I Feel Ugly @ MindSay

ok so I keep having panic attacks and general depression.

 

and since I started/stopped the medication its been worse than ever

 

last saturday I could not stop crying at my friends house. I had to excuse myself and go upstairs and cry in her bedroom for 4 hours.

 

I'm realizing that these bad feelings have never left or "gotten better" over the years. I've merely suffocated my feelings with over-eating or binging and purging. I try to deceive myself into thinking that things are ok in me but they're not. everything is so so wrong.

 

I blame myself for everything.

 

I get so angry at myself.

 

why are you so ugly?

why are you so fat?

stop eating you ugly girl

no guy would want a girl as fat and ugly as you

you're ugly. what the hell made you think you had something beautiful in you?

 

and it goes on. and it nags at me every day.

 

All I can do is cry. I cant stop crying right now.

 

 I just feel so helpless and pathetic.

 

thats how I really feel though.

 

and whats sad is that tomorrow I'll wake up, and feel ok for a little bit and then it will start over. I'll see my friends and be dying to tell them but truthfully they wouldnt know what to do or say.

 

but I'm just dying to plead with them to hug me, or keep me in their thoughts. but thats so weak of me. I mean my life is pretty good.  cant complain too much. but its a mental illness, not a problem with my outside world.

 

my mind is set to self sabotage and I cant flip the switch.

I don't know about writing anymore. I think I think too much and I rarely seem to get anywhere with writing. I think I write too much, and exist in my head too much, and I need to do some growing by experience in the world now. I'm actually aggravated with myself and all of this. I never seem to be able to express myself right, and I never seem to know what's true and what isn't... what I say just because I understand it from some place, or because it's really the case with myself. I don't think I'll be able to figure any of this out, either, unless I leave behind these words that I try so hard to sculpt to reflect my feelings and emotions... but really, there is too much. I need to put them in order first. I feel too much. I feel way too much, and I think way too much, and I write too much about stuff that I don't really know about.

That's how I feel right now at least.

I guess I just feel stuck. Clogged up. There's so much I need to let out... but am scared to, because it's so ugly, and the ugliness I've displayed here is just a tiny portion of what's there... and I'm more afraid of seeing that myself than I am of others seeing it. So writing is scary.

But if that really is the case, if I really am scared of it myself, then maybe forcing myself to put it in writing and seeing it come out of myself and into the world and being able to look at it and say "there," it will force me to notice some things that I've been trying to ignore and set aside.

But I kind of think that I NEED to set them aside because one problem is that I complicate things too much and get too involved in and expect to much of things that I shouldn't.

We'll see...
But I almost broke down again last night. I was laying in bed, trying to calm my thoughts so I could go to sleep, but it wouldn't stop. Then with my actions that ensued, I started feeling mentally ill again, like I should've been only acting in such a way laying in a bed in the loony bin, and people should come in and strap me down, not because I deserve it, but just because that's what they do to people like me.
Luckily, somehow, I calmed myself and my mind and went to sleep directly afterwards. I really don't remember any in between... just the near breakdown and then a moment of calm and I guess I just fell into that and went to sleep. Thank goodness... I don't know how much more of this shit I can take from myself.

Then today I got home from school, and I've not talked to myself in a while, but I did, and I cried. I should note, I have a good imagination, and when I talk to myself, I imagine I'm actually talking to someone else... and I had a good cry, but I still feel like I need to cry more, like it wasn't enough, with all that it was.
I've been looking for ways to release, but it's hard. Nothing seems to be working, and I think I know what my only real option is: to express it exactly as it needs to be. Not in any artful form or carefully or metaphorically. I need to just let go, to get all the anger, self-hatred, resentment, disgust, and more anger out of me. There is so much...

I really need to start expressing myself, though, because it just backs up. I don't express negative emotions that I have towards others to them. I'm too nice for that. I'm too considerate of their feelings. I should consider what I'm doing to myself at the same time, though.

Who knows. I'm probably just making a big deal of things again. Maybe that's why I do, though. I make a big deal of little things, and a huge deal of big things, so that the underlying shit going on with me doesn't have to be exposed. It's always about everyone else. Even though it seems like it's about me, because I explain myself so much... I think a lot of that's just rationalisation, though. What do I really know?

I should stop. I'm gonna end up some place I don't want to be or really have the time to be right now. I have a paper to write. Thank goodness it turned out to be due tomorrow instead of today. What good that actually does me, I don't know, because I've still not done any work on it.

I think I need to make a list of all my good qualities, because I'm feeling like shit right now...

-Liv-

for some odd reason right now, i just feel so lonely and... i dont feel pretty. i know i overuse that phrase so many times but when i feel lonely and when i feel like theres nobody to talk to when its like... 2 in the morning, i just feel really lonely and ugly.

sometimes i go online to find something that could take my mind off of the loneliness i feel but that doesnt work. i want to talk to somebody and make me feel whole.

me being lonely is just a thing that i just dont do. considering the other nights where i actually have somebody to talk to and somebody to be here with me, but now that theyre gone, i have nothing left. other than wiping my tears and crying myself to sleep.

its just at times like this, where i wish that i had somebody to hold close onto. somebody that i could actually be happy with, smile, cry, laugh, kiss, hold hands, watch the stars with, cuddle, and all the other things that makes my stomach filled with butterflies. i want to feel the adrenaline, the rush, the passion, the emotions that make me feel... beautiful.

its so pathetic for me to be saying all these things. sometimes i feel like im just saying all of these things and want all of these things only because... i dont have anything to take my mind off the fact that im feeling lonely and ugly.

i feel like a tragic mess.

I just closed my 43things account and it actually really upset me to do so.

But it was just so obvious... can't leave tracks...

 

my hand is like ice, I'm wearing a knitted red beanie with a hole in the top, looking up t-shirts, cause that's what I'm in the mood for, and typing in this thing as though I have friends who are gonna read it when I'm done.

 

sometimes I get this pain in my chest, and I have to sit up straight and breath deeply, just for a second.

It's a little scary :)

 

so tuesday night I sat in my *best friends* bed and cried and tried to talk to her, and I felt like things could be better.

Now I'm not sure, and I think it might even be worse.

i'd love to tell a full story, but that'd take too long.

 

 

*I'm no good with people.

*I can't work out how to make friends.

*I am, on occasion, a very stereotypical person. I realised this after being stereotyped all day at work, and actually finding trouble rebutting said stereotyping. But the thing is, I've only ever been myself. So I'm thinking it's okay, that's just who I am, fellas.

*I really, really like "A Study In Economics" by Allister.

*I really, really hate myspace.

*I think that suicide can be very selfish. (note: CAN BE)

*I feel as though I always have to justify myself and who I am.

*I feel like I've learnt a lot about myself this year and I really don't like what I've learnt.

*I feel more comfortable around ugly people.

*I miss you so, so much, even though you're only 20 minutes away.

*I worry that I have a slight mental disorder. I just can't seem to do things like others can.

*Sometimes my hands start shaking so bad that I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing.

*I'm not sure of who I am anymore.

 

 TWICE lately, music has been perfect in a situation for me.

ONE: I was cleaning up my bedroom, and putting up a new mirror. I was feeling angry. I put up said mirror, and looked in it.

my cd player sings at me "when you look in mirrors realise how gorgeous you are"

I used to think people didn't like me because I was ugly.

Now I have realised that I am not that ugly.

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.

 

and TWO: I was sitting in her bed and feeling angry and upset as I, for the want of a better term, fought with her. The OC was on.

Bright Eyes... "do you like to hurt? I do, I do... then hurt me"

 

 

 

 

 

 

fuck this, fuck you, i am reason enough to daydream the day.

 

 

 

 

I need to start living outside of my head.