Heart Shaped Box @ MindSay

i woke up from a dream this morning in shock again. it happens to me every once in a while.

 

i had this other life once. i was wild and free and did/said/took/created whatever i wanted. there were a few beautiful people in my life. one was just like me.

 

he was alluring, no one could catch him. he was charming and sweet and exciting to be around. he was my best friend.

 

for the last 3 years, he's been residing in a box in the ground. i think it's the most bizarre thing to place the people you love in a box in the ground when they die. i personally hope to be fed to a great white shark.

 

the whole funeral process is bizarre too. displaying them all painted up in this pretty shiney box. walking up to the coffin, still in shock, to find that when you kiss thier cheek in a absent-minded goodbye, because you still don't believe what's happened, it's only been a fucking week for god's sake, you find that cheek is cold and hard like a rock and he doesn't smell anything like the boy you slow danced with in 7th grade.

 

it's like you are pretending to grieve, going through all the motions, while somehow simultaniously convincing yourself that that thing in the box is not the person you loved. the person you loved must have faked his own death and ran away to california like you two had always planned when you were kids. he must have gotten a gig on the latest hit tv, he was handsome enough, and you'd be seeing him on the air next season and then home again next christmas. that hard rock boy could not possibly be the one that hugged you when you were sad, that was so much taller than you your whole head fit beneath his chin.

 

the real grieving happens years later. when you have a dream in which you are sitting right next to him, driving around the curvey country roads and laughing. in that dream you are happy and young and free and so glad he's here. in that dream you have the odd feeling that you haven't seen him in a while but you put that aside because how could that be true he's your best friend you talk to him about everything and you see him every day. then you wake up from the dream to hear the sound of your sobbing toddler's voice. and you're 24, and that boy you called your best friend has been dead for three years. and you're responsible for a house payment and  the safety of a two year old and sometimes you forget what it's like to be truely happy, let alone feel the wind in your hair.

 

that moment is when it hits you that he is really dead. that he is gone forever and so is the you that was reflected in his eyes. then you feel the pain. the heavy load of bricks in the equilalent to the saddest song ever written are tied to your heart with a large scratchy rope. you have no knife to cut it. that's when you sob, a long, deep sob that you couldn't have been capable of when you were 21 and he spiritually left this earth.

 

you want to run until it hurts, until your out of breath and your heart feels like it is going to explode in your chest, but you sit and quietly sob so your husband you is sleeping in the living room after bitching to you about his poison ivy all night doesn't hear you. you sob quietly so he doesn't come in and demand what is wrong and in a moment of weakness you answer that question honestly and he snarls his lip up at you and slams the door. you hold in in when you sob so you don't frighten your two year old who is playing on the fireplace stoop with the new car set you bought him yesterday at the grocery store after he screamed and crying and threw a temper tantrum until you were ready to give in to your pending nervous breakdown. you shake a little, and silent tears roll down your cheeks. you finally know what it means to grieve.

 

 

--lyricalsoul index--

 

Ok finally got to Nirvana and this entire selection is dedicated to my good good friend heartshapedbox who knows more about the music and the meaning of music than most people I know.  I guess this is her mindsay theme song....

 

 

 

 

Heart Shaped Box

written by: Kirk Cobain
played by: Nirvana

 

She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
Ive been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks
Ive been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back (alt: ... when you turn black)

Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! wait! (alt: hate! haight!)
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice

Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on angels hair and babys breath
Broken hymen of your highness Im left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back

Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice

She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
Ive been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks
Ive been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back (alt: ... when you turn black)

Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! wait!
Ive got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice

Your advice (x3)

Header

Background

I Loved You Once

 

"My heart is made of glass,

very delicate in design.

 

I gave it to you for you to hold,

Because your trust was mine.

 

You placed my heart in a little box,

and you often never looked inside.

 

I loved you once when you loved me,

and it seemed the World was still.

 

But now I turn away in tears,

because My Angel is leaving me.

 

My heart now is in your hands,

I ask you, please don't break it.

 

But tears fall from my eyes,

as I watch you drop it on the ground.

 

My heart is now a thousand pieces,

shattered shards of glass.

 

I stand looking down at them,

what was once my life.

 

You said you'd never leave me,

I trusted you with my soul.

 

I can't believe I fell for you,

the second time a fool.

 

I ask you now to look,

deep inside your heart.

 

Where you might find whats left of me,

in a little heart-shaped box."

I lie about the packet of crisps.

So I’m obviously not on my way to Oldham. We were meant to go today to see Granddad and spend the weekend before Dad went on his second pilgrimage, but now we’re going next weekend and my parents didn’t see fit to tell me beforehand. It’s not as though I changed my plans to fit around this weekend, did I? Arse ¬_¬

I now miss the Wii weekend, and don’t get to see Gav for two weeks. And after that, I don’t get to see him for three weeks. Least I have my DS for company. How sad is that?

Last weekend I went to see Gav to try and sort things out further, and we ended up playing Guitar Hero, and Guitar Hero II. Needless to say, my attempts were abysmal XD though I did manage to get about 80% accuracy for two songs: Heart Shaped Box and Killing In The Name Of. I think, Ask Gav, he’ll know.

I saw him again yesterday, and hanging out with his ill pets wasn’t a lot of fun. There was poo and puke. Ew.

Moving on… I’ve got a Macroeconomics test on Monday, and a Quantitative Methods for Economics (that’s “Math” to you lot) test on Tuesday. Yay, because maths is fun. True story.

I guess I’ll stop procrastinating now before Gav comes back and yells at me for something or other.

Not really, I can kick his arse XD

Mena