shame on you.
shame on you for telling me you loved me,
so many times - when obviously, you never really meant it.
shame on you for calling me all of those nights, just to tell me
how much you missed me - when obviously, you never really missed me.
shame on you for leading me on, and making me think that i
was something special to you - when obviously, i never meant a thing to you.
shame on you for telling me you loved me and that you
wanted to talk to me, only moments before you became one, with another.
but, most of all;
shame on me for believing you.
shame on me for thinking that i loved you back.
shame on me for believing that you would never abandon me.
shame on me for being vulnerable.
shame on me for breaking down these walls; that i have been
hiding behind for too long, now. just so you could enter my heart;
take pieces of it, and eventually break them.
you know; you are the only boy that i've ever let myself love, and
now that you've hurt me, i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to love,
trust or forgive, as i should.
you've hurt me.
and the strange thing is,
i can't understand why.
how could you do this to me?
after all i've been through lately.
don't pretend you don't know, either.
because you know damn well.
i hope that you when you think of me,
you regret ever losing me.
i don't believe in second chances.
not this time.
i had originally posted this somewhere else... i had to get it off my chest some where, and i didnt want it to ruin me and Lara being friends... cuase i truely did like the woman... a whole lot... but i'm supposed to be having a nice life now... i guess that means that she doesnt want to talk to me anymore...
originally i was laughing at the irony... i predicted this shit would happen... then i was mad that i actually allowed this to happen to myself... then i was sad that dreams dont always come true... then i could give a shit less, and cleaned my house... listened to music loud enough to drown out all thoughts of her... and now here i am posting this...
well, to say the least, i was love struck at the beginning of this year, by a very interesting woman that lives all the way across the country from me... she appeared to be everything i've ever dreamed of... she spend all her time talking with me, gaming with me, mailing me letters and tokens of her love, all of which made me very happy! i suppose i could say that i was easily taken by all her flattering actions to me... the things we talked about were so amazing... she opened up to me, and me to her... i felt such a deep connection to this woman, despite our mileage from each other... i've never had a problem with long distance relationships, especially with someone that truly makes me feel loved and special... and she did that for me... for a while...
this woman is quite similar to me... she liked a lot of the same things i did, and believed many of the same ideas i had... we never ran out of conversation... she is 31 years old... that didnt bother me either... i didnt mind the age difference, and i didnt feel like less of a man talking to her...she lives with her daughter... this also didnt bother me, because there was nothing i could do to change the past... i didnt mind the idea of her having children that werent mine, i would've loved them just the same, because i loved her... she was everything i dreamed of, and i also seen her in my dreams, many times... there was so many different and strange feelings about, that made it all just seem so right... perhaps i was just dreaming...
then the problems arose... first off, she lives with her "bf" but she always talked like he was just there, and stayed with him because she was hurting for money, and wanted Athena (her daughter) to have a stable home to live... fair enough... this guy treated her and her daughter like shit... from what she says, he would make her do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry and various other housekeeping chores... all the while, the only thing he would do is sit in his room with the door closed, smoking weed, and playing video games all day when he wasnt working... he was also physically and emotionally abusive to her, calling her fat, ugly, pushing her into walls, yelling at her, intimidating her, so forth and so on... this all made me feel for her more, and want to liberate her from his tyranny... at times he would just hover over her while she at the computer talking or playing with me, so she said that we were to stay with "safe subjects" until he went back in his room... a few times he did catch her calling me "love" and also read some of the cute comments that i left for her... he was definitely a thorn in my side, because i really dont want to have to hide my affection for her because some asshole guy is trying to dictate her life...
i got past his presence because of all the ways she showed me that she loved me... writing me letters, sneaking out to call me, staying up late just to talk to me after he had gone to sleep, baking me cookies, and all the little charms she sent me as messages of "believe" and not to worry... it really made me feel like she did love me, and wanted to be with me... all of this went well until the end of February...
at that time, i was used to hearing from her everyday, looking forward to talking with her, shooting zombies, and just enjoying the sound of her voice... but, all of the sudden she just disappeared... i heard nothing from her for 4 days or so, and then all i got was a message saying she had been busy spring cleaning, hanging out with her daughter, and generally taking a break from the computer... fair enough for me, i can understand she has a life too, and it shouldnt revolve around me, but at the same time, if she really cared for me, dont you think it would've been appropriate to call me, or even a short messages as to why she was going to be MIA? at this point our conversation time jumped from all day talking, to barely anything, and it stayed that way... at first i was a little upset, and couldnt help but to blame myself... because the Saturday before she went MIA i had made a fool of myself by drinking too much, and mixing it with GABA... but she assured me that had nothing to do with it, and that she still liked me... my heart ached from missing her and worrying, so i used her little gifts to assure me that everything was going to be alright... but nothing changed, i heard only enough from her to stay infatuated with her...
we had been sharing letters and other goodies by mail for sometime now... it was also about the time she stopped talking to me as much that one of my letters with a lot of goodies was delivered to her... i had simply asked her to take a picture of her self with one of my goodies on her tongue with a sort of sexy look as compensation for the price i paid to get those for her... but she didnt do it... jokingly, i guess, she said "oh well, i guess you'll just have to send me some more..." when this realization hit me, that she couldnt oblige my simple request, and also the fact that she didnt use them the way she said she as going to, it made me really think just how much she really did "love" me... our conversation first started with talk of these goodies, along with the zombie killing, but i told her not to assume that those were what my life revolved around, that i was more than that... so i let things unfold, and she sure enough didnt ask me for them, so i didnt feel like she wanted anything from me but my love... when i had collected enough for her, i mailed them as a surprise hoping it would make her happy... i'm sure it did, because recently all i hear from her is a quick "hello" some complaining about her bf, and a lot of emphasis on "when are you mailing more?"
humpf, i dont mind sharing at all, as long as i feel loved and thats not the only thing she wants from me... but now it really feels like that is what she wanted from me the whole time, and was only stringing me along to get those from me... i even got a call from her, first time in weeks, and all she really wanted to know was if i had sent her "letters" to her yet... haha, i love how she changed up the wording, tho it was very obvious she wanted the other stuff because she had been mentioning that the few times we talked... so i did send her "letters" and even wrote a special one with lots of sarcasm saying "here is your letters my love! sorry there are no goodies here that you've been looking forward to... i just wanted to send you all these letters of my love, because thats really what you wanted... right? Good! i'm glad we love each other so much that the only thing we want from each other is love and attention..."
i really cant believe that she still expects me to send her gifts when i'm no longer satisfied in our relationship... thats just unheard of! all i really wanted from her was love and attention, and i no longer get those... she might've lead me on this long, but she let her game down and i caught on to her little scheme... i am no fool... perhaps i am a hopeless romantic, but i'm not stupid and blind... she'll realize what she missed out on the next time her bf smacks her around, throws her out, and calls her all sorts of degrading names, IF he even did that to start with... i'm tired of being played... i'm just glad i caught on soon enough before i wasted anymore feelings and money on her...
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