Husband @ MindSay 
marriage
I went to a seminar today on lap band surgery. I went to get information for myself but i was reminded that nothing in my life changes. All my husband could talk about is what he thought he should do, which surgery would be best for him, how soon we could get it started. I just don't know that with all of his medical issues that the doctor will even consider him. but this only drove home the point that with my husband for anything I do even if I attempt to do it for myself, like the photography or computers, or even bariatic surgery it always has been and always will be all about him.
Just like I got a very expensive gourmet cupcake that was very large and I told him that would be our dessert for dinner on Friday. And he comes out of the kitchen after dinner finishing off the last of the cupcake. when I say something to him about did he leave any for me he just looks at me like what do you mean any for you?? It wouldn't have mattered so much just that I made a point of saying it was for US and this is not the first time this has happened.
Things never change in my marriage. It is all about him only. And now I have to go because he has decided that now he wants to take a shower and I have to help him right now
Finally I'm able to just sit and let the words roll again...
This picks up from March 29ths posting.....
Backing up_
I met James(my husband now,then boyfriend!) when I was 15 and in the 10th grade. In those days, High school was split up into 2 years each,9-10 and 11-12, each at seperate places. It was the tail end of 10th grade and I was able to miss my last clas of the day because I was traveling on an activity bus to my Sr high school to try out for "Dancing Boots". There was a period of about 2 weeks where each afternoon I went to the Sr. high to try out. I made the team. More on this later.... Anyway, I decided to keep skippping my last class of the day which was, History! I made A's in there anyway... I went and hung out on my bus instead. My bus driver was really cute and we had struck up being friends. Several bus drivers hung out on his bus while waiting for classes to let out, and we had a good time kidding around. At the time, I was dating James' best friend.I hadn't met James yet... Anyway, it's late May, early June of 1979... The then boyfriend was becoming a pain...trying to ditch me.. He shows up at my house one afternoon to break a date with me and lo and behold, James is in the backseat of his car. He(the boyfriend) had several friends with him. The boyfriend and I argued a bit, then James decided to say something... My very first words to him were" Why don't you just shut-up and mind your own business!" Well, great beginning huh? LOL- anyway the jerk and I broke up and then James started hanging out on my bus with the other drivers. He was a bus driver too. We picked on each other and kinda got to know one another.James was 2 years older than me and he was getting ready to graduate high school. Then James calls me one evening and asks me out. Our first date was June 15th,1979. We went to see"Rocky 2" and then went to Hardees to eat. We went out just about every day after that first date. All summer long we went to tons of movies(they only cost us about $5.00 for the 2 of us to go!) and hung out. On July 10th, James gave me a promise ring. that was the thing back then. He said he had never met anyone like me and he was in love with me and I was "it", the ONE he'd been searching for. I felt the same way. We talked for hours on the phone at night, usually my dad ran me off the phone at 2 in the morning! LOL Those were the days of one phone houses, and rotary phones! Ha! We talked about nothing in particular, and just basically had fun. I turned 16 on July 12th and tried to have a sweet 16 party but it was planned for outside and it rained that day and evening, so there went my party, BUT James stuck by me all day and he took me out that night instead. One of the best birthdays I can remember! I started Sr high in the fall, and I quit the Dance team! Told ya I'd tell ya later about it... I wanted to be with James all the time so I quit! No regrets here! Anyway, we had good year as we grew closer and closer. then I started my Sr. year. it's now mid 1980. Senior year was a blast! Too much fun! Then Nov- Dec 1980 rolls around. James shows me these house plans that he drew up when he was younger and asks me if I llike them. I said I did. They were of a split- foyer with a full basement. Typical for that generation. I didn't think much of it. Then James takes me to a wooded lot and says"This is where we are gonna build our house" I'm thinking, Ok he's planning for down the road. We proceed to rope off an area in the woods to the size of a house. next thing I know within the week, he has people out there digging out a basement and cutting down trees..... Hummmm..... Anyway, James,his brother, and his dad all had two weeks off at Christmas... So they start building a house on top of the basement which has been blocked already...... the house gets framed out totally during those 2 weeks.... Now I can say that James took me for granted! LOL builing a house and I hadnt even said YES yet! LOL then Christmas Eve arrives and James is at my house for the evening. We steal some time alone in the living room.. he gives me this big box to open.... I open it and pull out a stuffed Panda Bear that is holding a fish velcroed to his paws. On the fish is a note. I open the note and it says in big letters"This is It! Will you marry me?" I looked at him in surprise and he asks me, on his knees."Will You Marry Me,Tracee? I love you with all my heart." I of course start crying and say "YES!" Now I'm just 17 years old still at this point and still in high school, but I didnt care! I had wanted to be a wife and mom since a little girl. I didnt care to go off to college. I wanted a family to love! He slipped a ring on my finger and we kissed! so we go to the den where my family is gathered and make our little announcement. Dad was a bit shocked, but he knew the day had been drawing near.... They gave us their blessing, but said I had to wait til I graduated and til after I was 18. they weren't going to sign for me to get married because they didnt want me to come to them if the marriage didnt work and say you let me do this thing! it was to be totally me! more on this later!
Anyway, we got their blessings. now meanwhile, I had been going to church with James for a long time. I grew up in the Episcopal church, and my family didn't attend regularly. I believed in GOD, but I didn't KNOW GOD... I was basically a GOOD person... well, James was Baptist, and I had been hearing some things that I questioned him about alot. James was talking to me a lot and having me read verses. Well, on a Sunday night on Feb.8th 1981, I was with James at his church for a revival meeting. James Ellis was the speaker. he preached Hell and Brimstone that night, but not in a condescending way... he explained things that were clear as a bell to me that night. my eyes and my heart were opened. Later that evening after lots of my questions to my James in my living room at home, I accepted Christ as my Personal Saviour! I was so giddy with happiness! my heart was overflowing... It does us good to remember the time and place we met the Master... James was very happy too. he had been working on me for a long time, and even though he had asked me to marry him knowing I wasn't saved, he had hope. he knew he was risking alot too. Believers should never yoke with unbelievers. the Bible tells us. His family had told him he shouldn't get involved with me, but when they heard that I got saved that night, they accepted me whole heartedly. only thing was, I couldn't tell my dad about what I had done. Dad had a way of twisting things around and he would argue someone blue in the face, that there is no hell. so I kept this from my family for the time being. I knew God would let me know when the time was right For Valentines day that following week, James gave me a scofield Bible, which I still carry and use to this day. that was a very loving present.. The months came on by and in late May of '81 we finished the house. it was ready. I was busy planning my wedding and getting ready to graduate high school. Now is where I need to say that I did alot of the planning myself, bymyself. i didnt have my mother to turn to in this. She was there, but not really there. She is manic-depressive or bi-polar as the term better is known now. Since I was 11 she had been in and out of mental hospitals. I saw bizzarre behaviour during those yeaars and I had to grow up quick. I came home from school and took care of my younger brother. I got home before he did. I cleaned and cooked, and washed,etc... My brother is 6 years younger than me, and I hid him from a lot of what was going on. anyway, It came down to the week before the wedding which by the way we planned for July 18th 1981. Dont think I mentioned that before now! Those days you had to have your marriage license ahead of time. Well, guess what, the week before the 18th was the 12th which was my 18th birthday, and I had to carry my mom with me downtown for the license and SHE had to sign! we had to go on the 11th to get it, and being I wasn't 18 yet(just by a day!) and she had to sign! She was ticked! anyway, got through that then the wedding. (At the end of May I graduated!)
fast forward through those first years now...... Lots of things happened to us along the way, a son in 1988 and a daughter in 1991, along with the typical ups and downs of a marriage. It takes TWO. You both have to give and take in a marriage. IT CANNOT BE ONESIDED!!! yes, we were young, and a lot of our friends said it wouldn't last, but it has, and it's almost 27 years strong....and going.....
anyway, some things happened in 1993 that werent good financially. So, my parents gave up their little apartment and moved in with us..... For 8 years they lived with us and got us back on our feet. During those years, Was when GOD opened the door and showed me how to witness to my dad. he was still stubborn... So I didnt talk, I SHOWED him Christian love... And he knew there was something differnet..... he saw it and felt it.... To this day though, I'm not sure about my Dad. I Lost him in March of 2007. I was able to be by his bedside alone with him and I was able to pour my heart out to him then. they always say the hearing is the last to go.... he was in a coma, and I have hope he heard me.... I cling to my hope everyday... I pray I see my dad again in Heaven one day... I do have a bit of peace about it. the Lord has given me that, but I dont know the truth about dad... as I said, I have hope....
There's still alot of blank spaces I could write and fill in, maybe one day I will. My moms battle still goes on. As she ages, it seems to get worse. That is a story in itself. All the horrors of a mental illness that I witnessed as a young girl, as an adult. They are too painful to write about. I still have humps to overcome with this myself. it took a long time to just understand that my mother wasn't doing those things on purpose, that she didnt know and couldn't control it. it took a long time to forgive..... mental illness hurts.. it hurts those who love you the most.... but she is my mother and I love her... sometimes its all I can do....
It was twenty years ago today that I had my first date with my husband. I was 18 and had just started college 3 weeks before. I was living away from home for the first time, excited about starting a new phase of my life, anxious about classes and having to grow up, but most importantly I was ready to PARTY! I didn't have a boyfriend when I left for school, and meeting that special someone was NOT on my agenda. Those first few weeks were just what I had imagined. I was rooming with my best friend, several of my other closest friends were also going to school there, the new people I had met were great fun, the parties were good and I even enjoyed my classes.
Then one day my roommate's "boyfriend" knocked on our door, and changed my life forever. He wanted us to go to a party at his fraternity house. It was going to be a casual closed party and in his crass words, "the more babes he brought the more points he scored", what an ass. He was a pledge and didn't want to have to mop the floors that week, so he figured he'd get two cute girls to the party and earn extra points. I so did not want to go. After an hour of begging and pleading (my roommate wanted to go too so she joined in) I agreed to go, but I stated that I would be leaving early and I refused to socialize with any super dorks (this fraternity had the nerdy reputation on campus) and I was a little bit of a bitch back then.
Fine, ok, and off we went. I had my guard up, determined to not have any fun and within an hour it had all changed. It wasn't a typical frat party, there was music, dancing and booze, but it wasn't rowdy (more happy hour at the neighborhood bar then Animal House), the guys were sweet, intelligent and funny. I was actually enjoying myself and having a good time when I finally saw him. He was sitting up on the bar and had just made a joke. As he jumped off, our eyes met, we smiled at one another, and just like Meg Ryan says in Sleepless In Seattle, "It was magic." I watched him out of the corner of my eye, he approached one of the other guys and a few moments later, both of them made their way over to me and my girlfriend.
I found out much later that he had grabbed his friend and said, "You take the tall one and I'll take the short one with big boobs." LOL, not very romantic, but hey, he was 19 at the time. We talked to no one else at the party for the rest of the evening. The party ended early, but we weren't ready to end the evening. We went out for ice cream, and talked some more. We were in our own little world. No one and nothing else mattered. We probably could have stayed out on that bench by the lake and talked all night, but my roommate was done fooling around with the boyfriend of the moment, and they eventually made their way out of the bushes and said they wanted to go home. As we said our goodbyes he invited me to a pizza party that the frat was having Friday night and afterward he wanted to take me to the movies. I readily agreed. We hadn't kissed, or even held hands, but I just knew this was something special. All I could think about was our upcoming date, I walked around the next day in a fog, and my friends kept telling me to take that creepy grin off my face. I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Was he as great as I thought he was? What does he think about me? Was there really this amazing chemistry between us or was I crazy? I went to the pizza party, we went to the movies and we've been together ever since. He wasn't my first lover, but I had no idea that he would be my last lover. He wasn't my first best friend, but he would become my closest best friend. I had no idea that night would change my life forever. It's been twenty years, married 13 of those years. We've had our hard times, we've had many wonderful times, but most importantly we've had them together. He's in my blood, he's a part of my soul, he will forever be a part of me. Garrett, I love you.
My husband's ankle is all messed up and swollen from his fight class, but that's okay. He will survive, and tonight *after taking a day off* he is going back to class. Tomorrow my son has another class and so does the Man. Saturday, same thing.
Saturday night, UFC 81 will be on so I hope that we get invited to someone's house to watch that...otherwise we will be ordering a really really expensive venue for just us 3.
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