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Hurt @ MindSay


You trusted him very much. You've given him everything. You were happy with him. You were both in loved and no one can change that. He was the light of your life. Both of you had plans in your future, a family, a beautiful house and many  kids. Your life was already complete and you don't want to ask more. But something happened so suddenly. A fact that hurt you. A good life unfulfilled. You did not know the reasons. But it was there and it happened.
It started in a petty quarrel. No one accepted the blame. You wanted reconciliation but he was not interested. You give him forgiveness, he did not care. It seemed he no longer want to be  with you. He was angry, unreasonable and determined to completely lost in your life.

The pain was too much to bear, it ruined your life. It is painful knowing and remembering that the man you have given so much trust, attention and love was  the one breaking your heart. It hurts your pride. You can't sleep in the middle of the night. What you did in your room was shedding tears for a man that betrayed your honesty and truthfulness. You tried to stop your hatred what he did. When you are alone, sadness tortured your mind.

You knew you are losing someone completely. You can't win him back. He was in other arms now. Your chest was heaving as you were crying in remembering the uselessness of your desire for lasting companionship. It ends so suddenly and hit you deeply.

You wanted to surrender your life completely to end everything. You don't even know if your life still complete after the break-up. Your inner consciousness  told you to behave. Why give importance to a useless man? You have to straighten up what had been lost. You have to fight back and show that you can manage without him. You felt sorry why you knew him.

Your emotional trauma may take time to heal. But you are sure that the hurt will ebb away in the coming several months. You are sure that you can find someone soon that is willing to sacrifice, protect and love you without any condition and pretension. And if that day will come maybe your happiness will be complete. Maybe your heart that bled will find solace in your arms and will heal completely.

You kept wondering why he broke-up with you so suddenly? You don't remember giving him headache. You loved him deeply more than anything else. You trusted him with your life. Yet, he failed to understand your feeling, intention and expectation. It seemed he did not know you completely about your honesty, truthfulness and loving care.

What you did now is to go on with your life. You wanted to forget the painful experience completely. You let God flow in your heart and make a wish that someday everything will be fine.


The Last Note To My Love
I don't think anyone will actually read this, but I'm putting it up anyway. Oh damn it removed the bullet points I had. Oh well.


·         Not that you’ve asked even once how I am. About my life, health, feelings.

·         Why I thought you cared, I don’t know.

·          and you cared so much before, and that night when I had heartburn, you got out of bed and washed the tea diffuser and made me tea, and asked if the heartburn was bad, and if I felt better.

·         And I saw in your face, you felt bad, for hurting me, and didn’t understand why you were doing it. That you were truly sorry, and didn’t want to keep hurting me.

·         That despite telling me that you didn’t care about my feelings, we spent 3 hours, partly talking about them, and partly just hanging out. And when Matt and Eric came in to ask if you wanted to go for a walk, you said you’d catch them later, and continued to hang out with me.

·         And in that same conversation, you told me that you didn’t care about my feelings, and also to come by more often.

·         And it was hard to come by, but I did. And It was hard because you were so cold, and angry at me. I don’t know why. I tried to ask you, but you just got angry, and denied being angry. I tried talking to you about it, I tried ignoring it, and neither worked. It just drove me nuts, and hurt a lot.

·         And for some reason I tried to suppress my hurt and anger, because, for some reason, I thought, you must be hurting, too. Because otherwise you wouldn’t be hurting me like this. I’ve never seen you so upset at anyone. And I keep thinking about how this is like last year. When you did the same thing. You got angry at me over everything I said and did, and then blew up, refused to talk to me. I couldn’t believe it. I had no idea what was going on with you. And then I tried to talk to you on msn when we got home, and you almost blocked me you were so mad. But you didn’t. And then you finally admitted what was going on, and apologized. That you were denying your feelings because you thought I still wanted Jayden. I didn’t, but I know it must have hurt when I suddenly tell you that I’m going off with some other guy, out of no where. It was wrong of me, I know. I shouldn’t have got involved with you when I was still so attached to him. I don’t know if that is what’s bothering you, or, well I have no idea what’s made you so angry at me again. I just know we never really talked about it.

·         You don’t talk about your feelings very much, at least you haven’t for a while.

·         I haven’t seen any emotion in your face since that night we had tea. Well, any emotion except anger. And...blankness.

·         (But I haven’t wanted him for a long time. I’ve only wanted you. You’re all I can think about.)

·         And you said you have communication problems, which, I’ve known since last year. You keep things to yourself.

·         And I know, I have trouble expressing emotion. Even when I really want to, I find I can’t seem to. And it surprised me when you asked me “why the solemn look” or something you asked. And it was like, I didn’t understand how you couldn’t understand how I was feeling. That I was hurting beyond belief, over everything you’d been doing, everything you’d put me through. And you seemed to have no idea you were hurting me at all.

·         And the time you said you didn’t want to think about it. That you refused to think about your feelings, and the whole situation.

·         And that time you were so angry at me, you yelled at me (well, caps lock on msn) to GTFO of my life.

·         And for some reason, I still believed that that wasn’t what you really wanted, that you were just talking out of anger. It takes a lot of anger to tell someone that. And I had no idea why you were so angry. So I decided to come down, to get you to say it to my face, if you really meant it. So I came down, and knocked on your door, and you didn’t answer. And I really wanted to just go to my room and cry, but I didn’t, I kept knocking. And talking to you. And eventually you opened the door, and I expected you to be angry, and just say it and close the door, or keep me standing in the doorway. But you told me or gestured to come in, and just said “You’re being way too serious” or “this is way too serious” and... I was just.. shocked. You’re telling me I’m being serious, when you just yelled at me to get out of your life! And...well, I guess I tried to be light, then, and said in a playful tone, that “you were being pretty serious yourself there, mister.” Instead of taking a serious tone and clearly asking how you thought I was being serious when you just told me to get out of your life. And then you mentioned the letter, or I did, I think. And you told me you thought I was creepy. And I thought, he can’t really be saying this. How can he think I’m creepy! I still don’t know why you said that, but you’ve said a lot of hurtful things this year, that I’ve tried to just accept as you being angry and didn’t really think they were true. But I don’t know. I just don’t know what’s gotten into you. You know me, Tito, and I should hope you know I’m not creepy. That anything I did, I did because I care for you.

·         And like all the other letters I’ve written that I haven’t sent, I might not end up sending this one either. Because I keep thinking, what’s the point. Clearly I was wrong, and you never actually cared for me, and you’ve been hurting me on purpose because you’re trying to get rid of me.

·         And I keep trying to write you an angry letter, because I am very angry at you. For hurting me, for messing me around all year. For telling me one thing, then another. Not making any sense, saying hurtful things, but then being playful, telling me you care and acting like you don’t care, telling me you don’t care and acting like you do care. I’ve tried my best to be understanding, and patient, and caring. Trying to keep telling myself you don’t mean it. I even went to a counsellor to try to figure out why you might be acting in this insane way. And they told me that you did care, but got too close, and so you started to push me away because you didn’t want to get hurt again. I don’t know if that’s true, but it seemed to put it all together, more than any other theory. So I tried to forget about my own pain, and try to show you that I cared, because you didn’t seem to believe me. I remember a bit of a conversation, I’m not sure what we were talking about, but I said that I cared for you, and you said “do you?”. As if you didn’t believe me. And the time where we were talking in your room, and you stormed out angrily to go to the basement, saying you didn’t think we should see each other for a while. And I didn’t understand, again, why you were so angry. But I thought I would listen, and give you the space you asked for. And I waited. And it hurt a lot, and I still waited. And then I came to talk to you after 3 weeks, and you said you thought I was avoiding and ignoring you. I didn’t understand how you could possibly think that, when YOU were the one you asked for space! I feel like I’ve been trying to convince you, but you just won’t believe me. It’s like you’re pushing me away, just to see if I’ll come back.

·         And at the beginning of the year, I remember even, before you came, when I was back at university for the Arrival and Survival show. We were talking about my new friend Mike, and you talked about me being with him, and I was just like, what the hell! How can he think I want anyone else! Mike did seem to like me, and I pulled away, because you were the one I wanted, and still are. It’s like you think I’ll go off with anyone, at any time... which I know, you have reasons for thinking that, but I haven’t, and won’t. Guys come onto me all the time, but I don’t want them. I haven’t wanted anyone else since last year.

·         I remember in the summer you were talking about taking Salsa or Tango lessons, and cooking lobster or fish, and you told me to get a passport and I said I had one, and you said to keep it up to date, and I said it is, and you said to keep it with me, and I said I always do, and you mentioned kidnapping me and taking me to NY, haha, that it would really be the start of something. You didn’t say what that something was, but we both agreed that it would be an adventure, and that we liked adventures.

·         And I’m so afraid of showing emotion, and I guess that can be confusing, too. It takes a lot to make me cry, and I try hard not to in front of anyone. And I wanted to tell you last year, that I really cared about you.. ok fine, that I loved you. But all I could say was “’re awesome”. And I remember it was going to or from mealhall, and you just smiled and said “I am pretty awesome”, haha.

·         And that time in -residence- when that girl asked in French if we were a couple, I wanted to say yes, and I saw the look on your face, you were sad, and said no.

·         I try to censor myself, in expressing my feelings, act like something doesn’t bother me, when it does, etc. Well, I guess maybe that’s why I’m an actress, ha. Perhaps I’m too good at it. I don’t know.

·         Damn, if I could just pass in my thoughts and feelings as an essay, I’d be doing great. Though over the word limit for sure.

·         Why am I writing this? I keep asking myself. I don’t know. Well. I don’t know. I don’t know what good it will do, if any. You haven’t listened to me whenever I’ve tried to talk to you, and express my feelings, nor have you asked about my feelings, or my life. And it must take a lot of anger, to not talk to someone for so long. So I keep thinking, well maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck. Maybe he never did. Maybe he’s just an asshole like so many other guys.

·         And I’m going to be too scared to send this, anyway. I’m going to back out, and put it away like I always do.

·         And I say, well there’s nothing to lose. He’s not talking to me, it can’t really get any worse.

·         But, the other letters didn’t seem to do any good. But I guess, maybe I’ll never be able to get through to you. I’ve tried to find the right way, but nothing has worked. So again, maybe you hurt me on purpose, and really couldn’t care less.

·         And in the last talk, you said you were sorry, but I still didn’t see any emotion in your face. You said it blankly. And you came in, I still don’t know why. Because Sarah asked you if you had anything to say, you said no. How could you have nothing to say, I thought! And Sarah did all the talking for you, and that made me angry, because it wasn’t you, it was her. And her minimal understanding of the situation, and it’s easy for you to just agree to anything she said.

·         And I’ve tried to put my feelings aside, and try to show you that I’m not against you, that I’m on your side.

·         And if you’d just tell me what you wanted me to do, what you were feeling, what you were worried about, anything. I just tried to guess because you wouldn’t tell me. Tried to figure out what to do, and how to act.

·         I don’t know what I should say, or if there’s things I shouldn’t say. I don’t know if I should say anything at all. Being so open, is very hard for me. I don’t know if I should tell you about the pain you’ve put me through. Because I don’t want you to feel guilty, but at the same time I’m angry and I do want you to feel guilty. Because you’re so good at keeping things to yourself, and pretending like everything’s okay. You’ve always been good at that. You’re a pretty good actor, yourself.

·         And you kept telling me you were fine. You even yelled at me in the same conversation that you said to gtfo of your life, that “I’M FINE!!”. Well. Ususally when people YELL that they are fine, they are not fine. You even got angry when I asked you about your nerf gun! Like it was some kind of accusation. Like everything I said was an accusation. But then you’d switch back to being playful and flirtatious like nothing happened. It just made no sense, and confused me to no end. You didn’t even seem to realize, or wouldn’t admit it.

·         I don’t know why I didn’t just give up. I don’t know why I still haven’t. For some reason I still believe that you aren’t an asshole or a bad person, and wouldn’t do this on purpose, and that you do care and  will finally think about why you’ve been so angry and open up and explain. Like last year.  

·         Though, you’re probably not even going to read this, because its a “big block of text”. I could probably just start talking about dinosaurs and aliens and space monkeys and you probably wouldn’t even know. I’m in a teacup why am I in a teacup! What’s a pear say? Ima pear. Balloonnnss. Curtains. I once forgot dinosaurs lived before us when I went to look for pictures of  them online, wondering why I couldn’t find any real ones...

·         I know you said you loved me. And you said you were glad we had sex, that you didn’t regret it. And I remember you said you regretted your first time because you didn’t care that much for her. And I thought that was really...great, of you. Not that it’s great that you regretted it, but most guys wouldn’t admit that, most guys would never even feel that. Sex is sex to them, but to you, at least I thought, it was something special. Though, maybe not. Maybe you just wanted to fuck me and it meant nothing and just said you loved me so I would do it.

·         I was planning on formatting this into well, some type of format. But I think it’s best this way, with just whatever came to mind, in whatever pieces in whichever order. And it’s not in order, either. It was, but...I’ve added to it, deleted from it, over a few days... You might not even know anyways, you might not even look at it. And if you do, I guess from the bizarre way you’ve been acting, you’ll probably just think I’m a nut anyway, and think I’m even more creepy. But I guess that doesn’t matter, because it can’t get any worse than you not talking to me. It’s not like a long crazy letter could do any more harm. I have nothing to lose, considering it seems I’ve already lost you.

·         Maybe when you said to GTFO of your life, I should have just said FINE. Maybe last year when you threatened blocking me, I should have just said FINE.

·         Well, if you’re read this far I guess I’m lucky.

·         And if you really want me to GTFO of your life, well I guess you’re lucky, because I’ve decided I’m not coming back to University. Not after all this. So, you won’t have to see me around, and well, I guess you probably won’t have to ever see me again. Just what you wanted. Lucky you.

·         Maybe I would have been lucky, too, had I listened before. Before I spent this entire year trying to convince you I wasn’t going to leave, that I didn’t want anyone else but you.

·         I’m trying to think of angry things to say, but all I can think of are nice ones. I want to call you a stupid pig, and if you don’t respond, well, that’s probably what I will think. But if you are, then you wouldn’t care anyway. I highly doubt you would pay attention this long if you didn’t care, though. I suppose you could be browsing quickly through. I really don’t know what you’re doing. You could have just saw that it was a message from me and deleted it before even reading the first line.

·         Well, I’m almost certain you haven’t read this far, or any of it, so I guess this is goodbye. I’m going to Mexico for a while to...get away. Have fun at University. I hope you find something or someone that makes you as happy as I saw you... before.


Oh, my love. Open up again...

"You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same..."

I love you. Please let yourself feel again. You've lost yourself, and I can't lose you. Find the strength to tear down the wall, and trust me. Please find your way home. <3

go ahead keep on
twisting the knife you have pushed into my heart.... just keep on, till you have had enough and feel like pulling it to put me out of my misery.

thanks for thinking of others so much that you go out of your way to speak to them...but never me. i have to watch you and swallow the hurt...

the agony.

how can you call me your sister, your friend, and treat me this way? you once told me your deepest secrets, came to me for advice, for comfort. now you act as if i never existed.

out of sight

out of mind...

but only for some.

What Is Going On In His Mind?!
So I deleted Jayden from facebook and msn and everything...

So far he hasn't even noticed, which I expected.

So moving on...

The friend that was interested in me...that things got fucked up with, that I still have no idea what is going on, was on msn today and didn't talk to me.

He (Tito, btw) still hasn't explained why he was so annoyed with me. He said *I* was what's wrong with our friendship. And then I say ok, bye. And he still tried to say hi when we passed in person. When we talked after, he claimed I was giving him the cold shoulder. Well can you blame me? I wasn't ignoring him on purpose so much as, understood that he didnt wanna talk to me. And him saying hi in person seemed like a smack in the face, ignoring what had happened to pretend everything's normal. It hurt.

And he didn't even say goodbye. I happened to see him off, when I had breakfast in the morning and saw the bus come into the parking lot. I went to the window and saw him...I wanted so much to run out and hug him...

I wasn't even going to talk to him on msn, but I just couldn't help it. He even continued to be angry with me, and he was about to click ignore. How could he? Do I mean that little to him?? He said I changed his mind. He said he'd rather not lose a friend, even though he has plenty.

He's such a great guy, and we were so close before, I don't understand why he's acting like this.

First of all, some history:

We met and we got along great. And so we started hanging out more and more, and it was kinda like we were dating. But I was still in love with Jayden...and then Jayden asked me to get back together, I told Tito and he was upset obviously, but said if it was Jayden I loved, then I should be with him.

Well then Jayden broke up with me AGAIN. And slowly it went back into kind of dating with Tito. It would be hot and cold; every time I mentioned Jayden, it would get cold and then slowly warm up again.

One night after mentioning Jayden, we went to Tim Horton's together and he was clearly upset, and wouldn't tell me why. That was a few months ago.

And then recently he started getting annoyed with me. I noticed whatever I said or did seemed to bug him. So I asked him about it. And he said he was because we didn't act like friends.

So I asked him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to be friends, or more. On msn he said friendship, but when I went to his room to talk to him, he said he didn't know. And then when we talked after the "fight" about it, he said he just wants "to see". Which I have no problem with at all! It's what we've been doing the whole year, and I've been good with that. He accused ME of wanting a "plan for a relationship". I still don't know how he can see that. He also said a lot of random things that didnt seem to connect, such as:

"You need a play-by-play" BUT: I never asked what we WERE, until he admitted it was the reason he was so annoyed with me. I just went on what HE told me.

"You stop by to visit, you should have an intention other than visiting."
BUT: he often called me and ASKED me to visit. And I don't think I visited that often. Sometimes just to say hi and get back to work. In which case he often asked me to stay, or go get homework and come back down so we could do it in the same room.

*I* thought it was HIM that wanted definition. I mean, he's the one that was annoyed and said that was the reason. I wanted to solve whatever it was, because obviously I don't want him being annoyed with me. But HE would rather ignore it.

He said recently that he doesn't feel that he needs to own up to me. I don't even really know what THAT means. If he means he doesn't need to tell me how he feels, I guess that's true, but if he's annoyed with me, I think I have the right to know why.

I really like him, and I don't know what I want with him, but I know I want to be friends. And if he keeps refusing to talk about it, that could end our friendship...

He asked me what I wanted. And I told him I didn't know. I also added, what does it matter (because online he had said he wanted to be friends), that if he wanted friends it didnt matter what I wanted. He said he still wanted to know. He asked if I could deal with just being friends, and I said well I'd have to now wouldn't I. It seemed like the way he asked that he was unsure of what he wanted. Like he said friendship because he thought that was what I would say... I don't know.

I might want more, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many things, but mostly of being left again. Jayden didn't even give me a reason, or a warning, he just decided he didnt want to be with me anymore. And I'm also afraid I might have ruined a chance with Tito. The most recent thing he said was that we'd just see what happens. I'm fine with that, but I still need to know what made him upset before.

I just don't get what is going on in his head! Maybe he doesn't know what he wants and he's annoyed with THAT? He's never liked discussing feelings. He hates serious talks. I like him a lot, but that's one of the things that worries me, that he wont speak up when something's bothering him.

But I guess maybe I made him realize he was annoyed, before he realized it himself. He did kind of react that way...

gah! Anyone? Guys? >.<


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