Heartbroken @ MindSay

i have a suitor. he said, he really loved me. but then i rejected him.. because i know i am just his rebound.. then after a week, the guy that is very stick to one.. after i rejected him soon became a playboy.. for me.. what i am feeling, it is my fault.. because if i have'nt reject him he would have end that way.. the reason why i rejected him is because he just broke up with his girlfriend and he is my bestfriend and he is being loved by my very bestfriend since the first year.. :(

I met someone wonderful. Someone that was just.. perfect for me. They were exactly what i wanted in a mate--- The EXACT thing!

What do i do? I fall in love with them!

Next, what happens? Well fuck he has a GF. Its all good, she never comes up, and his sweet sweet words caress my heart.

Then one day she comes up. And talks to me. And she talks about. How she loves him, how they're engaged, blah blah blah.

and i feel betrayed by those sweet words of caring, because how could he say to me that his day just got better, when he has a woman to already say that to!

And i feel betrayed by my own heart for i feel now, like i'll never, ever EVER be allowed one ounce of happiness.

Im so tired of existing.

Dutifully taking pills to make myself better, only to wake up more often wishing i could be dead.

After much thought, I decided to try to see albert after he was done with class. Cyn has class at 11:00am, or at least I thought she did, (I think it might actually just be a Monday/Wednesday class, or she might have just ditched to try to keep me away from albert), so I figured I’d have at least 45minutes to an hour to talk to him. My excuse was going to be that I thought I had to table for psychology club because its in the same building, even tho I was like 99% sure that we weren’t. (I’d say 100% sure, but I think that I convinced myself to have some doubt, too) as soon as I sat down outside the building, tho, I saw cyn going into it. I know that this means she probably saw me walking up the hill. She went inside n then came back out. I have no idea wtf she told him, n I even wondered if maybe she’d kept him from going to class just incase I showed up. I sat there n did homework for a while, n then at about 10:30am I saw her again. I knew she was out there waiting. Did she have cops with her? Was she alone? I had no fucking idea. I called Anna and thank god she answered. I talked to her for a bit, filled her in on some of the shit that had happened the night before, and then I told her what was currently going on. She gave me some advice, and as I talked to her I started wondering if I should just go over there n talk to cyn myself. I didn’t know what I’d say, but I asked anna what she thought and she agreed. I got off the phone w/ her n went to talk to cyn.

The first thing I was just, “I want to talk to you,” and I told her that I’m really sick of this shit and it needs to stop. She told me she was, too, and she told me that albert had been doing a lot of the same thing to her that she was doing to me- telling her one thing and doing another, or just plain lying to her about the things I’ve been saying or doing in relation to this whole situation. She also told me that she was sorry for calling me that night because really she’d been angry at albert n she felt that she’d been taking her anger at him out on me. I talked to her for a little bit and told her that I’d thought a long time about whether or not I should have showed up, and ultimately I decided that I did because there was just some shit that I needed to know. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to talk to just her, and when albert walked over to us he seemed very slow and cautious about it.

The three of us all talked for the next hour n a half right there, which sucked because it was a highly public place and I hate having those kinds of conversations in public, but luckily I was able to hold myself together enough not to cry. I asked albert why he didn’t tell me cyn had told him she wasn’t going to leave him, and he said he was still afraid. I asked him how he could betray me after all the talking we’ve done about how I feel like I’m in high school again, how I feel like I’ve had my rights taken away, and I even managed to say the words to both of them, “I’ve been mentally and emotionally raped.” It took me a lot to say that, especially cuz I never wanted cyn to know that that had happened to me literally in the first place, but she learned it because of the account she made to read my blog behind my back. I told them both about how this sort of reminded me of some of the shit that happened with my ex. For example, when I started telling ppl about the shit he did to me, (and that’s all I said), no one believed me. And now, with this shit going on with the two of them, again, no one believes me. I feel like it’s the same fucking shit all over again. I even told them both about how my ex used to 1) coerce me into moaning on the phone with him so we could have phone sex, which I was never really into, and how he’d then 2) put me on speaker so his cousin could hear me too and they’d both get off on it. I told albert that yes, I know that u letting cyn hear me talk to u on speaker phone is not the same thing, but it makes me wonder what you’re capable of. I know that may sound like a logical leap to some of you, but as I explained to them, that’s just how PTSD works. My brain has hard-wired all of these defense mechanisms into it because of the shit ppl have done to me. I sit here and tell myself that thinking that about him doesn’t make sense, but in the back of my head it makes perfect sense. I’d even told albert, a long time ago, that even the littlest lies can fuck with me because I wonder, if you can’t be honest about something little and insignificant, how can u be honest about something that actually matters?

Ultimately, cyn asked me if I wanted to try to do counseling w/ the three of them and I said yes, that I’d be willing to give that a shot at this point. They had to go because cyn needed to get ready for work and she sure as shit wasn’t going to leave me alone with albert, but she said that if she could get us an appointment she’d call me. I told albert that I still wanted to see him on Tuesday, but I didn’t know about Thursday, and he asked cyn if that would piss her off. She said that it would if he just kept doing this same shit of lying to both of us to put the two of us against each other, and she said that because she needed to fix things with albert, she wasn’t sure that communication between me and albert should continue because it might make fixing things between them more difficult. I was like, “yeah, but me n albert need to fix things between me n him, too.” The two of them are seeing a counselor together on Wednesday, so I asked if it would be better to see him on Thursday after that and she agreed. I told albert that if he didn’t want me in his life anymore all he needed to do was tell me. Honestly, the reason why its that much harder to let go is because he keeps saying that he still wants me as a friend. I told them several times how i just keep running over everything in my head over and over, especially the connection me and albert had when we'd make love or do anything else. there's a necklace that he used to wear all the time and originally he let me borrow it over winter break because he was worried about me when i had to go back to santa clara, but when we broke up we decided i could keep it and he would keep the "stop global warming bracelette" that i got during WPA last year. I held it and said, "when you gave me this you gave me a piece of you. what happened to that? how can you forget that so fast?" he said he didn't forget and i looked him in the eyes and said, “prove it.” Before they left, he hugged both me and cyn and told us he was sorry, and then he told me again right before they left that he was sorry and I did the same thing- looked him in the eyes and said, “prove it.” I kinda wished he’d hugged me again, but I tried to tell myself to be strong. It felt so good to hold him again for that moment that I had before, but I knew I couldn’t let myself feel that again.

I tried to call Anna back and I left her a message, and then I started walking to the anatomy lab to prosect some more. (oh yeah, I ‘m doing that this semester, did I mention that?) almost as soon as I got done leaving her a message I started having doubts.

1) 1) Why should I see a counselor with them if its not to have a romantic relationship again? One of the things that I’d mentioned with them was that one of the reasons I don’t want to see a counselor is cuz I’m kind of like, “why bother?” sure, it will fix my shit, but it won’t fix any of my shit with them and it won’t fix any of the lies that they’ve been telling their friends to turn them against me. Anna agreed with this, and I’m still thinking about this.

<! 2)  After a few more hours of thinking, I came to the realization that cyn might not even call. All that shit about how sorry she is could very well have been her just talking out of her ass and even when I was hugging albert that last time, I considered the idea that I really can’t trust him to meet me on Thursday. I feel like an idiot for even considering doing so. I can’t trust either of them. I mean shit, its Monday and I still haven’t heard from cyn about anything.

     I spent a lot of the rest of the day talking to anna, and that night I pretty much just played the sims all night long and did a little drinking. Not enough to get drunk, but I had a little buzz that was pretty consistently coming and going throughout the night. I was just too depressed to do much else.