Intimacy @ MindSay

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Seriously!
Shelly and I have discussed today and neither of us have any idea what the fuck happened to the nine hours we spent together.
We didn't even play Guitar Hero or anything!

We've established that we spent around an hour on Facebook and Farmville - and around an hour cooking our meal and eating it - but fuck knows what happened to the other seven hours.

Regardless - I've really enjoyed today.
I've felt so close to my special girlfriend Shelly.

I was cuddled up to her on my bed for a lot of the time - kissing her and talking.
After the argument we had yesterday, it took us around 25 minutes to talk it over and come to a conclusion - whereby we forgave each other and made up properly.
I was scared about it last night, I thought it would end up us splitting up our relationship - and I'm glad that wasn't the case. :)

Fair enough, we had quite a lot of sex today - but surely, we can't have spent SEVEN HOURS doing it?
Amongst the things we tried out today - Shelly repeated what she did to me in March, but was a lot more intimate and involved. I fucking loved it - and I repaid her the best way I know how. :D

If only my dad hadn't been in. :)
I have a problem - if I HAVE to be silent - I devote so much concentration to actually keeping myself quiet, I can't enjoy what she's doing to me as much.Sucks. :(

Jade called me last night in tears.  She was slighted on Facebook.  She has a friend, who has a friend, who is a friend, of a mutual friend and this friend didn’t confirm their friendship on Facebook.  She was really upset.  “Why didn’t she add me”?  She kept asking.  “What’s wrong with me”?  She kept asking.  Mind you this Facebook debacle came off of a previous Facebook debacle where Jade had put in a Friend Request and was denied.  She was devastated by that one.  It didn’t matter that the request was for a woman she knew in elementary school and hadn’t heard from or thought of in a million years.   She was rejected.   And rejection is rejection. 

Which got me to thinking, why do we feel rejected by Facebook?  Is it truly rejection if a person you haven’t thought about, will most likely never lay eyes on, who you don’t even know rejects your friend request?  If this is rejection, what is it when someone you actually care about and actually see on a daily basis says they’re done with you?  Is Facebook just another way to avoid intimacy?  We put out this profile that may or may not be accurate.  It’s completely subject to our writing and creative writing capabilities.  The goal is to have as many friends, and hopefully attractive friends as possible.  What is that all about?  We want to have “friends” that we don’t communicate with face to face to impress faceless strangers?  Weird. 

Jade of course refutes this argument.  Is insulted by this argument.  She’s not trying to impress anyone.  She’s on Facebook for the community she has created.  She writes down any little thought that goes through her mind.  As do her community members.  It’s a way to stay connected she argues.  Well, if you are truly looking for a connection, wouldn’t you call the friend?  Isn’t it important to actually hear a voice?  Hear an inflection?  Have more than a one way dialog?  And if this community is your social circle, it’s a little disturbing.  Our social skills are going out the window.  Not that for past couple decades we’ve had much to begin with.  But people don’t even speak to one another anymore.  People get their needs for intimacy met from typing to strangers they would not have even thought about if not for some computer program.  Doesn’t that alarm you? 

There appears to be a breakdown in communication, to put it mildly.  This past election is a prime example of this breakdown.  There was no communication going on.  No exchanging of ideas.  No artful reply.  No discourse.  No debate where the players actually used manners, listened, and politely pointed out differences or similarities.  We are so accustomed and desensitized to ranting that we don’t even recognize it anymore.  We simply pick our ranter and plug in.  Liberals pick their ranter, conservatives pick their ranter and nobody listens to anyone outside of their ranting circle. 

We have such a need for anyonymity these days.  Why is that?  Why do we choose not to speak to a loved one or otherwise?  We prefer to type.   Why do we choose strangers over confidants?  Is it that we don’t have the skills to communicate anymore?  It’s just too hard to actually have to listen?  To have to formulate a response without the time delay of typing?  To actually have to respond to what a person is saying through words, body language, inflection and tone when the ability to filter and edit based on our reading interpretation is gone? 

I argue that we need intimacy.  We need face to face intimacy.  We need conversation, in person.  We need to touch each other.  Both literally and figuratively.  We need to become human again.  Especially now when people are hurting.  Now is the time to disconnect.  To talk to your neighbor over the fence.  To meet up at the water cooler and speak.  To call a long lost friend and catch up.  To hug your actual face to face friends when you actually meet them for dinner.  Together.  Not online.  Not texting.  Not emailing.  Not facebooking.  We have children here who are growing up in a world where people are becoming more and more robotic.  If I see one more person with a blue tooth connected to their head while at our children’s soccer practice, I’m going to lose it.  It’s creepy.   Our children are growing up in a world where adults don’t converse.  They yell, scream, talk over, and turn their back on anyone who doesn’t nod and smile.  Our children are having sex with strangers because they don’t see intimacy in this world.  True intimacy.  They aren’t shown the skills of meeting someone.  Learning about someone.  Spending time with someone.  They are simply doing what we do.  We have needs, no time or desire to really get to know someone, so we simply hook up.  Needs met, next task on the list to complete.  No time wasted. 

So I practiced what I preach.  I went marching over to Jades house.  I gave her my rant.  She facebooked during my rant.  Still trying to get this rejecting friend to accept her request.  I told her she’s crazy and left.  Progress.  Now that’s what I’m talking about. 

Please, have one face to face conversation with a stranger today.  Just ask how they are doing?   And actually look the person in the eye.  And wait for an answer.  Try it.  It’ll make you feel better.  I promise. 

I can't write a romance! The last daydream I had about someone I liked was about how I would reject him! I have trouble watching the moment on TV when someone proclaims their love to someone else - When I see it coming, I change the channel and change it back when I think it might be over!


Seriously, I have major intimacy issues. Fear of vulnerability, or something like that. But my teacher's making us write a romance!

My heart is aching right now. It wants to be held.

 

I need someone to talk to but everyone is too close. Everyone.  I just want to express my love and desires.

I should be telling my boyfriend, but I dont know if he wants to hear that right now. Even tho he does.

 

I just miss him, and need him in my arms. If i think that i will go through this life without ever holding him, kissing him, loving him, I cry. I cry cry cry cry. I could cry all day if I couldnt stop those thoughts.

 

I just went for a healing, and my kundalini is rising, my sexual self is REALLY waking up, REALLY coming out. and it got stuck and im trying to make it go up and i just feel the energy brewing insiide of me.

 

 

Healing Notes

 

man in a shell, afraid to be a man, hides as a boy
wont come out to me, cant express feelings, wants to be in control but hes not when i voice
my desire. strangled.unable to speak.  spins the world on his finger....

fish man - hubby. will fill my belly, zones out while eating, wont hear me if i speak. Just as ravenous with my body and he is with food.

give me my son and my daughter, exact replicas of their parents.

 

Boyfriend

we will always be distant with intervals of physical closeness. we heal each other sexually and emotionally, and some how are sexually together when we're so far apart.

Kundalini rising, stuck in my solar plexus affecting my sexuality.

Fullfill our relationship to the fullest, because we need it, and we will leave healed, and fullfilled.

 

 

 

 

Even now i can feel my body asking, craving for sexual pleasure, sexual relief. Oh i want it.

I just want him to touch me, be within me, i just want to feel him entirely.

 

I love him so much. its painful to be parted. my mind torments me with pictures and scenarios.

 

Frig, i admit it. im horny and i want him and only him

Yesterday, the Gunman had a cute post about a Christian sex toy website. And yeah, it is kind of creepy when you get the 'Ned and Maude Flanders' picture in your head and then try to add a vibrator to the scene. But of course Ned and Maude Flanders aren't the true picture of Christians; that's just an overblown, cartoonish depiction… right? Of course when I think back to some of my friends' Christian parents and then add the concept of sex toys…yeesh. (I think there were a few who could have desperately used 3 or 4- at once.)

 

But hey, why can’t two married Christians have hot and horny sex? (Like real married Christians- not the nuclear family with the father ala Ted Haggard who tells his wife he’s ‘going bowling’ every Friday and ends up two cities over at the ‘Fudge Palace’ in assless chaps.) Why can’t they have hot, wet, sweaty, heavy, grinding, lip biting coupling? The kind where your back arches and your toes curl. Why shouldn’t they? Why shouldn’t she dress up in the tawdry cheerleader costume? Why shouldn’t he? Why shouldn’t they explore every iota of their carnal desires- aren’t they together? Then what’s left to hide?

 

But it's not just 'Christians' I guess when I think about it. It’s what perplexes me about the human animal- the allover contradictions. We relentlessly search for 'that one person' to fulfill our lives yet we hide from the person that we’re supposed to be most intimate with. Male or female, we'll hook up with some completely impractical scag to tryst with because it’s easier than bridging that intimacy with the person you've decided you're going to 'spend the rest of your life with'. Married couples get together for stupid reasons and split up over even stupider ones. No matter what the 'reason', all it's ever about is that huge resistance to being completely and fully intimate with each other. Two people can yell and scream at each other for 23 years and think they have a marriage when in truth they don't really know each other at all. That's why I believe marriage is only for certain types of people. The ones with fortitude. Courage.

 

There ain't many of those left.

 

I have to giggle at it though. My first start up was a housecleaning business and that's where I discovered what a bunch of dirty, dirty liars Americans are. How we will say one thing without blinking- all while standing on a Rocky Mountain sized range of bullshit. Oh, I had to giggle at the vast majority of prudish Americans who wanted Miley Cyrus hung from her thumbs and given 30 lashes for her 'tawdry' photos. Puh-leaze. It doesn't matter if it's a 2 million dollar home or a 1 bedroom apartment, this is the same America that hides a monumental stash of dildo's and 'Barely Legal' porn under its bed, right along with stiff crotchless panties and fuzzy handcuffs. I should know. I've sucked up the cord of your Gigantico 3000 vibrator into my vacuum plenty of times. I finally learned to look under your bed before vacuuming to move (with a broom) the half dozen or so butt plugs you keep under there. Do you know how much hell those damn things play on a vacuum? They'll bang up the roller bar and snap the belt faster than you can say 'hypocrite'.

 

Oh, how many times have I dusted high shelves and come across your hidden stash of magazines, books and videos that depict everything from pregnant women to black men to dogs and donkeys. And ladies- some of you rival the men in this area. Or- oh God- dusting across the VCR, accidentally hitting play and getting an eyeful of your 'homemade videos'? And what about that time of walking in on my client's husband and the exchange student? The male exchange student.    Yeah.

 

You wanna learn a lot about the secret lives- the real lives of people- go clean their houses. While we're panicking over violent video games, there's a lot of you with BDSM and rape porno stashed under the mattress. (Hey- you're the one who wanted me to make your bed. The sheet has to be folded exactly 6 inches down from the top and tucked in all the way around, remember?)

 

America's obsession/repression with sex/intimacy- I actually think it's very interesting. I do have my ideas about sex and I think sex is a fine thing. I never got obsessed with it the way I was told I should have been or was supposed to be. (I enjoyed it just fine. It just kind of… never made my list of the top ten things to do.) Maybe when I am in the retirement home I can become the resident slut and work on it then. We'll have to see what time affords. I'll be sure and wear my glasses though. Don't wanna hide my bananas under the bed and keep my dildos in the fruit bowl.