Independence @ MindSay

My ex-boyfriend is African-American.   I happen to be multiracial, of partial Caribbean ancestry.   His younger sister is also mixed but doesn't quite look it, with the exception of having the stereotypical "mixed" curls.  She looks and behaves like a stereotypical AA...just that she appears to be mixed with some type of Hispanic/Latin strain.   Her mother has curly red hair and green eyes.  

 

 

My ex and pretty much everyone in his family was very dark.   They were all black, both in phenotype and culture.   They also had issues when it came to skin color.   His father is a nice person, but suffers from delusions of his own ideas about the way other people should identify.   This is a person in his 60's who talks about "good hair" and makes some extremely foolish statements.   We still talk on the phone once in a while.   I like him as a person.   He doesn't mean anything by it, he's simply uneducated.   He is nicer than his son (my ex), but I cannot deal with people who say things that make no sense.  

 

 

My ex's mom had some pretty severe problems, too.   My ex's father (her husband) once told me that her grandmother was "whiter" than me, therefore I had no business calling myself mixed.   Jessie thought she was light-skinned.   She bleached her straightened hair platinum blonde and had the worst attitude.    I'm sorry for talking about people, but she was a conceited bitch.   My life has been slightly better since I decided to not deal with destructive/toxic influences anymore.

 

 

Speaking of which, this is something else that bother me...another pet peeve of mine is when people feel like they have the right to ridicule me and make personal attacks like you wouldn't believe.   Nearly EVERYONE I have come into contact with is like this.   When my ex did it, it took the shape of verbal and emotional abuse.    As much as I love my fiance, there's still that fear looming in the back of my mind that one day he'll be annoyed and lash out at me.  

This is pretty much how my life has been.   I have no friends besides my fiance.     I've learned to accept the fact that I'm simply unlovable and unworthy to most people.    My whole life, it has been painfully obvious.   

 

 

I can't speak my mind because no one cares or understands my point of view.   I've lost so-called "friends" because they decided that they were better than me, I was weird, etc....they had all kinds of excuses (oops, I meant REASONS) as to why they didn't want my friendship anymore.   

Randall said that I'll meet people when I switch to my new university campus.    Hopefully I will...but I've learned to not expect too much.   FIU is really no different from high school.   I'm in the middle of finals this week.   I just want school and my shitty life to be over.    Seriously.    

 

 

 

What I like about my fiance is the fact that he isn't cruel.    He can be a bit insensitive to my needs, he treats me like a kid, but he isn't a cruel person.    He has never really tried to hurt me intentionally.     That is what I value most in him.    I wonder if we're compatible sometimes because he doesn't always get me.    My other pet peeve is being misunderstood, BTW.     I don't feel like he realizes my need for independence.    I don't want to spend the next 5 to 10 years rotting away in Florida.   Vancouver was so wonderful.    I was so depressed when we had to leave.    :(

 

 

He seems to think that school will be my ticket out of this insanity.    I'm not sure.   I've never met any truly nice people here that I can relate to.    This was the ugly truth/harsh reality I had to face upon my return to Miami after only 3 days in Vancouver.    I feel so lost and alone.    Sure, I met a terrific guy last year and now I'm engaged.    But the sadness never goes away.    I never feel AT HOME anywhere.    I never quite feel secure or loved.   He helps me a little bit with his soothing words and the way he holds me.    I just want a second chance at life.    I want a stable home life, a loving family, children, pets.   

I want to be a happy and productive person with something to look forward to.   My mom is right...I'm still VERY hurt by my stepfather's behavior towards me.    Who wouldn't be?    

 

 

I don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life being unhappy.    I want to be able to confront my mistakes and my tormentors.    I want a little country home that I can fill with babies, smiles, fun, knicknacks, and memories.    I want to be able to feel settled.    I need to know that I'll be OK.   I want to help my mom with her problems.   I need to know that I can be loved.    I need to fill this void in my life with love and acceptance.  

 Happy 4th everybody, and thanks to all the troops, past present and future, for keeping the Dream alive. Thank you!

 

Matt

 

Be Excellent

 

 

And Griffey hit #604 today too, what a great day!

Living on my own this last week has been quite an adventure. I know, I know. It’s only a week. But it’s amazing the difference a week can make. My mom and I are getting along like civil human beings for the first time in ages. I’m finding that yeah, I can do it myself. My kitchen is spotless, my clothes are clean. My animals get fed, my bed might not get made, but it’s still sleep-inable. I can’t believe it’s only been a week. It feels like ages. I’ve spent a good part of almost every day so far with Nick. In fact, the only day I didn’t see him at all was the day we left for San Francisco. But I talked to him for most of the day. And I might not see him today, but seeing as he knows when I work and that I had no plans, I don’t think it’s likely. It’s just really nice. Doesn’t everyone say so? But it is. Not that this is particularly important on a surface level, but my friends (my roommate, no less) love him and totally 100% approve. And on that note, he doesn’t mind hanging out with my friends or me hanging out with his friends. Of course, it’s not any more or less awkward when it’s just us. It’s really nice. And he’s absolutely adorable. He finds excuses to touch me at work, but not in a sleazy way at all. It’s stuff like ruffling my hair when I take off my visor or letting his hand linger a little bit when we both work the pour station. And saying goodbye takes hours. He’s such a sweetheart. I’m so glad I (god, I sicken myself) found him.
I promise, I’ll find something more cynical to talk about next post. I hate how mushy I sound. Is this how happy people sound when they think? Ugh, shoot me! I sound like a teenage romance novel. However, I still am a teenager. I suppose I get leave to be a little childish.
The ironic part is while I sound so incredibly sappy in these posts, it’s not sappy at all. A lot of our time is spent engrossed in really deep conversation or really random talks about what we do and don’t like about a particular subject. Or stargazing. In the most cliché sense, we stargaze. We find constellations, make up our own, and point them out to each other. But I love it.
Anyway, now that I’ve gushed for too long, Happy Independence Day! Just remember, this is the celebration of the day we declared independence from Britain and tyranny, not the day we achieved it. Not sure if we have yet, come to think of it. Anyway, food for thought.

 

Yasser Abed Rabbo is a top aide of Palestine Authority terrorist President Mahmoud Abbas. He has recently quipped that Palestinians are better than the Muslims of Kosovo which just became a recognized sovereign nation in the Balkans area of Europe. Rabbo is reported as saying the Arabs that call themselves Palestinians should unilaterally declare their independence as well.

 

The BBC News story I read this at made sure to use all the pro-Arab/Palestine words such as “occupied.” The story is also slanted to promote sympathy for the cough victimized Arabs that call themselves Palestinians.

 

In case anyone was wondering there was no such thing as a land called Palestine after 1948. That year Israel declared independence and various Arab nations (notably Egypt, Syria and (then) Transjordan (now) Jordan) invaded the new independent nation of Israel. The land that was supposed to be a Palestinian State for Arabs became a part of the sovereign Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.

 

In 1967 Jordan was part of a greater Arab plan preparing to invade and dismantle Israel. The obvious troop movements indicated the imminent invasion was on the way. Israel chose not to be a victim and simply preemptively attacked Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Jordan. What became known as the Six Day War became a complete victory for Israel occupying the Sinai Peninsula from Egypt, the Golan Heights from Syria and most importantly the uniting of a divided Jerusalem and what the West calls the West Bank and Israel calls Judea and Samaria.

 

The land won from aggressor Jordan has been considered part of traditional Jewish land from their historical perspective. It was land acquired by right of victory of Jordan. The land was not taken from Palestinians, it was taken from Jordan. The holy city Jerusalem was finally united under Jewish sovereignty.

 

Now here is the thing: Rabbo says the Palestine Authority should unilaterally declare a sovereign nation and call it Palestine just as Kosovo did. Kosovo was a province of Serbia of which 90% of the primary ethnic group is Albanians and over 70% of the Kosovo population is Muslim. Serbia did not want to allow Kosovo independence; however American support became the leading factor toward Kosovo independence.

 

Rabbo has the view if Muslim Kosovo gained sovereign independence from a nation which did not wish to allow it to happen, then the global powers of America and the EU should guarantee a similar sovereignty to a Palestine State.

 

You know what? I don’t think that is such a bad idea. Probably not in the same way as the PA/PLO leadership views it; however I think Palestine declaring itself a nation unilaterally with the land the currently possess is not a bad idea.

 

Here is my scenario. Israel has all of Jerusalem. A unilateral declaration of independence will not change that. Unless Israel and Palestine work out an economic and resource package, Palestine would be on their own to figure that out. Their Arab neighbors should step up to the plate for that anyway.

 

Here is my thinking of a probable outcome of Palestinian independence. The Palestinians would acquire weapons from Russia or China or worse – from North Korea. The thugs that are leaders in Palestine will inspire their constituency to have animosity toward Israel. I suspect a combined Palestine, Syria and Hezbollah (nation within a nation) will do something foolish because of the results of the last Israel VS Hezbollah war in Lebanon. Then Israel dismantles the new Palestinian State, maybe even chasing the ding dongs that supported the thug Palestinian government into Jordan or Syria.

 

Time will tell.