Hurt @ MindSay

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

 

 

Okay so that person has hurt you or robbed you of what you think is rightfully yours. If I told you that that does not count, it does not count for a reason to strike back at the other person – that wanting to get even may hurt him yes and which will make you in turn very happy bout it too yes again. But truth of the matter is – you’re the one who’ll be hurting most by it. Why? --Because you are making yourself quite open or vulnerable for a counter-strike again and again. You are giving him permission to hurt you repeatedly because apparently he won’t just sit there taking your punches too but will punch you right back in – cause he is the type who would. And you know what, in always thinking about your rage it would only serve to enrage you some more. That’s even hurting you more than you ever know. Your own rage will destroy you. So you see the other guy is winning over you without even trying hard enough.

 

But think about this --- can he be so sure that what he has stolen from you is the thing for him that it would work well for him too? You see, wanting something just because it looks good on the other person does not guarantee that the same thing would look good or will work well for you too. Nope, that’s not how it works. One man’s medicine may be poison for another.

 

So what to do? Well, leave! Your leaving will douse cold water over his fiery temper and greed. How can he be continually angry too when there’s nobody around to be angry with or at? There’s nobody or nothing that would add coal to the fire in the furnace…his furnace.

 

And what have you lost? If you think about it, not much really because you can always get it back in your life just the way you are. That’s how you succeeded in the first place.

You said it so simply and meant nothing by,
But the things that mean little
Got caught by my eye.
I heard something more than what you said
And all I now want is silence without dread.

I told you a bit of what I thought I heard
And what you replied hurt me more inside.
You made me sound silly, girlish, and scared
When all that I wanted was concern, love, and care.

I know that my thoughts are confused and perverse,
But I asked you for time to sort it thru first.
I got cross examined and I finally just said it,
And the look I got back made me feel
Small, stupid, ...taken for granted.

Deep down inside, I know that's not so.
But your words cut so deeply and stayed well-planted.
I value your opinion, your look, and your word
So know that I'll hurt even tho you don't plan it.

I'm not silly or vacant, dumb, or terse.
I'll tell you if I know, so know that I mean it.
I'm not the sort to squirrel feelings inside
If I can tell you straight out and tell you no lie.

My heart gets cut deep and I need time to sigh.
Stay back 'til granted pass to know the reason why.
I want you to know so it ne'er happens twice,
Moving us closer thru this poem's device.

The rage hit me this morning.  I didn't go to work because of the rage.  Any idea what it feels like to want to hurt someone without knowing why?  

It took me a while to figure out why I'm having such a difficult time laying down and closing my eyes.  Suddenly it occurred to me that July 7th had arrived and it just crept in out of nowhere.  Four years ago, I married a man that I thought I could settle for and in a way I felt I owed him for allowing me to stay with him rather than being stuck in a tiny two bedroom house with ten or more people in it.  I think I felt I could help him learn to live rather than wait to die.  Living with an enlarged heart and congestive heart failure cannot possibly be easy, but life wasn't over yet.  If time is short, then one must make the most of it.  Apparently, my trial was a failure from the moment I said "I do."  I cannot say that I loved him the way a wife should love her husband, but I loved him as a any friend would love a friend.  I wanted to be there for him and help him find sunshine before his last day arrived.  I tried and failed.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough.  If I tried more, maybe his personality wouldn't have changed so completely after we married. 

So, I'm struggling with this because this is the first year I can't make a choice to pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry for leaving you.  Can we try to be friends?"  I can't fix it.  I don't have any chance to mend our relationship to where we could at least have a friendship.  He's been gone since November.  Sometimes I have nightmares about him coming back and succeeding in strangling me.  Or the knife he threw at me found a home in my neck.  And the only thing I feel in those dreams is that I deserve the treatment.  For some god awful reason, I deserve every single bad thing that ever happens to me.  I know it's not true.

And then I begin to wonder if Josh is even making the right decision in wanting to marry me.  Of course we won't be getting married until next Spring due to some financial issues.  Which, of course, is ultimately my fault because I can't seem to keep a job. 

I swear to the gods, I'm going to hyperventilate and just kill over one of these days.  I want to turn my brain off, but once it gets going it just won't stop.  It goes from one thing, to another, to another... Just an endless list of failures and moments where I lack the effort to do things right. 

I even tell Josh some of my thoughts.  In a way, I'm glad that I'm able to tell him.  Other times I scare the crap out of him.  For two weeks solid, all I wanted to do was vanish off the face of the Earth.  Just go where nobody could find me and where nobody knew me.  I wouldn't contact my past at all, just live a life of loneliness, just like I deserve and not look back.  Yes, that included Josh, simply because I don't want to fail anymore.  I even went as far as telling him that I absolutely refused to marry him.  I don't want to hurt anybody, yet all I do is hurt someone.  Always!  I hurt somebody when I came into the relationship I'm in right now.  It was wrong.  Even after all this time, I still feel the guilt.  It's like lead in my soul, just weighing me down...  So much guilt for everything I've done in my life.  And I just know that I'm going to keep failing.

Everything's going to work out somehow.  Somehow... it just has to... I'm tired of running, of hiding, of crying and failing.

  So.. I'm basicly about to cry now.. I feel like love is a brutel mistake.. For the selfish.

If so.. Then I'm selfish.. Someone shoot me!!

So I'm in love with this amazing guy.. And I don't talk to him much during the day. If I do at all..

So I basicly call him late at night. Only for a few hours.. Thats all I ask for.. Is a few hours of his time..

He promised me yesterday since he didn't talk that night. That today he'd be all mine..

Well.. now it came about mid-night and I asked him if I could call or whatever..

And hes like I'm playing games. So no.

And I'm just thinking... Games are more important then I am now.. Wow..

I mean great.. I feel so fricking loved.. ._.

I've avoided him before, because I thought he needed space. But when I stopped I promised not to ever do it

again..

So now I'm thinking I should disapear and avoid him again.. But I remembered that I promised not too..

And I'm like.. Well.. I can't run away everytime I feel like he needs space..

So I tell him, " Oh, don't expect to talk to me tomorrow night. "

And hes all like, " Why? "

I reply, " Because I'll be playing DDR all night or SOMETHING. "

and he says " .. Okay>< "

And so I reply, " Haha.. You must be really tired or think I'm a cruel person. "

And he says, " No.. =[ "

And I tell him how hes waay more important then a fricking game.. And stuff. And I asked him.

And I tell him the real reason why I probably won't be able to talk tomorrow. Which is today..

Which is simply because I'm not going to sleep.. And I might pass out late in the day.. So he won't catch me

on that night. And I'm like, " But its nice.. When someone thinks games are more important.. "

And hes says, " Sarah.. >< You are WAY more important. "

And I'm definitely still in disbelief so I'm like, " Mmhmm. "

And I add, " Tonight was nice.. Nice and depressing. "

Then I tell him I'm sorry.

And he says hes Sorry.. Because I think hes realizeing that I feel like utter crap right now because of him.

I said I'd keep my own damned feelings to myself and that its my fault. And if I had in the beginning just ignored my saddness and told him it was okay he can play his games or whatever.. He wouldn't of realized I was feeling sad at all. And that would of made him not feel bad..

So I tell him its okay.. And hes like.. No its not.. and I add that I don't really care.. I told him back when people.. cheated on me.. Or choose other girls over me.. And left me broken hearted. I'd leave notes to my future self.. Knowing that I would heal enough to go into another relationship at some point.. And heres a few examples.. " Remember last time.. It isn't worth it. " And. " Love isn't anything but a beginning of a taste of happiness, with a brutal end. Or a rough slow end.. Much like death or war. And that would never have happened if you wouldn't of been so selfish to long only for the beginning.. "

I AM SELFISH! X_X I have nothing against games and stuff. I love games myself.xD

And I feel like crap with a side dish of unhealthy selfishness realization or something like that.

Then he was like.. I'm going to bed.. Before I cry.. Which I have heard him cry before.. So I know it'd happen. Which means he actually understood where I was standing and on what grounds...

He was like. " I'm sorry! " And trying to rush away.. And then I said, " One more thing.. "

And hes like. " What? " I said, " I love you.. " This got me a moment of silence.. He answered, " I love you too. " And he left and since this was on messager at the time I left him a offline message. " Sweet Dreams.. I hope you know it wouldn't hurt or bother me at all.. If I didn't love or care about you.. "