few times that I've had my doubts, sometimes strongly, and in those moments I've always managed to convince myself it would be for the better if we called it off.  But when I stood on the edge looking into that dark eventuality last night, I didn't feel good about it.  I felt devastated.  Because it didn't seem like it was all in my head this time.  Didn't seem like I'd just get over it like usual and go back to realizing how really kick ass things were with her.  It seemed, in other words, like the end.  And I didn't want it. 

 

Two things came out of that pretty sickly moment of reflection.  Two things that weren't entirely compatible, and one of which has since overridden the other.  The first, was that I started to really feel like the incompatibilities between us might be too great to be overcome.  The other, was that I knew I loved her, really loved her, and whether or not things worked out for us, that wasn't going to change.  The good news, super wonderful news, really, is that I finally decided to seek out some perspective from someone other than me or her, and the way they reacted to my concerns pretty much made them all seem more or less inconsequential, in the end.  Not trivial, mind you, because they understood entirely why I felt like I did.  But they were issues that weren't in any way big enough to deteriorate everything else about the relationship that was so right.  So, coming out of this, I kinda feel like I've stepped back from the light, and gotten a new lease on my love life.  That's kinda sappy, so my apologies to any innocent bystander who walked unawares into that block of cheese, but the hell with it; this is my blog, and I'll post what I damn well feel like. 

 

Now I've just gotta get myself a job and follow that up with a long sought after plane ticket.

 

 

...In entirely unrelated news, I have ascended into the Rock God pantheon.  Granted, it's only as a low-level demigod, forced to do embarrasing tasks for the Gods themselves, like scraping puny mortals of their sandals, and cleaning the pegasus stables, but still.  GHII on expert: mission-fucking-accomplished.

 

Rock, rock on.

So, my apprehension was definitely unfounded, I'm happy to report.

It's been a very full week. I already feel like I've known these people for months, or in the case of a few, my whole life (which is a little weird with one of the paintball guys, but it's cool).

If this week is any indication, I'm going to be learning a LOT this summer. Much about God, much about myself. This week, I went on another "Spirit Walk" (it's not that impressive. I go for a hike in the woods where no one can hear me, and yell at God for awhile about what I'm struggling with), and through the course of it figured out my issues with intimacy, relationships, where I place my hope and faith, and that two different things that have been burdens on me for the last three and six years weren't really my fault at all. I actually started out praying about this conversation I need to have with Knuter, but it ended up going in a totally different direction, a lot deeper and more involved than I was expecting.

Upon getting into my room, the first thought in my mind was a light disgust with how messy it was. My room was not substantially worse than usual - a little bit, because I'd been packing and left in a hurry, but not much. I'd just spent the last week sharing a cabin with thirteen other women, having far less space to myself than I have here (and trust me, the fourteen of us do tend to have our stuff all over the place). Definitions altered? I think yes.

I'd particularly missed my youngest sister this week - don't know why, but it was good to see her as the first person I encountered. She's as busy as I usually am, so we didn't have much time to talk, but she has a show opening in a few weeks that I'm planning to be at.

I'd completely forgotten my doggie - there are three golden retrievers that run around camp - Ali, Ginger, and Buddy (because after all, it's not a camp if you don't have a loose golden retriever, right? :) ), but none of them know me as theirs, and delight to see me quite the way my shepherd does.

 I doubt that I'll be blogging much, as I'm only home for about a day or so every week, but I'm journaling more than ever (I actually like that better than blogging, I'm finding). I may do something like summarize the top point of the week - don't know yet.

But I'm home!

Now, of course, the project is to figure out what tasks are important to get done this weekend (it's shorter than a normal weekend for me), and what order to do them in.