Heartbreak @ MindSay

2nd year = very high stress/maintenance.  My 8 kids carry across FIVE different grade levels (we skip 4th grade, but then make up for it by being Kindergarten through 5th), and some of them need a lot more attention than me and oh yeah, my untrained staff, can always handle.

Just sat in a meeting with the guidance counselor and got the sad news that one of my tougher cookies, D(M) will be hospitalized as soon as a spot in the program opens up.  I still have a meeting tomorrow with all the team and his mom, but ... he just needs so much, and this wide, crazy, spread-thin program isn't going to help him.  I am going to miss him greatly, and now have to savor what could be my last few days with him.  In secret.  Because we both agreed I shouldn't tell my staff, because I want them to work with him like he was ours forever.  And also because he doesn't yet know he's being re-admitted, and the less people that know, the less likely he'll find out in a wrong way.

I figured it was okay to type here, though.

fml

aj just told me he "wants me back" for want of a better phrase

im not entirely sure how i feel about that...

let me start from the beginning

 

sunday

hadnt heard from aj pretty much all day. im about to start getting ready for bed so i decide to call him while i do that. he doesnt pick up. strange. oh well, i get snuggled up in my covers and call beccabooskii for our nightly phone call. we get to talking about how i feel as if i might be falling in love with aj and how im on edge everytime he "disappears" on me [like when hes drawing someone or not by his phone or something] and it drives me crazy because hes all i ever thought about and i cared so much about him that if anything were to happen to him it would hurt me deeply. i just wanted to be there for him. to be his. you know how it goes. anyway, we both decided that it shouldnt be becca that i should be saying all that too but rather aj. so i called him again.

he picks up. i tell him and he COMPLETELY misunderstands me. like in every possible way shape or form. i told him that i loved him and all i wanted was one simple reassurance that he loved me too then we could walk off into the sunset together and he thought i was somehow questioning his love for me, or insinuating that he was just a kid who didnt know how he felt or what he wanted from life. he got really upset and got off the phone. i kept on coercing him into calling me until he did so. then i explained to him that id never experienced such unconditional love before and i was just SCARED [yes i admitted to being AFRAID] that he was just going to wake up one day and change his mind. then id be crushed. he told me:

"well i think i just did"

and hung up

 

when i tell you i have never cried so much in my life i mean it.

the whole night

i just sat on the couch in my living room staring at the phone thinking that he was somehow just going to realize what i had been trying to tell him and call me to straighten things out

didnt happen

next thing i know its 2 in the afternoon

 

no sleep

 

 

 

monday

monday i spent pretty much begging aj not to just let things go over such a misunderstanding. he rejected me and told me maybe we could hold off until he moved to orlando for college

next year

devastated

thats what i was

 

didnt think it was possible to cry anymore

it happened anyway

 

 

 

tuesday

i kept telling myself over and over again that he didnt love me

regardless if it was the truth or not

i felt such overwhelming guilt that i hadnt treasured every time he told me he loved me. every time i joked when he was trying to be serious. it was killing me.

by telling myself he didnt care i hoped to desensitize myself and make myself get over him

 

it didnt work

 

i even went as far as to try to reach out to my mum. i told her "mum my heart... its breaking" she told me "dont even try to talk to me about that. whatever it was it wasnt love. its not possible. you know that i hate that you think youre gay."

 

no more tears that night

it stung my eyes way too much and i kept losing my contacts

 

 

 

wednesday

see blog #1

 

thursday

he tells me he wants me back

just when i was starting to heal [not really]

what the hell am i supposed to say

OFCOURSE i still love him

im even still IN love with him, but im scared. what are things going to be like now? if i decide to try and forget the past couple of days and be his again will things be the same? strained? will i still be able to kiss him? or let him hold me? and whats going to happen after the summer is over and we both go to school

 

its love but... but is it worth it?

What is Heartbreak?

 

Apparently heartbreak can have different types of form or description. For example, some may experience the pain of a break up when you yourself was not ready for it yet. It might be that you lost a friend or family member that you care about. Or it might be because you love someone who doesnt feel the same way.

They all maybe different causes but the feeling of loss is the same.

 

I sadly had to expericene "the one you love but doesnt feel the same" heartbreak. You see i fell for a guy that i had just barely met, but if u would have seen how we were, you would have thought we were just friends that havent spoken to eachother in a long time. As our new friendship continued to grow and as we learned more about eachother i fell for him, something i didnt mean for it to happen but it did. And tonight I wish it never did happen.

He told me tonight that he had the best day ever. Why you ask? Cause he spend the day with a girl that broke his heart  not to long ago. He fell in love with her all over again and when i read his texts messages about it, i couldnt help to hope or dream that it was me, that he fell for.I never did or plan to tell him yet about how i feel cause as far as i know he doesnt feel the same.

 

I need to get out of town. I need to get out of this valley. I don't have anything here for me anymore. I have Rilee and I have the studio, and as much as I love those it's not enough to tie me down here. I need to get away. There's so much baggage here, so much pain. I need to flee all that.

I love Kathryn. I love her with a passion and a longing that...well it's not going anywhere. I would give anything to be with her and that's a problem. I think it's going to be easier if she's some mysterious girl from a mysterious past that I don't ever feel the need to talk about.

I move out to some place and tell almost nobody where it is. Least of all her. I attend a new ward in a building twenty minutes outside of nowhere and get a job. Get an apartment. Make my own way. After a while I even start dating. There's a really sweet redhead I met in Sunday School and I take her to dinner. She asks me where I'm from because I have a funny accent and I give her a very generic answer that doesn't so much as point to what state I'm from, or even country. She asks me why I left and I dodge that answer too. We rent a movie and watch it back at my apartment, with obnoxious roommates in and out of the kitchen the whole time. We don't know each other well, but she gets cold and snuggles up next to me, and that's okay. She notices a picture on the shelf of a gorgeous, young brunette and asks me who it is. I won't say. I take her home. She gives me all the indications that she wants me to kiss her even though this is our first time doing anything outside of church, but I won't. Because the truth is, there's only one girl whose lips I want to kiss, and right now she's a million miles away in someone else's arms, enjoying his warmth and smell. Right now I'm the last thing on her mind, because she has no idea where I am or if I'm ever coming home. I go back to my apartment, pull the picture off the shelf and fall asleep crying silently to myself.

If I'm here, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to beg her for every scrap of attention she gives me. I'm going to watch her relationships for any sign that they aren't working out, even though she's becoming much closer with other men than she cares to be with me. If I'm here, I'm going to be pining after her, even though I promised myself that I wouldn't take her back if she broke my heart again. The truth is that I would in a second, because I'd trade this heartache a thousand times for one more kiss. That kiss isn't waiting for me. That's why I need to run as far and as fast as I can.

I'm in no condition to serve the Lord. I'm a wreck. I wanted nothing more than to go on a mission since I was five years old but right now I'd give up that dream in a second to make her mine forever. I'd propose to her now if I thought she'd say yes. But I don't, and so I'm going to run. I don't know where and I don't know how but I'm not staying here. I'll join the army if I have to but I can't stay here and not have her. Maybe that will change after a few months. But I doubt it. Because no matter how over her I am, she's always going to be the one I never should have let get away. She's always going to be the one girl that was perfect and for some reason I blew it. I can't live with that. I love her too much, but it doesn't matter to her so I'm running. Don't ask me to give you a call when I get there; I won't. Don't ask for a mailing address and don't ask for a phone number. This life is coming down around me and there's nothing holding me down. So if I don't get around to saying it in person whenever the time comes: goodbye. I hope to see you again someday, but don't go holding your breath.

Dear ----,

I’m not sure I’m going to have the courage to press the ‘send’ button on this email, but here goes nothing.

First of all, it feels a little wrong saying what I am about to say over email. I wish I could say it in person. But it’s on my mind now, and I’m afraid if I wait to tell you all this face-to-face I never will. It’s a really scary thing, saying goodbye, and I’m really, really bad at it. If I were to attempt this conversation in person I know I wouldn’t get to say everything I want to say. I know I would probably just burst into tears and blurt out an awkward ‘see you later’ and run away. But I want to make sure I say everything I need to say. Because I’m also really bad at letting go. So I need to make sure I don’t have a reason not to. I know this is wrong, and I’m so, so sorry. But I just turn into a massive, unintelligible ball of emotions when I’m upset, and there are things I need you to know that I’m not sure I’d be able to tell you in the heat of the moment.

I like you ----. I like you a lot. In fact, I think you’re someone that if I let myself, I could really fall in love with.

But I always assumed we had this silent agreement not to do that, since we knew from the beginning I would be in New York for the summer and you would be studying abroad next semester. I knew from the start I didn’t want to end up trapped in a long distance relationship, and even though we never really talked about it, from the things we did talk about, I was pretty sure you were on the same page. I am the queen of failed relationships, and for once, it felt good to just let things be what they were, without the need for labels or verbal agreements of exclusivity. It was the first time I’ve really just enjoyed someone, and I was honestly very comfortable and happy with that.

But then, over spring break, I discovered I missed you much more than I expected too. And I knew from that first moment of realization that things were getting dangerous. Then in the last few weeks I’ve begun to feel it, that need for a recognition of something, though I told myself I didn’t really care what that something would be. I knew that my feelings for you were beginning to grow beyond what I had anticipated, and I began to doubt whether the silent mutual agreement I had assumed was in place was something I really wanted, or was something that was even in place at all. I began to wonder what you were doing with the time we spent apart, and what was happening when I didn’t hear from you. It wasn’t necessarily that I felt hurt or neglected, I just started really wanting to be a part of your life.

I was still feeling very torn about all of this when I brought it up with you last week. I was hoping you would tell me something that would make my mind up one way or the other. But you were very vague, and didn’t really tell me anything at all, and that scared me. It solidified the fear, and I believe I told you this that afternoon, that I liked you much more than you liked me. And well, I’ve been hurt so many times before. I just don’t want to be in that place again.

I thought now that I knew more or less how you felt I’d be able to take a step back, and return to how things used to be and just let myself enjoy things again. But the truth is that I can’t. I’ve been so terrified all this time that I’m going to wind up hurt, and here I am hurting anyways. Because it sucks to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, at least not in the same way.

I don’t know about you, but I felt that yesterday and this morning were kind of weird. I couldn’t decide as it was happening if the weirdness was on my part or yours, but I think that it was probably mine. I’m even more unsure than before when it comes to how much energy I should be putting into this, and all last night and this morning I was finding myself thinking twice about what I said to you or how I touched you. I wanted to wake you up this morning but I wasn’t sure how you’d react to me. I wanted to kiss you good morning but I wasn’t sure you would want to kiss me back. And then I knew I would have to write this letter when tonight, I really felt that I needed you, but I didn’t feel like I could tell you that. And that felt really crappy.

I can’t go on like this anymore. It’s driving me completely crazy. And as you’re reading this email, I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re thinking I am – crazy. That’s fine, I guess I am a little crazy. I really wish I could finally stop holding back and show you the complete me. But as things are… I just can’t.

So two last things:

First of all, thank you so much for these past few months. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. I’ve always felt like you were so easy to talk to. And I hope that we will still hang out as friends. I do value your friendship a lot, and I’ve really taken pleasure in all of our conversations. Thank you for the other things too. You have no idea what it has all meant to me.

And secondly, I know you are not crazy about electronic media, another reason why this letter feels so wrong, but I would really appreciate a response. By email, text, phone call, whatever. Even if it’s a ‘Got your email. Thanks.’ Like I said earlier I’m really bad at letting go. And even though I probably don’t deserve a response it would really help me to move forward knowing your thoughts on this situation, or at least that you read this email.

I hope you don’t completely hate me. I miss you already.

All my love,
Mariana