Insomnia @ MindSay 
Sleeping is one of the if not the most relaxing things to do. This is the time where our brain could finally rest a bit from all the worries, concerns and all the thoughts that are running when we are in our conscious state. However, there are some people who have a hard time sleeping. In medical terms I believe it's called insomnia.
Serious huh?! Well, a little bit, because I am already concern and a little bothered by the fact that I cannot sleep easily at night. I remember I read my sister's essays about Insomnia. According to the study, insomnia is a symptom of any of several sleep disorders, characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. Another fact that caught my attention is that women is more likely to suffer insomnia than men. Woah. I think that is true.
Well, as I have mentioned I think I am insomniac already but I am already looking for ways to be able to sleep as early as possible. I don't eat sweet foods nor coffee before I sleep. I believe exercising before you sleep is also not good so I save it for mornings. If I still can't sleep the most that I can do is spend it as productive as I can. I try to read books or write essays, hoping to be one of the best essay writers of the country. I am hoping that with these efforts that I am exerting now, I can go back to my normal routine of sleeping.
Gosh, I actually miss sleeping at night! You know my sleeping habit now? I will go to bed by 12 midnight try the hardest to fall asleep and go to dreamland... After 1 hour, I am still all awake, so I will try to read a book, at the middle of story, I will feel sleepy so I was so happy to put away the book and close my eyes, but voila after I do that, everything will be back to the beginning, me trying to sleep. Sigh. It's really hard specially that I have to wake up early in the morning.
However, I am not losing hope that this will all end soon. I am very optimistic that soon I will be able to sleep as early as 10pm. Yeah right!
Drinking: Coke
Failing at writing: Duplicity ch. 6, Sweet Thing
Jealous of: some people's epic MSP skills
Reading: Some of my old fanfic favorites - I had really bad taste in lemons a couple years ago. O.o
Listening to: .hack//SIGN music - I BLAME KAIFU
Music stuck in head: Fake Wings from .hack//SIGN - I DEFINITELY BLAME KAIFU FOR THIS
Wants: To go swimming, to cuddle her kitty (he won't let me ;_;)
Kitsune no Tora is feeling: Tired, frustrated
Friday DID suck, but probably not as bad as it could have. I could have had to watch the booth on SUNDAY. D8 I feel bad for my cousin Kelsey, it was antagonizingly scorching and humid that day. I got the good day, it seems - Saturday my Aunt Sue and cousin Angela watched the booth in the pouring rain and thunder, and Sunday my Aunt Norma and cousin Kelsey watched it on Sunday in addition to taking the whole thing down without my sick aunt Ann's help. I didn't even have to put the tent up - my aunt managed to get it up the day before, even though she was sick.
Thursday night I went to bed early, around 9:30. Surprisingly (and maybe not so surprisingly, considering that the night before I only got about 4 hours of sleep because I had to get up to drive that old lady around) I fell asleep right away. But, unfortunately, about ten to one in the morning I woke up again and couldn't get back to sleep. ;_; That sucked, I only got about 4 hours AGAIN. So I dragged myself out of bed, ate something for breakfast, and watched tv/surfed the internet until I had to take a shower. At a little after 5:15 my grandma pulled into the driveway, and we were on our way.
The craft show was the Milford Memories festival. We managed to park really close to the booth (my grandma can't walk very far without getting tired, so that was lucky. I had to walk really slow so she could keep up), and my Aunt Ann and dad were already there with her car, getting ready to start finishing putting up the tent and put up the display. I wasn't very happy with Aunt Ann though - she was pretty sick, yet she was running around trying to do all of this herself, and apologizing every few seconds when we finally managed to get her to let us do SOMETHING. I just wanted to pull out a chair for her and tell her to SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND LET US DO IT. XD;;
Her new display is pretty nice - it's a lot lighter than her old iron display and tables. My uncle Jim built it for her - it's two wooden pyramid-like things that hold three shelves between them, the top being the smallest. She got a lot of compliments for it. :3 (Well, we did, as she wasn't there during the day. XD;)
My Aunt Sue came to help as well, but only for the morning bit before the show started - she had work at 11. I had originally thought the show started at 7:30 - after all, if it didn't start early, then WHY DID WE HAVE TO BE THERE AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING?! But no, the show didn't start until like, 9. >.>
So we got the display set up and the tent prepped to be zipped up that evening, and we finally managed to get Aunt Ann to SIT DOWN and rest for a bit. Then my dad took her back home, leaving myself, Grandma, and Aunt Sue there to finish tidying things up. I took a short walk with Aunt Sue down toward Commerce rd, looking at the displays being set up when we were done. (At about a quarter after 7. >.>) We didn't go far though, and I didn't really explore during the course of the day. What I saw was pretty cool though. I kinda wish I could have gotten some jewelry or something (there was some really pretty things on display), but they were all a little over-priced for my liking. ^^;
We got some coffee for my grandma and a Mountain Dew for me at the bakery (where earlier my dad and aunt Sue had gone and gotten donuts) and went back. We sat and chatted for a while until my Aunt had to leave at about a quarter to nine for work.
The morning for the show was pretty slow, in terms of what we sold. I don't think anyone bought ANYTHING until at least nearly 11. We got PLENTY of people coming in and looking, though. We had set up the booth so that I could sit and watch the customers (to prevent theft) and my grandma sat in the back, where we kept the money purse and charge stuff. I didn't really like sitting in the front, I was dog tired and nearly fell asleep a few times. ^^; A sleepy saleslady is not a good saleslady... I'm sure I looked generally not happy to be there, although I tried my best to look awake and happy when people came in. I ended up staring into space more times that I would have liked, though. D: And I think she had one of her pins stolen at one point, it's hard to see the things in the very front of the display, especially when there's about 7 people trying to crowd into the booth. D8
It was pretty hectic at some points, we got bursts of about 5 people trying to buy things at once, and people mostly used credit cards, which takes longer. She has an old-fashioned press thing that stamps the numbers on the card onto a piece of paper, and you have to double check the numbers to make sure they're all legible, including the expiration date, and then calculating all the tax and stuff with a normal calculator. XD She should get a charge machine, it would make her life a lot easier. ^^;
It was also a bit of a hassle making sure everything had prices, and that we knew what the prices were supposed to be. My grandma had to call up Aunt Ann a couple times to ask what something cost, because not all of it was labeled. We actually lost a sale because something was mis-priced, but the bad price on the pin was too low for us to let go. $18 is nowhere near $30. XD; She puts a lot of work into them, it was too low to just let it go.
My cousin Jay dropped by near 12-ish. I was kinda staring off into space when he came by, so I didn't notice him until he shouted out my name. I still didn't see him until he started waving around, and I TOTALLY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. Seriously, that kid looks different EVERY TIME I SEE HIM. Which isn't often, but w/e. I gave him a "who-the-fuck-are-you-and-how-do-you-know-me" look, and he had to say his name before I realized it. XD; I felt silly, lol. I coudn't recognize my own cousin... He was out enjoying the festival with his friends, so he only stopped by to say hi to grandma and left.
Around 12:30 we ordered out to the sandwich place down the street for lunch. It was an hour wait! DX And they didn't give us our sellers discount! DX At least the food was good, but it was way too over-priced, and then they didn't give us the discount... ;_; $6.50 is outrageous for a sandwich and chips, srsly. My grandma got a salad, and I got to sit in her private chair so I could eat in peace while she watched the booth. She's a way better saleslady than I am, she should have been there the entire time. XD; She likes people watching more than I do, too. We switched places when I was done so she could eat and stayed that way for the most part until I left to go get some shaved ice. <3 It was pretty hot out, so that was nice. I got lemon~ It was a little too much, though, so I ended up throwing like, half of it away. DX It got too sweet near the bottom where all the syrup went. I ate it in the back and got to doze off for a few minutes.
Sometime between lunch and 4 my Aunt Norma and Uncle Jim stopped by to chat. They were going out to the beer tent to meet some friends, and they stayed for a while and talked to us.
I got a surprise after that, too - I saw my 6th grade gym teacher. XD;;; He was outside our booth talking to some people - I wouldn't have even NOTICED (I was staring into space again) if he hadn't introduced himself to those people. I O.o'd and loled, and almost went up to go say hi, but I decided not to. I was a bad gym student... I've always sucked at gym, especially running. XD; It was funny to see him after all this time, though. 7 years. (OMFG has it really been that long? O.o XD;;) He didn't look much different, maybe a little grayer. Well, actually, he was gray when I had him, he was white when I saw him. XDD
Around 4 I got a second wind that lasted the rest of the day, thank goodness. At 6 I ran up to the restaurant down the street and got us a few burgers. They were a little rare for my taste, and didn't have a whole lot of seasoning, but it was a pretty darn good deal for such a big one. We should have eaten there for lunch...
We had a countdown going after about 7:00. XD My grandma was just as eager for this to be over as I was - she got about the same amount of sleep as me, since they got back late from the emergency room. When the show was FINALLY OVER, we managed to get a time where no one was coming in and I closed the front of the tent, zipping it up. We took down the display and moved things to the bottom shelf so they wouldn't get broken, put a tarp over them, and shuffled all the tubs of extra merchandise as close to the center of the tent as we could. It was supposed to thunderstorm, so...
Doing that and zipping up the tent took about a half hour, and then we were off~
My aunt ended up in the hospital again on Saturday. D: I ended up calling her because I heard from my dad that she was thinking of skipping Sunday altogether and having everyone pack up the booth Saturday evening, but it turned out that Aunt Norma and Kelsey had already persuaded her to let them watch it that day. (Phew. XD; I don't mind helping, but doing it that day would have been not fun.) I'm still not quite sure what was wrong (originally it was something about her appendix, and then it was something about a kindey stone, I think?), but she's out now and recovering, which is good. She stayed upstairs when we visited for dinner today, so I'm not sure how she's doing herself, but I guess things are fine for the time being. But I'll probably be helping her in her future shows. I don't mind, as long as I don't have to be up so early again. >.> I'll still do it if she asks, but STILL. Being up at 1 in the morning, unless I had stayed up that late, is not my cup of tea. XP
This is waaaay too long now, so I'm going to end it here. Goodnight, digital abyss~
last night YET AGAIN i found it impossible to sleep. so at 1 am i decided to roll out of bed and see what was going on in the world. i turned on the laptop and read a couple of articles about homes made of recycled shipping crates, and men surviving being struck by lightning, and women dragging their toddlers through department stores... then it occured to me that i recently had my cpt scores faxed over to valencia but i hadnt checked if i could sign up for new student orientation yet. so i hustled over to my atlas account and logged in.
and guess what?
I CAN
so i have two options.
option 1:
take the new student orientation online
pros: easy, fast, dont have to waste money on gas
cons: must print out some assessment sheet [dont have a printer], and kinda boring [2 hours sitting at the computer...]
option 2:
go to valencia and attend the new student orientation there
pros: great excuse for a road trip, more fun [more interactive], can visit the new apartment, can get immediate help from a counselor if i need it [as opposed to having to call in if i take it online]
cons: gas to take me from ocala to orlando is going to be pricey [im broke almost all the time :( ], the orientation in orlando is an hour longer, blah blah blah...
im not really sure which one im going to go with right now... option 2 [apart from the financial aspect] seems like the smarter option because i can get more done.
---
anyhoo so after i got done with the computer, i went back to my room and started reading the florida drivers handbook because i am DETERMINED to have my license when i move from this place. yupp. i keep envisioning how my test is going to be. im kinda nervous [-tears chunk of hair from head-] i hope i pass it the first time... if i can get my license i wont need to worry about a lot of things. i'll probably use some of my grant money to make a down payment on a not-too-shitty-but-not-too-flashy car and that will help me LOADS when i move. ESPECIALLY considering that the college is a 6 hour walk from my apartment and i dont know how to use the public transit system down there AND i need a way to get to work also [hollister is transferring me -happy dance-].
---
it didnt take long for me to get bored with studying for the driving thingy. so with complete disregard of the time and my neighbors i picked up the guitar and started trying to figure out the chords to that new panic! at the disco song [called new perspective]. its a lot more fun trying to figure it out by yourself than googling the tabs and chords... at least i think it is [not so sure about my neighbors... im pretty sure they hate me... and my guitar]. i have the bridge of the song and i kinda have the chorus. once i have it all figured out i'll post it here so everyone can see and be dazzled by my amazing talent and whatnot.
im hungry...
-goes to make fruit salad-
---
so im wondering if its possible to consume healthy food in such a way that it becomes unhealthy...?
for instance every morning i wake up shower and do all that stuff then i make my breakfast which usually consists of fruit, or granola-y cereal, or a healthy breakfast bar. i also take a daily multivitamin and wash it all down with milk [enriched with more calcium because i sometimes add stawberry nesquik; another guilty pleasure of mine]. lunch is normally something vegetarian like soy burgers [or some other meat substitute] or a hearty sandwhich and fruit juice, and then dinner is almost always soup or salad or something. the point being that maybe im overdoing all the nutrients a bit. the multivitamin PLUS all the "good food"... is it possible that put together they might be doing me some harm...?
-musing-
i dont want to die... maybe i will eat cake for dinner tonight
fml
aj just told me he "wants me back" for want of a better phrase
im not entirely sure how i feel about that...
let me start from the beginning
sunday
hadnt heard from aj pretty much all day. im about to start getting ready for bed so i decide to call him while i do that. he doesnt pick up. strange. oh well, i get snuggled up in my covers and call beccabooskii for our nightly phone call. we get to talking about how i feel as if i might be falling in love with aj and how im on edge everytime he "disappears" on me [like when hes drawing someone or not by his phone or something] and it drives me crazy because hes all i ever thought about and i cared so much about him that if anything were to happen to him it would hurt me deeply. i just wanted to be there for him. to be his. you know how it goes. anyway, we both decided that it shouldnt be becca that i should be saying all that too but rather aj. so i called him again.
he picks up. i tell him and he COMPLETELY misunderstands me. like in every possible way shape or form. i told him that i loved him and all i wanted was one simple reassurance that he loved me too then we could walk off into the sunset together and he thought i was somehow questioning his love for me, or insinuating that he was just a kid who didnt know how he felt or what he wanted from life. he got really upset and got off the phone. i kept on coercing him into calling me until he did so. then i explained to him that id never experienced such unconditional love before and i was just SCARED [yes i admitted to being AFRAID] that he was just going to wake up one day and change his mind. then id be crushed. he told me:
"well i think i just did"
and hung up
when i tell you i have never cried so much in my life i mean it.
the whole night
i just sat on the couch in my living room staring at the phone thinking that he was somehow just going to realize what i had been trying to tell him and call me to straighten things out
didnt happen
next thing i know its 2 in the afternoon
no sleep
monday
monday i spent pretty much begging aj not to just let things go over such a misunderstanding. he rejected me and told me maybe we could hold off until he moved to orlando for college
next year
devastated
thats what i was
didnt think it was possible to cry anymore
it happened anyway
tuesday
i kept telling myself over and over again that he didnt love me
regardless if it was the truth or not
i felt such overwhelming guilt that i hadnt treasured every time he told me he loved me. every time i joked when he was trying to be serious. it was killing me.
by telling myself he didnt care i hoped to desensitize myself and make myself get over him
it didnt work
i even went as far as to try to reach out to my mum. i told her "mum my heart... its breaking" she told me "dont even try to talk to me about that. whatever it was it wasnt love. its not possible. you know that i hate that you think youre gay."
no more tears that night
it stung my eyes way too much and i kept losing my contacts
wednesday
see blog #1
thursday
he tells me he wants me back
just when i was starting to heal [not really]
what the hell am i supposed to say
OFCOURSE i still love him
im even still IN love with him, but im scared. what are things going to be like now? if i decide to try and forget the past couple of days and be his again will things be the same? strained? will i still be able to kiss him? or let him hold me? and whats going to happen after the summer is over and we both go to school
its love but... but is it worth it?
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