Im Scared @ MindSay 
scared for school
how we met: He used to be a customer at the store I worked at and we always said hi and whatnot but never talked. I mean this guy has an amazing body and I assumed he was a meat head. Well i was on OKCupid the other night and I saw someone made a new profile in my area and it was him! I debated for 10 minutes whether or not to talk to him but I decided to, even though i was insecure, and we talked a long time. Every night since then we'd talk for at least 2 hours, and then we went on the date last night
the date: well my date last night was excellent. I got there before him because the place was hard to find and neither one of us had been before. I was so nervous driving because when I get scared my chest hurts and my head hurt and sometimes my back sweats but fortunately I didnt sweat. anyhoo, he pulled up and I was so scared but he gave me a hug and I felt a little better. We had to wait 30 minutes for a table but we had fun talking outside and he kept touching my leg but it was ok with me. We had baked brie and bruchetta (I spelled this wrong I think) which was amazing! I had some sort of shishkabob thing which was nice but the dessert was awesome. It was creme brulee cheesecake. orgasmic-ness.
anyhoo, moving on. Halfway through or meal and conversation he asked to see my hands, and I was surprised andhe just held my hands, and played with them tracing the lines in my palms and whatnot. It was really nice ^_^ and then when we were done and were just sitting and talking I had put my feet up next to him and he started massaging my feet.
We then drove over in his car to Barnes and Noble so he could get some coffee. As we were walking up to it he turned to me and held my hands and looked like he was going to kiss me, but I got scared and layed my head on his chest. When I drew back to look at him he kissed me and even though I was scared I really liked it and then we went inside. He grabbed an iced tea, and then we sat outside on a bench and made out/cuddled for over an hour. I hate making out, but I love kissing him. At one point I was trying to lift his shirt up to see his 8 pack, but he wouldnt let me and we got in a tickle fight on a bench which was very amusing. At one point I was straddled across his lap kissing him, but I was just manipulating him into staying longer.
After a good amount of time had passed I released him and we got in his car and drove back over to where mine was. We made out some more/ there was some groping and slight boobage. I got out of his car to get my camera out of mine, and when I turned around I kissed him and then he picked me up and pinned me against the car with my legs around his waist. He was able to hold me over 10 minutes and wasnt tired at all. He's an amazing kisser <3
finally I forced myself to say goodbye and I drove home.
why do i try so hard? i mean, nothing is gonna change..egh. i dont like this anymore, i wish there was a way to fix it but the doctors and scientists havent come up with a solution yet..i hope there is a YET.
i havent updated lately because idk what to say..ive been thinking about alot lately and im so confused and hurt and just about anything but happy. the only time im happy is like, when i am around 3-4 certain ppl..i hate it.
blah, life is gross and its just a game that no one wins in the end..we all die. some die worst then others and everyone says, "thats the way life is." or "thats the way life goes."
um, i will definatly update when i come home from the mall and let you know if anything happened..hey, maybe i will get lucky and see a friend and hang out with them..who knows what the day will bring..hopefully something good and happy..i need to feel happy...i like it.
i talked to farron tonite at the pool, he is leaving for the marines on sunday..thats sad because i barely got to know the guy..but what i do know of him, he was a great guy and alot of ppl are gonna miss him.
i have to go back to the doctors for like the hundreth time this summer..blah. there is something wrong with my leg its killin me. mom said the doctors called about my blackouts and dizziness, the bloodwork came back fine, if it keeps happening i gotta get x-rays and MRI's and a bunch of other scarey stuff. i hate goin by myself.
um, i think thats about it..well, my day was simple..pool, hugs, getting wet, home internet w/andrew and sami, stays up all nite, gotta get up at 10-1030 for a shower then shopping.
Kj..idk anymore, my body is tired, and my knees are weak, my head says to stop but my heart always skips a beat..but only around you. your rite, you have that gift..remember? :'-(
ps - There is nothing i want more, then to feel like you really care about me..even if your not my "boyfriend." You dont need that title to care for me.
yeah so what! i miss being his little girl! we both do :'-(
and i f*kin know he misses us too, dont you tell me :'-(
"Trace the scars to fit the pieces...to tell your story, you don't need to say a word."
Hah. Dashboard Confessional. We all know what happens when I'm on a Dashboard kick. Well, I sure do.
"You were not made to stand and fight, there's something better wrong with you.."
I decided not to tell everyone right away the details of what I did last night. But since I'm in a sharing mood, I'll tell. After I got off the computer I went and took a shower...and cut. Usually after this I feel very anxious and paranoid, so I went outside and sat on my swing. I smoked a cigarette or two, I don't remember exacts. This was when I lit my hair on fire. But as sitting on that swing, you'd never imagine the kind of stuff I was saying. I called myself every name in the book, kept reminding myself how incredibly pathetic I was, and I started putting myself down for being so cautious all the fucking time.
The fact that I'm the biggest fucking goody goody I know pisses me off. I've taken so many chances this year, why the hell is anything holding me back now? Summer's coming. I'm supposed to be more free. I'm supposed to go out and live. I'm supposed to grow. But no, what do I do? Bitch to my friends inviting me to do that about it. Bitch that it's not my scene. Bitch about everything. That's all I am anymore, the stupid goody goody who bitches about everything to the point where her friends start to get annoyed. The one who's too scared to see what her mother would do if she got caught sneaking into a friend's window just a bit intoxicated. The one who's too scared to tell her secrets, the one who's too scared to do anything. That's all I am. S-C-A-R-E-D. I'm scared of everything to come in my life. The past week I was threatened with so much I'm scared to move an inch and do something wrong. So I back down from living for a while. But you really want to know what I'm scared of?
I'm scared of who I'm becoming. Everyone is right. The past couple months, I have changed. I put my happy mask back on. I put back up the wall of lies that sheltered me for so long and I started hiding behind it again.
Part of myself loves seeing myself like this. A emotional mess hidden behind a wall of smiles. I laugh at myself just because I know I deserve to be miserable in every sense.
You know what the last thing I'm scared of? Posting this entry.
*takes a deep breath and clicks "Publish Entry"..*