hope.

 

one of my favorite words of all time.

one of my strongest allies.

sometimes, my only.

hope. plan and simple.

 

i doubted, and i sunk into my self-pity

like a lush with a fresh bottle of 20 year

old scotch: comfort. but these feelings

persisted, and the questions mutliplied.

and sometimes it would eat me up inside,

sometimes it would kill me to think about

it.

 

but as it is with God, it's not always a slap

in the face or a lightning bolt. it was just

a conversation about nothing. but it turned

into something. the final nod i needed to

get on with things.

 

i'm definitely so much different than i was

at the start of last year. to phrase a very

sad person, "i'm stronger than yesterday."

 

 

this year will be good, emotionally. but as

for other things... only One knows. i do

know that it will be different. very different...

he keeps popping up. when i least expect it.

the hurt went away with the guilt and shame

and bad feelings and anger and all that good

stuff that happens. but the last week... my,

my, my...

 

i remember old jonas brother's songs and i

smile. and then i look at him and i want to

punch him in the nose and cry and scream.

feelings which were never as strong as they

are now, but only when i see him.

 

i want to scream in his face and have him

see those tears he never saw, tell him about

how he not only hurt me but countless other

people, friends, around him and me. i want

to show him what he did, how he changed

things. and i want to tell him how things

could have been so different if he'd only

said just a few words.

 

and even as i type this, i realize how i finally

got over it. too much drama and unrequited

hopes. of which i like neither. perhaps this

is the final passage way for me to go through

so i can finally let go, finally let my heart finish

healing. finally let this sadness and anger go.

 

hmm... rainy days do this to me.

First Date:

Genio and I picked out wedding date.

October 24, 2009.

Sounds amazing, eh?
The hall, church, singer and organ player are all booked!

Second Date:

It's been a little over 4 years now since we've talked.
I've missed you every minute of it.

So My grandfather died last week.

I still don't know if the grief has really hit me, because the first couple of days after, I was really depressed, but its like, I can feel that there's more to come. I think it probably won't hit home until my father gets back, and we have the funeral. I feel a deep pain, but its like I still don't know what really happened, especially since it was so sudden. Idk, it just seems so.... surreal, I guess.

French is going fantatsically.

I love my boyfriend. Seriously. I think I do actually know what those first three words mean now.
They make me think of all the things that make me feel warm inside. When I look at him, its like... everything just fades away.

And then he's the only thing or being thats left. And you know what? Its always kind of been like that. I'm only just coming to that realization. Kind of makes me think I had to go through other people in order to have that revelation. It's amazing to think one person has the ability to make me feel all these things. And I would not change one thing about him.

And my ergatta sucked because I was sick for three days before hand. Oh well. I made lightweight by like... 16.5 pounds though. Go me?

The guy doing weigh-ins asked if I was weighing in for coxswain or lightweight though... It was kind of funny.

My latest essay went awesomely. I got an 80% on my last physics test. I think I pretty much owned on my Calculus test. Things seem to definitely be looking up.

MIss R~