I Ruin Things @ MindSay

i think i ruined it all. or maybe there was nothing to ruin.

but i sure feel horrible now.

so we spent the afternoon together. it was fantastic. and... i lost my virginity. *collective gasp!*

it was worth it. it was everything i wanted it to be and more.

then i had to go... of course i was sad. i knew it'd be the last time i'd see him in months.

but i was still content.

then i get a text from his ex, that he just told her all about it and he said i fucked someone else too

and she didn't want me to get hurt. she even called me and explained things.

so i basically freaked out on him. i was hurt. i thought she was right, i knew she probably was.

and he denied it all, said he liked me so much and that she just wanted to mess things up

and i said i didn't know who to trust.

and he said he was going to stay to be with me. but now it wouldn't be worth it.

this hurt the worst. see, said he was gonna stay for me. and i blew that.

and it hurt. a lot. and i told him i wanted him to stay, and he said he already told his mom he would go.

i knew from the start he was going back, and there was no real chance

but this made me feel like i threw away my chance, at, idk, love or something

so it hurts, still.

but i'm getting over it.

because jason said i got played. which i think i pretty much did.

he pointed out that if he was really gonna stay for me, he would have told me earlier

so when i think about it, i probably was just another hook up for him.

he was in town for a week, won me over, got in my pants

so now i can either be pissed, or be sad. maybe some of both.

i don't regret it, though. i enjoyed myself.

and the only thing i ever asked was when i lost my virginity, it was to someone who i cared about

and i did/do care about him. i may have even possibly loved him. i just told him so.

maybe i'll scare him away with the L word. i think it'd hurt less, then.

i'm tearing up, damn it. i hate crying.

such a bittersweet summer fling...

It seems always in March and April, that things always start going bad or really worse you know. Especially when it gets around my birthday and all. April 17th by the way. I can't remember the last time I did really anything for my birthday and all. Then you have MArch 31st, Emil's death being 10 years ago coming up, than his birthday is April 1st. He would have been 29 to 30 that day. I have two amazing brothers ahead of me, left huge shadows of great examples. I don't even know how to compare or overcome soemthing like taht. I know they didn't mean it or my parents. But I'm always being compared, being the youngest, I was more babied and spoiled now I have to acheive things.  I really do wonder what Emil would be doing at a time like this, my heart aches quite a bit, because I haven't been able to do great  or move foward, and there's others who look to me when they need it the most, yet I tell them things I shouldn't and been ruining relationships. This life has always been  very difficult, trying to combat it everyday killing me so badly. I'm just going to have to rant for a a bit.

I still got get a new tag for the car, got to do my taxes, gotta come up with a plan for school. You know, I think I'm really deciding against the SATs... I mean, I did take them twice and it didn't really improve my grades. It's not a bad idea to take them, but the time... The freaking time I need, especially when it comes to me. It takes me longer to learn things than everybody else. It's seems all the people who who somewhat have common sense are the ones who suffer and end up hurting themselves and especially everyone around them. What to do what to do.. I can't see anything ahead of me right now, what is out there. I'm so afraid of everything, even when I do share my feelings something goes really wrong. So being truthful hurts, but lies hurt even worse. My dad and brother want me to go back to church, it won't be the same but I probably wouldn't be the person I am if I didn't go to church most of my life. Nothings stable in life right now. How will the luck run out on me. I'll be 22 years old. I'm behind on things and missed a lot of things. I've been playing catch my whole entire life, people don't seem to realize that.

Only I can fix things and I'm the only one who supposely knows himself. But only to extent. Well life continues to go, and I'll have to keep running with it need to new abilities. @_@ Well that's about it nothing else right now.