I Miss You @ MindSay



 

   
new. coming soon.

i need a new layout.

 

so not feeling the butterflies right now.....

 
 
   
 

Life.
My life is so broken right now, I do not see myself picking up the pieces and putting them back together any time soon. I hate having my life in shambles. I miss the days when it was stress free, looking forward to that special girl coming  to see me. I miss not having to worry about whether everyone in my house hates me. I miss that special girl, though i see her almost everyday. I miss being able to call her mine. I just miss my life being stable. I don't know if I will have her to hold in my arms the next time I see her, because I lost her to someone more worthy of her love. To someone who realizes who they have, while they have them. Not after. To someone that wouldn't betray their trust, but cherish it.

I am not worth anyones time, I have come to realize this in the past couple days. I do not deserve to be in the presence of any of my friends, I fear i will just end up hurting them too. I do not deserve to have a loving family, I wish I could just give them to someone who wont take them for granted. I have come to terms with the fact that I fuck up everything good and embrace the bad. I don't know exactly why i do this, all I do know is that I do. Maybe I should seek help? but i have too much pride for that. I should be able to fix my own problems, not rely on some shrink that I have to pay hundreds of dollars an hour. I have come to realize that I run from my problems and exploit others flaws. I don't like to be talked down to, but I find myself talking down to people a lot. I need to do myself a favor, and you a favor and just leave this cruel place. Close my eyes and take a nice long vacation. It will do all some good, It couldn't possibly do anything bad. I hate myself.
 
 
 

   
Oh, you're like a candle...

Your flame slowly fadin'
Burnin' out and burnin' me







You're bringin' on the heartache

Takin all the best of me
Oh can't you see
You got the best of me
Oh can't you see












i miss you so much
so much
so         
much


 
 
   
 

i saw albert today

it made me feel so good. there were so many things i wanted to say to him and tell him, and as soon as i saw him i forgot all of it. i just felt my heart begin to race and it was so hard for me not to just run to him and hold him. i realized last night that today would be the first day in a week that i'd seen him if we did in fact see each other, because today was the only day we tabled this week. i want to table on monday, too, because i want to tell him that i also want to see him on thursday. i mean, i know he'll read that on here, (he said he came on yesterday and i told him that i'd stopped updating because it hurt to bad to see that he wasn't coming by, and its true), but i want to make sure he hears it in person. the reason why is because the week after is spring break and i won't be seeing him again until maybe the 24th at the earliest. i know that we're not supposed to see each other, but it would make me feel really good if he went to cyn n was like, "fuck you, we only saw each other once last week, i've barely been on her blog, and she wants to see me one more time before spring break." i know he won't do it cuz he's her bitch, but i would really appreciate it because its true. its been so hard for me to fight the urge to call him, and this morning when i missed him going to class, it made me start to feel worried about him. maybe he WAS in the hospital in no one told me for some fucked up reason. (yea, i'm crazy) this week has been so hard for me, and i actually got to talk to him a little bit about it. i told him that i'm on my period again and its been making me think about how the last time i was on my period, things were so different. i told him about how i had dreams with him in them like 5 nights in a row and how that was torture because i need to remember that the person i saw in my dreams isn't the person that actually exists, and i told him about a couple of the dreams i had. they both made him laugh, which wasn't the reaction i expected for one of them, but it was nice to see that i make him happy still. i told him about how i started freaking out and how it hurt really badly to see that he hadn't been by. and i told him the two reasons why yesterday was hard for me. one is because a month ago yesterday was my birthday. the other reason i've written about every year on here- its also my ex's birthday. and every year i think about how he's another year older that day, and how he gets to go on with his pretty little life, living his lies, having gotten away with everything and how he's fine, and yet here i am fucked up. i almost cried when i told him that, and when i first saw him i hugged him and told him, "i've missed you so much," and i was so happy to see him that i almost cried then, too. before he left i hugged him again and told him that it makes me feel good to see him smile when he sees me. he said, "i like seeing you." i said, "it makes me feel like you still care about me." he said he did. i just looked at him and said, "ok." what i really wanted to tell him was, "i wish i believed that," but i just couldn't bring myself to say that.

 

anyway, there's more i want to say but i need to get going because there's a psych club event tonight at jenna's place. we're watching family guy and playing board games...lol. i made cheeseballs and bought a bottle of hypnotic. i wanted jager, but that would have required hunting someone down to get a key for the case.

 
 
 

   
I'm all drawn out
... you've hit me with another brick.
just when i was getting better.
i wish i knew what it meant.

i miss you.
i miss you.
i miss you.

and that not changed for 4 years now.
------------

Mindsay, I love you.
 
 
   
 

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