Hold On @ MindSay

I saw some pictures online of a "friend" of mine and his girlfriend. I put friend in quotations because I don't think you can exactly call us friends because we hardly talk and never hang out and he can't stand my presence. However, I love him. It brings me almost to tears every time I see him and her together. Jealous? No doubt. I have never really been jealous for all that I can remember. Sure I probably was sometime, but it wasn't significant to my memory. It's unfamiliar and unnerving to me. I have been angry and sad, and sometimes at the same time, but envy is different. Of course I've wanted things before that I couldn't have, but I didn't love them for more than a year, used to be best friends with them and then see them taken by something that seems so alkwardly similiar to me it makes me wonder why he can hate me so much and adore her just the same. Every time I think I'm over it, there are new pictures or he calls randomly, or I'm reminded of him. My current best friend is friends with him, so I guess it's kind of hard not to be.

So I wrote a short story about it. It wasn't really a decision, I just did it mostly without thinking. I put it away in a safe spot not to be found, so I could look at and edit it later. I was looking for it last night and it took me awhile but I finally found it. I decided not to look at it yet, though. Last night I wasn't thinking about how much I loved him, not that I had enough sleep to properly think, but just as well. And now, I just don't understand why I can't get over him.

He's not nice, he says he can't stand to hang out with me at all because I annoy him-yet he claims not to know what it is about me that annoys him.He's cancelled our plans we had a week in advance, right at the moment. He just said " I can't stand you". And then he'll log off msn. Just like that.

However, we did have some good times, when we were close friends. The story will explain more of this. I'm not going to put it up yet, because it isnt edited- it might be awhile, just to say. But I will put it up here when it's done, or as good as it's going to get, I suppose. sometimes I feel like burning everything that I wrote about him and that he gave me, etc. But I don't. I just can't let go. It's probably normal, as a lot of people would most likely say, but that doesn't make it any more comforting.

Wish I was,
Too dead to cry.
My self-affliction fades.
Stones to throw,
At my creator,
Masochists,
To which I cater.

You don't need to bother,
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

Wish I was,
Too dead to care,
If indeed I cared at all.
Never had a voice to protest,
So you fed me,
Shit to digest.
I wish I had a reason,
My flaws are open season.
For this I gave up trying,
One good turn deserves my dying.

You don't need to bother,
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

Wish I'd died,
Instead of lived.
A zombie hides my face.
Shell forgotten with its memories;
Diaries left,
With cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother,
I don't need to be.
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

You don't need to bother,
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
Once I hold on,
I'll never live down my deceit...

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, keep your hand on that plow, hold on.
Well, I never been to heaven
But I've been told streets up there
Are lined with gold
Keep your hand on that plow, hold on...

In some ways it is hard to imagine it to be so, but it happens to be. What is it that has me so much in a state of awe - the jaw-dropping sort?

Well, I honestly feel good about the direction my life is heading. I know that more than likely you will be saying unto me, "But Mr. Saul or Mr. Crust whomever you happen to be at the moment, you usually write of gloom and despair and agony on me. How can this be? What has changed your whole dire outlook on the world?"

And I shall reply unto thee and thine, ya know what? I ain't honestly gots me a clue, but nonetheless it is so and so it shall be though it does seem a bit weird...

And with that duly noted in the paragraph that appears above, I would just like to say that this is Blog entry 201. Two-hundred on the nose was rather appropriate for I am the Cap'n of the Loyal Order of .-PiRaTeSMiLieS and so I shall remain for all eternity for I be not a slimy sea slug, I be not a land-lubber, I be a pirate, bay-bee....

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word...

There's another world inside of me that you may never see. There  are secrets in this life That I can't hide. Somewhere in this darkness theres a light that I can't find, maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind....maybe I just blind...

 

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And love me when I'm gone

Everything I am and everything you need

Also been the one you wanted me to be

I'll never let you down even if I could

I'll give up everything if only for your good

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm Scared

You won't always be there

So love me when I'm gone......Love me when I'm gone...

 

With your education x-ray you will see under my skin. I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends. Now roamin' through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone, Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone...

 

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm Wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And Love me when I'm gone

Everything I am and Everything you need

Also been the one you wanted me to be

I'll never let you down even if I could

I'd give up everything if only for your good

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm Scared

You won't always be there

So love me when I'm gone.........................................................Love me when I'm gone

 

....maybe I'm just blind....

 

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And Love me when I'm gone

Eerything I am and everything you need

Also been the one you wanted me to be

I'll never let you down even if I could

I'd give up everything if only for your good

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

You won't always be there

So love me when I'm gone....love me when I'm gone

whoa-oh-oh-oh...love me when I'm gone...when I'm gone... when I'm gone.....when I'm gone......................

<sup>This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to know more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to know more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on</sup>

you keep your distance i can't deny you i've got the feeling
can't satisfy you i've got your picture on the wall i got the picture,
long gone you keep your wishes i'll keep my feelings there goes
another one that kept me breathing i'm waiting for you
i know your leaving i still adore you you never need me hold on,
i found another way to let you go away hold on,
you found another way to bleed my soul away the things you told me
to hear you speak i'm burning slowly i'm growing weak you
bring me closer to yesterday yesterday's a million miles away
why can't you hear me? why can't i sleep
and i don't understand what keeps me breathing
i'm waiting for you i know your leaving
i'll still adore you you'll never need me hold on,
i found another way to let you go away?
hold on, you found another way to bleed my soul?
away