I Feel Horrible @ MindSay

Apparently it's time to blog.

There isn't too much to report (other than a frakin' huge spider jumped up at me while I was trying to kill it and ended up having to send Josh in with a shoe because I wasn't about to give it another try - I HATE SPIDERS).  There's also been a few random disappointments and then life goes on (accompanied by bowls of delicious ice cream I shouldn't even be eating - but it's oh, so good.) 

Disappointment #1:  Both of my biological sisters have borne a son in the last month.  As most of you know, Tabetha had her little boy on June 3rd, then my older sister has just given birth on the 3rd of this month.  What's so disappointing about that?  I don't have mine.  I lost mine in December and he would have been born any day now.  I guess you can say that I'm extremely jealous of my sisters.  I know I don't really have the right to be, but that jealousy continues on and on, now matter how hard I try to tamp it down.  Nothing works and it sucks.  I feel like such a horrible sister, but I just can't help the way I feel.

Dissapointment #2:  I should have been done with school by now and would have been entering my externship, but nothing seems to work out the way I plan it to.  Getting sick in May hindered me more than I had originally thought it would.  Nobody is teaching the only course I need until August.  I suggested independent studies would be ideal for me, but they only shook their heads at me and said "Nope, you're too independent.  You never ask questions."  So, now I won't be finished with school until the end of August and won't be done with the externship until the end of September.  In reality, a 10 month program will have taken me a year to complete.  All because of bronchitis.

Disappointment #3:  My mom flew out here to Kansas from California and mentioned how it would be nice to celebrate the 4th of July with me.  Well, when I gave her the opportunity to join Josh and I at the farmhouse to celebrate with the rest of the Brumms, she declined by stating she was going to a casino to play bingo with my grandmother.  I even invited my grandmother.  But, no!  Winning money is more important than spending a few hours with your daughter?  Whatever!

Disappointment #4:  Joe (one of four instructors) doesn't even know my real name.  If someone asks him about me, using "Farrah Perry," he'll say "who?"  Charlie's the name he's given me and seems to be the only name he'll ever know me by.  Sad.

Disappointment #5:  I'm too withdrawn.  I still have difficulty trusting people even though I know they're completely trustworthy.  Either I don't strike up conversations because of these trust issues or I feel that I have nothing significant to say, especially if I have no knowledge on the subject.  And I rarely ever converse about politics and religion - only stirs up trouble if you ask me.  But still, why do I really hold myself aloof from others?  Now that I think of it, I'm even surprised I allowed Josh to get as close to me as he has.

Disappointment #6:  My body.  I so fricken hate my body right now because it has absolutely no idea what it wants to do.  I think I may be going through premature menopause or something.  I'm nearly six weeks late for my menstrual cycle and I'm dealing with other "pregnancy" symptoms, but get this..... I'm not pregnant!  What the hell? And that's the most depressing thing of my entire life.  I don't really feel as though I should be called "a woman" since I can't give birth to a child.  What's the sense in it, really?  I mean, the doctors might as well take out my right ovary and bury it with the left one because I:  a)  Probably can't even conceive after that last miscarriage, and b) Couldn't carry to term even if I could conceive.  Why keep something if it's not producing the results you're supposed to be receiving?

And, so, thus concludes the seemingly endless bitching and complaining.  Seriously makes me wonderful what Josh even sees in me.  All I do is complain and cry at the drop of a hate.  I'm a bitter, frigid woman.  *sigh*  I try not to be, but I was once told that "trying is dying."  I hate disappointing myself (especially with this traitorous body) and especially hate disappointing others, but who else is gonna do the job.

(Oh, and the baby is Isaiah Henry Austin, 7 pounds 14 ounces, 20 inches long.  He just came out of the incubator 'cause his lungs weren't quite developed but are better now.  His blood sugar was also pretty low for the first 24 hours.  The doctor thinks he may have juvenile diabetes.  Guess what my sister did all throughout her pregnancy:  Ate whatever the hell she wanted.  Wanna hear something even worse:  She's a nurse that worked for a pediatrician for at least 3 years.  This nephew of mine will now be referred to as Peanut).

I feel so horrible...I have been givin bad news and i like am so depressed.One of my best friends Brenna is moving...Charlie is going to die...(Charlie is a horse)...Angelo is being a jerk ...I though we had something going... But I got my hopes up and I fell for it...im so stupid...I feel like shit...I have been crying no-stop for like 2 days...I just need someone to talk to...I hate feeling like this....

 

                                             *Kelli*                                        

Well let me start by saying I haven't had many girlfriends. My first real relationship lasted for 8 years, of course that was on and off. It didn't end well, I could go on for hours and hours about the stuff I did wrong in that relationship. I was a horrible person to her, cheating, lying, and making her feel like an idiot to name just a few. Anyhow, so in our 8th and final year of our love/hate relationship we lived together. The last few years I had actually learned my lesson with all the cheating and shit and was faithful to her, but I still would be an asshole to her. I came to find out later on that I had bipolar disorder so it could have been one of the reasons I would scream at her and make her feel like shit. But anyway, I digress, we lived together for about a year. I told her I was going to live with her for a year, because I was going to move back in with my parents to take care of my debt. I had accrued a lot of debt while living at home, and she was paying the rent and I had very bad spending habits. So I felt bad taking her money, and I guess I didn't explain that well enough to her. I ended up leaving at the end of the year and going back home to my parents. Of course I figured we would still be together because I thought we were going to be married one day. Even though I knew in my heart we really wouldn't be. We had grown apart and it was mostly my fault. So when I tried to talk to her after that she would always be too busy and brushed me off. Of course I went superpsycho on her and wouldn't let her alone. Mostly because I didn't want to let go of my safety blanket.

    So, long story short, we broke up and I was very distraught. Then of course I met a girl a month later and latched on to her. Even though she was one of those girls that the second you meet her you know you should avoid her. Anyhow, I got a taste of my own medicine with her. She lied to me and cheated on me and belittled me. She made me feel I wasn't worth anything and I believed it. Then I started to realize that this was how I must have made my ex feel. So since then I would never dream of treating anybody that way ever again. That girl almost destroyed me and made me crazy.

     Of course now I have never been happier, but I still find myself having dreams about my ex. And in the dreams I am always pursuing her trying to apologize to her. I actually wrote a letter to her that I haven't sent to her. I am really thinking I should so I will have some closure. At least in my mind. There is no amount of apologizing I can do that will fix what I did. I just had a dream about her this weekend. I was with my girlfriend in the dream and I ran into my ex. So I was chasing her down and finally got to talk to her and her boyfriend. I finally got her alone and was telling her about the letter I had written. And she cut me off and said I am sure it goes something like this. And she told me what she had thought it said. It was really ride sounding and I couldn't get her to believe me what it really said. Then her boyfriend got in my face and was pissed off at me. I am very hazy on the details, but I know the dream didn't make me feel good. I mean I guess I have a mental block on a lot of the things I did to her in the relationship. But they always come back to me in dreams and they bring me to the verge of tears. We are going on almost four years since I have seen her now. I have talked on the phone with her and emailed a few times. But that wasn't in the last two years. Yet these dreams still linger. I am wondering if I should send this letter and maybe the dreams will stop. I only wish I could know that she has forgiven me. I do know she has moved on and is happy. I am happy as well, because I met my soulmate. Yet I still feel horrible about what I did to her. It is hard to live with myself knowing the shit I did to her. Maybe someone has some suggestions that would help. Forgive me if I have been rambling. I usually have a random thought process and I haven't written anything like this is a while.