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Heartbreak @ MindSay


The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 2.
I stopped writing last night around four am, and when I left off, I had just seen Jordan, the ex fiance after many, many years... I felt like it was a good omen, to leave the job and life I had tried hard to build with her and see her the day of walking away from that.

The weekend after leaving L-3 at the start of August in 2013, my friends invited me to go camping with them, Chris and Abby and their son, along with Chris' parents, in Oregon. I say great, I'm up for that, when do we leave? They said five minutes, they were already pulling off the exit to pick me up haha.. It felt good to go on a long road trip, even if camping was just a few days, it was worth it to get away for a minute. Upon my return, I immediately got a tattoo apprenticeship with Immortal Ink of Ogden. Life seemed pretty good, and I was really feeling like I was going somewhere with my art, something I never imagined possible. I made a lot of new friends withing the shop, Sean and Barrett, and outside of the shop, Shae, Derek, Beth, and countless other people.

At some point during this, end of August start of September, I decided to do two things; I downloaded MeetMe and Snapchat onto my phone.. I randomly added a name I seen on MeetMe onto my Snapchat and on September 16, I got a snap from someone I didn't know, it was a video of two girls singing and dancing around like crazy people. Over the course of my apprenticeship, I snap random drawings and happenings going on in the shop, and that's how Savanah and I got to know each other.. just random snaps from then on until one day she got the courage to come to the shop.

October 9th, Savanah sends me a snap of her in this really spectacular vintage inspired dress, black and white with polka dots, and a big black bow on the front, and I decide then that I really want to see her, I want to see her in her dress and get to know more about her. After a few hours of cohering, I convince her to come to the shop, once she gets there, we hangout in the shop, just talk shop and get a feel for things, and she's great. As the shop gets ready to close up, I ask if she'd like to go get a coffee or something with me since it's still a little cold out, mainly just trying to bide my time so I can be around her more.. We go up the road to a place I frequent when I'm in Ogden, Grounds for Coffee, but the funny thing is, we never get out of the car, we just sit in her car for like two or three hours talking, just talking and talking, getting to know each other. It's around this point she admits that she drove around the block three times before she had enough courage to park and call me, letting me know she was there. Savanah is 19, brunette with a beautiful voice and terrific smile, brown eyes you just can't help but stare into. Later on in our time of knowing each other, I admit that right then and there in her car, I wanted to kiss her, and maybe I should have.. She's impulsive, shy, reckless, full of good intentions and just never can make up her mind about what she wants. Things continue to progress with Savanah through October into November, as life continues at the Shop.

November, Barrett has a friend named Layna and she is in a bind, she needs somewhere to live, and it just so happens I have a house I can rent if I want to, my grandparent's old house. I tell her about it and we make plans to move in and split the rent, it is then I sign myself away to lose many important things.. Long story short, Layna convinces me to pawn my motorcycle so we can cover rent, because she is unable to find work, and she has spent the money I gave her for groceries on who knows what, because we don't have food either.. None the less, I try to keep things friendly between us, and then she borrows my laptop without asking, and then leaves in December with it, her stuff and all the money I'd lent her. I lose my motorcycle, I lose countless pictures I had stored on that laptop, irreplaceable pictures and memories and ultimately, I lose my house.. It's around this time, the start of December, Savanah is staying at my house rather consistently for about two weeks, and I'm loving ever minute of it. She offers to give me the money I would need to keep the house, but I decline, it's not her burden.. I end up saying something stupid out of stress and she ends up pretty mad at me for a few days, just before Christmas.. I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm losing my grip but with the last of my money and courage, I ask Savanah to let me drop off a Christmas present to her. She agrees, and although still very mad and says she isn't going to hug me, she says she just can't stay mad once she sees me, gives me a hug and kiss, and things are a little better, she has forgiven me, and though I'm still losing my house and I'd lost countless other things, I feel alright.

Ultimately I lose the house and the items I specified above. Chris and Abby open their home to me and I move in with them in West Jordan, over an hour away from everyone and everything I know so naturally I have to stop going to the tattoo shop. I am without a car, in a place I only know them, in the middle of nowhere. It's hard but Savanah and I still talk and still maintain closeness, Layna is still ignoring my calls and texts, I'm still hoping to somehow get the laptop back. Chris, Abby and their son end up visiting Abby's parents in the midwest, so they leave me the 22nd of December and return about seven days later. During this time, I am utterly alone and incredibly depressed, and I'm running out of food since the closest stores are a ten mile walk away in the middle of winter, I refuse to eat food that isn't mine, that I didn't personally buy. My spirits are very low at this point, if not for Annamaria, I probably would have walked into a snow storm to die.

New Year's for 2013/14 wasn't a particularly good start to the year, I celebrate with Chris and Abby by going to a bar, Bout Time, then Iggy's for some food, followed by seeing Anchorman 2. We return to the house around 11:30pm and they promptly go to bed, leaving me to sit in my basement room alone..  A few days after New Year's, Savanah tells me she wants to pursue a different person for something more serious and says we should stop talking. During this point, I look back at my New Year's Resolution list and decide it would be best to go to the gym, and after borrowing my dad's racing bike for Triathlons, I bike ten miles to and 10 miles from the gym majority of the week for the coming months, and get in pretty good shape.

February 2014, around the start of the month, Savanah apolgizes and says she understands how it feels to try so hard to just be turned away and asks if we can date again, still continuing this situation so much like a relationship but not. I say we can and I end up getting a job interview up north in Ogden and Savanah let's me stay at her place for the weekend. During this time, I end up picking up an old 1983 Datsun 280zx and fall in love with it, feels good to be back on track to life again, though in all honesty, the car is a huge piece of crap, but I love it all the same. Savanah and I end up spending the morning of Valentine's Day together, and something happens, I still don't understand to this day, but she ends up crying and asking me to leave. I head back to West Jordan and later see that some guy named Logan cheered her up and brought her pizza and they watched movies. This guy will continue to just piss me off, though that is what life is, a constant tug of war with outside competition. During this time a friend from L-3 contacts me and asks if I'd like to move up north into a house he's renting for a really great price, I mull it over and weigh  my options for a few weeks. After getting back to West Jordan, Chris tells me that he and Abby are getting a divorce, something I never conceived happening. For many nights in February, Chris and I stay up late talking and drinking and going for walks to the gas station, it still is hard for me to comprehend for some reason, they were such a great team, a great couple, but they feel they are best friends but can't be together anymore, after seven or so years. Towards the end of March, on the 22nd, I move out of their house and into Dustin's house in Clearfield, where I currently reside. It's during this time I begin to make plans to get back into the tattoo shop.

On March 23rd, I go out with Dustin and Danny, one of our old friends from L-3, to a bar called Brewskie's. After a night of several drinks, we decide food is in order. I suggest a Denny's, rather close, just up the road, but Dustin doesn't know the way and would rather not have to quickly turn in any direction because any attention after last call is bad attention. He suggests somewhere closer to the house, somewhere in Layton, so we say Ihop, since I like Ihop more than Denny's. It's funny, if it were any other night, we would have gone into Ihop, but because of this night, it happened to be closed due to an issue with the grill, so we had to begrudgingly go to Denny's on the east side of the off ramp. It is here I meet someone new, our waitress, whom we have a fun time giving and taking jabs from in fun conversation. At one point she almost spills coffee on my phone and it is then I decide I'm going to get her number. I tell them this and they don't believe I'll pull it off, but a few minutes later the two of us go outside for her smoke break to talk. Her name is Chelsea, she's originally from Virginia and moved here after visiting her mom and realizing she likes the schools more out here. She's a 21 year old Bio-Engineering student, brunette with just ghostly blue eyes and a cute smile, which she later admits she wiggles her nose when she smiles if she's really happy but trying to hide it. Numbers are exchanged and we end up talking the next day, and even go out on a date. She is full of life and interesting to talk to, closer to my age than many of the girls I'd been dating lately, so it feels different, conversation has substance to it and I'm loving every minute of it. Being with her makes me forget all about that situation with Savanah, that back and forth push and pull of her.

As March closes out, we end up really getting to know each other and make communication absolutely key, we are open about how we feel, what we mean and what is going on in our respective lives. I tell her that I'm not dating exclusively, I'm also seeing Savanah, and that I have problems with Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia. The crazy thing, she accepts it, just right off the bat, which honestly I'm surprised of because within the first week of being together, I lose my shit lol.. I end up having too much to drink, we played beer pong and towards the end of that night, I let her know I was starting to lose my grip and feeling like I'm just a waste of space and she did the most amazing thing, she grabbed my hand looked me in the eye and said, Hey, you're ok, I'm here, I want you here with me. I calmed down after that and we finished off the night just hanging out with her friends before getting food. I do something foolish, like running out of her car while we're in line at McDonald's, and pee on a dumpster, which prompts her to laugh and say she loves me, which if I were sober I would have caught as a term of affection, not declaration of feelings.. but since I'm quite inebriated, I tell her I love her too, very much and I'm happy being with her, she just smiles and wiggles her nose. When we get to my house, she explains that she didn't meant it in that way and it's here I finally lose it and can't recover, I get to the point of crying, grabbing my sides and closing off to everything and grinding my teeth.. but again, she's there for me and helps me unwind. For majority of two weeks, she comes over after work and sleeps in bed with me, then we hangout during the day, go out with her friends at night, it's a pretty great place to be in life. March closes on a changed view on what I want in life.

April has been one hell of a month, and I think it deserves it's own post, so I'll stop here and come back after I shower and gather my thoughts.

Later days,


When Your Heart Breaks

When Your Heart Breaks


When your heart breaks,

It’s like screaming noiselessly,

Like a deafening silence

Choking all the sounds,

Turning all colors into black,

Darkening the world.

When your heart breaks,

It’s like you are too numb from cold,

Like you don’t feel a thing –

No happiness,

No anger,

No hate,

But pure unfeeling feeling

That no word can aptly describe,

Like finding nothing and everything at the same time.

When your heart breaks,

Your whole world collapses,

Your mind stops,

You become nobody,

You exist a senseless existence,

You live a worthless life,

You are nothing.

When your heart breaks,

Time is a ruthless foe slowly ticking,

Life is a cruel cycle beating you down,

Love is a heartless bitch laughing at your misery.

Until one day, you’d pick up the pieces,

Trying to fix each part,

Heal each wound,

Patch up, mend, glue, paste –

Complete the puzzle,

Unravel the enigma.

One day, you’d have your heart fixed,

Not perfectly healed,

But functioning nonetheless.





While I Can ...
2nd year = very high stress/maintenance.  My 8 kids carry across FIVE different grade levels (we skip 4th grade, but then make up for it by being Kindergarten through 5th), and some of them need a lot more attention than me and oh yeah, my untrained staff, can always handle.

Just sat in a meeting with the guidance counselor and got the sad news that one of my tougher cookies, D(M) will be hospitalized as soon as a spot in the program opens up.  I still have a meeting tomorrow with all the team and his mom, but ... he just needs so much, and this wide, crazy, spread-thin program isn't going to help him.  I am going to miss him greatly, and now have to savor what could be my last few days with him.  In secret.  Because we both agreed I shouldn't tell my staff, because I want them to work with him like he was ours forever.  And also because he doesn't yet know he's being re-admitted, and the less people that know, the less likely he'll find out in a wrong way.

I figured it was okay to type here, though.

Loving again after you lose love

If you've ever lost the love of someone you thought you'd be with forever, you know what it means to feel as if you will die of a broken heart.  How do we ever survive losing someone we believe is our soulmate and the one we are meant to spend our lives with?


This article about love, loving, and surviving when love is gone, may be helpful if you are dealing with the pain of the loss of a deep love relationship



Here are some updates before I relinquish the computer to my father for the eve:


- the Cubbies just walked home CARLOS DELGADO, bottom of the 9th, tied 4/4, bases loaded.  They really are heartbreakers, aren't they?  Also, my Yanks need to turn it around a-sap.


- I just took on a job for Memorial Day weekend working overnight to stay with this girl Carly who had been one of my CITs last summer.  Except, she wasn't really one of my CITs truly because of all her limitations.  She's 15, non-verbal, and she has severe mental retardation with some autistic tendencies.  I'm really excited her mother called me with the opportunity, because she knows me so she'd feel more comfortable while her parents were in New York.  I'm also hella nervous.


- Erica's graduation from college is thisweekend and ohhhhman we might be going.


- I just went outside and Jackson (my orange cat) was studying the grass very closely, so I picked him up and just as I suspected, a mouse popped out.  So I dragged Jack in for a while to give the mouse an escape period, but I just let him back out, so I'm just praying the mouse got away (even though, I'm not sure if Jackson actually KILLS or just babysits the victims of our other cat, Shadow). 


- My legs hurt.


- I need some book recommendations.  Hit me back.


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Re: - Brava!


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