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Heartbreak @ MindSay


The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 2.
I stopped writing last night around four am, and when I left off, I had just seen Jordan, the ex fiance after many, many years... I felt like it was a good omen, to leave the job and life I had tried hard to build with her and see her the day of walking away from that.

The weekend after leaving L-3 at the start of August in 2013, my friends invited me to go camping with them, Chris and Abby and their son, along with Chris' parents, in Oregon. I say great, I'm up for that, when do we leave? They said five minutes, they were already pulling off the exit to pick me up haha.. It felt good to go on a long road trip, even if camping was just a few days, it was worth it to get away for a minute. Upon my return, I immediately got a tattoo apprenticeship with Immortal Ink of Ogden. Life seemed pretty good, and I was really feeling like I was going somewhere with my art, something I never imagined possible. I made a lot of new friends withing the shop, Sean and Barrett, and outside of the shop, Shae, Derek, Beth, and countless other people.

At some point during this, end of August start of September, I decided to do two things; I downloaded MeetMe and Snapchat onto my phone.. I randomly added a name I seen on MeetMe onto my Snapchat and on September 16, I got a snap from someone I didn't know, it was a video of two girls singing and dancing around like crazy people. Over the course of my apprenticeship, I snap random drawings and happenings going on in the shop, and that's how Savanah and I got to know each other.. just random snaps from then on until one day she got the courage to come to the shop.

October 9th, Savanah sends me a snap of her in this really spectacular vintage inspired dress, black and white with polka dots, and a big black bow on the front, and I decide then that I really want to see her, I want to see her in her dress and get to know more about her. After a few hours of cohering, I convince her to come to the shop, once she gets there, we hangout in the shop, just talk shop and get a feel for things, and she's great. As the shop gets ready to close up, I ask if she'd like to go get a coffee or something with me since it's still a little cold out, mainly just trying to bide my time so I can be around her more.. We go up the road to a place I frequent when I'm in Ogden, Grounds for Coffee, but the funny thing is, we never get out of the car, we just sit in her car for like two or three hours talking, just talking and talking, getting to know each other. It's around this point she admits that she drove around the block three times before she had enough courage to park and call me, letting me know she was there. Savanah is 19, brunette with a beautiful voice and terrific smile, brown eyes you just can't help but stare into. Later on in our time of knowing each other, I admit that right then and there in her car, I wanted to kiss her, and maybe I should have.. She's impulsive, shy, reckless, full of good intentions and just never can make up her mind about what she wants. Things continue to progress with Savanah through October into November, as life continues at the Shop.

November, Barrett has a friend named Layna and she is in a bind, she needs somewhere to live, and it just so happens I have a house I can rent if I want to, my grandparent's old house. I tell her about it and we make plans to move in and split the rent, it is then I sign myself away to lose many important things.. Long story short, Layna convinces me to pawn my motorcycle so we can cover rent, because she is unable to find work, and she has spent the money I gave her for groceries on who knows what, because we don't have food either.. None the less, I try to keep things friendly between us, and then she borrows my laptop without asking, and then leaves in December with it, her stuff and all the money I'd lent her. I lose my motorcycle, I lose countless pictures I had stored on that laptop, irreplaceable pictures and memories and ultimately, I lose my house.. It's around this time, the start of December, Savanah is staying at my house rather consistently for about two weeks, and I'm loving ever minute of it. She offers to give me the money I would need to keep the house, but I decline, it's not her burden.. I end up saying something stupid out of stress and she ends up pretty mad at me for a few days, just before Christmas.. I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm losing my grip but with the last of my money and courage, I ask Savanah to let me drop off a Christmas present to her. She agrees, and although still very mad and says she isn't going to hug me, she says she just can't stay mad once she sees me, gives me a hug and kiss, and things are a little better, she has forgiven me, and though I'm still losing my house and I'd lost countless other things, I feel alright.

Ultimately I lose the house and the items I specified above. Chris and Abby open their home to me and I move in with them in West Jordan, over an hour away from everyone and everything I know so naturally I have to stop going to the tattoo shop. I am without a car, in a place I only know them, in the middle of nowhere. It's hard but Savanah and I still talk and still maintain closeness, Layna is still ignoring my calls and texts, I'm still hoping to somehow get the laptop back. Chris, Abby and their son end up visiting Abby's parents in the midwest, so they leave me the 22nd of December and return about seven days later. During this time, I am utterly alone and incredibly depressed, and I'm running out of food since the closest stores are a ten mile walk away in the middle of winter, I refuse to eat food that isn't mine, that I didn't personally buy. My spirits are very low at this point, if not for Annamaria, I probably would have walked into a snow storm to die.

New Year's for 2013/14 wasn't a particularly good start to the year, I celebrate with Chris and Abby by going to a bar, Bout Time, then Iggy's for some food, followed by seeing Anchorman 2. We return to the house around 11:30pm and they promptly go to bed, leaving me to sit in my basement room alone..  A few days after New Year's, Savanah tells me she wants to pursue a different person for something more serious and says we should stop talking. During this point, I look back at my New Year's Resolution list and decide it would be best to go to the gym, and after borrowing my dad's racing bike for Triathlons, I bike ten miles to and 10 miles from the gym majority of the week for the coming months, and get in pretty good shape.

February 2014, around the start of the month, Savanah apolgizes and says she understands how it feels to try so hard to just be turned away and asks if we can date again, still continuing this situation so much like a relationship but not. I say we can and I end up getting a job interview up north in Ogden and Savanah let's me stay at her place for the weekend. During this time, I end up picking up an old 1983 Datsun 280zx and fall in love with it, feels good to be back on track to life again, though in all honesty, the car is a huge piece of crap, but I love it all the same. Savanah and I end up spending the morning of Valentine's Day together, and something happens, I still don't understand to this day, but she ends up crying and asking me to leave. I head back to West Jordan and later see that some guy named Logan cheered her up and brought her pizza and they watched movies. This guy will continue to just piss me off, though that is what life is, a constant tug of war with outside competition. During this time a friend from L-3 contacts me and asks if I'd like to move up north into a house he's renting for a really great price, I mull it over and weigh  my options for a few weeks. After getting back to West Jordan, Chris tells me that he and Abby are getting a divorce, something I never conceived happening. For many nights in February, Chris and I stay up late talking and drinking and going for walks to the gas station, it still is hard for me to comprehend for some reason, they were such a great team, a great couple, but they feel they are best friends but can't be together anymore, after seven or so years. Towards the end of March, on the 22nd, I move out of their house and into Dustin's house in Clearfield, where I currently reside. It's during this time I begin to make plans to get back into the tattoo shop.

On March 23rd, I go out with Dustin and Danny, one of our old friends from L-3, to a bar called Brewskie's. After a night of several drinks, we decide food is in order. I suggest a Denny's, rather close, just up the road, but Dustin doesn't know the way and would rather not have to quickly turn in any direction because any attention after last call is bad attention. He suggests somewhere closer to the house, somewhere in Layton, so we say Ihop, since I like Ihop more than Denny's. It's funny, if it were any other night, we would have gone into Ihop, but because of this night, it happened to be closed due to an issue with the grill, so we had to begrudgingly go to Denny's on the east side of the off ramp. It is here I meet someone new, our waitress, whom we have a fun time giving and taking jabs from in fun conversation. At one point she almost spills coffee on my phone and it is then I decide I'm going to get her number. I tell them this and they don't believe I'll pull it off, but a few minutes later the two of us go outside for her smoke break to talk. Her name is Chelsea, she's originally from Virginia and moved here after visiting her mom and realizing she likes the schools more out here. She's a 21 year old Bio-Engineering student, brunette with just ghostly blue eyes and a cute smile, which she later admits she wiggles her nose when she smiles if she's really happy but trying to hide it. Numbers are exchanged and we end up talking the next day, and even go out on a date. She is full of life and interesting to talk to, closer to my age than many of the girls I'd been dating lately, so it feels different, conversation has substance to it and I'm loving every minute of it. Being with her makes me forget all about that situation with Savanah, that back and forth push and pull of her.

As March closes out, we end up really getting to know each other and make communication absolutely key, we are open about how we feel, what we mean and what is going on in our respective lives. I tell her that I'm not dating exclusively, I'm also seeing Savanah, and that I have problems with Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia. The crazy thing, she accepts it, just right off the bat, which honestly I'm surprised of because within the first week of being together, I lose my shit lol.. I end up having too much to drink, we played beer pong and towards the end of that night, I let her know I was starting to lose my grip and feeling like I'm just a waste of space and she did the most amazing thing, she grabbed my hand looked me in the eye and said, Hey, you're ok, I'm here, I want you here with me. I calmed down after that and we finished off the night just hanging out with her friends before getting food. I do something foolish, like running out of her car while we're in line at McDonald's, and pee on a dumpster, which prompts her to laugh and say she loves me, which if I were sober I would have caught as a term of affection, not declaration of feelings.. but since I'm quite inebriated, I tell her I love her too, very much and I'm happy being with her, she just smiles and wiggles her nose. When we get to my house, she explains that she didn't meant it in that way and it's here I finally lose it and can't recover, I get to the point of crying, grabbing my sides and closing off to everything and grinding my teeth.. but again, she's there for me and helps me unwind. For majority of two weeks, she comes over after work and sleeps in bed with me, then we hangout during the day, go out with her friends at night, it's a pretty great place to be in life. March closes on a changed view on what I want in life.

April has been one hell of a month, and I think it deserves it's own post, so I'll stop here and come back after I shower and gather my thoughts.

Later days,


Heal My Broken Heart
Step To Heal - Heal My Broken Heart Download heal-a-broken-heart.pdf

Heal My Broken Heart

"You Can Take These 15-Specific Steps To Heal Your Broken Heart."

Watch the 7-minute video...

If you feel like life is caving in on you, you are not alone. I understand how you feel. My name is Amelie Chance. Two years after my divorce, I fell to the bathroom floor at work in a full out panic attack. The memory of my break up was still very fresh. I decided right then and there it had been long enough. I knew I had to search out the solution to healing a broken heart, because I didn't buy the old adage that "time heals all wounds." It certainly didn't for me. I decided it was time to climb back up from that bathroom floor and find the life that I knew still awaited me.

Here is the reality I discovered: No matter if you've broken up from a long marriage or lost your first love, no matter how impossible it may seem - you can heal. Whether you are 20 or 60, life can still go on and it can be not only meaningful, but also better and brighter than before. This does not happen because you ‘wait' for time to heal you, but rather because you've taken action to heal your broken heart.

When I hit rock bottom, I read every self-help book out there and even went through intensive psychotherapy. The only thing this accomplished was to identify what was wrong with me. It didn't help. Then I stumbled upon something that changed my life - Positive Psychology. No, not some mumbo-jumbo positive thinking or some new age fluff. Positive Psychology is a branch of traditional psychology that approaches issues from a different angle. Instead of studying what is wrong with you, Positive Psychology studies what is right with you. This science was the first thing that offered some relief to my heartache. So, I studied it, became a certified coach, and even earned a masters degree in Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. During my learning process, it became apparent to me that my life path - my purpose - is to help others through their own healing process.

My experience and studies resulted in an online program called Step to Heal. Step to Heal employs the Science of Positive Psychology, to move you past the pain of a broken heart. Step to Heal is far more than an ordinary book you flip through. Step to Heal is an online course taught by video, online exercises, and a workbook companion. Step to Heal is based in scientific research proven to increase well-being. Step to Heal provides day-by-day, step-by-step lessons to relieve the pain from your heartbreak. Step to Heal will guide you back to a place where you feel like yourself again. In simple terms, Step to Heal will help you feel better.

Read the most common questions about Step to Heal below:

What if I'm Still Deeply In Love With My Ex?

Losing a love is often like losing two people - your love and your best friend. When something newsworthy happens in your life, you may still instinctively think to call or email your ex to share the news. When you realize that you no longer have that privilege, the pain seeps in. The question then becomes - can or should you be friends with your ex after the break up? You can be friends with your ex; however, there are many caveats which I discuss in Step to Heal. Love and friendships don't disappear overnight, but there is a way to handle yourself with your ex to minimize your pain (and even their pain) after you break-up.

After spending thousands of hours working on scientifically tested heart healing methods, I have finally refined and compiled the most effective steps to create a comprehensive and definitive guide to heal the pain of your broken heart. These steps address questions like "When and how can I be friends with my ex after the break-up?"

Step to Heal takes a simple step after step, day after day method to provide you relief. What you have seen on the website is merely the tip of the iceberg. Step to Heal gets into the nitty gritty of what action to take when you can't stop thinking about your ex, when you are immersed in loneliness, and when you suffer from anxiety and panic, to name a few typical post break up episodes. Step to Heal discusses whether you could/should be friends with your ex, what to do if you still share a home or children, and how you can realistically start moving on.

You may have read other self-help books that made you feel better while you were reading them, only for the pain to resurface. Step to Heal is different because there is little theory and a lot of action. Remember, Step to Heal, is based on scientific research proven to improve your well-being.

What if We Still Work or Live Together? What if We Share Children?

You may still work together, share children together, or still even live together. These situations add obvious complications to a break-up, and they are addressed separately in Step to Heal. For the time being, you need to make one commitment to yourself: take care of your mental health. It is time to take some space for yourself mentally, even if it is not possible to do so physically. Yes, you may have to do deal with your ex physically, but you can resolve to start focusing inward and take care of your mental needs. We go in-depth on this subject in Step to Heal.

How do I get rid of Constant Negative Thoughts?

If you just say, "Stop" to your negative thoughts, it doesn't work, because that advice is missing a key ingredient. You need to assess what it is that you're thinking, what triggers the thought, and then apply two specific techniques that both involve writing to combat the thoughts. These writing techniques can be so effective that you are often able to eliminate the thoughts within a few days.

Another common question involves what you should do with empty weekends and during times you used to spend with your ex. You may have heard that you should consume yourself in other activities like hanging out with friends, going to dinner, catching a movie etc., but those things may be difficult unless you are able to stay engaged in the activity and keep your mind from wandering to thoughts of your break-up. In Step to Heal, we will go in-depth into techniques you can utilize to stay actively engaged.

I want to teach you how to use all of the techniques based in Positive Psychology that will heal your broken heart. It's time to take action.

You Can Fool Your Family and Friends, but You Can't Fool Yourself.

Mentally check off the things you've found yourself thinking lately:

"I have a knot in the pit of my stomach all day long - an actual physical pain."

"I either cannot eat at all or when I DO eat I eat everything I can to try to make me feel better."

"I know our relationship had problems, but I still have a feeling of overwhelming loss."
"I check my messages every 5 minutes - I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but I expect something."
"I keep trying to figure out when it really went wrong."
"The thought of dating again is absolutely inconceivable to me."
"I lie in bed thinking this was not suppose to be the way my life turned out."
"I lie in bed thinking I cannot believe this is happening to me at this stage and age in my life."

The Only Healing Advice like this Based on Science

After spending thousands of hours working on scientifically tested heart healing methods, I have refined and compiled the most effective steps to create a comprehensive and definitive guide to heal the pain of your broken heart: Step to Heal.You may read that you should consume yourself in other activities like hanging out with friends, going to dinner, catching a movie etc., but those things seem meaningless unless you know the trick to keep yourself engaged. I discuss all of the psychological techniques in Step to Heal.

Step to Heal is the only method that uses a Scientific Approach and takes a simple step-by-step, day-by-day method to provide you relief. Positive Psychology emerged from traditional psychology from the same psychologists that had been studying anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. In studying all of these negative emotions, they realized they were missing the other side of the coin. They asked a simple, but revolutionary question: instead of focusing on reducing negative emotions, what if we focus on increasing positive emotions. Instead of techniques to reduce anxiety, maybe we can cultivate techniques to increase joy, zest, gratitude, love, awe, and positive thought. Through these, we can accomplish our original goals of reducing negative feelings.

The only issue was that Positive Psychology wasn't geared for heartbreak. I decided that in order to make an effective program to help people with heartbreak using Positive Psychology, I would need to study it thoroughly. I have both studied and applied it for several years. I even have a certification as a life coach specializing in Positive Psychology and a masters degree in Positive Psychology. With my studies and personal experience I crafted techniques specifically oriented for those who have undergone divorce and break-ups. That's not all. I tested these techniques on thousands and fine-tuned them based on feedback. That is why Step to Heal is a unique program that helps heal broken hearts and improves all areas of life.

Emotions After Divorce By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Emotional Symptoms of Divorce During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they were unaware.

What? This was some of the self-help material that I had read. They are telling you that you're going to be depressed for months. Frankly, if someone tells you you are going to be depressed for six months, then you will be. You are not. I am telling you now that this path of sadness and grief is not a requirement. Do you need to face your emotions? Yes. Can you just leap over all the pain? No. But there is a better and faster way to heal.

Heal Your Heart...Science has Proven that You Can Increase Your Happiness Immediately

Step to Heal is based, in part, on my own personal experience. I've been through a divorce and a major break up and tried other ‘bubblegum' self-help techniques such as getting a makeover. I believe these light-hearted suggestions insult the gravity of the situation.

I am a Certified Coach of Positive Psychology. Many of the techniques used in Step to Heal are based in Positive Psychology- otherwise known as the Science of Happiness. The techniques are researched and proven to increase the overall well-being of one's life. In 2005, Time Magazine featured a cover story called The Science of Happiness showing how happiness can be practiced like a physical exercise.

You can actually get better at it and increase your natural set level of happiness. I infuse these techniques in my Step to Heal program!

It's OK to ask Why...

Most friends and family would tell you not to ask WHY this happened in your life and to just have faith it will get better. I couldn't disagree more. If you were married or lost your soulmate, understanding why the relationship didn't continue and why you are in the place you are at this stage in your life is OK. In fact, it's more than OK, it is vital to helping you stop the pain and fear of what lies ahead.This is something I have given a lot of thought and have put many research hours into determining.

How can it be a good thing that a love in our life is gone? How can it be OK that we are 20, 30, 40...insert your age...and this type of break up is happening in our lives? WHY this is happening is one of the aspects of Step to Heal that will move you through this pain. This sounds heavy, but it something that you would get to in any type of counseling or would just take a lot longer to address.

I am here to hold your hand and direct you through this heartbreak. You will feel better by having a step-by-step program to guide you through alleviating your pain. It is terrible when you feel overwhelmed by a break up, but even worse is wondering what to do with your time day after day. I'm telling you what to do now - get on the Step to Heal program. Use your time productively to heal

Every Failed Relationship Has Its Own Unique Storyline, But In The End, We All Hurt From Heartbreak

My research coupled with feedback from thousands of clients has made it evident that while each story is unique, there are also common hurdles in the road to recovery. These hurdles can be addressed and you can feel better. Right now is the most critical time of your life - the action you take right now can have the greatest impact on how fast and effectively you heal.

Heartbreak can hold you back by:

Affecting other areas of your life

Diminishing your self-confidence

Making you question your decisions

Step to Heal can help by:

Addressing urgent issues including:

Loneliness, Emptiness, Anxiety, Panic, Jealousy

Constant Negative Thoughts, Lack of Closure, Insomnia
Adding back into your life:
Hope, Fulfillment, Optimism, Gratitude, and even Excitement

Check out some recent feedback from Step to Heal clients:

"Thank you so very much!"

"Step to Heal has a step on anxiety that actually works. Not only has it helped with my anxiety, it has helped with the mental stress I feel when remembering the break up. I have had a tight knot in my chest as if 100s of pounds have been weighing on me and this is the first thing that's made a difference. Thank you so very much!"

Stephanie, Chicago

"Everything does happen for a reason."

"I am not someone that usually writes letters of thank you, but I feel compelled to write this one. I happened upon your site by chance when I was searching for an image of a broken heart. There is a mountain of info to help with healing and then I purchased Step to Heal and I was blown away. This has been the best healing advice I've found on the web or anywhere. I believe everything does happen for a reason and that is why I stumbled upon your site."

Jeremy, Rhode Island

Change your perspective

Activate techniques to overcome the pain when/if it resurfaces

Feel the support of community so they understand they are not alone

Get advice from a real person

I know it's hard, but it is absolutely possible to feel relief from this heartache.

It's Time to Take Action To Heal Your Broken Heart by Getting Step to Heal.

Overcome the most difficult hurdles of heartbreak: loneliness, emptiness, anger, hurt, betrayal, and jealousy.

Find the techniques to sleep again, to get the knot out of your stomach, and pain out of your chest.

Understand why this is happening to you at this stage in your life and be at peace with it. I know, it sounds impossible, but you will.
Get the answers to common questions - should we be friends? What if we share children? What if we work together? What if I can't stop thinking about him or her?
Figure out how to break an addiction to someone if you loved them or if you acknowledge the relationship wasn't good for you.
Find the path to enjoying other things in your life that you used to enjoy.
Understand the secrets to optimism while you face adversity
Feel Remarkably better.

Even If It is 2:00 In The Morning - Access Step to Heal Right Away: You Get INSTANT ACCESS to EVERYTHING below! This isn't a book you get in the mail - you get instant access to an Online Process & Downloadable Workbook Along with All the Bonuses Below.

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Workbook: Step to Heal 75-page Companion
Audio Bonus1: Fire
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Relieve Your Heartache Too - Listen To What are People Saying:

"It Saved Me More Than My Therapist..."

"After going through the program and reading everything, it saved me more than my own therapist. Thank you so much for putting this stuff out there,it has probably saved more people than you know."


"Helped Me Tremendously!"

"I really appreciate this! I've been having a really hard time getting over my 3 year relationship after my boyfriend cheated on me. Your program has helped me tremendously. Thanks again."


"This Email Can Be An Inspiration"

"I hope this email can be an inspiration to the ones who will read it. I am so happy that I found your program - it has truly helped me. I am on my way to healing and your lessons have given me a way to think in a different way. Your site is different, its honest and I am glad I took the leap of faith to join Step to Heal."


"Feel A Lot Better."

"After my break up, I sat in my bed all day, every day. I cried constantly. I actually started to google ways to get over a broken heart, and that's when I found your website. Every morning I look forward to going through my lessons and I am practicing my exercises every day. I told my friends about you as well. I feel a lot better now that I've had your help. I can leave the house and go almost the whole day without crying now, and this is only the fourth day. I just wanted to thank you so much for your help. It has gotten me through a lot, and I appreciate it immensely."


"The Courage To Face Each Day!"

"I just wanted to say thank you so much for doing this for me and the many others. At the beginning of the break up I felt like I would never love again and that my life has ended. Thanks to all your advice, I now have the courage to face every new day. My heart has healed tremendously and I feel like I can now really move on. If it wasn't for your words then I would probably still be in that dark place of my life. Thank you, thank you!"


Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Masters of Applied Positive Psychology
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology

P.S. You can change your results by changing your actions. I have been where you are and it is possible to feel relief. I want you to change your healing trajectory and feel better faster with our scientifically developed exercises.

P.P.S. I hope to see you in the program and I want to thank you for taking the time to take this step toward healing.

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When Your Heart Breaks

When Your Heart Breaks


When your heart breaks,

It’s like screaming noiselessly,

Like a deafening silence

Choking all the sounds,

Turning all colors into black,

Darkening the world.

When your heart breaks,

It’s like you are too numb from cold,

Like you don’t feel a thing –

No happiness,

No anger,

No hate,

But pure unfeeling feeling

That no word can aptly describe,

Like finding nothing and everything at the same time.

When your heart breaks,

Your whole world collapses,

Your mind stops,

You become nobody,

You exist a senseless existence,

You live a worthless life,

You are nothing.

When your heart breaks,

Time is a ruthless foe slowly ticking,

Life is a cruel cycle beating you down,

Love is a heartless bitch laughing at your misery.

Until one day, you’d pick up the pieces,

Trying to fix each part,

Heal each wound,

Patch up, mend, glue, paste –

Complete the puzzle,

Unravel the enigma.

One day, you’d have your heart fixed,

Not perfectly healed,

But functioning nonetheless.





AL#8 cheating?

shame on you.

shame on you for telling me you loved me,

so many times - when obviously, you never really meant it.
shame on you for calling me all of those nights,  just to tell me

how much you missed me - when obviously, you never really missed me.
shame on you for leading me on, and making me think that i

was something special to you - when obviously, i never meant a thing to you.
shame on you for telling me you loved me and that you

wanted to talk to me, only moments before you became one, with another.




but, most of all;

shame on me for believing you.

shame on me for thinking that i loved you back.

shame on me for believing that you would never abandon me.

shame on me for being vulnerable.




shame on me for breaking down these walls; that i have been

hiding behind for too long, now. just so you could enter my heart;

take pieces of it, and eventually break them.


you know; you are the only boy that i've ever let myself love, and

now that you've hurt me, i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to love,

trust or forgive, as i should.


you've hurt me.

and the strange thing is,

i can't understand why.


how could you do this to me?

after all i've been through lately.


don't pretend you don't know, either.

because you know damn well.






i hope that you when you think of me,

you regret ever losing me.

because honey,
i don't believe in second chances.





not this time.


I'm afraid of minivans.
No joke.
You would be too, if you were me.
Lucky for me, and lucky for you- you're not me.
Sometimes I don't even want to be me.
Especially those minivan days.
Here I am, in my school parking lot, going about my business, and
There he is. The drop out loser kid who I let eff up my life in a very, very big way.
In a stupid minivan.
My breathing speeds up, my eyes water, I turn an interesting shade of red, and I want just to Not. Be. Here.
He has a part of me. A part I would give anything to have back.
A part of me he used, abused, and doesn't give a damn about.
A part of me I should have been in possession of... To give to someone who matters.
Not that a-hole.
And now he's back. Not back back. Not walking around in my school back.
Well there was that one day but thank God he wasn't back for real.
But he's back enough to make me wish I never existed some days.
Like graduation two nights ago.
I was there with Kris and his family. Kind of stressed out, but not too bad.
And then I saw him. In a grey t-shirt and jeans.
Almost exactly how he looked two summers ago.
He looked at me. As in he saw me and recognized me and knew who I was.
When I saw the recognition in his eyes it was like a shot to the gut.
And then he was walking out later that night and he looked at me and waved.
As if he had any right.
As if he didn't tear me apart. Take a part of me and shred it into pieces.
Make me feel like a piece of trash.
Break my heart and make me feel like I have no worth.
Which I don't. Not after that.
But he should have been the one person who didn't betray me.
I liked him so much. Not so much that it justified the choice I made.
But enough to try to make myself special to him.
Just another name in the book. A notch in his belt.
And that's all I'll ever be. I won't ever be good enough for Kris.
I'll never be what he deserves.
I effed up. I thought that if it didn't work out, I could survive.
Because I was never supposed to see him again.
But now I see him everywhere. In places I'm supposed to feel safe.
And every time I see one of those damn minivans, my heart feels like it's going to crack.

Everything has been building up, ever since I saw him in my History class a few months ago. I just had to let it out. I've been meaning to write for a long time... but ever since he saw my blog and other people did as well, it's been hard. I felt violated and he turned it against me in a really bad way. It's ironic, because I almost want him to read this. To see the tangible proof of how I feel and what he did. I'm contemplating sending it to him, somehow. I'm just afraid it'll get out.

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