Heart Ripped Out @ MindSay

Its okay to have an opinion but why does everyone bother with trying to convince others the their opinions are the right ones? Take religion.. I really started not caring wether there was a god or wether there wasn't, the only reason I hope there is one is because I'm hoping there is a different meaning to my life then to just die and decompose. But at the same time I refuse to look up and convince myself that there's a god. Nothing has ever happened to me to make me think that "oh hey.. you know, there must be a god.". I just get tired of people telling me and pushing me into believing what I dont care to believe.

 

People do that down to the smallest things

 

"do you want tea"

"no,"

"oh.. why not?"

"I don't like tea"

"oh.. but you must like tea..try this kind"

"no thanks"

"but its got lots of sugar, its good."

"No thanks, I dont want any god damned tea"

 

Stop pushing me. I'll hate what I hate.

 

I met this mormon kid, hes so irritating.. everything he says has to do with his religion, he wrote me a note once and he quoted the book of mormon twice. I have nothing against mormons but personally, I wont be joing that religion any time soon.

 

I'm also starting to hate this whole thing where every girl is obsessed with emo creatures that talk about geting their heart ripped out

 

 

my friend has this on her binder

 

 

 

 

these hurt me inside... why do people want these? Not to mention most of the people that like these have never had their heart broken. They're just teenagers who think that it "desribes their feelings" you dont see adult walking around with that shit on their pages. My friend amanda pisses me off with this shit.

 

I just realized that i've blogged on here 5 times in the past 3 months.  I used to blog that much in a WEEK.  Well, something has happened.  Something that really sucks.  I posted about it on myspace but i'll post here too.  Guys, im hurting bad, and the (sad part?) is that im still WITH zack.

========= This all happened yesterday.  Zack and I got in a "fight", and it all started cause I was trying to prove that I was BETTER than Dana his monsterous ex.  And after all these situations where I proved myself better, I was like, "I WIN!" and he said, "No, you don't win."  ----WHAT?!  So i asked when i would win, and he told me, "When you have more of my heart."  Then he proceeded to tell me he loves Dana more than ME.  AND IM HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!

Today has been terrible.  My "boyfriend" told me that he loves me, but not as much as he loves his ex.  He told me he loves HER with all his heart, NOT me, and doesn't know if he could ever GET over her and be able to love me.  So what a blow right.  I seriously had a heart attack.  I felt like he had ripped my heart out, stomped all over it and ran over it with his janky Buick.  I can't tell you all how much that hurt me.  And then he said he didn't want to be with me.  And I cried, and begged.  And we talked, and I bawled.. and broke shit, ripped up a book, just to name a few things.  I was hurting man, and I still am.  We didn't break up.  But he needs to work on talking to me. 

Still hurts though thinking about what he said to me.  I always knew it all along, and thought about it till recently - I even said to my best friend that I thought all was ok now and I didnt have to worry about the mangey crusty boring J-Crew U goody 2 shoes bible hugging ex.  But I was wrong.  So all those poems he wrote.. All about HER and not me?  I dont know. 

So I love this guy with all my heart, ive given him all I have to give and more, and he thanks me by telling me he still is madly in love with his ex.  It feesl great.  And then he apologized and NO i didnt say it was ok or anything.. and he says hes soooo stupid, and regrets sayin that.  but WTF, its not like im EVER going to forget it.  I want to be with him, I told him to GET OVER HER cause she's not that great ya know (NOT as great as me and thats for damn sure.)  I wish she never came into his life and honstly I want to club her into oblivion - to put it NICELY.  Um yeah.  So im second rate, second best.  Im not loved as much as im giving out. 

AND THATS WHAT HURTS THE MOST.


======= i spent all last night crying, and I dont know what to do.  I love zack so much but knowing im his second rate chick (sure i figured that was maybe the case but i never EVER expected him to come out and say he loves HER with all his heart not me) i just dont know If he is worth waiting to "change" (his mind.)  Its always been my goal to be better than Dana, and I dont know if i can be.   It really sucks.