Heartache @ MindSay

2nd year = very high stress/maintenance.  My 8 kids carry across FIVE different grade levels (we skip 4th grade, but then make up for it by being Kindergarten through 5th), and some of them need a lot more attention than me and oh yeah, my untrained staff, can always handle.

Just sat in a meeting with the guidance counselor and got the sad news that one of my tougher cookies, D(M) will be hospitalized as soon as a spot in the program opens up.  I still have a meeting tomorrow with all the team and his mom, but ... he just needs so much, and this wide, crazy, spread-thin program isn't going to help him.  I am going to miss him greatly, and now have to savor what could be my last few days with him.  In secret.  Because we both agreed I shouldn't tell my staff, because I want them to work with him like he was ours forever.  And also because he doesn't yet know he's being re-admitted, and the less people that know, the less likely he'll find out in a wrong way.

I figured it was okay to type here, though.

bad day. REALLY bad day.
its like no matter what i do, im still destined to fail at life...
no matter how good i am to other people, or happy i pretend to be, or how much i act like i just dont care; its all for nothing.
and i dont know what to do anymore.

i came home after it all went down and just cried. i was standing there feeling stupid for just crying so i went in and got in the shower fully dressed as a punishment. also because i thought it would help soothe me. i get out 10 minutes later still crying.
i call aj. he listens.

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i wont let myself be depressed though. i bounce back. i ALWAYS bounce back. so im going to take a couple of tylenol and im going to sit back and think of all the good things in life like beccabooskii and i am going to blog and i am going to be happy.

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im going to let aj sleep with me in my bed.

I am growing accustomed to my pain. Though I grow steadily more and more tired with each passing day I remain here, the dull ache in my chest which occupies the space my heart did before I gave it to her merely overshadows my days; it does not rule them. Most of the time.

The dominion of my life is my own. I cannot fight my demons of heartache, lust, and loneliness, nor can I run from them. The only enchantment that breaks their spell is wrapped up in the arms of a stranger, which is more daggers in my back every day. There is no cure, only drugs to mediate the symptoms. She is no where near me right now, and that's not about to change. She's not coming back.

My skin is thick and rough, and it needs to be because the softness of her embrace, which I need so desperately, is not on the horizon. Callouses are building around where she used to touch me, used to kiss me, so at least it doesn't sting as much. I'm learning to breathe without the wind of her breath in my lungs, even if I crave it. It's slow poison anyway; a vice, an addiction that kills me slowly. Though I long for it desperately, let that asshole have it.

I'm dizzy right now. But I can stand on my own two feet. I don't need to cry on her shoulder, though I do wish I could know that she was okay. In my sleeping hours I would wait upon her like a guardian angel, oblivious to what it would kill me to witness, but powerful to protect her. Though in metaphor only, I will wrap my arms around her when she longs to cry in silence. And though she will not hear me, I will whisper that familiar phrase, dry her tears, and awaken without any knowledge of it.

My love for her is powerful. Maybe it is powerful enough to transcend this trial, and the years I will spend without performing this ritual in person. But if not, I will go on without her through the swells and waves of my life. I will remain to her only a whisper of the wonderful times we had and the awful pain that she caused me. And on nights when she feels most alone, I will be there with her, holding her. Forever a silent, unknowing guardian angel, as long as we both shall love.

I need to get out of town. I need to get out of this valley. I don't have anything here for me anymore. I have Rilee and I have the studio, and as much as I love those it's not enough to tie me down here. I need to get away. There's so much baggage here, so much pain. I need to flee all that.

I love Kathryn. I love her with a passion and a longing that...well it's not going anywhere. I would give anything to be with her and that's a problem. I think it's going to be easier if she's some mysterious girl from a mysterious past that I don't ever feel the need to talk about.

I move out to some place and tell almost nobody where it is. Least of all her. I attend a new ward in a building twenty minutes outside of nowhere and get a job. Get an apartment. Make my own way. After a while I even start dating. There's a really sweet redhead I met in Sunday School and I take her to dinner. She asks me where I'm from because I have a funny accent and I give her a very generic answer that doesn't so much as point to what state I'm from, or even country. She asks me why I left and I dodge that answer too. We rent a movie and watch it back at my apartment, with obnoxious roommates in and out of the kitchen the whole time. We don't know each other well, but she gets cold and snuggles up next to me, and that's okay. She notices a picture on the shelf of a gorgeous, young brunette and asks me who it is. I won't say. I take her home. She gives me all the indications that she wants me to kiss her even though this is our first time doing anything outside of church, but I won't. Because the truth is, there's only one girl whose lips I want to kiss, and right now she's a million miles away in someone else's arms, enjoying his warmth and smell. Right now I'm the last thing on her mind, because she has no idea where I am or if I'm ever coming home. I go back to my apartment, pull the picture off the shelf and fall asleep crying silently to myself.

If I'm here, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to beg her for every scrap of attention she gives me. I'm going to watch her relationships for any sign that they aren't working out, even though she's becoming much closer with other men than she cares to be with me. If I'm here, I'm going to be pining after her, even though I promised myself that I wouldn't take her back if she broke my heart again. The truth is that I would in a second, because I'd trade this heartache a thousand times for one more kiss. That kiss isn't waiting for me. That's why I need to run as far and as fast as I can.

I'm in no condition to serve the Lord. I'm a wreck. I wanted nothing more than to go on a mission since I was five years old but right now I'd give up that dream in a second to make her mine forever. I'd propose to her now if I thought she'd say yes. But I don't, and so I'm going to run. I don't know where and I don't know how but I'm not staying here. I'll join the army if I have to but I can't stay here and not have her. Maybe that will change after a few months. But I doubt it. Because no matter how over her I am, she's always going to be the one I never should have let get away. She's always going to be the one girl that was perfect and for some reason I blew it. I can't live with that. I love her too much, but it doesn't matter to her so I'm running. Don't ask me to give you a call when I get there; I won't. Don't ask for a mailing address and don't ask for a phone number. This life is coming down around me and there's nothing holding me down. So if I don't get around to saying it in person whenever the time comes: goodbye. I hope to see you again someday, but don't go holding your breath.