I Love You @ MindSay

Tonight...he said I love you. 

Not going to lie

this has been the best night I've had..

in a long time.

I love him too.

As crazy and silly as he is....I love it all about him.

I'm the first person he's said I love you too....I've only said it to one other.  Tomorrow or when I get a chance, I'll write more details.  For now it's 2 am.

Heh.

wow.

love.

I love him.

:D

I've come to figure out that love is so different with different people.  Kevin told me last night I love you so much.  I still smile so much when he says it, like I'm so focused on what he said that I kinda just sit there and hold him close and tight and then look up and say I love you too.  :)  We haven't been overusing it at all, which is nice.  I know he feels it, so it makes it nicer and more special everytime he does say it.  It makes my stomach have butterflies...yes I'm lame lol.  And just smile so big.  He called me his spoiled princess last night :) I'm so down for that lol.  Because I think I said thank you for covering me up or something...and said he takes such good care of me :)  Either way I like being a princess - heh I have two crowns at home lol.  Jeez.....I can't believe how happy I am.  It's crazy lol.

Dixie currently feels:

 Unknown

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I don't know how I feel right now.

I'm partially pleased, because I managed to get another 100% on Hard on Guitar Hero 3.

I'm partially glad, because I've finished my Science coursework.

I'm partially dreading, because tonight is the final night of the Easter holidays.

I'm partially lonely, depressed, suicidal, alone, desparate, needing, upset, worried and nervous - my darling Emily needs me, and I need her...

I was woken up by a DOOR this morning.

The window was open in my mam's room, and it was blowing the door, which kept banging open and shut again. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but it did my head in.

So I woke up and tried to ignore it.

Then I snapped, went and slammed the window, slammed the door, and sat down on my bed and sighed at the wonderful silence.

I went downstairs to make myself some lunch.

I made some mini cheeseburgers.

They're so cute.

The buns are soft, the meat is tender, and the cheese is a wonderous processed plastic-y sort of cheese.

They're about an inch and a half in diameter - and I eat them in two medium bites, or three small bites.

I ate those, and some Fridge Raiders, and some Monster Munch - as I watched some KUA.

Then Stephen came online, saying he finally had wi-fi, and he wanted to play on GH3 with me.

He insisted we do an Easy pro-face off.

I groaned so loud.

But he wanted to do TTFAF.

So I picked Raining Blood - and got 99%.

Then we did TTFAF, and I got 99% again.

He wasn't expecting me to do that well - so he was sad.

I was annoyed at hearing that - I'M ON EXPERT.

A phrase I often use now.

"Yeah but... I'M ON EXPERT!" - When a Medium player beats me on a face-off.

"Yeah but... I'M ON EXPERT!" - When someone insults my abilities, when they can't play Expert themselves.

"Yeah but, know what? I'm on EXPERT." - A quick way to own someone in an argument.

Then I lay on my bed for a while, listening to music - mainly Maximum The Hormone - watching more KUA, eating chocolate mousse, and attempting to draw something, which I gave up on.

Then I did my Science coursework, sorted out my backpack, and went to relax on GH3.

Then my darling Emily came on, and we played  a 5-match co-op, me on bass.

I shan't say that I miss Emily - because she's not actually gone.

She's still there, thinking about me... I hope.

If Emily did forget me without a trace, I'd slit my throat right there and then.

It's the biggest fear that weighs over my head.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be absorbed in myself.

Holding conversations with Emily in my mind.

Thinking of her, gazing at her photo in my planner.

I'll sit down my aisle at lunch and write poems for her.

Anything that takes her off my mind is not worth thinking about.

Emily darling...

We're going to have to be patient this time...

We'll have to wait things out...

Please don't forget any of the words I spoke with you...

Any of the files I shared with you.

Any of the secrets I told to you.

Any of the memories we hold together...

I love you Emily... And I always will do.

Don't ever lose sight of that, my darling.

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Today's song lyrics:

When You're Gone - Avril Lavinge

I've never felt this way before...
Everything that I do reminds me of you...
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor...
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do...

When you walk away I count the steps that you take...
Do you see how much I need you right now...?

When you're gone...
The pieces of my heart are missing you...
When you're gone...
The face I came to know is missing too...
When you're gone...
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok...

I miss you...

Dixie currently feels:

Comforting

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Today, my dad bought me a black ink cartridge for my printer.

Today, my mam bought me a tube of PVA glue for my Textiles coursework.

Today, my nana bought me a four-pack of Lovehearts candy.

Lovehearts are small fruit-flavoured candies that seem to melt in your mouth.

On each one, there's a message.

There used to be few messages in them, and you'd get the same message a few times in the same packet.

Between these four packets, I haven't had a single duplicate message.

I think the American version of these sweets are called Sweethearts.

Lovehearts are made by Swizzels Matlow, if you were wondering.

A great sweet company - very high in sugar content.

I'm going to use them to send a message to my special friend, whom I love.

Emily:

"I love you." "Hold me." "Be happy."

"It's love." "Forever." "Trust me."

Dixie currently feels:

Exiled.

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My name is Rachael Emily Smith.

Though, some know me by my online publishing name: Dixie Astrid Stonehall.

The only similarity beteween the two names is the last inital.

I am sixteen years old.

I will turn seventeen in September, 2008.

I am in year 11 at Gillbrook College.

It is named college, but it's actually a secondary school.

I will be going to Middlesbrough College in September of 2008 to take four A-levels. (English language, English literature, Media Studies and Photography.)

For my GCSE option choices, I chose:

• Art & Design Textiles (Hate it.)
• Media Studies (Love it.)
• Geography (Neither love or hate it.)
• Music (It's alright.)

I also take:

• English language
• English literature
• Mathematics
• Mathematics statistics
• Science (Year 10 course I completed)
• Additional Science (Year 11 course I'm currently doing)
• Applied ICT

School is only a minor part of my life.

I spend my lunchtime breaks in the school library. I also stay there after school.

When I come home, I like to listen to music.

My favourite band is Rammstein. I like their melodies, as well as their highly emotive lyrics. Till Lindemann and Christian Lorenz are also very attractive men.

But saying that, I don't like men.

I sometimes get called names and insults because of my sexuality.

I don't mind. It is up to me.

I have blonde hair that extends past my shoulders. I grew a fringe to hide my forehead, because I don't like it.

I have green eyes, and I am short sighted - so I wear glasses for reading long distances.

They are currently balanced on my head, because I can see what I am typing without them.

I am overweight and I am small.

I sometimes get called names because I am fat.

I get very sad inside sometimes. But I still like to eat chocolate and cake because they make me feel happy.

I am 5"0.

I cannot reach top shelves without standing on chairs or climbing up worktops.

I sometimes feel afraid when I am perched on the kitchen worktop - for I sometimes feel the black and white tiled flooring is inhaling me inwards to its depths.

My head would smash rather easily if I were to fall.

I have small hands and I wear size six shoes.

I don't know anybody who has smaller hands than I do.

This makes me sad when I am playing on Guitar Hero III, Expert level, and I miss a chord because my fingers are too short to reach all five fret buttons.

I have been informed that I suffer from depression.

Sometimes, if I have had a bad day - I come home and listen to sad songs, like Bother, by Stone Sour; or Ghost of a Rose, by Blackmore's Night.

If I am feeling very pained inside, I have a friend who helps me with my problems.

My friend is a black stapler remover. I sometimes cut my arms with it.

Sometimes I draw blood, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't.

I began mutilating in year 8, which was 2005.

I have used my stapler remover from the first time, up until the present day.

Sometimes I would like to stop.

I do not mind. I can continue my life sadly with scars on my left arm.

I am right handed.

I am part of the 90% of the human population who uses tools in their right hand.

My left thumb is more agile than my right. 

This is because I use my left thumb for operating the control stick on my games consoles.

Because my hands are so small, I can fit my fist into my mouth.

I am not double-jointed anywhere in my body.

If I rub my nose hard from side to side, I can make it click.

I do not have many friends in school. 

I like to sit by myself and not speak.

I sometimes feel very isolated.

I do not register with other people of my age.

Most people in my tutor group are all in hetrosexual relationships, and many have had illegal sexual intercourse.

Most of them are invited to parties, where they consume alcohol.

Everybody but me is a part of a small group of select friends.

When I sit alone, I observe their behavior.

Humans disgust me, but I am often facinated by some of the topics that they discuss.

If I could change ten things about my life, these are what I would choose:

1. I wish I could be happy.
2. I wish I could be accepted by other people.
3. I wish I could be content with myself.
4. I wish I could be left alone without fearing being insulted or attacked.
5. I wish I could be attractive.
6. I wish I had a talent.
7. I wish I didn't suffer from all of my mental and physical aliments.
8. I wish somebody would love me.
9. I wish I could learn to see the good things.
10. I wish I could smile.

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My blog seems rather emo, doesn't it?

I dislike emo.

I don't like the music.

All the songs are repeatitive, and the singers are talentless.

I don't like the fashion.

I am fat, and I do not like to wear tight clothes.

My hair is blonde, and I would not like it to be black.

My fringe is straight, and I would not like it to be cut diagonally so I cannot see out of one eye.

I don't like the culture.

I don't like hanging about infront of the Middlesbrough art gallery.

I don't like sitting in Starbucks drinking coffee. (Ick, coffee.)

I don't like attending gigs, festivals, or being social.

I may be an insolated, anti-social self-harmer - but I would not consider myself to be an emo.

I have a friend who is emo. I like her. She is pretty.

I don't like it when people who aren't emo are called emo by mean people.

Emo could be used as a downgrading statement, but for all of those who want to be an emo - they can do what they please.

I was never one to interfere with anybody's life.

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Here is a photo of a girl I know:

Her name is Emily.

I like her a lot.

Reasons why I like this photo:

• I took myself with the print screen button whilst Emily was on webcam for me. I like to talk to her with webcams. I like to see her emotions when she reads what I type to her.

• She has just finished laughing and was still smiling. I like it when I make her laugh and smile. I also feel like smiling when I see her smiling.

• She is wearing a shirt I sent her for her birthday. My uncle customised it for her. We have sent each other presents. I like to get mail. Mail makes me smile. Just to see Emily wearing something I sent her makes me feel special.

• She hadn't brushed her hair, and it looks very strange and cool. I like to have long hair, but some of my female friends have short or shoulder-length hair, and it looks very nice on them all.

• I have this photo in the back of my school planner. When the mean people have made me feel sad, I turn to the back page and look at my photo. It is actually the second print out - I ate the first one when I was hyper-active. The printer ink melted in my mouth and made my tongue green.

Reasons why I like Emily:

• Emily can listen. There are very few people I feel comfortable talking to. I like to tell Emily my feelings. This makes me feel very secure and accepted.

• Emily can understand. When I discuss upsetting matters with her, I know that she can comprehend exactly how I feel. This makes me feel safe.

• Emily is accepting. No matter how I act towards her, even if I'm mean when I'm in a bad mood - Emily can brush off anything meaningless I say. This makes me feel trusted.

• Emily is interesting. We often hold very stimulating and interesting conversations. When I am bored, Emily can find a way to make me entertained. This makes me feel valued.

• Emily trusts me. Whenever Emily is upset, or she needs somebody to confide in, she comes to me with her problems and I try my best to help. This makes me feel essential.

• Emily loves me. Emily can see past all of my faults and like me for who I am. There is nobody else in the world who can do that for me.

That makes me feel very special.