Christmas brought alot of new things this years. It was a first and very well could hold a last in some ways. My Grandfather has always been strong figure in my life. He was always there on Sunday morning to take me and my cousins to Mkie-D's. He was that big cuddly teady bear for me and my cousins to cudle, restle, and play on. This summer took away that man from me. It left a shell of who he was. The strokes took the one man in my life out of any that I wanted to be there for me to get married. I remember watching him and my grandmother tease and fight playfully only to end in kisses. I remember thinking if there was anything that I wanted from life I wanted to find the love that they had. I wanted a man like that beside me to ride out that storm. This Christmas was spent with family but it broke my heart. He wasnt telling her to sit down, to relax, to calm down that everything was perfect. He can't. He never said her name. That "shirley" laced with frustration and love at the same time that was such an ornament of our christmas dinners. It breaks my heart.
And I am mad. The fact that this could very well be the last for him, for us, for the family. They all should have been there damnit!!!! The whole Goddamn family should have pouring through those doors to be with them. Should have been there to help grandma to make this the best damn christmas that any of us had known. But everyone one was so caught up in their own vices, their own world, and their own exscuses that they left them alone. It killed her not to have her kids there, I could see it.
The only thing that makes any of this easier is to know that everyone was there right before. Sometimes I want to blame myself for the strokes because of all the hubbub in my graduation. Sometimes I wished I hadn't begged him to come to those extra programs, He even told us that he was not feeling well. On the same note I am glad that he got to see everyone who came. Im glad he got one last huge family gathering.
I miss him so much!!!!!
