Innocence @ MindSay 
love
Wendy and Jacob were smiling as their baby crawled across the floor.
The relatives were filing in and grandma stood at the door.
Their little boy Dusty opened his present, a fluffy teddy bear in a bow-tie suit.
Jake's cousin Brian had shot his first pheasant, their Christmas dinner was won in pursuit.
They all sang their carols across the town and drank lots of eggnog and wine.
That one Christmas was without a frown, and Jake's cancer was supposedly benign.
---
Wendy sits in the living room, sighing, as her little boy watches T.V.
Wendy's head hits the table, crying, and Dusty tilts his head to see.
"Mommy why are you sighing?"
"Dusty, just watch TV"
"Mommy why are you crying?"
"Honey, Just let it be"
Dusty held up his old toy teddy bear, to show it had been torn.
Wendy knew life wasn't fair, and that old toy was worn,
But she couldn't afford to buy him a new one and she didn't know how to sew.
In just three week's Jacob would be done, and there'd be no more chemo.
---
The policewoman held Dusty from his mother, and she lied cold on the floor.
Some dirty pimp had smothered her, and on her chest carved the word "Whore!".
Without Jacob around and his 6 figure job, she just couldn't pay for food or rent.
As the coroner came Dusty continued to sob and policemen came and went.
He was driven to his cousin's when his aunt came up, but he begged for his old teddy bear.
It was covered in blood and she had to say, "Dusty, it has to stay there"
He screamed and he hollered and he pounded and he shouted, and he asked, "Why does it happen to me?"
As his aunt looked back to console him she doubted that he'd ever believe this the land of the free.
Evil exists in every dark crevice, and sometimes disguises itself in light. It can wrap its thick claws around you and suck the life out of your soul. I've never realized this so much before until now. There really is true evil in this world and it's waiting for the destruction of innocence.
Part of this understanding is talking with real life Doms and subs, who have started to guide me. The BDSM lifestyle can be very very dangerous. Women smarter and more experienced than me have been roped into negative relationships, and beaten senselessly. How easy would it be for someone to take advantage of me, even in general?
That's the way Dave was. He took advantage of me..
I need to start protecting myself and really thinking about safety. I think that's why my parents have been so careful. It's truly a dangerous world. But my issue is understanding if I'm ready to take care of myself. I think I need to start learning how.
with the sky on thier fingertips
Moving stars .. streaking paths across the sky
The stars twinkling.. as if trembling at the touch
of those soft innocent hands that mean so much
The sky will never be the same again
Nor will be this world
for the hands have spoken
in whispers unheard.
The site that I frequent - which is free, which explains why I signed up in the first place - features the following variety of woman:
-Uber-geek, cool chick who's into video games and other esoteric stuff I go crazy for. Sometimes she's way into punk or metal, sometimes her musical tastes are more mild or broad like mine. Usually with dark hair and piercings.
-Sports chick/party girl, usually way too hot for me and with a personality I couldn't stomach if I had to sit down and have a drink with her.
-Really driven, mature go-getter looking for same
-Young moms.
Most often, I contact type 1, get contacted by type 4, and have no interaction with type 2. Type 3 and I have had a bit of a fling but nothing really material.
Now, when arbitrarily contacting a girl who has no initial desire to meet you - an uphill battle to be sure - what you need is a catchy opener. Most of the girls specify "Don't just say hey whats up" and the rest just think it. So I have to actually read the profile (which I was going to anyway) and come up with something witty/intriguing to say based on something they say there. On the 50/50 chance they reply, I find myself having to lead the conversation. I ask the question, she gives the straightforward answer and turns it back to me. Which I guess makes sense because she need not put much effort in because they didn't ask for the conversation (apart from y'know, getting a profile on said website.)
This is, of course, because women are unaccustomed to making the first move. According to a stat, women make first contact only 20% of the time, and my estimate is that it's all those aforementioned moms. While I'm good enough when need be in person, I have a really damned tough time being clever and appealing in a first message online. I get flustered and type stupid shit. But enough about me.
Anyway, there are a number of crazy-ass observations I have regarding this process, but most of them are too depressing to make decent material. It's just really frustrating and tough. At the end of it all, my main problem is that it seems like most of these girls are looking for me...
"I'm looking for someone who's smart and sensitive and not afraid to let me show my goofy/dorky side. Someone who can make me laugh. Looks aren't even that important, I think it's more important to have a great personality although obviously there should be some attraction. I'm not here for a one night stand and if you can't spell or have pictures of yourself shirtless please don't even bother."
But anyway. My frustration with the site boils down to the difficulty a guy like me - who has enough anxiety about meeting girls without having time to double-check spelling - has in actually successfully interacting with these lovely young ladies and not making himself look like a spastic weirdo.
Well maybe some would say I'm a spastic weirdo anyway. The point is, my self-destructive exposure to this site has really highlighted my general boredom and loneliness, compounded by this frustration.
As always, it comes down to a sighing admission that Scotto wants a girl, but can't seem to get the attention of one, possibly because he's a mentally-degenerating overanalytical fool.
Oh well. If I was any good with women, I wouldn't have much to write about.
Well, keep on rockin'
-Scott
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