Husbands @ MindSay

Those of you who know my history know that for the past 30 odd (and yes they have been that) years I've been married.  During this 30 years we've been separated and back twice.  2 of the final straws that broke this camel's back were:

 

1. He had a mistress for 10 years (which I paid for unknowingly).  This was a woman I had in my home, a friend whom I couseled, who's son played with my nephews and at one point lived under my own roof for 8 months (and yes he paid rent).  While we had an 'open marriage' I was always portrayed as the slut and the untrustworthy one...while he was the one having the affair. 

 

2. I supported his happy little ass for years.  Yes he is disabled and born that way.  Yes I know it hurts to get up and walk.  Yes I know life isnt fair and doctors don't have all the answers and can't wave that magic wand to make you whole.  This is what I mean when I say we play lfe with the jersey we are issued and it is the experiences we have which defines and shapes our character.  And in Thomas's defence, his parents didn't raise him as 'my crippled baby you don't have to do a thing let me do it for you'. Rather his father said..'I expect more from you because you have to try twice as hard to be normal and I will accept nothing less.'

 

But somewhere between that and his first 2 wives that all changed.  By the time he got to me, he was looking for a safe place, where he could find out who and what he was, and I damned did my best to give him that, and he agrees that I did.

 

The really tough part is during the last 10 years or so he became even more jealous, possesive and verbally and emotionally abusive.  I took a look at my life and made the decsion that I didn't want to live the next 30 years of my life that way, taking care of an invalid who was an  emotional, mental, and physical drain.  If he had met me at the door saying, "how was your day sweetheart? Take off your shoes and here's a glass of wine."  Goddess I would have thot twice.  Instead I got "what the fuck is for dinner and why are you so damned late?  Who were you screwing this time?"

I've been in Texas for almost 5 years now.  Every single day he calls me.  Sometimes up to 22 times with various voice mails...ranging from 'I love you", "I've changed let me show you", "I realize I was an insenitive ass and give me a chance to prove to you I've changed." 

 

If I don't answer those calls they escallate to, "you don't love me any more and never did.", "II'm going to kill myself and it will be all your fault", "I am having a heart episode and in the hospital" (he's had several, open heart surgery and a stint put in), "Who are you fucking now bitch?' and "I',m going to call all of our friends and family and tell them exactly what kind of daughter/niece/piece of shit you really are" (his version of course).  The fact that I am at  work (2 jobs and cannot answer my phone does not compute in his little mind and never has.  I am supposed to drop everything for him even now).

 

My fault I guess that few people really know the hell he put me thru.  I truly tried to leave the man his ego intact and haven't told the half of it.  He refuses to let me go.  He threatened me more than once (and I believe that he will and has every intention) that if I do file for divorce, that he will sue for spousal support (since he is disabled) until his death as part of the divorce decree.  And given all that, due to he amounts of money I used to make, there is a very real possibilty that he will win.  Goddess knows I've systematically liquidated all of my assets so he couldn't claim them and thats one of the major reasons I work at low paying jobs so he can't claim support.

 

So I take his abuse long distance now when feel up to it.  I read his emails, several days later true and answer them when I feel like it much to his disgust.  So new plan of his is that he buys me things and sends them to me.  Trys to buy me with presents.  Things I don't want and don't need.  Expensive gifts, such as a laptop and a printer...they are incompatable with each other.  A deumidifier...which I've never used....I've no room for it.  The things I could use he won't send.  Save your money I tell him, put it on the phone bill.  He signs us both up for a phoneplan without consulting me;..for 2 damn years...I was on month to month.  Over 200 a month...I can't afford that.  So its now my fault that I can't send him money for the phone bill....stupid twit. 

 

I've tried to be nice.  No contact and I'm at work isn't seeping into Thomas' conciousness.  Does he know about "The Man"?  No.  I've not told him for several reasons, the main one being that it is none of his business what I do or whom I am keeping company with.  He lost that privilege when he cheated on me and lied to me about it.  He lost any respect I had when he verbally and emotionally battered me for years.  I refuse to take the ride on the guilt train he keeps trying to get me to board. 5 years and nothing has changed substantially to convince me that he has. 

 

Yes I could probably cut this all short and tell him...fuck off I've found someone else. True or a lie it wouldn't matter.  The short version is...part of me still cares about the man I met and married tho its been many years since he's been that man and he will never be that man again, just as I'm not that woman he met and married.  Blame me for that...ok but I refuse to go backwards.  Part of me would feel guilty if I told him this and he had a heart attack because of it.  Part of me just doesn't want the grief and hassell....it's like almost 5 years...what do you not get about 'I'm not coming home?"  He doesn't love me..he just wants his nurse and cash cow back.  Nothing he could say, do or buy would make that happen....and yes, I let him hold on to the slim hope that one day things might change.  Chalk that up to me being a bad person, I truly don't care.  I find it hard to deprive anyone of hope if I can't give them another hope in its place.  So I take his calls, I accept the presents such as they are, I deal with this shit and I think to myself....am I stupid for putting up with this and putting myself thru this, or is it somehow worse to face the alternitives?

 

Tonight I just don't know...I'm just so fucking tired of it all and life is just too damned short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the First Edition of my blog on Parenting, Mothering, Relationships and General Womens Issues. 

 

I'm currently an at home mom of 3 school age children.  I have a degree in Psychology and a knack for all issues related to individual and relationship issues.  I started this blog to support moms.  Working moms, stay at home moms, wannabe moms, and women in general.  I have worked fulltime, part time, and everywhere in between.  Needless to say it's hard!  I have struggled for years to come up with the right "balance" and I have yet to come up with the answer.  I have felt alone being home, ignored being home, and guilty being home.  I've felt the same when I've been working.  The number one feeling sad to say I've felt since becoming a mother is guilt.  Can anyone else relate?  Guilt that I'm doing it wrong.  Guilt that I'm not working and could be making money.  Guilt when I am working and away from the kids.  Guilt when I go out with girlfriends.  Guilt when I don't go out with my girlfriends.  It's maddening!  Does every woman feel this way?  Is there a solution? 

 

Before kids I never imagined that my life would be what it is now.  Not that I'm unhappy but I never saw this life for myself.  I was never a "kid person" and now I'm home with 3.  I was very condescending of moms "just staying home" and now I'm that mom!  Does anyone else feel like they have stumbled into their life and don't know really how it happened? 

 

Let me know.  I'd love to hear your thoughts!

 

 

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that my new laptop comes game ready and I had fallen under its allure. Well I didn’t really come out of it when I finally deleted the damn thing from the start menu, threw it in the recycle bin and hit delete before I could reconsider. We are talking 36,000 plus files.

 

The problem was all these free trials and it remained free as long as a played. Once I stopped for dinner or the evening the game was gone because I sure in hell wasn’t gonna pay for this  stuff. Yesterday was the final moment.

 

Jim was making a doctored pizza. He gets a frozen one and adds veggies and extra cheese and then pops it in the oven. And he gave me the going in the oven warning but I was too engrossed in a new scuba collecting treasure game and so I didn’t really hear him. Then he actually called me to dinner and I said okay. And I still wasn’t really  on earth. I was in what some psychologist with an unpronounceable name [ Csíkszentmihályi] calls a “flow state”  which meant completely involved and not aware of time or even if the cat is throwing up or the kitchen is burning down.

 

So when my husband, a little perturbed stood in front of me and told me he didn’t want to eat alone. I finally stopped. He asked if I was having a problem that I was hiding from because I was on the computer so much and I explained the enticing nature of the “free games” the in the corner  of my vision I became aware of a scintillating scotoma ( yeah go look it up) essentially it is an ocular migraine which can trigger a REAL migraine but luckily for me never results in a headache anymore but was a serious warning.

 

So after dinner I deleted the whole panel of invites to waste time and destroy my eye sight. And now it’s 3:30 the next day and I am just now logging on for the first time today. WOW. 

 

Happy Valentines Day tomorrow . My husband got chocolate tools, I got multi colored carnations and I am having breakfast with dear dear Toni – a woman friend I love a lot.

don't ask me how these conversations start but somehow the history of the jock strap came up at  dinner and I told my husband that it was probably some victorian modesty don't let them jiggle in your pants thing while running that got it all going. So I decided to look up the history of jock straps and sure enough I found an article.

 

Here is only a small portion of it: ( I dont know if the links are active.

 

Etymology

The word jockstrap has purportedly been in use since 1897 and ultimately traces its origin from jock in the slang sense of penis.^[1]

The Bike Jockey Strap was the first jockstrap manufactured in America circa 1874.^[2] It is likely the word jockstrap is a contraction of 'jockey strap', with 'jockey' meaning 'rider', and, specifically in this case, a bicycle rider. Jockey meaning (race horse) rider has been in use since 1670.^[3]

Jockey itself is the diminutive form of the Scots nickname Jock (for John) as Jackie is for the English nickname Jack. The nicknames Jack and Jackie, Jock and Jockey have been used generically for 'man, fellow, boy, common man'. From the period c.1650-c.1850, jock has been used as slang for 'penis'. In a similar fashion, the nickname Dick (for Richard) is also slang for 'penis'. ^[4]

History

The precursor of the jockstrap was a rubberized cotton canvas girdle worn for the sake of modesty by men and boys beneath their worsted wool bathing suits on public beaches during the 1860s. As public sporting events grew in popularity, athletes began to wear the rubberized canvas girdle under their tights and uniforms in order to avoid charges of corrupting public morals with displays of their covered but uncontained genitalia. In 1867, a Chicago sports team refused to take the field wearing "modesty" girdles and forfeited the competition. A riot ensued. In a newspaper story about the event, a Dr. Lamb was quoted as "having recognized a medical benefit to males by the wearing of a protective girdle."

In the 1870s, the Boston Athletic Club sought an undergarment that would provide comfort and support for cyclists (or, bicycle jockeys as they were then known) riding the cobblestone streets of Boston. Traditional undergarments were uncomfortable and the rubberized canvas "modesty" girdle caused chafing and blistering on bicycle seats. What the Boston Athletic Club wanted was a comfortable garment that would accommodate the movements of the bicyclist yet would contain and control the male genitalia in the manner of the rubberized canvas girdle.

In 1874^[5], Charles Bennett of the Chicago sporting goods company, Sharp & Smith, invented the jockstrap. The original name of Bennett's invention was the Bike Jockey Strap and its logo, a large bicycle wheel. The jockey strap was intended, first, for bicycle jockeys, and secondly, for horseback riders. The "bike jockey strap" became known as a "jock strap" and, eventually, simply a "jock".

Bennett's newly-formed Bike Web Company patented and began mass-producing the Bike Jockey Strap. The Bike Web Company later became known as the Bike Company. The first consumer mass marketing of the jockstrap occurred in the 1902 edition of the Sears and Roebuck Catalog which claimed the garment, now termed an "athletic supporter" was "medically indicated" for all males that engaged in sports or strenuous activity. ^[6]

In the early 1900s, the jockstrap influenced the invention of the Heidelberg Electric Belt, a low-voltage electric powered supporter that claimed to cure kidney disorders, insomnia, erectile disfunction, and other ailments.^[7] Jockstraps are medically used today to facilitate recovery from injuries and surgeries such as hematocele, hydrocele or spermatocele.

During the 1980s and 1990s, jockstraps were generally no longer mandatory in high school and college sports and gave way to compression shorts. In the early years of the 21st century, however, Calvin Klein, Under Armour, and other manufacturers introduced their own lines of jockstraps and renewed interest in the original garment. An abundance of fashion jockstraps are currently marketed as an alternative to regular underwear.

Jockstrap styles

There are several variations of jockstraps:

Wide band with a cup Jockstraps with pouches and cup inserts are generally worn by baseball, football, lacrosse and cricket players and others participating in full-contact team sports to protect their testicles and penis from injuries. These are a requirement in some sports such as baseball, especially for catchers.

Wide band without a cup

This is the most common "gym jockstrap" used for general support. It is common in football, soccer, track and field, cross country running, basketball and tennis, and often used in wrestling. It is often used in baseball by players other than those playing the position of catcher. It is good for lifting protection. It is thought to assist in the prevention of testicle torsion. Narrow waistband Narrow waistbands, or "swimming/running jocks" as they are commonly termed, are worn underneath swimming trunks and running shorts. They are sometimes worn under wrestling singlets. They provide protection and support while having only a 1" waistband that will not show as easily outside of shorts. If worn under Speedos, the leg straps will show. Fashion jock In addition to mainstream practical jocks, some manufacturers make specialty jockstraps for "fun and play". They fit in the "sexy" or even "fetish" (e.g. referring to popular role-play characters, such as soldiers, firemen) underwear categories and can be made with see-through mesh, leather, velvet, silk, rubber, Rayon, Lycra or even chainmail. Some fashion jocks feature slim waist and leg straps and a small but well-contoured "micropouch" that will accommodate a flaccid penis. This type of jock is called a "microjock." Other fashion jocks feature a roomy, generous pouch, known as a flopper, that will accommodate a large or erect penis. "Padded" jocks enhance the male anatomy. "Missile pouches" are designed for the more daring wearer of fashion jocks. Padded pouches, micropouches, floppers, and missile pouches can also be incorporated into "thong-style" underwear. Hockey jock A regular jockstrap with the addition of four adjustable elastic straps and garter clips that hold hockey socks worn over shin pads covering the entire leg up to the thigh in place. Another common jock in hockey is the goalie protector, a protector with genital and abdominal foam padding, but is very large and bulky. It includes, inner thigh guards with an upper puck bumper. Windproof jock Rather than a pocket to hold a hard, protective cup, windproof jockstraps have a special layer of fabric over the genitalia that protects them from wind and cold, similar to the protection offered by wind briefs. Nordic skiers and winter hikers are the primary users of this variety of jock, as the heat created by their physical activity, along with the freedom of motion they require, may make wearing heavy layers to protect against wind and cold infeasible.

The following are not jockstraps or athletic supporters, but they are listed as related items

Jock brief A jock brief, or support briefs, have a full seat instead in the back and a pouch in the front. They resemble normal briefs but have a wider, stronger waistband and are made of a more supportive material. They are available with or without removable cups. Thong jock A thong style jockstrap, similar to the athletic type, has only one strap attached to the bottom of the pouch, passing under the crotch, up between the buttocks and attaching to the waistband at the middle of the back. This style is often called dance belt, since it is commonly worn by male ballet dancers. Compression short jock They are compression shorts with a full or partial jockstrap sewn into the inside. They provide pockets for a cup and, in the case of the football variety, provide pockets for thigh and backbone pads. Strapless jock The strapless variation to the jock, called a sock for "strapless + jock", has an elastic pouch that hooks behind the scrotum instead of being held in place by the normal leg straps. While fulfilling the same purpose of comfort and lift, this design is less secure and has a tendency to 'slip off' as a result of frequent intense leg movements such as running or jogging. Some strapless jocks feature a pouch with an internal fabric/elastic cock ring, or "c-ring," that either slides along the penis and encircles the base of the testicles or, alternately, simply snaps around the base of the testicles to snugly attach the pouch to the genitals. While this type of pouch permits the wearer to "go backless," c-ring pouches can be attached to either a thong or traditional jockstrap. C-rings enhance the size of the genitals. Suspensory Suspensories are similar to the jockstrap with one main exception; above the pouch that holds the testicles is a hole to put the penis through so that it hangs free from the constriction of the pouch. When worn under trousers with a fly, it allows easy access for urination without removing garments. This is used for medical reasons such as surgery to the groin or for catheter access. Enhancing jockstraps These are a basic jockstrap with the addition of either a padding in the pouch area, or may have fabric "C" ring sewn in to lift and bring forward the penis and testicles.

My cat has only two bad habits-both easily managed. She likes to chomp on the edges of paper and does not distinguish between wrapping paper, printer paper or the deed to the house.  This means anything important, such as the aforementioned deed- or a refund check from the IRS- must be keep pocketed away. Preferably in a cabinet but I use mesh boxes with lids for papers I don’t want her chewing.

 

 

The other is her skill at getting someone to tend to her needs by being a complete and total nudge. First she will walk all over you, luckily I find that cute and comforting. Then she will jump up near you and start nudging things around. Like the computer mouse, or the telephone. If this does not get your attention so you feed her, she ups the behavior to knocking things off the edges of tables and counters.  We manage that by not having breakables at the edges and so far all the knocks over are baskets, boxes, dvd’s pencil sharpeners, stuff like that.

 

But last night my husband left a basket filled with a neti pot ( for nasal and sinus irrigation) on the bathroom counter. And sure enough when we slept past 8 am which meant she wasn’t getting her breakfast  when she likes it, she started. We ignored the books, plastic containers, pens and then she hit gold. The neti pot- white ceramic made a great crashing sound as it hit the tile floor. Jim woke with a start. I said it’s abi. He was going to go back to sleep and I suggested he find out what she did. And oh were we pissy with one another. I can’t blame a cat for doing what cats do so I blamed the S.U. for leaving breakables so close to the counter. Meanwhile the cat has to be restrained until I clean up al the bits of glass – this is also the only room in which I always walk barefoot- heated floor- duh- warmth- bare feet.

 

The SU claims he is not thinking clearly because of his post operative condition. The truth is he is often unmindful of the fact that we have a cat and can’t leave rubber bands and staples and other little things she might decide to chew on the floors. I think he is jealous of her because I am so consistently kind to her. And when he asks me that I explain to him that she has never called me a bitch. End of story.