Hospitals @ MindSay

I finally got to hold Jacob today! So it's only been two days... but believe me, it's been a lifetime. It was wonderful. I got to spend an hour cuddling him, I loved it and so did he. He is so precious and content. He's still on CPAP but he should be getting taken off that tomorrow! The doc is happy that he's breathing well enough to not need it anymore. That will be so exciting. I've not really been able to get a proper look at his little face. He will be so relieved to get it off too; he's started tugging at it, so no doubt he must hate it... understandably. I'll bet he'll take being cramped in my tummy with Olivia kicking the living daylight out of him 24/7 over that! Olivia continues to do well too. They are both amazing little babies.

It is taking its toll on me though. It's so damn difficult. I still have a ton of hormones and therefore am an emotional wreck. No matter how much I might have tried to prepare myself... it makes no difference whatsoever. If anything, it is much harder this time. Yes, I've had babies in the NICU three times, so it is nothing new to me. It is not something you can ever get used to, even if you expect it. It is still a total nightmare. You're supposed to deliver your babies and then bring them straight home with you. You're not supposed to leave them at the hospital, for unforeseeable amounts of time. You're not supposed to have to see them covered in wires and tubes. You're not supposed to need multiple nurses to lift your babies with all their wires just so you can have a cuddle. It's not supposed to be like this.

I don't know whether it makes it easier or harder that there seemed no reason they arrived so soon. With Frankie there was a reason, I had pre-eclampsia, and so I know nothing could have been done. This time, there was nothing. Had I not been so stupid and realised earlier in the day that I wasn't having Braxton Hicks, maybe I could have gone to the hospital, and maybe they could have stopped the contractions, so I could have stayed pregnant another few weeks. I am so grateful for the delivery, however. It was wonderful, and what I had hoped for for a long time. But the fact that they had to be whisked straight out of my arms and taken away to intensive care just completely negates the wonderful dream I got to live. They were supposed to stay with me. They were supposed to get to come straight home. That is how it is supposed to go.

I'm sorry. By no means am I disappointed in my babies... they are perfect. There is no doubt about it. I am just so emotional and the NICU way of life is so very difficult... you can only understand if you've experienced that yourself. I love my babies so very much, and I am so happy they are doing so well.. but the fact remains that babies shouldn't spend their first weeks of life separated from their parents in a hospital unit.

Hi guys, just a quick update. I have barely been on the computer in a few days. Do I need to explain why? I think not. Most of the days have been spent at the hospital, and I've been so tired and drained I've just crashed straight away.

Anyway, a quick update of the babies. They are both doing wonderfully :) Their doctors are quite positive that they will be able to come home in two weeks! That is amazing news. Both of them have been taken off all their monitors and IVs because they are strong enough not to need them- they just have their feeding tubes. Jacob now weighs 3lbs 14oz, and Olivia now weighs 3lbs!!! :D They are gaining weight so quickly.

They got to meet each other for the first time today -- well, they were reunited. Let's say Jake was feeling it more than Livi... lol. I figure she holds a lot of resentment for him having her so cramped up in my tummy! She made him scream by tugging on his feeding tube (picture 8) - check out that look of pure annoyance on her face! Olivia was generally being fussy about the whole reunion thing, so it lasted a grand total of about 10 minutes. Oh well! We got some really great pictures of them together. I hope you enjoy :)

I want to say a few thank yous:

• Firstly to Dianne (InsaneAngel) for keeping everyone updated with the news of Jacob and Olivia. And just for generally being a star!
• And to my sister Kaylz who rushed round at a moment's notice to sit with the kids, and did an amazing job of delivering the news to everyone as and when it happened!
• A big thank you to Kimmy (WonderingSoul) for the beautiful birth announcements made for the babies. I absolutely love them. I am going to print them off so I can keep them, and put them in the babies' room :)
• And to everyone else for all your congratulations and well wishes. It means a lot.

I'm doing okay. I'm still a little shell shocked, to say the least. Their arrival was not expected. I had been having [what I thought were] Braxton Hicks contractions all day since I woke up. It wasn't until later in the evening that they were getting stronger and closer together that I realised they just *might* be the real thing. Indeed they were. There was NO stopping those babies. They wanted out. When I got to the hospital I was already dilated 3cm, and was having contractions every 10 minutes. I was put onto an IV of Magnesium Sulphate to try and stop the contractions and halt labour. It didn't really work, I kept dilating and about 45 minutes later I was at 5cm... point of no return. Those babies were coming, and very soon!

It all went amazingly well. To have a natural delivery is a dream for me, it still hasn't really sunk in that it actually happened. There were no complications at all, it really went perfectly. I'll spare you the details for now, I know that Dianne was giving regular commentaries anyway! But..

Jacob Taylor Desantis
12th July 2007, 2:46am
3lbs 9oz
17.5 inches

Olivia Riley Desantis
12th July 2007, 3:02am
2lbs 10oz
16.5 inches

They are both so perfect and beautiful. So tiny. It is very hard having them being in NICU. I had known right from day one they'd be early and more than likely have to do some time in the baby unit, and so I had been trying to prepare myself... but it made no difference. Doesn't make it any easier to have to leave them there. I know they are in good hands though.

They are both doing really well. Olivia may be tiny but she sure is feisty and is holding her own. Jake is a fighter too but already I think he will be more laid back than his sister... she is going to be the trouble-causing one, I know it! Jake is having a little trouble breathing, he can breathe by himself, but is occasionally struggling, so he is on CPAP just to help him along. He should only be on that a couple of days, before he can come off and confidently breathe for himself. Olivia has had no problems breathing by herself, so she hasn't needed any kind of ventilator.

Looking at their pictures that you have all seen, that were taken soon after birth, you'd think they were two very healthy babies. They are a lot tinier in person. Livi is smaller than Jacob, as you can see. It is very upsetting to see those pictures, then have to see them in the intensive care unit with all the wires and tubes on them. Still, underneath all of those, they are still the same perfect babies. Obviously no-one can say just yet when they will be able to come home, it's just a matter of seeing how well and how quickly they progress. So far everything looks positive, except being early, they are both in perfect health, so their stay in the hospital shouldn't be prolonged.

I haven't yet been able to get a proper cuddle with Jake :( I got to hold him for a brief moment straight after he was born, but then he had to be whisked away, cleaned up and taken to NICU. With him on the CPAP, I have not been able to hold him. I have had lots of cuddles with Olivia though- I am being encouraged to do kangaroo care with her- where I cuddle her against my bare skin. Skin-to-skin contact is very good for her. I love doing it, I can spend an hour just holding her close and it is wonderful. I want to be able to do the same with Jake though :(

Since I have just realised I haven't mentioned him... the new daddy is doing good too. He's been amazing, and obviously he is so thrilled about his newest little bundles of joy. It's been pretty tiring for him too though! It was just as big a deal for him as it was for me to be able to have a natural delivery. It meant he could be there, and he felt more a part of the arrival of his babies. It was a really wonderful experience for both of us.

The big brother and sisters are SO excited, too. Kelsey and Ally (can't call them "the twins" anymore!) and Amelia came to visit the babies yesterday. They of course instantly fell in love with them. They are not phased by the NICU anymore. They saw Frankie there, and so understand what's going on. Mia is actually very interested in all of it, she knows that she was there as a baby too and so loves going to learn about it. Her picture is up on the wall- they have a big montage of photos of all the babies who have been in there (so Riley and Taylor and Frankie are up there too), and Mia has to go spot herself on the wall, lol. Ben and Frankie haven't met them yet, but I think in time we will take them. They've seen the pictures, Frankie isn't very interested (I think she's going to be big trouble when we bring the babies home...!) but Ben is excited about getting a brother, just as he has been for a few months! They are a bit too young to understand the NICU but it will be nice for them to meet them in there anyway; besides, all the nurses who cared for Frankie are dying to see how big she has got!

This is much too long. I have to go and do something useful now before we head back to the hospital a little later on.

Olivia and Jake aren't even 48 hours old yet, but it already feels like they have been here so much longer. I have a separate blog just for them, but since they are pretty much all that's on my mind right now, I'm going to be posting updates here too. I also have new pictures, but I don't want to post them here. I may do, in friends-only entries. But for now, if you want to see them, I'm more than happy to share them with you over instant messenger or email, so let me know.

Today has been a good day. They are doing good. I didn't get to spend much time with them though, since it is going to be difficult juggling time between being at the hospital and here at home with the kids. I don't want everyone else to get shoved off onto grandparents whilst we are with the babies all of the time. It is very hard to strike a balance though, especially when I miss the babies so much, it  breaks my heart to have to leave them. No matter how many times you've been through it before, it doesn't make it any easier.

Jake is still on CPAP, which is helping him breathe. As I think I said in the last entry, he is breathing by himself, he is just needing a little extra help. I haven't got to hold him, which makes me feel so bad, because I feel like Olivia is getting all the attention and he isn't. I really hope we'll be able to hold him soon. Hopefully he'll be breathing good enough to be taken off the CPAP in a day or two. Both of them have lost a couple of ounces from their birthweight, which is totally normal. Olivia is now 2lbs 8oz, and Jake is now 3lbs 7oz. Hopefully now they will gain weight, and fast.

I've spent two hours today cuddling with Olivia, and it has been great. I have some pictures, which are just adorable, and show just how tiny she actually is. It fills me with such joy to be able to hold her so close, but such sadness that all I can do to show Jake I love him is stroke his head or hold his hand. And nothing breaks my heart more than having to leave them to come home..

Jake's been taken off CPAP this morning! This is very exciting, because it means he's no longer having difficulty breathing by himself and it means we get to take a proper look at his face without all those nasty tubes and wires in the way. And I can cuddle him all the more now :) The little guy seems so relieved he's had it taken off too. He was pulling and tugging it yesterday, and this morning he's been sleeping with his hand right by his face as if to say "ahh, this is nice, I can actually touch my face now!"

Just so you can see how beautiful he is... :)