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How to CURE ACNE FRONTIER STYLE!

Instructions

An uncommon cold

 

Since this “cold” began however many weeks ago, I’ve become an expert of sorts on coughing, sneezing, and home remedies. Consider the mechanisms of coughing and sneezing. Both of these are involuntary although both can be somewhat controlled but never when needed. I have found the most inopportune time for a sneeze to be while navigating the curves of the narrow, two-lane ridge road while going 45-miles-per-hour with oncoming rush-hour traffic creeping over the center yellow line or while passing semi-trailers on the freeway while going 80-miles-per hour. It’s something about my eyes slamming shut for that brief second of blindness that I find unnerving beyond the inability to breathe comfortably through my nose. And then there is that moment that I realize that the tissue box is not on the seat beside me but in the floor.

 

Coughing is another interesting occurrence.  I am not a polite cougher. When my body goes into the spasm, it is loud – especially in church. Thank goodness for polite people who do not turn around and stare because I feel I have taken my place as one of the hounds of the Baskervilles. Generally, this URI (upper respiratory infection) has been more-or-less quiet during most days, but the vicious coughing has been most bothersome at night – while everyone else in the house sleeps.

 

For over three weeks I ignored the encouragement of others who suggested I make a trip to the doctor. Home remedies usually work if given enough time. My mother always said salt is a wonderful healer. By dissolving some in a cereal bowl of warm water and  inhaling deeply, it has the power to unblock all the sinus. If anyone tries this at home, be sure to have a tissue box handy. For a scratchy throat, try Junior Mints. The chocolate coating is pure comfort food, and the thick white sugary center soothes the throat. Also good is a hot mug of powered orange drink. It replenishes the body’s liquids and some brands even have vitamin C, but who cares about all that, it just feels good going down.

 

But finally this past week on a rainy Election Day I did give in and called my doctor. Unfortunately when I called for an appointment, his scheduler was away from her phone and didn’t call me back after I left a message. So, taking matters in my own hands, I decided to visit the physician assistant’s clinic. Interesting chap. He proceeded to tell me he had no idea what was causing my immediate symptom of a wicked sore throat and prescribed a concoction of Mylanta, Benedryl, and Lydacaine (I think, and I certainly don’t know how to spell it). Of course I had to find a pharmacist who could make up this witch’s brew. The idea was to gargle a teaspoon four times a day to deaden the pain. Oh, it deadened it all right – for about 30 minutes. Believe me, I prefer Junior Mints. I did manage to get the PA to also give me a prescription for a genuine antibiotic. I’ve got two more doses of that to take. Can’t say I’m cured, but I do feel better today than I did on Tuesday. Perhaps that’s because it’s not raining and I don’t have to go to work.

 

But I’ll take the respite. Why do we never hear of funding needed for researching cures for URIs? I think I’d be happy to contribute.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be instantly removed.

2.Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

For the past month, I’ve been plagued with heartburn from hell (have you noticed…ALL my afflictions are from ‘hell’?). The affliction has been as regular as the rising and setting of the sun…EVERY single day. It started out hitting me somewhere between 2-4pm each day, but during the last couple of weeks, it has been hitting me within hours after waking, and continuing throughout the day.

I’ve gone through a box of Zantac, even doubled up the dosages, I’ve gone through almost an entire bottle of Mylanta, I’ve snacked on Tums and Rolaids and am presently into my first week of a 14-day treatment of Prilosec – ALL to absolutely NO avail. NONE of this $50 worth of modern medicine’s miracles has done as much as even PHASE my pain, which, according to my research and symptoms, is acid reflux.

Then comes this grain of unfathomable wisdom from the great pixelpyro, which was substantially verified through my further Internet research. An apple. A plain, raw, ordinary, everyday APPLE. As usual, I’ve spent the entire day in varying degrees of pain from this glorious acidic digestive condition. I’ve come to be somewhat frightened by food in general, and believe me, when my pain begins to affect my appetite, it’s SERIOUS! Tonight, I followed my supper (consisting of a baked potato) with this humble fruit. Within 15 mins after polishing it off, my pain was almost completely and totally GONE. Just one small APPLE brings me the first real relief I’ve had in WEEKS, and over $50 worth of medical miracles has done absolutely NOTHING.

Go figure. So it’s true, an apple a day really DOES keep the doctor away…or at the very least, can save you a BUNDLE in medicine costs. Believe me, I’m going to be downing more than ONE apple a day for a while!

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