Heavens @ MindSay

A sad day. Maybe Mother Earth has a changing mood. Crying in the morning, the shining with light by afternoon before she closes her eyes on the world. The skies are grey now. I wonder if She feels grey? Not sure.

I wish the heavens above were an instrument that I could play. I'd make music that would echo through the land of spirits, piercing the hearts of the living with my Hymn. Maybe if I had wings I could fly to the skies above, sit in my palace of clouds and play my music for the world. Maybe when I cried my tears would drip upon the world like Her's do. Maybe. Maybe I'll just feel grey inside too. But then again, I already do.

I'm always wishing for things, hoping and dreaming, and wishing. Always wishing. Maybe if the world was a mirror I'd be able to see inside myself, see the color of my heart and my soul, figure that riddle out. But I'm not sure I'd like to know. What if it's too dark that I can't even see what's within the depths of my heart? Or maybe I'm just colorless, no pigment in any part of my spirit. I can't say before. She asked if I was in love with her.

I didn't know if I could answer.

I'm hurting inside again. I don't want to ruin things with my friend. My special and only friend. But I wish I could tell her the truth, and the feelings and thoughts behind it. I'm so weak. And today she was waiting with me in the cold for my bus to come. She spends time with me when no one else can, when no one else will. I feel miserable and sick inside. I don't want to admit my feelings to her or even myself. I want things to be filled with color and life. I want her to be happy, I want to help her be happy. Take away all her pain so that she's free from all the shadows of the world. I wanted to tell her that this morning. I failed miserably. I told her when I got home what I actually wanted to say. That I wanted to be her angel, that I wanted to protect her from any pain she has or will have. Heal that pain and make it go away. But I'm too weak. I don't have wings. I'm just a silly boy. I wish I had wings to protect her with, to take her with me to my palace in the clouds where only dreams can shape reality. I wish I could soar away. In the back of my mind I wish she'd ask me to take her there.

But that palace isn't really in the clouds. I don't know where it is. I can't say for sure, I don't know if I've ever been there. I probably have. By myself, alone in a cold stone castle sitting atop the feathery white clouds. The stones are cold, the windows are broken. The entire wrecked palace is empty and broken inside. Maybe that palace is my mind. Or my heart. Or my soul. I don't really know. Maybe I belong there. Maybe some day I'll go there, fix it up and make it beautiful, use my life to pain color into the stone. Make the palace breathe with life, blowing kisses into the sky. Maybe some day I will. Maybe some day I'll paint that castle alone. Always alone.

She asked me if I was in love with her. My heart turned to thunder in my chest, hammering away within my being, threatening to puncture my soul. It wanted to escape. What can I say? What can I do? I feel so very alone, so cold inside. Like it's winter within my heart. Thunder and lightning, followed by the steady pour of snow flakes over my bones. Chilling me inside. I don't want to be alone, I wish I could scream to the heavens and beg them to take the feeling away from me. That I could be normal without it. But maybe I'm just normal with it. Maybe I want to be abnormal, different? Yeah, different. Right now I feel selfish. As well as cold. I'm so very afraid of answering that question truthfully, explaining how more than anything I'd wish to take all the pain from her and throw it to the wind, let her be free. Even take it in myself so she wouldn't have to deal with those things, as I've been saying. But how I wish. I wish for things I shouldn't, I wish for things I can't admit to myself for fear of getting hurt, for fear of hurting her. She said the closest thing to describe me was an "angel". I don't feel very heavenly. If I was an angel, I feel like my wings have been torn and cut off. I feel like I've had my heart stabbed again and again with the dagger of fear and pain. Maybe if I still had wings I could leap and not worry about falling, endlessly falling. I could glide to safety, with her safely in my arms. Shielded by my wings.

I can't admit those things. I can't admit them to myself. I'm so afraid. So very afraid. But I'm still a silly boy. With silly problems and silly thoughts. I'm flawed. God, I'm flawed. I can't explain how I feel. There's no words in this language to allow me that freedom. I feel so incredibly alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to ask her to take that loneliness away. If I was an angel I could heal hearts and mend souls. I could make people feel wonderful and fill them with life. Maybe I can do that. Maybe I haven't yet. Maybe I just can't heal myself. I gotta heal, gotta heal, gotta heal. But I can't. I'm stuck with broken wings. I can't fly away from problems or anything else. I can't protect the ones, the one I care about. There isn't anything else in my thoughts. Just more thoughts stemming from that one subject. I really feel alone. I can't admit these things to myself. I'm so afraid. I'm so weak.

I wish the heavens had a control panel. A little computer just for me to play with. Maybe then I could adjust the settings and make things look beautiful. Make the sun warm our hearts and clear away the darkness shrouding our minds. I don't have access to that panel, though. I lost the password. The back of my mind whispers to me, I can barely hear it speaking to me through my own barrage of thoughts. I won't admit things if she'll only be hurt by them. I won't confess to myself my feelings if she'll only be hurt by them. I want to take her hurt away, not bring her more. Why am I so flawed? I want to dream, imagine and fantasize, then I wouldn't have to wake up and face things. I'd turn the light switch off, and things would go dim. I'd feel safe in the warm air, with someone in my arms. I'd feel safe in the warm air, with being in someone's arms. I can't admit these things. I can't. I'm so very scared.

My mind plagues me to the point of blood being used as tears. They're a crimson river that seep from my dark orbs, my broken eyes. Maybe if I wasn't so flawed things would always turn out right. Maybe if my wings weren't broken they'd be able to fly my away. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being rejected. So very afraid. Afraid that the words "care too much" will echo through my mind after being said. It'll be too much for me, I'll fade away, blink out of existance, I can't stand that, but the Goddess wants me to. She wants to hold me close again, I've been getting too far away from her. I want to rebel, I want to shove that Goddess away and scream at her to leave me alone. To reside in the safety of my friend. My only and special friend.

But I told her.

I didn't go on about my answer. I just said that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. Wasn't in love with her. Is my brain malfunctioning? Am I breaking apart into tiny pieces that flee from me because I'm so imperfect? Because I'm so flawed? I feel like a rag doll no one wants to play with. I can only dream of the other boys that are after her, a trail of drool following their foot steps behind her, that would only jump at the right instant, flood the conversation with lies confessing love with their heart and soul. Lying that plagues the air like a mist of pain. I can only imagine everyone who would jump at the chance to, to spread their lies and just end up hurting her. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could stop them all, stop them from hurting her. But I'd just end up hurting her. I'm so scared. I want to be honest, admit my feelings that swirl within my mind, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I leap, broken wings and all that there's a slight chance that she might catch me. I don't want to cause her pains of a relationship with what she's already gone through. But if only I could tell her how I feel, open the doors to my mind, anything, something, somehow, I don't know. I'll have to sit on the sidelines and be alone. Watch and be alone. Be alone while being alone. I feel like crying whenever I think of reality.

I can't worry her like that. I can't hurt her like that with my own selfish thoughts that I can't even admit to myself. I can't do that to my friend. My only and special friend.

It'll be night time. And it'll be so cold out again. I'll watch the stars from my vantage point, even though it was cloudy last night, but the moon was pretty. Pretty? Yeah, pretty. Then I'll go back inside and lay on my bed, curled up and hurting from coldness that isn't from the weather that surrounds me. I want to make my Goddess go away, I really want to, but I'm afraid. Maybe just for the briefest moment I could take the place of that boy. I could be normal like everyone else, I could go see her whenever I'd want since I'd be 16 and have my license already. I could make plans with her and go see her and be with her all the time. But that kid doesn't do that. I wish I could show her how much I care. In the back of my mind I'd walk home with her every day and not have to worry about shivering while waiting for my stupid bus to show up. I wish I could do that, be with her as much as I can, talk with her as much as I can. Learn to somehow better get out my feelings to her. My friend. My only and special friend. But then I remember I'm me. I'm a silly boy all alone in the big house in the woods. Cut off from everyone, from everything. I wouldn't be able to see her all the time like everyone else would. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could learn to drive just so I could go see her.

Stop it.

I cracked open the door to my mind and already things are spilling out, I can't think. I can't dream. I can't feel anything. Nothing at all. But I'm lying, I feel alone, and so very cold. Stop it. Stop that river of my mind, put something in the flow to stop it. I can't admit these things. I'm too scared, too afraid.

I'm so weak.