Help Me @ MindSay 
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Mold has always gotten me and I'd actually started to do better with it, taking a homeopathic tincture and Claritin only when I really needed it. Turns out my allergy was affecting my sleep as well so occasionally a half a Benadryl would do me right.
Well, the party is over. They say in Austin your allergies/sinuses get worse every year and this is the year for me. Good God, something has wrapped itself around my brain and sinuses and is making me miserable! Ragweed has come in and I guess this now affects me. I've had to take Claritin every single day but it's doing almost nothing. The only thing it's helped is that if I don't take it my tummy gets upset (probably from all the post-nasal drip) but otherwise, not helping the whole front part of my head. [Forgot to add: the doc's office gave me some nasal spray samples and not a bit of help that I can tell.] Have started taking a piece of Benadryl at night which helps me sleep but as soon as I stand up in the morning I feel the weight of congestion descend. Funny how you can be so snotty and yet so dried out in your eyes and inside your nose from all the drugs. Ugh!! A couple of people I know are taking Zyrtec and like it but I hear it makes some people drowsy so I might experiment with it this weekend. I might also do the "I'm not cooking meth in my kitchen" dance with the pharmacist and see if I can score some pseudoephedrine, if there's any to be had.
Somebody help me! *Achoo!* (Yep, it was a WET one!!)
...
None of it happened today. All because I refused to take out my piercings, my step dad made a big deal about it and started yelling at me. I didn't even yell back, I just wanted to go but he kept complaining and started to yell. So I just say, "I'll get mom to take me." He gets fucking pissed, and so I just walk to my room and he chases me down the hall way and tells me how stupid and what a piece of shit I am.
"You can ask your mom to take you but I won't give her the fucking insurance card."
He acts like nothing hurt my self esteem, or that taking my drivers test was something I really wanted to do. I was so anxious and excited to get it.
So he leaves me alone for a while, and mom comes home. It saved me a bit because she doesn't usually get home until four and my test was supposed to be at two thirty... I hurt real bad. No one would really understand how much I wanted to get my test done. I was pretty much drenched in my own tears and everything at this point, I wanted to cut myself because I hate crying so much and I was sobbing. I felt like a fucking baby.. I wanted to do more than just cut myself, I wanted to tear my skin off and just make the crying stop. I only have a scratch because my mom walked in and she was saying somethings I don't even remember.. but I had a utility knife in my hand and she took it from me and then my step dad walks back in my room to yell at me some more. My mom showed him the utility knife and he freaks out even more on me, he throws the knife at me and it breaks all over my new wood floor... Then he throws a pair of scissors at me that I had on my bureau...
"Go ahead kill yourself right in front of me, I don't fucking care! I'd rather go to jail than see your fucking ugly face! I don't care if you stab yourself in the stomach or slit your throat go ahead do it, fucking kill yourself you fucking idiot! You're nothing but a piece of shit, YOU ARE FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD!!"
He says it to me...I remember it exactly like that. My mom did nothing. She just kept bothering me for my mobile and wanting to talk to me. There's nothing to talk about, she couldn't even do anything for me since the day I was born. She even admits it. I just stayed sitting against my door crying some more, crying from two in the afternoon until now, I'm still a little teary eyed and tired as fuck.. I just left my room because everyone is asleep. No one can tell me what to do or judge me at this time of night.
I just want to leave, I just wish I had more of a choice of where to go. I don't want to live with my real dad because he lives in Boston and I'd just feel even more empty and alone. Living with someone--practically a stranger that hasn't ever wanted to support me growing up... Leaving Pennsylvania would kind of be tough too.. all of my friends. I wouldn't even know how or even if I could say goodbye if I moved to Boston. But I'd consider it just to get out of this place. I'm too old to stand for verbal and physical abuse anymore, I've lived with it for too long. That's why I'm probably so fucked up in the head.
I'm fucked up because you made me this way. You're way of "teaching me what's right" is the worst method ever. I can teach myself what's right because society creates it's own morals and ethics.
My piercings aren't out to offend anyone. I did them for my own reason, for my own self confidence.
Maybe things will sink in
"Do not live as I have done,"
Said the old man to his son.
"The joys I've found are but a few
So hear these words I give to you.
Do not follow in my wake -
Enjoy your life for heaven's sake.
My goal in life, there is but one
To get some rest when I'm done.
When the sun has set upon your day,
Kneel thee down and start to pray
That you'll take a different road
And your burden's a lighter load
And do not toil from dusk 'til dawn
And live your life as someone's pawn
And all the money you shall make
The government will gladly take."
Vote now, vote often!!!
Thank you all so very much...
All poetics aside, I'm glad VDay is over - see memories from last year (not linking because I'm lazy, not because I don't know how).
So He wants to know what I'm thinking and why and it all comes as such a shock - like I'd be more comfortable if he didn't care or didn't want to know because dammit I really figured he liked the stoic cold version of Me he's had.... I don't know what to do with this information.. Does he really want to know that in my heart of hearts I'd love to actually marry him (shhhh) but I can't say that because he has to ask and I don't want to influence the polling but he won't ask because I've already said I never would again....
And when I think he doesn't care, he does - and that makes it worse, like I'd rather he actually didn't so I could stay mad in my little picked on world... the minute he shows he cares it is on me to speak my mind and share my problems and if I don't then...
Oh god how fucking neurotic can someone be, even worse - neurotic over someone caring... It is just that I am not used to this, didn't expect it, still comes as a surprise... and that he thinks I am fascinating probably scares me more than entrances me because my God, what is going to happen when he sees beneath the surface how horribly boring I actually am, the depths of my stupidity... some illusion makes him think I am clever and I am not all that clever at all just lucky and I fear more him finding out after I have settled into believing what he believes than anything and...
Yes, neurotic... Really, insecure... there is nothing more terrifying in the world than people who believe I am something I am not.. Mostly because I fear that they will blame me when they find out I am not so much as they thought, like I led them on or something....
Would anyone with any sense, worth or intelligence have been living in their mothers garage for three years at my age?? I think not... Among other things....
End rant.... senseless rant... I dont' know what to do... Between telling him he should run far away or telling him he should marry my crazy ass... Which I can't do for various reasons....
I wish you and you and you all well... this rant has been sponsored by late night and rum and stress and so many things I can never write about online but it is what it is and there it is... For those who care and anyone else who is bored and just wanders through...
I really hate VDay..... the PTSD flashback horrrors, the having to answer everyone all day "Having a Happy Valentines Day" crap.... and if I answer honestly, it is me being a scrooge... ack ack ack
Good night....
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