Individuality @ MindSay 
This took the shape of racial abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and in a few instances...physical abuse.
I became involved with somebody at a time when I really didn't love myself. My ex and his family, as well as his friends, behaved in ways that deeply hurt me. My psyche had already been scarred by years of cruelty from my stepfather, my aunt, and numerous others.
I love and adore my fiance dearly. He loves me...despite the fact that I'm not blonde, blue-eyed, or white. I grew up believing that that was (and is) the only way to be beautiful. I still suffer with that on a daily basis. I do have white skin, but I'm considered "non-white" by racists of all colors.
Lately, I've decided to relinquish the power that other people have had over my ability to love myself.
My sense of self-worth should NOT be determined by others anymore. How I live my life is entirely up to me. I do care about my mother and my fiance, but not even they have the right to run my life or control me. I want to be able to smile at the woman in the mirror and be cool with her.
I pity people who ruin the lives of others by making them feel like shit. It really is funny how people think it is perfectly OK to tell me to my face that I'm "ugly", "stupid", whatever insult they can come up with. But if I express my personal feelings or opinions in a kind way, they don't like it.
I've spent most of my life looking for love and acceptance outside of myself. It never occurred to me that I really am a wonderful person. Not perfect, but then who is? I don't need the approval or acceptance of others anymore because I'm starting to look within. I've been surrounded by people who filled my life and my mind with hurtful actions and hateful words. Now is the time to look out for #1.
It will be difficult convincing myself that I am NOT ugly, worthless, inferior, and bad. But I know I can do it. It simply hurts to know that there are people out there just like me who are being made to feel this way. This world is literally overflowing with pain.
To any young girl in an abusive relationship of any kind, as I once was...end it. Remember, abuse isn't always physical. Sometimes it starts when he tells you that you're stupid. Makes you feel unworthy and unlovable. Laughs at your expense. Never treats you with the respect you deserve. Defiles your body. You need to realize that YOU have the power and the ability to make decisions that will benefit your life. You are beautiful, special, and worthwhile. Sex should never be a tool to catch or keep love. If conflict within your home is driving you to seek acceptance outside, then you need to look within yourself. Hindsight is 20/20. If I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have become involved with my ex.
I still have to live with my stepfather despite being engaged. He has made a conscious effort to be a better person, but his abusive behavior still haunts me. I don't understand people who mistreat the children of their spouse. Looking back, there was no justification for the way I was treated. I wasn't a perfect kid but I was lovable. Apparently, most people didn't think so and it showed in the way they treated me. My stepfather constantly belittled me. I was lazy, rude, dumb, fat, ugly. He made sexual comments about parts of my body. He objectifies all women and back then he would have all this pornographic material in the house. No one cared about my feelings. No one listened. If I ever tried to open up and share how I felt, people dismissed me. I was called a liar and a whore after being raped at 12. An older guy, about 19 or 20, forced himself on me in the bathroom of a hotel in the summer of 1996 while my cousin and her friends were in the next room. No one tried to stop him. My cousin told me never to tell. I've lived a life of secrets, denial, and sadness.
I've always been the "weird" girl. No one ever looked at me and saw potential. School was terrible. Over the years, I came to identify with people like myself...those who were marginalized, ridiculed, and otherwise on the sidelines. I eventually did become a compulsive liar out of my need to create a better life for myself. I was ashamed of having a learning disability. I was ashamed of being multiracial and being ridiculed for the few "ethnic" features that I had. I was ashamed of being unemployed, not by choice but by circumstances beyond my control. I was ashamed of my sexuality. I was ashamed of my body. I hated being my mother's only child. I was lonely. I hated not having anyone to relate to.
I lied to my fiance when I first met him about what I did for a living. I wasn't trying to impress him or anything. I think I lied because deep down, I was ashamed of myself. And I never knew that he would ever be with somebody like me anyway. Well, I think that over time he realized that I had been dishonest about that...but I believe that in some small way, he sees that I am a good person. There are times when I feel misunderstood by him, but he is a pretty wonderful guy. He will never be able to relate to my struggles, unfortunately...but that is the only real problem between us. He never had to hide anything or recover from horrendous damage to his self-worth. Sometimes when people lie, it is to create the illusion that their lives aren't so bad after all. They're really lying to themselves and this is what I did.
I don't want my issues to drive him away or turn him off. I want to be able to love myself and care for myself. No matter what anyone says or does, I want to be fine with me. My sense of self-worth has been eroded for years. Now I want to reclaim my dignity. I want to affirm who I am and reject external influences that only stunt my growth as an individual. I think I'll rebuild myself starting here and now. I need to know that even if my relationship with him fails or he decides not to marry me, I'll still be OK. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to love my hair despite all the racist comments and hostility. I want to love myself inside out.
While sifting through the Internet in an attempt to gather information for a report, I stumbled upon an article in the China Daily (link): a Chinese person’s evaluation of China’s innovation and his/her suggestions on how to improve the situation.
Here’s a juicy snippet: “Chinese culture generally curbs creativity and innovation. In our society, official authority is never to be challenged. Starting from kindergarten, children are trained to follow the rules. Our education system is based on rote learning. Even in our postgraduate studies, the teacher is always right. Admittedly we have changed. Yes, quite a lot in many areas. But let's face it, we are still a conformist society.”
That was posted in several official communist news websites. In the push for innovation, the Chinese government admits that its entire education system is faulty—and beyond that, their entire society is conformist. It seems that China is willing to accept faults when it is ready to deal with them.
The author of the article goes on to say that “a highly individualistic society like the United States” isn’t necessarily the answer. The suggested answer to China’s creativity woes lies in tolerance. The author harks back to China’s history to make the point: “According to Professor Robert Temple, visiting professor of the history and philosophy of science at Tsinghua University, over the past 3,000 years, Chinese inventions were on the average 1,223 years ahead of the West. This can prove once and for all that creativity and innovation have nothing to do with individualism, and that China is capable of inventing things well in advance of others. China does not have to pursue the adversarial and expansionist strategy typical of an individualistic society.”
The idea is that there is more than one route to creativity. America’s vaunted individualism is only coincidently related to innovation. This is because the real source of innovation, proven by China’s past, is tolerance. (Can I mention the fact that “highly individualist” might just be a pseudonym for “democracy”? And that this barely disguised attack on democracy relies on nothing bearing any resemblance to logic? But the point of this article does not lie in assaulting this author’s line of reasoning.)
The author asserts that China, in the past, was a “highly inclusive and tolerant” society. It is not such any longer. And tolerance, not individualism, is the key to innovation. This is because tolerance will allow people to break out of a conformist social mindset, and thus innovate. The essay concludes with a plea: “Start with our children. Teach them that getting into university is not the only objective of studying, and that rote learning is not the only way to study. Give them the ability to think critically, and let them challenge the authorities. Tolerate those who think and act somewhat differently from most of us, and leave them alone to do their own things. Let our children know that making money is not the be-all and end-all.”
Though I may have a hard time with some of the author’s logic and wording (I admit that this may simply be an issue of translation), I do find this article very interesting. The Chinese have officially stated what everyone says about Chinese creativity. The education system and the attitudes behind it need to change. Rote learning is not the only way to learn and it is ok to question authority. In other words, the Chinese need to become more tolerant—but most certainly not more individualistic.
Happy Mother's Day!
.... I got into the spirit... bought a lovely wordy card for my mother who lives miles and miles away and got one for my .... well "boyfriend" sounds so juvenile and well "significant other" so fake and "husband" so final and "common-law husband" is just to damn long... I always have a difficult time defining his status - well anyway you get the picture - a card for his mother.
Sometimes I feel as though I need to breathe... not like that exhale shit! But to reconnect with the me before I became connected with him! 
Either that or I am having a hard time coping with birthdays! Maybe I am getting old .... thinking old...acting aged!
Heck, I probably need to just go out and get on bad! It has been awhile! My girlfriend and I had decided that every month a group of us would go out, no men allowed! It was working fine... especially when she and her man was in limbo but honestly, come to think of it.... now that he is back (as if he ever really left) that concept has faltered by the wayside!
everyone is wrapped up in something and if I keep waiting for company, for commitment, for change... nothing is going to happen... it starts and ends with me afterall it is my life! The only one I've got and I might as well enjoy it.... make something of it... and leave a positive mark!
The lid has finally opened... Nike was right!
Now that deserves a vodka and cranberry juice or hell, I'll settle for a beastly cold beer!
Anyway.... thank you mama for the nine months you carried me!
And to all out there raising the future on your own (single father/mother) .... auntie or granny.... HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!
PS my sister is having a baby... due in October!
I'm taking bets .... boy or girl?
RELEASE ISN'T IT GRAND!
I am who I am...I make no apologies for this...If anyone disagrees with me, so what, opinions are like assholes....everyone has one....I have plenty of likes and dislikes, but I NEVER criticize or ridicule anyone for being who they are...why is it that many, many, people are judgmental asswipes?....I dont know...Our world would be less full of shit if peole concerned themselves more with themselves than with others, cause the only thing you can change in this world is yourself...why do people need to be a follower? why not try to be a leader, an individual, why conform to the standards set for you by others?
this is why some people hate me...im not gonna follow their bullshit games...
I make my own way....
N
Imagine my surprise when I was leaving almost 5 hours later. I clearly hadn't planned on staying that long, but I was having a good time. Of course, near the end of the night, things started to get odd. As my coworkers got more alcohol in them, they became more and more willing to discuss how they were going to change me to make me more like them. Okay, "discuss" is a kind word. There were more willing to tell me how they were going to change me, and through that, how they were going to get me married.
Most of their suggestions were bunk. Most of their suggestions involved throwing out any individuality and uniqueness. I told them that by doing these things, I'd actually be in disguise as someone that I clearly wasn't. They said that I'd still be me, but I'd be presenting someone different. "So I'd be lying? Putting up a front?" I asked. They were unwilling to commit to the word "lie", but did admit that I was putting on a show. I refused to do any of these things.
They did have one really good suggestion. They said I needed a pair of black Dr. Martens, because my brown ones, while nice, don't go with every outfit. I breathed a big reluctant sigh and admitted defeat. They all smiled big with their victory over me. They were quite happy that they were helping. What they don't know is that I've been looking for a certain style of Docs in my size for about 2 months now. Wouldn't it be great if my shoe store finally got them in stock? By buying the shoes now, I could get the shoes that I wanted AND give my coworkers the impression that I got them because of their coaxing. A victory for them; that really isn't one.
Showing 1 - 5. [ Next ]
