What comes to mind when you hear the words "Sceinic country, Mountains, Snow, religious persicution, zeolot, vast open spaces?" Well if your anser was Anna nichole smith you get half credit.. but the answer i was looking for was UTAH. Yes that little almost square on the map most of us assumed was a hellmouth used only for the devouring of hopeless mortal souls! well that may be true but hey it aint all bad. I'm ranting on this subject today because thats where I just moved to... Yes I'm now considered MIA from the real world as I am bing held captive dep behind the zion curitin using my wit and foraging skills to survive. Most of the natural danger comes from the local wild life. They have this strange animal called the Utahis Driverous and boy let me tel you, its fast, its relentless, its inconsiderate and above all else its DUMB! (narator switches over to bad australian accent) This blimey creature can grow anywhere from 10-15 ft long and has been known toreach speeds of 120 miles per-hour. CRIKEY! now thats speed. Its favorite way to take down prey is to just ram it with its emourmas girth and inconsiderate missuse of blinkers. But what I find to be a fascinating mystery about this creature is that when it does seem to ram its prey, it doesn't stay around and eat. Instead it drives away even faster afraid of the alpha male or Pigicus Oinkicous to come displaying its impressive lights which it has turned from the nomal colors to flahing red and blue ones. Once this bad boy comes around trust me, you want to be as fasr away as possible.
One of the other creatures in this wildlife presurve, or indstial wasteland you decide, is Mormanus Pioutes. This creature isn't really a danger and is realativly safe to hunt. The non-locals prefer to saute their meat with things like " Understanding, Open mindedness, compassion, other religious books, teriaky" but personally i find the taste to be a bit bland for my liking. Now what people have a tendency to hate most about these pesky creatures is the fact that their breeding is out of controll. They're everywhere round these parts and let me tell you, one of these little dandys is easy to tazer/harpoon then skinn and drag back to your cave but 100,000? Thats a bitch! CRIKEY! They swarm up on ya and they can tell if your one of them or not by these strange code words they use like "are you LDS? Are you a member of THE church? What ward are you in? WHere did you spend your mission? Have you sacrificed your soul to he who is know as I am?" ANd if you answer wrong then your in for it pal! Tankfully me and bessy here (my faithfull harpoon gun) have been able to take down enough of them in the local area to stop them from encroching on the area I have CLEARLY marked as my teritory with vast amounts of my own urin ( i know its a bit barbarick but i had to find somthing these "people" could understnad). But onw I think I must venture out and find a haven of refuge in this untamed place of finatical whoreship that will pay the bills and put that new hare trigger on old bessy so till next time reader HAPPY HUNTING (end of cheesy australian accent).
Well i hope you have all enjoyed this bit on utah and yea i mean every single bit of it! Well ttfn and thanks for all the fish!
