Homeless @ MindSay

I dreamt about Jae last night.  It's his birthday tomorrow and I've been thinking a lot about the past anyway.

He and  I were tooling around town, trying to get something to eat.  We'd had no luck at Carl Jr's, so he went to Baskin Robbins.  I was still on a burger hunt, so I was at Wendy's.  They still hadn't taken my order when some kid brushes against my arm and I freak out and leave the restaurant.

I go across the street and I'm sitting with my back against the wall, just trying to chill.  Jae calls me and tells me that number 2563 was the best ice cream and I should totally go get some right now. 

I'm gathering my things to leave when I notice the kid from Wendy's is laying next to me, looking like he's going to sleep.  He couldn't have been more than 8.  I ask 'hey kid, is this where you're sleeping?'  He nods and pulls his legs closer to his body in attempt to stay warm 

I did through my cavernous purse and find a sweater and some gloves for the kid, who looks grateful for any kind of attention. 

I've just started to feel guilty about how good I have it when I wake up.

There aren't that many homeless people in Colorado Springs, at least in the places I venture.  But I've taken to stopping (not all the time, but more than not) to give what I can.

When Gregory and I were leaving for Monte Vista, there was a man on the corner with a sign that said 'very hungry' so I ran into Wal-Greens and got some lunchables type food, a few bottles of water, and a little bit of money.

I always think 'it could be me.'

Have I been lied to for years, possibly lying to myself? Am I able to continue on with my existence now that so much has happened, so much, in fact, that I cannot even fully comprehend everything at the moment? How can anything be okay now? So much I took from you as my comforting solution to the world's problems, so when everything leads me back to you, where do I go? I guess you never took my words seriously. For if you had, you would have seen the brutal honesty in everything I spoke of. If you were lying about everything you said, I guess I would have been more grateful for you to continue lying than to leave me in this state. I was being completely honest while your facade had dressed the wool over my eyes, it appears now.

I was ready. Ready to do whatever it took, whether it be missing out on possible schooling opportunities or my family completely disowning me. And in a short while we could have been happy. I didn't even give two shits that you were still with him or that you were going to continually see him for a while to come. Happiness to me, at that point, would have been seeing you able to enjoy life, have happiness, and making sure that you were safe. I can't stand it when you are hurt, or in a situation where you're helpless. I wanted to make sure you didn't get hurt again, like when you were at the last house. I wanted to help you with all this and more, because all of this mentioned is only scratching the surface. I wanted so much more, and I still don't understand why you couldn't see the beauty that it would have been. No, life would not have been perfect, but it would have been better than what you have now, and speaking of which, what do you have now? Do you even have a home? Do you have anyone anymore who will be there for you now and forever, literally until they die?

Don't say I only wanted to do this for lust, or do this for my own selfishness, or any other two-bit excuse, because I only had you in mind, and even after I expelled my heart unto you, you don't want to, or you don't care, or you've lied to me, or you're a sick and twisted sadist. I only make such examples because of my own reaction. I don't really believe that you're sick or a sadist, and you know it wouldn't matter what you did to me, that I will always remain who I am. And my words are gold, here, dear. I wouldn't, I couldn't, lie about such matters that I hold near and dear.

I will say that if you escape my life I will be in disarray. I can't go on existing on this plane, always wondering if you're okay, never knowing where you are. And then it happens again. Somehow someway you contact me, and we talk and things start to get better again. I can breathe again. You fill me with hope, confidence, and emotional security. Then you shoot me down again, press your stilettos into my back, dear, it's quite alright. But I can't do this forever. If you're truly heartfelt, and if you want to take this fantastical journey, say it, tell me by any means and I will initiate it. I will always be here for you, I could never swear off my loyalty to you. I may be a fool for such things, but I'd rather be a fool than lose my opportunity again. I hope you know all of this, for it is an unapologetic honesty that I present.

Here we meet again, my decrepit fingers against the grain of the dusty keyboard laid out before me. Long story short: I'm still apathetic, unemployed, and futureless. I don't know where to go from here. Truly, I am speechless, petrified, and mortified, all at the same time.

I'm starting to wonder if I will forever drown in the pain of my mistakes.

This song is mainly about homelessness, but to me, it also means something else. An old saying goes, "Home is where the heart is," and to me, if you aren't near where your heart is, you're not really home.

To say the least, I'm homeless, and there's a girl who may be in the literal sense. So, to all those other homeless punks out there, it's the good, the bad, and the leftover crack:

Ya Can't Go Home by Leftover Crack

It's too cold to sleep tonight
We could freeze to death I warn
It's so hard to want to fight
When you wish you were never born

This time you're gonna have to choose
You can stick with me, but you're gonna lose
But it's the same thing that I hear
Ya can't go home and ya can't stay here [x2]

And I'd do anything it takes
I wish that I could change it all
But I'll drown in the pain of my mistakes
Cause when I'm done searching, you know I'm gonna fall

We'll get a bottle to keep us warm
A little fucking shelter from the wicked storm
But it's the same thing that I hear
Ya can't go home and ya can't stay here [x2]

So today, rather than just sit at home (which, honestly, was my preference), I rattled up four more volunteers and we worked for about six hours in Fall River at a church that serves the homeless meals every Monday. Granted, I'm Jewish, but I really got into the Priest's talk before the guests came in, when he said that every person who came in was Christ in our eyes... kind of brought a new perspective to how most people view the homeless.

Also, it affected me a lot as I was homeless myself for a few months (well, couch-surfing between three friends' trailers) and it's taken me this long... damn near 18 years... to help out those who are now in the plight I used to be in. It takes a lot to walk in someone else's shoes, but sometimes I think it's harder to remember what it was like to wear shoes that you yourself have kicked away. I'll be going back there, I'm sure.

Oh, and on a brighter note, the former band geek and current computer geek in me loved this: