Heartache @ MindSay

You know, so many of the most important events in my life don't end up being chronicled in here. There are a number of reasons for that. Some of them are just too personal to tell, others just can't be properly captured by words, at least, not by me. Not yet. Another reason is just that the event is too emotionally significant so near the fact that putting it to words is too painful. By the time it feels better, many of the finer details, which are often the ones that matter most, are lost to time and the fallibility of human memory.

Some of these still make it in here, but they end up being half-assed, just written for the sake of being written so as to avoid loosing, but not truly captured. I will do my best to ensure that this does not attend this latter category.

Yesterday was packing day for Katie and me. I went up and helped her finish up her packing. The last thing we did before leaving her house was pack up everything we had and stuff it into my car. It wasn't nearly as difficult as it should have been. Partly because I'm just good at "tetris," and partly because, for a girl, she sure packs up pretty tight. There was surprisingly little to take with us. It fit perfectly. There was even room to spare.

After that we went back to my house for a late dinner. I made us a salad and severely undercooked grilled chicken. I suck at chicken. I'm great with red meats, but I need more practice with the chicken. She appreciated it though. We ate more than we could handle anyway.

After that, we were both tired. Seeing as how her mother was already asleep, and we would be leaving early anyway, I just let her crash here at my house. I think she preferred that anyway. Neither of us got much sleep that night, it turns out. Separation anxiety was finally starting to creep in.

We woke up at 5:30 in the morning. We were both really nervous about Katie and Lauren and how they would react to me being there. That's why we wanted to get up there bright and early, get checked in, get unloaded, and just be able to hang out before they arrived. I didn't anticipate things getting rough, considering the circumstances, but other than Taylor and my sister Erin, Katie and I can't really be ourselves around people that we know. Not together, anyway. That's when we're happiest. That's what was going to make this so hard.

We dropped off at Katie's house to say goodbye to Mom, the Cats, and Elise. That’s when it got emotional. Katie went through the teary process of hugs and goodbyes and was finally able to walk out the door…just to go back in to double check which exit we needed to get off at.

Once we got on the road, things got fun. We spent the duration of the trip talking, joking around, and blasting our favorite songs at high decibels, singing along and laughing about how unqualified we were to do so. We were fully aware that at some point that day, a very sudden and a very sad goodbye would become necessary, but that was the furthest thing from our minds at that point. We were more than intent on having the best damn last day we could manage.

Logan canyon was beautiful, as it always is, what with the smell of fresh heather and hay blowing in through the open windows. We got thinking about a pretty country house up on the hillside, with a huge garden and a dozen midgets playing with the horses. We try not to make it a habit to anticipate the distant future, but on this occasion, our dreams coincided so perfectly that we couldn’t help but indulge ourselves a little.

By the time we got to Logan, we were starving. It was a little after 7:30, we had been up for two hours, and hadn’t eaten. We were hungry. We drove around for a few minutes trying to find a healthy balance between desire and destitution, before finally settling on 7-11. A bacon and egg English muffin sandwich, a HUGE chimichanga, and a cup of totally pure cocoa later, we were driving up Old Man Hill, looking up at the Aggie Tower.

We drove around campus for a few minutes, trying to get the feel for where everything was, trying to figure out where registration would be and where we might be able to get a map. No place had free parking. We finally just decided to stop in the nearest parking lot wherein nobody else had any semblance of a permit. It was at that point that Katie realized that she had a map in her little notebook.

I will admit that I wasn’t struck with the same infatuation with the campus as Katie was. At the same time, though, there isn’t much bad I can say about it, aside from the fact that they really need to take better care of their signs. It was a good thing I know who Legrand Richards is, or else I might never have been able to find Richards hall. After all, at first glance, “Le rand          Hall” doesn’t quite translate into “home.”

But this is when it’s convenient to date boy scouts. We wandered out into a plaza of dormitories, discovered their names, and triangulated our position on the map. Once we determined where our destination is, it was much easier to find. It turns out that registration was conveniently in Richards, which is right where we wanted to be. A guy showed us up to her dorm, and she got to know the place a little bit.

This is where jealousy set in. Before that day, the only dorms I had ever really been in were the DT’s and B…BBBiddulph. Let me tell you about those, specifically the DT’s. Seven identical floors, each comprised of two parallel hallways with dorm rooms staggered on either side. Each room could house two students, making for about fifty per floor. The room - which each have only slightly more floor space than my bedroom - consists of two clunky, uncomfortable beds, two small desks, two small cupboards, two dressers, two small mirrors, two closets, and a single window that doesn’t open. The nearest kitchen is in the Morris center, in the next building over. Each floor has two bathrooms with four showers each.

Now let me tell you about Katie’s dorm. Its four bedrooms are connected by a bathroom and a huge storage space. The bedrooms have all of the above mentioned items, but with bigger cupboards, mirrors, and comfier beds. Not to mention wall space. Each room has its own entrance so people are never disturbing each other.

Now, four people together live in the three bedrooms of that dorm. One shower. Seems crowded, right? Shower to body ratio is 1:4. Remember DT’s? Ratio is 8:50, give or take a few. Even if the other two people that the three-bedroom dorm houses had shown up, that is still CONSIDERABLY better than any traditional dorm you could find. And I would prefer a traditional dorm to living at home any longer. Ergo, jealous.

While she was occupied with getting situated in the dorm, I ran back down and parked the car over at Richards parking, and began hauling stuff up. Although she had some very heavy things, I think the worst was her indispensible book bin. She had to help me with that one. Even though her load was rather conservative, especially for a person of the female race, it still tuckered me out pretty good. I don’t know what time it was when we finished, but I do know that it was after 1:00 when I woke up and realized I had been napping. I let Katie sleep another half hour while I played Street Fighter on her laptop.

When she woke up, she decided that we were hungry again, so we went to the Blue Bird. It was cute and small and local, and like the Scera or anything else, when Kate finds an establishment that’s cute and small and local, she’s ready to support it. I tend to agree. It was good to take a break from the day and let the commotion settle. Plus it was air-conditioned. We got talking about plans for that afternoon. Katie and Lauren were already on their way up, and we were both nervous about an incident. I told her that I would leave any time she wanted me to…which was the wrong thing to say because she didn’t want me gone any more than I wanted to leave. We decided that I would leave if a confrontation arose, but short of that, we weren’t going to let their ancient (and if I may say so, more than a little unfair) vendetta against me ruin what was quickly becoming and would become the perfect last day. Besides, I hadn’t seen Hannah in a little while and I didn’t want to leave without seeing her.

Halfway through the meal, a very frustrated and very lost Lauren called Katie looking for directions. We stuffed the food into our faces and ran out to her rescue. By the time we got back to campus, though, she had found some parking even nearer than our original spot and was already unloading. We helped. Much to my surprise and delight, Lauren was more than civil to me; she was kind, even to the point of joking around with me. I’m sure it was all for show, for Katie’s sake, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. Moreso than I can express, in fact. There were times I could even pretend that it was as it used to be when we were all friends, something that meant a great deal to me while it lasted. Surprise decorations of my bathroom, late night movies, broken martinelli’s bottles and bubbly instantly frozen to the driveway. It was nice.

Meanwhile I helped unpack and set things up any way that I could. Incidentally, that’s not a whole lot, considering I am sinfully unqualified to manage the many strange and mysterious ways of womankind. I did manage to set up their incredibly sexy scanner/copier/printer on both computers, as well as do some other manual labor which I’m sure was appreciated to some extent. By and large, though, I spent much of the time resting, imagining Lauren telling me that my services were no longer necessary and that I needed to please go home, and wishing that Katie would give me a legitimate reason to stick around.

Katie came over to visit with her parents and with Hannah, and they got to having fun. Katie’s parents went out to buy hangers, which Lauren and Katie had both forgotten, and drinks for everybody. When they returned and had gotten something for me, I was so shocked and altogether touched that they had thought to include me that I was too emotional to thank them, which kind of bothers me because now they probably think I’m just the rotten zit on society’s ass from their daughter’s rants, and an ingrate on top of it. I’m considering writing them a thank you note. It seems small, you know, buying a soda, but it is no small thing to me to be included.

About that time, Katie said that she needed to take me out to refill my gas. I knew what that meant. It was time to say goodbye. We drove out to the chevron almost in silence, because we knew that the magnificent chapter of our lives that spanned the last ten months was coming to a close within minutes. By the time we were back at Richards parking, it was all we could do to keep the tears from flowing. The goodbye was hard, but it was time. That parting hug could have lasted another hour and I wouldn’t have noticed. I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to roll out a mat and live on her floor for the next two semesters. Hell, I still do.

I sobbed the whole way down to the car. I haven’t cried that much in a long time. For that matter, I haven’t cried much at all recently. I had to stop for breath every ten feet or so. Every muscle in my body wanted to sprint back for one more hug. But at least one of us had to be strong, and for the first time in a long time, it was going to be me.

When I got to the car, I just let the tears flow until I could see straight again, and then I headed out of town. Alone. My car was empty except for my Harley Davidson boots, some wool socks, my dragon pendant, and the Mountain Dew Voltage that Katie’s parents had gotten me. Before I had even gotten to Dead Man’s hill, I was calling Hannah to see if there was any way I could take her home. Before I was off the hill, I had already called a second time, practically begging through my tears. I wanted the company. The ride was going to be a rough one to do alone. That, and I knew she would be feeling many of the same things I would, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do one more nice thing for her.

It never worked out, and I drove home. I was so distraught that I missed my turn and ended up going through Willard and by Grandma Tucker’s house and I didn’t even stop to look. I was still gushing tears, but I was also smiling. I got pissed. “Why are you happy?! Be sad, damn it!”

And that was when I realized that there was nothing to be sad about. Even though the first few months Katie and I were becoming close were so difficult, she had given me the most incredible time of my life almost every waking moment through it all and since. Every time we parted ways, we knew it would be okay, because we would be together again in a few hours. We didn’t even plan on it; it was just assumed. It was an incredible time! The entire sequence of events that comprised our relationship flashed over me like a film montage:

The park by Shawna’s, the bookstore and dance, the corn maze, the rain starting up every time we got together (God is in the rain), new years and flogging molly. The first email, seeing her nearly every day during Christmas Break so we could get away from family stress, cuddling on Hannah’s couch late at night, thankful for the fact that nobody would be able to prove it, Lauren taking that incriminating picture on her camera phone, leaving Sammie so I could be with her, the first kiss, the first time I had to view that terrible, broken-hearted look on her face and know that it was my fault, a thousand drives, never being able to get up past the gate at Squaw Peak, getting stuck up Dry Canyon, getting stuck in the park, snowmobiling, again, holding each other so we could stay warm in the winter, finally putting all that behind me so I could at least know for sure if Hannah could truly ever love me, the relief of knowing that even though I didn’t deserve it, Katie would still have me back after Hannah had broken my heart, sneaking out at 12:30 every night for weeks and driving around laughing and talking and helping each other cope with our entire worlds and how hell-bent they were on destroying us, a thousand visits to the studio, how we would always try to part with just one-more kiss, the camp out, how much it hurt when she blew me off to film her French video with her friends instead, sneaking out at 2:00 am to film it anyway, hanging out at Taylor’s house, Taylor and I singing “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” at the top of our lungs to her delight, the first breakup, the loneliness of never having her with me anymore, realizing a few days later how much we suck at this whole “breaking up” thing, the weather turning, riding the motorcycle up at Sky Park, movies, her coming to surprise me at the studio, our first real date, a thousand meetings at East Shore and comforting each-other under the ridiculous amount of work it would take to graduate, the drive around the lake when she was feeling restless, upside-down cinnamon rolls, the late-night conversations when one of us wasn’t feeling well, the second breakup, ditching the film festival to hang out for the first time in over a month, winning the film festival and her congratulatory hug, getting back together that night up at the Squaw Peak gate, the hilarity of the cop asking if we were both there consensually, nursing her back to health after she would donate plasma, iceberg fries and shakes, the first time we held hands, sneaking out just to make out in the bed of her truck, my arms wrapped around her when she was sad or afraid and always whispering in her ear, “you’re safe now,” falling asleep in the grass in the park, how much she loved the Scera, never having enough gas money to come see her, Mondays in the lab, splashing in the puddles when our rainstorm finally hit again, carrying her everywhere she’d let me when she forgot her shoes, a thousand visits to Discovery Park, the first time I was able to get the words out of my mouth that I had come to truly love her, the overwhelming happiness when she said it back, dropping everything to make her feel safe when she had the creepy Jason nightmare again, blowing a whole paycheck on her in a couple of days, burying fat cat, packing up her books, loving her so much that my chest hurt, realizing that I need to stop crying or I wasn’t going to be able to drive home.

I know that her going away was a necessary step in the rest of her life, in the rest of both our lives. Still, though, this chapter of my life had so many amazing times that it’s going to be a difficult one to leave behind. The more I think about it, the more I realize that these times are going to have to be given opportunity to continue, someday. Goodbye is not forever. Friendship can be.

i think i ruined it all. or maybe there was nothing to ruin.

but i sure feel horrible now.

so we spent the afternoon together. it was fantastic. and... i lost my virginity. *collective gasp!*

it was worth it. it was everything i wanted it to be and more.

then i had to go... of course i was sad. i knew it'd be the last time i'd see him in months.

but i was still content.

then i get a text from his ex, that he just told her all about it and he said i fucked someone else too

and she didn't want me to get hurt. she even called me and explained things.

so i basically freaked out on him. i was hurt. i thought she was right, i knew she probably was.

and he denied it all, said he liked me so much and that she just wanted to mess things up

and i said i didn't know who to trust.

and he said he was going to stay to be with me. but now it wouldn't be worth it.

this hurt the worst. see, said he was gonna stay for me. and i blew that.

and it hurt. a lot. and i told him i wanted him to stay, and he said he already told his mom he would go.

i knew from the start he was going back, and there was no real chance

but this made me feel like i threw away my chance, at, idk, love or something

so it hurts, still.

but i'm getting over it.

because jason said i got played. which i think i pretty much did.

he pointed out that if he was really gonna stay for me, he would have told me earlier

so when i think about it, i probably was just another hook up for him.

he was in town for a week, won me over, got in my pants

so now i can either be pissed, or be sad. maybe some of both.

i don't regret it, though. i enjoyed myself.

and the only thing i ever asked was when i lost my virginity, it was to someone who i cared about

and i did/do care about him. i may have even possibly loved him. i just told him so.

maybe i'll scare him away with the L word. i think it'd hurt less, then.

i'm tearing up, damn it. i hate crying.

such a bittersweet summer fling...

Ok i know this is not what you usually find here but i was reading someone's blog and couldn't help myself. This is one of the few areas i have experience sooo here goes a rant ..... the bitch is back ....

From my perspective which is not one of a professional child psych (ologist or istrist) just from a mother of 4.

The labeling of children at such a young age (12 months to 4 to 5 yrs) is ridiculous. Oh yes we must prove our offspring are superior in every way to those they come in contact with and there are hords of professionals ready to accept payment to categorize these little people any way we want them.

My 4 children are all different and all have turned out to be decent responsible young adults, ages being 27, 23, 22, 20, no they aren't perfect and they are not little Einsteins. But if they can find a career they enjoy and can find happiness with a significant other I will feel like i accomplished more than i ever dreamed.

I realized that along about the age that peer pressure kicks in, it no longer matters what their potential is, it matters more about their heart, their character and their desire. Friends and peers will have more influence on their direction than you can ever imagine, and oh by the way you can't choose thier friends. Teach them to respect themselves and others, teach them that decisions about right and wrong are not relative things, but there is right and wrong and expose them to all the knowledge you can concerning life and happiness.

My one child i thought would never make it through high school let alone college, decided to our delight that in his junior year of high school that he wanted to go to a military academy (no one in our direct family had a military career) he suddenly wanted it, it was like he woke up. He struggled through his secondary education (C's & D's in middle school and high school and no he was not dumb he tested in the genius range on the ologist testing, yes we did it, it didn't help) with all his smarts he decided that if he made A's on his tests then the teachers should know he knew the material, never mind that we showed him if you average homework of 0 with a test of 100% you get 50%. Children tend to be stubborn, in my experience the brighter the child the more stubborn they are. refused to take notes, never studied. lots of things i could share, but the one i knew would never make it through college because he would get distracted,  graduated from West Point .... go figure, all our friends who knew him just shake their heads and laugh. My point is love them, ground them in respect and happiness and watch them grow, be their parent not their friend when they are young, and later when they are an adult they will come back to you not only as a responsible person but as a friend.

finished my rant ....

now what should i blog about next .... oh did i tell you about what betty and i did this weekend?

This past week has been full of tears, heartache, pain and second chances.  Rob and I had finally come to heads with the negativity that is in our relationship.  I told him that I would move out.  I just didn't care anymore.  I told him that I loved him, but I would rather be happy and alone than miserable with him.  I am too old for chaos.  I am not interested in chaos.  I havn't been writing my songs, I am depressed (not suicidal), I don't sleep well anymore...I am always sick...stressed out, and so forth.  I can not stand pointless innecessant yelling.  Lots of yelling.  No name calling or anything like that, but like he is always mad...just every time he was slightly irritated.  He told me that he didn't like his zoloft...he said that it made him feel suicidal, and that is why he didn't want to take it anymore.  I told him, that this is something he should have told me a long time ago...and his doctor.  I don't want to live in an environment like that.  So, I finally said it...fine, you can have everything...I will move out.  I will let you know when I know.  He started to cry, and said, I love you...I don't want you to go...I just want you to want me back.  I told him that I can't be with someone if yelling is all they know how to do.  That is not communication...that is conversation dominance.  I told him that I was tired of not being heard... he said that he hears what I tell him... I said, you may hear it, but you don't listen...if you were listening...we would not be in this position.  I told him, that I am tired of being the only one trying to make this work...because it is futile and pointless.  If everything is up to me to fix...it isn't worth it to me.  A relationship is a two way street.  I explained that I felt neglected, and disrespected...and I don't need to put up with that.  What I mean by that is this...(neglected) He was spending more time with his friends than with his son and I at home...we need family time.  (disrespected) I am tired of being yelled at when he can't find his stuff, or when things don't go the way he plans in his own mind.  Robert has a very hard time dealing with unmanageables.  When things don't go according to schedule or planned...Rob skitzes out.  I can't take that.  As a matter of fact, I can't stand it.  The world will never be perfect, sometimes you have to leave room for error.  I don't even want to try to make him get that anymore.  When we had our confrontation, I told him I give up on us... I am not going to fight to make it work...cause if it is meant to be...it would not be hard to go long periods of time without fighting.  I told him...you yell everyday, about everything.  I can't do this, and I won't do this anymore.  So, he asked me to reconsider... I asked why.  He said, he would try harder, I said, I am not leaving tomorrow...I told him that if I saw effort, that I will reconsider leaving.  I am just tired of being exhausted...mentally& physically. We shall see...I do care for Rob... I just should not have to fight to make us work...it should be easy to be with someone you love.