Hoping @ MindSay

So honestly, I don't know anymore.

My life is beyond crazy at the moment.

Between, struggling to keep my grades above a C

and trying to keep myself from falling apart again,

I have no time left for maintaining my sanity.

Teachers  -- 

Seems like the more everyone in class is ready to wrap things up and get ready for summer,

the more the teachers want to force us to study and do 6 hours of homework. 

two words:   not kewl. =/

At Home --

Parents.

Enough said, right?

Yeah.

I try to do everything right,

say all the right things to them

hoping it'll get them to leave me alone,

even doing chores and any other random shit they want done,

but still, I'm not good enough.

I'm not the daughter they'd been hoping for.

I know that for the 15 years I've been alive,

they've secretly been hoping that I would eventually become this wonderfully amazing child

The one they'd always dreamed of.

Guess I'm just a huge disappointment.

I'll never be good enough for them.

I'm just hoping that one day I can just get over that

and try not to think about how I've disappointed everyone.

Friends --

Hmmm.. what is there to say?

well, okay, so recently, I've found out things about a few of my friends that i almost wish i didnt know.

Smoking.

Drinking.

Self-Piercing.

And god only knows what else.

I mean, yeah, it may not seem that bad,

but i just think of how long this could have been going on and kept as a secret from me.

can i trust these people?

I dont know. I guess.

And at the same time, I'm actually closer to my friends than I ever have been before.

It's Me Against The World [and the world is winning] --

That basically sums up the last week.

First the shit between me and Becca.

Yeah, I was having a HORRIBLE day.

i took it out on her by saying "fucking fantastic" when she was going on and on about how happy she was.

yeah, i probably shouldnt have,

but havent we ALL done that before??

yeah. we have.

but instead of her just saying "well, somebody is bitchy today. . ."

and being done with it,

she goes on to say that Chris deserves better than me [true, but not her place to say that]

then she says some more shit like that.

the next day ends up being pretty much the same.

then yesterday (Day 3) I end up saying she's fake [it's true]

she gets her [asshole] of a boyfriend involved.

(yeah, dnt lie to me bitch, i know you went whineing to him and made him "fix it")

so i get a message from him saying "becca's fake"

(pssst.. yeah she is) but instead i say " let het bitch fight her own battles, this has nothing to do with you"

it should have ended there.

it didnt

he goes on to say "why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy"

(basically the convo goes like this, blue is him, the other is me)

why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy

umm.. no, sry, it dnt exactly work like that. :/

darn

why do you grasp to fals hope of ing happy with him?

being*

your just fooling yourself and slowly killing him

. . . well, 1- your wrong, & 2- is this supposed to make me feel terrible or sumthin? not working. maybe if it was coming from anyone else, but coming from u, it means nothing. :/

it doesnt?

how many times have you seen him in person

why do you care? mind your own fucking business

no Chris is like my best friend

and he has turned against me cuz your making his life misreble

i know, how can i be his best friend and trign to break hime and his gf up?

he cant see what best for him

hes only gonna get worse

it wont be the same person ever again if this keeps up

well, sry, but it's not up to you.

i know

its up to you and your killing

him

w/e

not my life or bf

hes gnna be diffrent forever

and cant you understand that you can never be with him?

your so far away and only met him once...

it dosent work

i've tried it before

and i almost ended up killing myself

is that what you want for him or you?

you cant say fer sure that is what would happen. you dont know. mmk. not everyone is like you. :/

its doomed to fail

and Chis is soo much like i se to be its not funny

And thats where it ended.

Yeah, what i was saying was pathetic, I know.

But if you've ever been put in a situation where you have someone like this asshole sayin shit,

a crazy fake delusional bitch saying shit,

both of your parents goin at you,

and you're trying to keep yourself from crying,

you'd understand that it's damn near impossible to come up with any convincing things to say.

and thats what sucks.

but it's kewl.

I dont need people like that in my life.

So yeah, I guess thats all I gotz to say =/

i  Chris

Every step I take in this world seems to sink - as if I'm sleepwalking.
And the light I see is fading.
To concede my defeat would be bliss to me.
My vision begins to fade; a tunnel around my sight.
The future seems so improbable.
If only I could run faster than these demons.
If only I could fly faster than these lies.
I keep closing my eyes hoping to dream and never return.
I keep closing my eyes hoping to dream and never return.
To slit my wrists and spill my blood would sing the sweet song of oblivion.
These leeches that come to me at night - these sirens softly singing almost have me swimming.
These phantoms that whisper to me; their breath - so cold, their voices so loud.
The ties that bind - would steal the breath from me.
The ties that bind - begging me to sleep.
Yet I choose to live and reject this demise.
For hope remains where there is life.
My life - this day, has almost claimed me - yet tonight....
Tonight I am alive.
Tonight I am alive.
Tonight I am alive.
Tonight I am alive.
Tonight I am alive.
Tonight I am alive.
All it would take is a word, a single loving word from you and I would have the strength to overcome the walls that I have built up against myself.