it made me feel so good. there were so many things i wanted to say to him and tell him, and as soon as i saw him i forgot all of it. i just felt my heart begin to race and it was so hard for me not to just run to him and hold him. i realized last night that today would be the first day in a week that i'd seen him if we did in fact see each other, because today was the only day we tabled this week. i want to table on monday, too, because i want to tell him that i also want to see him on thursday. i mean, i know he'll read that on here, (he said he came on yesterday and i told him that i'd stopped updating because it hurt to bad to see that he wasn't coming by, and its true), but i want to make sure he hears it in person. the reason why is because the week after is spring break and i won't be seeing him again until maybe the 24th at the earliest. i know that we're not supposed to see each other, but it would make me feel really good if he went to cyn n was like, "fuck you, we only saw each other once last week, i've barely been on her blog, and she wants to see me one more time before spring break." i know he won't do it cuz he's her bitch, but i would really appreciate it because its true. its been so hard for me to fight the urge to call him, and this morning when i missed him going to class, it made me start to feel worried about him. maybe he WAS in the hospital in no one told me for some fucked up reason. (yea, i'm crazy) this week has been so hard for me, and i actually got to talk to him a little bit about it. i told him that i'm on my period again and its been making me think about how the last time i was on my period, things were so different. i told him about how i had dreams with him in them like 5 nights in a row and how that was torture because i need to remember that the person i saw in my dreams isn't the person that actually exists, and i told him about a couple of the dreams i had. they both made him laugh, which wasn't the reaction i expected for one of them, but it was nice to see that i make him happy still. i told him about how i started freaking out and how it hurt really badly to see that he hadn't been by. and i told him the two reasons why yesterday was hard for me. one is because a month ago yesterday was my birthday. the other reason i've written about every year on here- its also my ex's birthday. and every year i think about how he's another year older that day, and how he gets to go on with his pretty little life, living his lies, having gotten away with everything and how he's fine, and yet here i am fucked up. i almost cried when i told him that, and when i first saw him i hugged him and told him, "i've missed you so much," and i was so happy to see him that i almost cried then, too. before he left i hugged him again and told him that it makes me feel good to see him smile when he sees me. he said, "i like seeing you." i said, "it makes me feel like you still care about me." he said he did. i just looked at him and said, "ok." what i really wanted to tell him was, "i wish i believed that," but i just couldn't bring myself to say that.
anyway, there's more i want to say but i need to get going because there's a psych club event tonight at jenna's place. we're watching family guy and playing board games...lol. i made cheeseballs and bought a bottle of hypnotic. i wanted jager, but that would have required hunting someone down to get a key for the case.
i miss her
