I Miss You @ MindSay

Hey, foot tattoos hurt.

But also look sick as fuck.

We all miss you so much, Sam.



I still don't believe it.  I hope heaven is amazing, and that your smile is warming hearts up there until we all meet up again.

Going to listen to some Kenny and some Anna Molly and maybe look at some pictures.  It hurts, though.

*If I had known that the last time I saw you would be the last time I'd see you...
I would have told you so much*

I haven't been on here in such a long time, and as I was reading a few of my old but most recent posts--I've realized I haven't really had many things that have sparked an idea to write something. It's kind of sad, actually. I used to love writing, and lived for the moment when I could get online to type up the piece I wrote in class or even just thoughts that came to mind. I don't have a lot of time anymore, and it's not something I like very much either. It's sad to think that life is changing super fast, and I don't have that much time for the things I used to love so much.

 

I graduated highschool with the intent of being able to do a lot of things when I was out of that hell-hole....but I've only become a workaholic, and I've been more involved in that instead. I've started college, and that's taking up a lot of my time, too. I haven't had a lot of time for much other that school and work, and friends are falling out of the picture....although lately--they've been slipping back in, which is awesome!

 

I broke up with Josh at the beginning of October. Since he moved, and I didn't really have the time to be driving down there all the time--I kind of gave up. In a way, it's a great thing becuase now I don't have to worry about all that....but I kind of miss having someone there. I don't regret breaking up with him, because I didn't feel we really meshed anymore. He was trying to pressure me into having sex, which I'm not going to do right now unless I know they're going to stick around....and honestly--the more he tried pushing me--the more I didn't wanna be involved in that shit anyways. He didn't have his license because of DWI's, so it was me who always had to drive everywhere, and he wasn't making any sort of effort to keep things going. I have a life outside of relationships, and I wasn't going to spend every weekend I had off going down to see someone when I knew it probably wouldn't end up lasting longer than a few more months, if that. Josh would try guilting me into coming down there, which wasn't going to happen because I have  a life, too. Now, he got kicked out of where he was living, because he still didn't have a job and couldn't help them with rent or even pay for his cell phone. Soooo yeah. He's stupid.

 

I've met a lot of new people through school, and I'm liking it. They're pretty amazing creatures (I don't know why I used that...but I like that word), and I'm fitting them into my busy schedule whether I like it or not....although it's pretty hard to hate something you cherish so much.

 

My grandpa passing away made a huge difference in my life, and it's made me think about a lot of things a lot. Deerhunting was soooo hard this year, because when we'd come in from hunting--my grandpa would be the first one at the door, and if we didn't have many deer by the end of the first time out hunting--he'd tell us to shoot anything. There was no oxygen machine running all the time, so it was hard to sleep at night there. It almost felt like I was alone in a crowded room. I miss him so much more now.

 

I have so much more to say, but I need to get to class....and then I work tonight. How fun! : /

 

Later babes!

i need a new layout.

 

so not feeling the butterflies right now.....

My life is so broken right now, I do not see myself picking up the pieces and putting them back together any time soon. I hate having my life in shambles. I miss the days when it was stress free, looking forward to that special girl coming  to see me. I miss not having to worry about whether everyone in my house hates me. I miss that special girl, though i see her almost everyday. I miss being able to call her mine. I just miss my life being stable. I don't know if I will have her to hold in my arms the next time I see her, because I lost her to someone more worthy of her love. To someone who realizes who they have, while they have them. Not after. To someone that wouldn't betray their trust, but cherish it.

I am not worth anyones time, I have come to realize this in the past couple days. I do not deserve to be in the presence of any of my friends, I fear i will just end up hurting them too. I do not deserve to have a loving family, I wish I could just give them to someone who wont take them for granted. I have come to terms with the fact that I fuck up everything good and embrace the bad. I don't know exactly why i do this, all I do know is that I do. Maybe I should seek help? but i have too much pride for that. I should be able to fix my own problems, not rely on some shrink that I have to pay hundreds of dollars an hour. I have come to realize that I run from my problems and exploit others flaws. I don't like to be talked down to, but I find myself talking down to people a lot. I need to do myself a favor, and you a favor and just leave this cruel place. Close my eyes and take a nice long vacation. It will do all some good, It couldn't possibly do anything bad. I hate myself.