I Hate Crying @ MindSay

So, I'm starting this one so that no one else knows about it, and I can say whatever I want.

 

Currently, I'm having problems with Andy. I really, really like him, and I really really care for him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship without fully being able to be there emotionally. And I understand that. I do. But it still hurts. A lot. He said he didn't want to hurt me farther down the road, in a couple months, or whatever. But it hurts now. I should have never slept with him. God, I'm so stupid. I never should have let myself like him. I never should have let myself get in this deep. I guess it's too late now, though.

What really gets me, though, is that he says I help. He says I'm part of what gets him through everyday. But I don't see it. He started smoking again, and as much as I say I let people make their own decisions (which I do), it really does bother me. I think it's disgusting, and I hate it. I HATE it. It makes me physically sick to even think about it. Honestly, I only even considered dating him after he had quit smoking.

I'm just sick of crying, I guess.

I hate that I can't fix everything. I hate that he's unhappy, and that I can't do anything about it. I hate that I'm so worthless. After Chris, I realized that I can't make anyone happy, and no one else can make me happy, as much as we would like that. It has to be a personal choice. But even with knowing that, it doesn't really help. I still feel like shit. I still feel like I can't do anything about it.

And yet, I keep trying. I keep going over there. I keep letting his actions hurt me.  I keep thinking that if I just try hard enough, everything will work out the way I want it to.

But I know it won't, and I'll be right where I started. Alone, depressed, and aching.

Hey Everyone.

So yesterday.

I got a job, and I went on a date with Brad.

I officially believe that his parents hate me because of the age difference.

I talked to his dad, and he wouldn't look at me the whole time!

I feel completly disrespected.

Erggg...

Then he walked me home, and I started crying because I feel so bad that they hate me for the simple reason that I'm younger than him. : (

And then he felt bad and almost started crying too.

So.

Brads parents weren't going to let us go because they hate me.

Finally,

They let us go to Marion, not to Mansfield where Brad wanted to go( the theatre had reclining seats thats why he wanted to go there)...At least we got to go.

And then he felt bad and almost started crying too.

But anyway, I like stop signs on back roads at nights.

hehe...

That was fun.

We saw Ghost Rider. It was ok...not that great, but it was ok.

Thats all tyhat really happened yesterday.

The weather was beautiful...

I went to the steer show for FFA today.

Weigh in started at 7 this morning, and I didn't get there until like noon...And I left about 3:30.

I have a job now.

I am so bored.

I have OGTS tommorrow.

Shit.

STANDARDIZED TESTING IS A BIG FUCKING JOKE!!!!

Whoever thought of those was on crack, and I hope you die a slow painful death.

Ciao,

Mariah

Here I am lying to myself once again saying "everything is alright" when inside I'm so torn up...nobody can see it. Everyone is to wrapped up in themselves..and I don't blame them..they have every right to be. I try to ask whats wrong and I get some rude remark. I have so many ppl being bitches to me....that it breaks me down. I wonder what'd happen if I wore my real face one day..how would everyone react? Oh, like it was nothing. They'd just say I was being mean that day..when I'm not...when I'm so hurt....so sick...so tired...I just don't want to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes me so fucking mad when I wake up...I hate it. I hate being here. I hate all of this. I hate wanting to cry.....I hate crying and not telling anyone that I did. I hate being hurt. I hate how my life gets so bad that I can't see a great future. Use to...I had everything in line...I was secure..now I'm so insecure and gone for humanity that I can't even breath.

If there was a bridge I wouldn't wait a second to jump. I have friends....but they don't talk to me about my issues..and I don't want to talk to them about it because I look like a big ass baby and I'm not one. I have to keep it together... I have to pretend like nothings wrong and have to act like its not okay for me to cry because it really isn't.

If I cry tonight, maybe I'll sleep in 2nd block because my head will hurt like hell.

*sigh* I love adam..............................

So you say you love me, then we do this all over again. I just wish we would make up our minds, are you my friend or my enemy? Because when I make a mistake you have to point it out, when I mess up you announce it to the world. And those things you do are killing me, killing my soul, breaking my spirit, and I hate you for it. I hate you for every word you say to me, I hate you for every time you touch me like you care, and I hate myself for hating you. I love you for your comforting words, I love you for telling me it will be okay, and I love you for telling me I'm beautiful when I'm crying. This is all so confusing, these walls are confining, this body is bleeding, breaking for you and you alone. So watch me as I sink this blade into flesh, watch as the first drop of blood falls, and watch as I look to you with hate filled eyes as I begin to cry. And when I lash out against myself and these hallways, don't hold me back because when I punch the wall, when I try and break my  hand, I'm pretending all along that it'll be okay. And once I've hit the target, don't pick me up when I slide down the wall sobbing, crying more tears than I ever knew I could. I'm crying because I love you and hate myself and am trying to make sense of this mess. So when you see me tomorrow, with my tear streaked face don't tell me it's okay. Don't tell me I'm over-reacting, cause even if I am, you will only make things worse. And don't lie and say you know how I'm feeling, cause you don't even care that I'm breaking into pieces again. So just remember, even when I hate you, I still love you.