Horny @ MindSay

My heart is aching right now. It wants to be held.

 

I need someone to talk to but everyone is too close. Everyone.  I just want to express my love and desires.

I should be telling my boyfriend, but I dont know if he wants to hear that right now. Even tho he does.

 

I just miss him, and need him in my arms. If i think that i will go through this life without ever holding him, kissing him, loving him, I cry. I cry cry cry cry. I could cry all day if I couldnt stop those thoughts.

 

I just went for a healing, and my kundalini is rising, my sexual self is REALLY waking up, REALLY coming out. and it got stuck and im trying to make it go up and i just feel the energy brewing insiide of me.

 

 

Healing Notes

 

man in a shell, afraid to be a man, hides as a boy
wont come out to me, cant express feelings, wants to be in control but hes not when i voice
my desire. strangled.unable to speak.  spins the world on his finger....

fish man - hubby. will fill my belly, zones out while eating, wont hear me if i speak. Just as ravenous with my body and he is with food.

give me my son and my daughter, exact replicas of their parents.

 

Boyfriend

we will always be distant with intervals of physical closeness. we heal each other sexually and emotionally, and some how are sexually together when we're so far apart.

Kundalini rising, stuck in my solar plexus affecting my sexuality.

Fullfill our relationship to the fullest, because we need it, and we will leave healed, and fullfilled.

 

 

 

 

Even now i can feel my body asking, craving for sexual pleasure, sexual relief. Oh i want it.

I just want him to touch me, be within me, i just want to feel him entirely.

 

I love him so much. its painful to be parted. my mind torments me with pictures and scenarios.

 

Frig, i admit it. im horny and i want him and only him

I'm wondering if I'm finally getting my period, I haven't had it in over a year, I almost forget what it feels like :P

That might be why I'm horny as hell, I know I'm not pregnant, just waiting for Aunt Flo...ugh.

 

i guess its time i make an entry, might as well be #2600, lol. there's a lot of things i want to say so i'm not sure where to begin. i guess the obvious is that my computer is up n running again. unfortunately i lost EVERYTHING on it, tho- lost my sims, lost all my pictures including one of me holding a cup of my grandma's ashes, n all of microsoft office. (yeah, this thing didn't come w/ it) hopefully i have not lost my music, tho, because i had it on a back up hard drive. if i end up losing it all i might have to kill myself, tho. a lot of that music i only have on my iPod, n that dumb thing doesn't let u take music off of it. i understand why its made that way, but its still frustrating as hell if u've, i dunno, lost all ur music!!

 

but lets see, what else...i've started playing D&D. i know that's extremely geeky, but my parents used to play it when they were dating n my brother plays it now, so i kinda figured it was time for me to get on the bandwagon, huh? lol. n i have to admit, it is kinda weird, to say the least. its not like a group of friends that i'm playing w/, its like a club n they get REALLY into the role-playing aspect. its like improv again, except that its a character that u stick w/, n improv was never my strong point in acting. i didn't do it this last friday tho cuz i went to earthdance, which is a whole other entry for a whole other time n i'll explain what that is n how awesome it was. (i know that i've mentioned it on there both last year n the year before, but i don't remember how far i explained it. n of course, all the explanations u hear are worthless once u actually go n see it for urself) i hope they're not too mad, but i have a feeling they might be cuz they take the game really seriously.

 

also, sean n i might start seeing each other again. i'm not sure if n e of u remember who that is, but he's one of two seans i've hooked up with n yes, i'm talking about the second one, the one that i actually fucked n has a huge cock. (this thing is seriously like 7 1/2 inches long, no lie) we only saw each other once, at the end of my freshman year cuz then he graduated n went back to Santa Rosa or wherever it is he's from for like a year. apparently he's back up here n he let me know cuz he wants to have sex again. no, sex w/ him wasn't that great but it wasn't bad either, n since he's the only guy i've ever had sex with that's really big i want to explore more with that. besides, i haven't had sex since June n the last person it was with is Jimmy, so i deffinately need to hook up w/ someone else, haha. i was hoping i could start hooking up w/ Rob on a regular basis this semester for various reasons, one of which being that he's also really big n since i'm curious i want to experiment more with that, as i just said, but also because we didn't actually have sex last time n damn, what a tease! lol.

 

in all seriousness, tho, i called him (finally) last week to see if he was going to earthdance so i could get a ride...n it turns out he got into a car crash n broke his spine on the first day of school. yeah. he's spending the semester recovering in SF, where he was born n raised, n he'll be back next semester. it made me really depressed not cuz now i don't get to see him, but because that fucking sux! everything about that sux to say the least. he said he can still walk n stuff, but that's still so aweful. i still feel really bad n me being me i wanna try to cheer him up or something, but i'm sure it would just annoy the piss out of him, lol. this really is a curse, the way i feel for ppl n my desire to make them happy. i'm trying to let that go in some ways, tho, because as n e one who reads this thing knows, it never gets me n e where. :(

 

lastly before i leave to go to a psyc club meeting on campus...damn, i forgot. sorry, my cat Puma was doing something so i paid attention to him for a bit n i totally lost my train of thought...oh yeah! reanna was nice enough to get Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof for me yesterday when i was in class (for u other grindhouse fans, i agree that its super lame that Death Proof n Planet Terror are being released seperately, but again i do understand why they're doing it.) n the uncut version makes sooo much sense! yes, i liked the movie before, but i like it a lot more now. i thought about telling Rob about it cuz u get to see the lap dance, too, but then i realized he might not wanna see a movie where ppl get fucked up in cars yet...heh. but then again who knows?

yesterday i noticed that j had posted a bunch of new pictures on his myspace of various things. I left a "<3" on one of Squeakers n i said "i've been there" on a pic of this campground him n carly apparently went to up in humboldt n he'd posted a little entry simply saying that squeakers had died n i replied saying "its never easy losing someone u love...<3". so i signed on to post a bulletin saying i'd finished the chronicles of narnia (because i finally did tonight) n low n behind i'm short a friend on myspace. i wonder who it is n then i start looking thro the bulletins...n then i notice there isn't one that should be there. that was posted yesterday. n then i feel that sinking feeling in my gut. n i look at my friend list. n sure enough, j deleted me. i look at his profile n he deleted all of my comments. i have no idea wtf i did to make him decide he wants nothing to do w/ me. i wanna bawl my eyes out but i don't wanna wake up my family, i wanna cut up my arms but i almost wonder what's the point. i wanna call him but i don't wanna make things worse, i wanna know wtf happened. as of a couple weeks ago he had no problem w/ me, still wanted to fuck me, etc. now it seems like he wants to cut me out. i sent him a message that just asked, "why'd u delete me off of ur friend list n all of my comments? what did i do?" n i know he won't respond n i'm gonna wait n maybe call him on friday. we'll see, i'm sure he'll be raving n i have to work on saturday, too, but i dunno. Reanna called me earlier today n we're supposed to go to Santa Cruz tomorrow cuz we're both feeling shitty n we're supposed to meet Zach n her friend Alia might come n if she does we might meet up w/ two of Alia's friends in Santa Cruz. if j hadn't deleted me he might see that in the bulletin i just posted cuz i know he likes Reanna, but wtf ever. one thing is for sure, if he doesn't wanna have sex n e more (which really sux cuz i've been SO horny), then i sure as hell don't have a reason not to cut n e more. i've been trying not to do it since Monday so my stomach would heal by the time my period is over (its this week), but i guess there's no point, huh? i just kinda wish he'd talked to me. why don't ppl ever like talking things the fuck out??!! communication is key, n why can't ppl see that something that isn't much to them might mean the fucking world for somebody??!! i mean fuck, he's gonna be in Davis this next year n e way! it was just the summer, just the summer, n when the summer was over i was gonna ask if he still wanted to if/when he came n visited humboldt, but i guess that's just too fucking much to ask for. maybe carly told him we talked??!!