Hopes @ MindSay

i'm always tired.
i like to sleep.
i always brushed love off, but now i've found someone that makes me happier than anything, even when he annoys me i'm happy.
i love sleeve tattoos.
i wouldn't want a tattoo myself, i'm too indecisive.
i want to move away.
i try to speak properly.
i can't decide whether i like my yorkshire accent or not.
i miss how easy GCSE's were.
i'm scared I messed up my first year of college.
i want an apartment in London, a cottage in the country and a nice big house somewhere down south.
i love phone calls.
i like texts to wake up to.
i always spend too much on my phone bill, but i never cut it off.
i like big deep bubble baths or long hot showers.
i wish i was just a couple of inches taller.
i like my legs and my bum.
i want an operation on my eye so i don't have to wear glasses anymore, but i don't dare.
sometimes it's nice to have something bad happen, everyone loves to complain about the injustice of the world.
i try really really hard to see the best in everyone.
generic people with horrible strong fake tan and short hair really annoy me, but it's probably because i'm jealous.
my ideal job is a glamour model.
secrets are special.
waking up in thomas' arms was the happiest moment of my life so far.
i'd give pretty much anything to live down south.
my laptop is a pain in the arse, but it's about the only decent thing i own.
mash is my favourite food in the world.
i have a house in italy.
i like summer dresses and picnics, despite the hayfever repercussions.
i wish i had the confidence to do things that make me look better.
i'd love a nose job and a chin removal.
holding hands makes me feel safe.
i have problems with crossing roads.
i like road trips.
leeds united are a bag of scumbags.
i wish i had more strength to control my eating, i'd love to be super skinny again, despite people saying my ideal weight looks good.
dough balls from pizza express are positively sexual.
as much as i deny it, meerkat manor is pretty amazing.
daisy chains remind me of handstands on the school field.
i always have headache.
i wish i looked live vikki blows, that would complete my life i think.
football, cricket, tennis, snooker, grand prix; where it's at.
- i've not finished this.

You plod along through life fulfilling your personal multitudes of responsibilities – you work, you run errands, you go home and work some more – maybe even work out for your own physical good instead of for everyone else’s demands,  you chill out in front of a boob tube or in a book, you go to sleep,  then you get up the next day and do it all again. On occasion when you can fit it into either your schedule or your energy level…or BOTH… you schedule a few hours for dinner or lunch, or even an entire day for some random recreation with friends you don’t have time to see NEARLY as much as you would like. Of course, you will PAY for that recreation time with extra hours of make-up time in the errand and work category, either before or after your digression from responsibility, but it seems worth the sacrifice…at least sometimes.

In quiet moments, you sometimes contemplate the possibilities for your future, which really don’t look so promising from your present vantage point. You realize your life isn’t exactly as you had once hoped it would be, but it is as it should be and you’ve learned to accept it.

Every now and then some sappy chick flick comes on the cable channel you happened to leave your TV on while you’re working on your laptop, or dusting and cleaning house or trying to juggle your bills and bank account, or sometimes while you’re just lying on the sofa being a slug for no special reason at all other than that you are convinced that you have earned the privilege to be a slug when you damn well feel like being one. You try not to get involved in the sappy love story on the TV because you’ve been around the block enough times to know that crap like that just doesn’t happen in real life. MEN like that just don’t happen in real life. And yet, in the closing scenes, you find yourself foolishly wondering, “Why can’t that happen to ME?” You shrug and chuckle at your own silliness in even considering such a foolish question – you remind yourself that such things just don’t happen in real life, to real people, like you. Then you get up and get back to work and to minding the responsibilities that you’ve shamefully neglected for 2 hours while indulging in some absurd female fantasy.

And then one day when you least expect it – not just because you’ve lost all hope for expecting it but also because you don’t even feel deserving to hope for it anymore – one day when you least expect it but need it most, but are far too proud to ever ADMIT that you need it – one day when you least expect it...

...something magical happens…

Well, I figured that I'd continue to write, and more fully dump out my thoughts. Especially as I refresh my myspace-home page hoping to see a "New Message!" thingy appear. At least this will let me get lost in my day dreams and indulge in this happiness that has been injected into my life. A rare thing at that as well. But regardless, I'm still pleased by this. Despite contrary belief, I do actually like being happy. I like it alot.

 

Right now I'm at my friends' apartment, which I consider to be like a second home. Sam is sitting next to me playing WoW, as we listen to a Beck CD. It's pretty fun, but I don't have much to do. I was on EVE-Online a smidge, and showed him and brandon how it worked and operated, but stopped that really quickly. Maybe I'm just intimidated by the vastness of space. Either way, I can't really find that much to do, so here I am.

 

I've also been tossing the idea of going back to working on a story. And also not a World of Warcraft fanfic. As much as I enjoy writting those. I have the thoughts in my head, and lots of different story possibilities at that. But still. The problem I usually have with that, is I have specific scenes that happen in my mind. Vividly and full of detail kind of scenes. The problem lies in how to string them together so they make sense. I'm sure if I stuck at it, I could do it eventually, but for the most part I just don't bother. Maybe I should be more commited to my writtings. But whenever someone goes out of their way to read my crap, it's always, "Oh, it's so good!" Usually said by people who hate to read and probably didn't even bother to read my crap. But either way, maybe I should lighten up my caring in that sector. Too many little things bother me, le sigh.

 

Apart from that, I'm lost in my day dreams. I'm still afraid I'm going to wake up. But at the same time, usually when you're afraid of something, or worried about something, it usually happens. So maybe I can just quit being so focused on these things and let go a little bit. That would be.. really nice. Especially when it comes to this girl. (Referenced as in the post below) I'm half torn between just shutting up and not rambling on about her like a love-sick puppy dog for fear of being a total idiot, and between gushing out everything that I'm feeling with my head in the clouds. But regardless, I'm astonished. That is probably the best way to describe my thought process. It's as if everything that I ever wished for, Some wonderful and amazing girl to save me from myself and make me feel so much better about everything, has just walked into my life. Plus, the rate in which we're connecting, does not help my level of attachment that just continues to grow.  What is wrong with me? While I'm extremely happy, part of me at least wishes that I could be like a normal person and not get so overwhelmingly attached so quickly. Especially when I don't want to turn her off or scare her away. She told me that she won't be, but, I'm still so insane.

 

I wish I could get away from here. I don't mean from my friends' apartment, but rather this area that I'm stuck in within the world. My mind races to thoughts of being places were I could be happy, without care, even if my life is difficult, everything would be okay since I'm there and everything is fine. While we were talking before, I expressed these thoughts of just wishing to get away. Jokingly, she said that I could come live with her. Haha. Except.. That would be so wonderful. Normal people simply just dismiss these kinds as haha-funny kinds of things. But me, of course not. I just have to be an idiot. Letting my mind wander onto the possibilities and how happy and dreamy it would be to be with someone so wonderful, and to me, perfect. But normal people don't think like that. What's wrong with me?

 

Either way, I'm happy with how things are. And I don't ever want to wake up. I just need to keep my daydreams in check.

I'm still here.

 

I tell myself that everyday. On Tuesday I thought about leaving. Fading away. Wonderous sleep. Thought isn't the correct term, knew, planned, desired, are better words to use. But I'm still here. And I really can't decide whether I'm weak or something else. My life is in a tumble. School. Work. Feelings. I am so tempted to carve myself up. Once for every agonizing thought that rips through my mind. I'd be bleeding to death in less than five minutes. Sigh. Maybe I am weak.

 

What am I clinging to? Emptiness? I guess that's one thing to do. I have nothing to cling to. I have no hopes and desires to drive me through the day. I have nothing pushing me forward in live. I have nothing within myself. I am, an empty shell. I keep trying to find things to fill that shell. Books, games, thoughts, dreams.. Nightmares. Dreams are lost to me now. And I've been so tired.. so very sleepy and overwhelmed by nothingness. What am I holding onto? Why can't I let go?

 

My parents are upset that I'm now opening the book of my life and pouring out my heart and soul to counsellors. How am I supposed to do that? How can I just say, "Yep, these are all the things that are wrong with me. I acknowledge this and realize other options I can do to achive a fix for this. The information you're telling me is, in fact, useless." There is, of course there oposition of, speaking to someone else offers different view points. Which I am not excluding. But for the most part, those other view points just make me angrier than I already am. And it is taking such great difficulties to keep my anger in check. It never used to be like this. Except for the last time. Time and past are blending into one sinking pit of gray. I can't climb out of it. The glass is broken, and it's cutting into me. My hands as I try to get out, my arms as I slip and fall, my face as it disappears.

 

There's no guardian angels to rescue me. The ladder is there in plain sight. But everytime I reach for it, it fades out of existance. If I go to a psychiatrist or counsellor, and I tell them, "Well, I want to end my life." and they proceed to go, "Why?" and I answer, "I don't really know. There's nothing in it." What the hell is this shit? What kind of answer is that? Are they then supposed to go on a spree of perscribing me a list of anti-depressants and various other medication for bi-polar and all this other bullshit I haven't even been diagnosted with? I don't even know what's wrong with me! Other than the face that I feel empty and cold and ugh. With each word I re-read and see in it's emoness I'm just sickened even more. My life isn't bad. There isn't anything to hate about it. But I'm just.. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm helping out at the elementary school, and the kids do make me happy. I want them all to grow up full and whole. Not broken and shattered like I've become. I don't want them to experience the sense of nothingness so profound they lose the desire to awaken to a new day. But at this point in their life, they don't understand any of it. I see their happy little faces, as I watch with my happy older one, my mask of happiness. My dead smile that has no depth. It's becoming all too noticable. To my parents, to my teachers, to my 'friends'. I need to get control of myself. I need to submerge these feelings of desolation beneath my shell where they belong. A little push here, a little push there.. making the way right for the future. But what future?

 

My emotions and feelings have also been trod and stepped upon, picked up and loved, set aflame and burned, and mended together out of hope. How do things like these end up happening? People say, "I'm not ready for a relationship." And defy what they say. But really, now I understand. Now I understand all of it. Now, I am truely alone. I can remember everyone I ever tried to reach out to. I can remember it all. I can remember things I've tried so hard to forget with all my might. But my glass is broken, and I keep falling and cutting myself upon it.

 

I simply exist to exist. And shadow living through the days until my existance eventually fades into the growing twilight. There is only death within me.

 

Poetic? Whatever. I'm just sick, tired, cold, and empty. There is no cure for the cold that I've caught.

 

No cure.

C'est le malaise du moment,
L'épidémie qui s'étend,
La fête est finie, on descend,
Les pensées qui glacent la raison.

Paupières baissées, visages gris,
Surgissent les fantômes de notre lit;
On ouvre le loquet de la grille
Du taudis qu'on appelle maison.

Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me

Protège-moi, protège-moi
Protège-moi, protège-moi
Protège-moi, protège-moi
Protège-moi, protège-moi

Sommes-nous les jouets du destin
Souviens-toi des moments divins
Planant, éclatés au matin,
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls.

Perdus les rêves de s'aimer,
Le temps où on avait rien fait,
Il nous reste toute une vie pour pleurer
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls.

Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want

 

 

Dear avid readers,

 

       Tonight didn't suck quite as bad as expected. And ski-lift-operating was fine due to the stupidly warm weather. 50 degrees at night in January? What the fuck, Batman. Anyways, moving on. I didn't really feel like working, but it's not terrible. At least the job is of course relatively simple. I do have school work to do before the semester ends, though. I wish I could describe in words how excruciatingly difficult it is for me to movitvate and discipline myself to do this work when my motivation and discipline levels are at an all time low. Wait, I'd even go far enough to say they're non-existant. Yeah, that sounds about right. Someone stab me in the face, I'd find it much more enjoyable than this bullshit I have to shove myself through in order to get by and pass this semester. Who knows the shit storm fest my parental units will bring upon my unworthy head should I fail a class. Ugh. End of semester. I'm looking forward to and dreading it at the same time. I think it'll make my brain melt.

 

I want to try and hurry this thought-dump by typing fast since I want to get to bed before 12:00 this time, which probably won't happen. I've been so tired. What, with the having to force myself to get up and go to school thing. Who would've guessed? Anyway. The day was beautiful. Everything about it was perfect except that I'm a living breathing entity trapped in prison, I mean, school, and I had reoccuring thoughts of Kaycie. I can submerge most of my agonizing feelings I have towards that--which I've been able to do sufficiently--but alot of them have unloaded and slapped me in the face. However, it has come to light that I am not alone in the world in my feelings and emotions, and that someone else exists! Yay! I'm very excited about meeting and talking to someone new. You really have no idea. And if you think that's sarcastic, get out. (See: Fuck your carrots  of the pervious entry)

 

I've also recently uploaded pictures on my myspace (guh) page of me, my Venom sweatshirt, my new keyboard which I'm typing on right now, and a picture of myspace itself!--In all it's shitty glory. Regardless, the url is simple: http://www.myspace.com/valihel  A /valihel  extension? Who would've guessed! Gasp. But I like my hair, having dyed it a new shade of auburn-red-color from my natural dark dark dark brown hair a week or so before christmas. I am very pleased with the result, even if everyone else could care less about the change. Change... It's really needed. It's still needed. I wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers to make everything fix and change and all that jazz, but it's not. Damnit.

 

I'm also aquiring new composition notebooks ( <3 ) and pens to do more writting that I want to do. Whether that's journals, or stories, or whatever. I don't.. really care. At all. I'm done with this trying to make sense of things crap. I'm throwing things out and bringing things in. Sure, I sound very angry and aggressive when I get in a "Fuck everyone!" mood, but at the same time, I really feel it's needed. I dwell so much on what people think of me that I forget myself. That I lose myself. That I never even had that grasp on myself. It's about time I do some digging and try to find what that "me" thing actually is. Though, I have a hunch it's insane. I think we have a winner. Sigh. All this soul searching and pulling myself back together junk. Sometimes I really want to give up and fade away. Where's that voice to tell me to pick myself up and stand tall? Oh right, it jumped ship and is now telling me to give up. Great. Usually in a situation like this, I'd say "Someone save me". But again, I know no one is going to jump into a hellpit of insanity to rescue me from myself. I'll do things my own way. Even if I have to cut myself into tiny pieces in order to rebuild myself. Or give up everything in the process. I'm not really sure. Does anyone have an answer? Who knows.

 

That's all for now. I need to sleep. Maybe this time I'll stay sleeping. That would be, wonderful.

 

 

Sincerely,

         Nikolas