Heartbreak @ MindSay

"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

                                                                            -Noah Calhoun from “The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks

I have always had this out-of-this-world fascination of Noah Calhoun, God knows how much I prayed so hard that someday “my Noah” would finally come.  Well I guess we all go through that phase when we were too young to believe that these fantasies were real haha… Then, it just simply slips your mind, you start to realize that “Noah Calhouns” are in the endangered specie list (I think I even made a bet that they were in the EXTINCT LIST with my friend! Well, what can I say, I’m a pessimist hehe)  And then I met someone (when I least expect it)… and though I’ve had relationships before, they  were never this strong and intense...

They say love is a risk only brave people take… It was only with this person that I was able to muster enough courage to really fall in love in the truest sense of the word without holding back.  It also got me thinking “He might be my Noah”; my “out-of-this-world dream might not be that out-of-this-world after all I say… and everything went on so beautifully… of course, you  were in love! You see butterflies; you float in cloud nine… the whole nine yards… You gave everything and you’re  willing to give even more but all of a sudden things are not what they used to… it was as if the floor crashed and now you’re in a dark abyss and everything felt so cold and lonely.   

Heartbreak is a nasty thing. It can break your confidence, make you feel miserable and shatter your spirits.  When you are hurting, it’s not hard to point finger at people, to play the blame game.   When people are hurt, they tend to get into fighting stance – it’s a defense mechanism I think.  Because anger is a lot easier to handle than despair, we pick up fights and pretend that you’re strong but deep within you’re scared as hell.  I guess it’s because when you’re mad, you know how to deal with it,  it’s a different thing when we talk about fear. Most people don’t know how to face it.  You will show any emotion but not hurt, but when you can’t take it anymore you break out… and that’s when your friends will tell you not to shed a tear because he’s not worth it…

Well is he? My friend told me not to sweat it because it’s not worth it, but let me say this… It’s all worth it.  How can I say that it’s not worth it when whenever I look back in time I see more good times than bad.  Our relationship was never perfect, there were bumps here and there but I can say that it’s a blissful one, at least on my part it was.  I have no qualms whatsoever about how I feel, I mean how can I say that he’s not worth it when it’s the most gentle soul we’re talking about.  If you would only know him (and I’m glad I did!) you would learn that there’s more to this person than that.  He exudes confidence in a way that doesn’t seem arrogant.  What drew me to him is his modesty, he may seem shy but when you get to know him you would learn that he’s cool, and you can tell by the way he talks that there’s more to his head than air.  He’s really different from some guys I know who are so full of themselves.  He’s very thoughtful and caring, I saw how loving he is to his family and he has a soft spot for kids (I really enjoy watching him play with his nieces & nephews).   he’s cute when he tries to be funny and sometimes annoying when he’s forcing a laugh when I give a ridiculously corny joke hehe.  He has his own way of showing he cares.  He has different smiles, the cocky smile (haha feeling gwapo, which is kind of cute); the mischievous smile (and when you ask him what is he smiling at, he’ll just keep on grinning until the both of you are laughing); what I like most is his trademark smile that is only his (every time he does that I can almost hear Kris Lawrence sing in the background “When I see You smile”) haha!  One friend once called me a restless spirit and I believe he has a point, i'm the most unpredictable person there is (maybe I’m bipolar hehe) I get excited easily, I also get worried easily and I'm often anxious in just about anything.  But he has a way of making me calm, he somehow know the right words to say in every situation, and with his boyish look I just can’t stay mad at him for a long time.  No, I don’t believe that it’s not worth it.  It’s well worth it because he’s worth every smile and tear. It’s just sad that sometimes things don’t turn out the way you want it.

But how can someone say that he has loved in vain?

Or how can you tell if it was real love?

When you have loved someone with everything that’s in you and yet your relationship was cut short or is ended for some reason, is it a reasonable basis to be able to say that you have loved in vain?  Will you still consider it real love?

In a nutshell, I think the only ones who can tell if love was indeed in vain or if it is real or not is the person himself.  In my case, well at least on my part I would like to believe that all of it is real.  Regardless of the fact that it’s over or not it doesn’t really matter.  I guess the reason why I can freely talk about it is because I’m almost (if not already) over that phase when you’re in denial and still hurting.   Of course I cried hard and prayed hard and done everything but as I may have already mentioned it is a phase, I don’t think God wants me to sulk and suffer my entire life.  He loves me too much to make me suffer, He would only let me feel pain if it is for my own good.  Yeah I crashed and burn, but I learned and I hope I come out of it a stronger and better person that way the love I felt will not be in vain.  Let me borrow a few words from Joshua Harris’ “I was over-whelmed by the thought that the God of the universe was willing to be involved in the details of my life-that He'd be willing to reach down and shut a door that He didn't want me to walk through.” Perhaps He doesn’t want me to walk through it yet because it’s not the right time or may be he wants me to go through another door.  I can only trust God’s love and keep believing that He’ll give me only the best.  What I am trying to say is, it’s ok to love and get hurt (although getting hurt can be a terrible experience) because only in loving someone as much will you experience life to its fullness.  A lot of people are wandering around and are going in circles searching for something and somehow there’s something missing, that’s because only by loving another (it can be God, family, or anyone) with all your heart and soul gives meaning to your life.  So if you ask me, is it worth it?  YES! No doubt about it.  Let me end this with an excerpt from Kahlil Gilbran’s “The Prophet” I never figured it out until I experienced it myself…

“But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor… into the season less world where you should laugh but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears…”

I dated this guy for 3 months....  he had told me that he had cheated once and he was stupid for it and all that blah blah blah... i stayed with him because i was in love with him.... well he dumped me and then told me that he cheated on me again....  and it was with this girl that was supposedly my friend.....  and the horrible thing is if he were to come back and say hey i made another mistake take me back i would pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and hand them back to him and say just be with me again....  thats how stupid i am but i cant help it.... what i need to know is what would you do? have u ever been in this situation?