Honesty @ MindSay

Michelle and I have an eventful last couple of days. During therapy last week I was told that my diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder was misdiagnosed. So there I was sitting in therapy feeling more lost than I ever had. She says my problem is I am emotionally and physically disconnected. I need to allow myself to feel and express my emotions. So my process of taking my armour off started on Friday night. During an intimate moment with Michelle I started to cry so hard. But she kept saying, "open your eyes and see me". That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is my response to difficult things to close my eyes, drop my head, and cry. And then I started to tell Michelle about things that I had never told her about. Then Saturday night we spent a couple of hours talking again. She tells me she is more in love with me now because I am opening up and being 100% honest with her. How can I allow someone to love me? Running has always been my response to love and being "comfortable". I have always believed I was unloveable. Michelle says I have a golden heart. What does that mean? That I am a good person? How could someone see that in me. But at the same time I want to see what everyone else sees in me. I am told by many people that I am a very good person with many things to be proud of. Well, I guess I should try and go back to bed and cuddle with Michelle. She woke up because I wasn't in bed. She always knows when I am missing. Could it be love?

You may have read in my last post that during my awesome birthday bash, my friends, family and I had ourselves a little murder mystery party.

 

I mentioned, oh so briefly, in passing, that I was the one who solved the case.

 

It was me that figured out that Kelly (as Police Chief Cameron), killed Justin (as the mob boss, Notorious Nick). I won't bore you with the details, except to say that I actually did think about the clues and then I just made a guess. I wasn't at all certain, I had a couple suspects in mind and I kind of thought it would be fun to accuse Kelly of murder.

 

And I was right! Actually, I was shocked. The only other time I ever played, it was so convoluted I couldn't figure it out after it was explained to me, so it was a shock that I was right. A delightful shock.

 

Why am I telling you this?

 

Well, a couple of people have mentioned to me, since the event, that they thought I cheated.

 

Cheated!

 

As if I would ever cheat. That's not me. I mean, seriously, cheating at a game where there's no cash prize? Come on...I have standards people.

 

For real, though, I have been accused of cheating--well, most people seem to think that Kelly told me that she was the killer.

 

I figured now would be a good time to state, on the record, I am not a crook. Oops, sorry, that was Nixon-- I am not a cheater.

 

And if you think Kelly would tell me, you don't know her very well. Girl loves her secrets. No way she would tell me--that would take all the fun out of it.

 

Oh, and haven't you ever met me, I'm a super smart girl. I figured it out. I swear.

 

Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye (is that how that goes? been a while...)

 

How about scouts honor? I was a girl scout for lots and lots of years- Girl Scouts don't lie.

 

Sigh. What can I do to make you people believe?

 

Okay, I just wanted it out there for everyone to read. I truly did play the game honestly and just put forth my best guess. And I was right. No chicanery involved. It was as on the level as it could be.

 

All right, we're done with that topic, right?

 

Whew. It was good to get that out.

 

Oh and by the way...

 

4 days strong.

Once upon a time, about 5 years ago, a then-friend, who is now more of an acquaintance, gave me the password to his email account. Ever since then I have been periodically signing in, just to see what I could see. Yes. Five years later and I still check this guy's email. It sounds stalker-ish, I know, but I really don't feel much shame or embarrassment in admitting this to whoever stumbles across this blog. Years ago, when I first was told his pw, his email was interesting. Now its pretty boring, but I still feel the need to sign in every few months. Curiosity about the private lives of others I guess.

Sometimes I think about the fact that I do this. I know the difference between right and wrong. When I do something I know is wrong, I feel guilty or nervous. Yet, in checking this dude's email I experience none of these feelings. I know that it is wrong but I guess I feel that it matters so little in the huge grand scheme of things that I don't care. As I write this I'm remembering other "wrong" things that I have done. I've cut class, I've cheated in school (although not on anything major like a test or paper) and in sports, I lie probably on a weekly, if not daily, basis. I do these things knowing they're wrong but honestly not caring one bit.

This makes me think a lot about my kids because here I am, expecting them to tow the line despite all the things I've done-and still do-wrong in my life. It motivates me to relax a bit because lets face it, who hasn't snuck in after curfew or faked sick or told a lie? And really I don't think there are many people who have turned out badly because of these things. Not that I'm going to let my second graders run wild or get away with everything, its just something to think about. Maybe a better title for this blog would have been Try DIShonesty, but I'm ripping off the Billy Talent song so oh well. The end.

WARNING
IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 AND/OR EASILY INFLUENCED GET OUT OF HERE
I CURSE and I live a negative lifestyle and I am so NOT responsible for any dumb ideas you get from reading this. 

Any how...

 I have many well let's just say a few minor complications from years of disordered eating.  I'm sort of half into and half out of recovery at this point.  I really don't have anyone to talk to about all this and sure I could go to therapy but I don't really like to be forced into anything.  I don't expect sympathy and if this blog gets zero comments forever I don't really care.  I'm just here to sort of rant and figure things out on paper... or screen I suppose.  If this offends anyone stay away.  If details trigger you... stay away.  If you want to tell me to just stop or call me stupid then stay away.  OK?

 Here I go.

I'm tired all the time.  I know it's my own fault and so when it brings other people down I feel like such a horrible person.  I'm sorry I can't stay up and drink with you.  The alcohol has too many calories and I'm tired OK?  I can feel my shoulder blades and the tense muscles between them.  It doesn't hurt but it feels awkward.  I've got to run today. 

Eating disorders are ugly.  My hands are scarred, my teeth are ruined.  I am afraid of my dinner tomorrow.  I currently look pretty healthy but the other night I got incredibly dizzy and I couldn't stop shaking.   I'm maintaining just enough visible normality that no one harasses me about my habits.  You see me eat.  You don't see me vomit till my throat bleeds, or throw the food away after a couple bites.  God my roommate must think I eat several tons of food a day!  I make a point to have people see me eat... so if I'm with someone all day the get to see me put on the meal show for EVERYONE I come into contact with.  It's a waste though.  I really don't have enough money to throw things out. 

My normal weight is killing me.  I can feel the bones in my shoulders and my ribcage as I move.  They want to be seen. 

                        Omar and the Milk woman

 

While Omar Ibn El Khatab was on one of his night walks in Madina, he heard a woman telling her daughter to mix the milk with water before they sell it.  He daughter told her that Omar the Khalifah has forbidden mixing milk with water.  He mother said to her: “But where is Omar now?” (meaning he does not see them).  The Girl said : “If Omar does not see us, Omar’s Lord sees us”.

 

Omar did not interfere with them but went home and called all his sons.  He asked them if any one of them wishes to marry, and his son Asem told his that he wants to get married.  Omar told his son Asem that he found him a good wife, and Asem married her.

 

Asem lived happily with his wife and had a daughter from her which Abd El-Aziz the son of the Abd El-Malik the Amawy Khalifa married.   They had a son they called Omar. Who is Omar Ibn Abd El-Aziz, who was titled the Fifth Righteous Khalifa when he became Khalifa.  He was very fair and just, in the mean time righteous and God-fearing.

 

His era was time of prosperity, peace and justice.  The unjust inside and the enemies outside feared him.  He is very well known in Islamic History although he ruled for less than 2.5 years.  Yet they had their mark in history and on the people at the time.

 

This is how to choose a good wife, on the basis or her righteousness and character not her wealth and beauty.  Allah’s messenger prayer and peace upon him said: “People marry women for 4 reasons, her wealth, her bread (family), her beauty and her Faith, win the one with the faith and you will have plenty in your hands”.   (Bukhari;Nikah,15)

 

 

Dr.Ahmed Saafan

Consultant Psychiatrist, El-Zohour Hospital

31 St. no. 9, Mokatum, Cairo

5084881 – 5084882

aamsaafan@yahoo.co.uk